To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

[TrophyCat]

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

Some of us would have loved to continue in the careers we were doing spectacularly well in before we realised that structural factors ie lack of part time working etc made it impossible to continue ... But you make best of it. Things are not always what they seem.

The law of averages suggests highly educated women will marry highly educated men, therefore income will be higher, therefore they are more likely to be SAHM.

Yes.

If you have a lot of money, being a SAHM isn't remotely boring or without intellectual stimulation, particularly if you live in London or any other big city.

Yes I do think we need to challenge the concept that you can only find self worth through working, that only working sets a good example to our children. That being a SAHM is boring and unfulfilling. I’ve never been so bored as when I was in a job I hated.

Free days to do stuff, I would; exercise much more (therefore be healthier), decorate the house, learn a new language, get on top of all my admin, visit London and go to museums and galleries. Do long dog walks and coffee with friends. I’d sleep better and get more fresh air. I wouldn’t be stressed in the evening and therefore have more time for the kids and not be as exhausted driving them around to all their activities. I’d volunteer and help out the school.

Can we really not see how people may fill their time and not be ‘bored?

Well it’s not surprising at all really is it? I’ve been a SAHM for 16 years. Most women around here are similar. I didn’t go to public school (I’m not British anyway). I think some other local friends might have done, it’s hard to tell and nobody really cares, but we all have at least a first degree and had professional jobs before. It’s just more practical to have one parent at home and if your DH is a very high earner, it’s hard to justify yourself being out at work all day for money that would be pretty negligible (even if it’s a good “professional” salary). Hiring and managing nannies etc is an extra job and headache and it’s easier to just do it yourself. It’s not boring at all! I can see I might be bored in a rural location, but we’re in a fantastic part of London so what’s to be bored about? Life is what you make it anyway, and a job is only one aspect of that life. And no, you’re not necessarily making yourself “economically vulnerable” because for most families it’s assets that count on divorce - properties, investments etc etc. If you have all this on joint names and you’re married, then you have a pretty good idea where you would stand and sometimes, that’s in a better off place than if you’d been working all those years. Plus a lot of women use the time to retrain, then return to work in their own term in their 40s / 50s. I see this everywhere and I’m doing it myself.

go to the gym; meet friends for lunch; go to museums and lectures; read (a lot); walk my dogs; get beauty treatments;

Completely objectively, is it not a tad unfair that one person can spend the week doing these nice things their partner can only do on the weekend?

I personally would not be happy to work 37.5 hours a week (or in the case of finance, twice that) so my husband could do all of the above while I worked. He'd have to be doing the equivalent of "work" - looking after kids full-time.

I don’t work to set a good example to my daughters. I work in part to set a good example to my sons so that they understand that women are not just there to keep a man’s life in good order.

And yes, I do think days filled with going to the gym and shopping is a bit vapid. Nice to do, but I’d struggle to find it meaningful. That doesn’t mean that looking after children and enabling a comfortable family life isn’t worthwhile, just that many women would struggle with that being their whole sphere of existence.

Completely objectively, is it not a tad unfair that one person can spend the week doing these nice things their partner can only do on the weekend?

I think that the men who are facilitating the former public schoolgirl SAH-wives are generally in interesting, highly paid roles that they love. If they're not, then it doesn't really work.

I often wonder what these people who say they couldn’t possibly be a SAHM as they’d be too bored and unfulfilled so when they retire.

do when they retire.

Why on earth do you care enough to come to mumsnet and comment? Different folks different strokes. The only shocking thing about this post is that you felt motivated enough to do it. I’m a single mum who works btw.

Well, there’s loads of things to do when you’re retired - voluntary or otherwise. And I should also think that by the time you’re in your 70s you might not quite have the energy that you do in your 30s and 40s...

I like the gym and museums and everything, but I do both already. As the basis of a life? Not exactly a lot of substance there.

I doubt I'll ever fully retire, but will continue skilled self-employed practice at whatever rate suits me, plus probably study on the side. My MIL recently did an intensive TEFL course and is using it to teach English to refugees and in volunteer contexts.

Placemarking again....

I went to a private school, and would have to strongly consider staying at home after we have a second child because financially it wouldn't make sense. I earn 50K a year, childcare for one child is 1280 per month x that by two and my monthly salary is pretty much wiped out. I then have to make the decision do I effectively work for free with all my money going on childcare, in the vain hope that my salary will go up during that time period that i might get the odd 50-200 extra each month, but would stay in a career not finding it difficult to rejoin the workplace years down the line. My husband is the bread winner and so as usual the lesser earner takes the fall. We're very fortunate that we can afford to send our child to prep school, which in turn then makes it even harder to carry on working in some senses because you dont get the free childcare when they would start school if they were attending in the state sector. That's a personal choice though. I don't think either option is easy.

