To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

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Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

Unsurprising. A lot of wealthy private school girls only expect to work until they find a husband rich enough to provide for them. It tends to be the expectation. In may experience the only women who tend to buck that trend tend to be those who come from more disadvantaged or immigrant backgrounds. That’s why it’s vital to look at alumni work / education statistics when choosing a private girl’s school.

So what is the point of this thread?
I went to state school.my DC go to private school., I used to work, nw I don't - SO WHAT? Each to their own.

It does seem a waste of a good education

My son's tutor is an oxbridge graduate, read English, lovely man, poor as a church mouse.
My DH left state school at 14, no qualifications, excellent business brain, we're fairly well off.
There are no guarantees.

I didn't grow up knowing any SAHMs can I just ask, once kids are at school what do you do during the days?

I've come off maternity leave in last couple months and I found it hard to not work bits and bobs (I'm a freelancer)

Genuinely interested (no judgement)

The judgement needs to stop!

‘Waste of a good education’

‘What do you do all day?’

You have no idea of individual’s circumstances so stop with the goady posts.

I’m not a SAHM but I hate the judgement on here.

Any you are the one lacking in intelligence if you can’t honestly think how one might fill the time between 9 and 3?!

I know I wouldn’t struggle.

Bringing up a child is the most important job you can do!

No its not, many kids are dragged up or raised in care and are just fine - Surgeons, consultants and those saving lives have the most important jobs.

I think that what is an important and often overlooked point in the whole SAH Vs working mother debate, is the fact that motherhood has been utterly devalued.

I am a stay at home mum, who is much more financial stable than my own mother, was-who was also a stay at home mum.

My father was a gambler, and a drinker. But a charming, erudite one-think Olly Reed-you know the type. So he got away with a lot. It's only in retrospect however, that I realise how completely and utterly skint we were. Even though holidays were pretty much non existent, birthdays and Christmases were thrifty to say the least, and my mum would go to our supermarkets just before closing almost every day to get random reduced items to make our "creative" meals-I didn't notice. She hid it all, and with grace. I think that our happy home life was in part to do with the ever stable, constant presence of my mother. She was fun, and available, so we didnt miss out on material things.

She was the woman that inspired me to be a SAHM. I have a degree, and left a good job to do so. Granted, I am financially better off than she ever was, but i would honestly strive to raise my child in this way, even if my situation was different. It can be done if that's what you want. And that's an important point. Some people dont want to, or truly cant. And that's a different thing.

This whole "being an example for your daughters by working" argument has never really sat well with me, as I gained a lot of wisdom about strength, integrity, creativity patience, ingenuity and sacrifice (not a dirty word btw) from her. Much more than I ever did from my job. I never looked down on her for not working (for a wage); quite the opposite.

I'd have to cut my cloth differently, but i'd do it. And yes, sometimes it's mind numbingly boring and lonely, but I think it's worth it. For me, personally.

SAHM mostly. (Freelance 10-15 hours a week, though this may increase soon.)

In my free time, I volunteer at my children’s school or in the community; go to the gym; meet friends for lunch; go to museums and lectures; read (a lot); walk my dogs; get beauty treatments; clean daily/do laundry for about 40 minutes.

I didn't grow up knowing any SAHMs can I just ask, once kids are at school what do you do during the days?

I clean up, prepare supper and homework, attend to paperwork , organise family appointments etc - inside the home.
Outside its school run, Hair, shopping, coffee, lunches, piano lessons and attending any events that take my fancy.
So Far this week...
Monday - Hairdressers, Lunch with M, Homebase for paint.
Tuesday - Piano lesson, Organise builders at home, Pre school pck- up coffee with D
Wednesday - All day shopping with H
Thursday - Cleaning up after builders, school music concert,
Friday - Spin class, Theatre with N&M

This whole "being an example for your daughters by working" argument has never really sat well with me, as I gained a lot of wisdom about strength, integrity, creativity patience, ingenuity and sacrifice (not a dirty word btw) from her. Much more than I ever did from my job.

I also learned a lot of wisdom from my mum too, who was a far better mum to us when she started working than she ever was at home. So I am a working parent now.

I also think a woman’s decision to stay at home depends on the job she had before she got pregnant. It’s often easy for younger women in junior roles to ‘make the sacrifice’- but as you get older and your salary and career prospects match or exceed your DP’s then the decision to give up work doesn’t make sense. Also if you are senior / experienced enough employers usually make more an effort to keep you (mine for example has offered me guaranteed working from home 3 days per week to return full time).

So there is probably an age at first birth divide when if comes to the debate

@GrumpyHoonMain, my observations are somewhat different. My friends who decided to stay home in their late thirties and early forties mostly worked in finance, but perhaps struggled with infertility and falling pregnant, so wanted to be at home the first 5-6 years, say, and either continued to stay at home or else went down a different career path altogether.

To add, these are women who were head of marketing at large hedge funds, senior analysts, traders etc.

My ex-husband was a