ItIsWhatIsIs - Frankly, I don’t think you need worry about the husbands tbh!
As for this 37.5 hrs per week, the reality of these men quite often, is that they don’t really work for someone else (or they haven’t for a long time) and they certainly don’t count the hours! Take my DH for instance, I’ve absolutely no idea what his “working hours” are because there’s no cut off between that and normal life. There never was really. He was a founder of a “.com” which they sold some years ago. These days he’s a non-exec director for at least 6 companies; he’s handed over another company to one of his MDs because he wanted to take a more backseat role; he’s involved in a property business (though someone else runs that) and has various investment portfolios. Some weeks he’s overseas. Other weeks he’s home. There’s no pattern to it. What I can tell you is that he has more “hobbies” than you could shake a stick at! He’s races cars and this takes him all over the place. I think this year he’s been to Japan, France and the ME doing that. He’s an avid cyclist and this also takes him abroad regularly. He does a martial art with the DC at weekends. He climbs mountains and will go off for maybe a week for this whenever the opportunity arises. He also gets taken to all kinds of glam places by clients all the time. It’s ridiculous tbh. So no, he’s hardly going to begrudge me doing a couple of hours yoga or getting my hair done is he? In fact, he thinks I should do more for myself and doesn’t understand why I don’t!

There's nothing wrong with taking a few years out of the workplace to enjoy your children and family life.

Well, yes, if your husband genuinely loves his job(s) and has a lot of free time then I guess he wouldn't begrudge you not working and getting your hair done.

Me and my husband both work to live and would consider it deeply unfair if one of us quit working and asked the other one to fund a nice relaxing lifestyle. If either of us quit working, it will be to retrain, stay at home with pre-school-age kids, or for retirement/stress/off sick. But we are in normal salaried jobs that we consider fine but would quit in a heartbeat if we won lottery.

I worked in software all through the early years of our marriage while my husband was not making very much money, which required a lot of travel - I left my youngest when he was 8 months old for 3 days a week in Stockholm. That was horrible.

I work a lot less, you might say hardly much at all these days and he's always very happy to hear that I'm having my hair or nails done, or going to pilates.

ItIsWhatItIs - yes, I totally understand that and obviously, that’s is no way I’d be “swanning about” whole DH worked every hour there is in a job he hated and had no time for himself. There has to be balance otherwise resentment y will build up. Both people have to think it’s fair. It’s hard to say who has more “free time” out of DH or me tbh as we just use it differently. He thinks nothing of going off for the weekend or longer with one of his hobbies, whereas I would tend not to do that, but then I have Mon - Fri 9-4. There’s actually quite a lot to do in those hours tbh (related to 4 DC; house renovations; or other properties I manage - just getting other stuff out the way really), but I’d be lying if I said I can never carve out my own time in those hours. He’s the first to admit he couldn’t do my role and I couldn’t do his, so it’s not a competition and life is just more practical this way really.

@ItIsWhatItIsInnit My husband is in no way resentful, and he carves out time at work to see a personal trainer, get a haircut etc. I do go to the gym daily, but other frippery is on a much less frequent basis. The vast majority of my time is taken up by freelancing and volunteering, and then obviously spending time with my children/ferrying them to activities after school.

It’s a compromise for both parties isn’t it.

They get to focus on their career and all the benefits that brings them (especially if they are workaholics). They don’t have to worry about getting back for the school pick up and can travel and a moment’s notice. Sometimes I’m jealous of DH and the fact that he can just focus on his career without the insane, stressful juggling involved when I used to try to work full time.

I’ve given up a high powered career and all the benefits and security that brings. So there’s a sacrifice there too. I work part time, do all the house work, everything to do with kids, all the cooking and crappy ‘wife work’ But in the week I do get the odd hour here and there to go for a run or pop to the shops.

He gets 5 hours every weekend to do his hobby.

So it works for us and I don’t think he resents being the breadwinner and having less time in the week.

I didn't grow up knowing any SAHMs can I just ask, once kids are at school what do you do during the days?

Whatever we want, whenever we want.

I'm going back to work this year after 18 years as a SAHM. Being a SAHM when your kids are little does not mean giving up having a career altogether. Many, probably most in my generation, will go back to work again. If you can afford it, (and you probably can if you have an Oxbridge degree) and you want to, why not take a few years off instead of trying to do everything in your life at once?

Not surprising at all OP. They married "well" so they didn't need to work. They went to good unis due to their education and the rest is history. Each to their own. If they dont need to go out and graft and still live a good life sending their kids to private school then yippee for them.

Wow!
Aren't you judgmental??I am a sahm bc I love my children and it's my job to raise them,not a daycare or boarding school.My kids won't ever look back and be glad that we pawned them off on strangers.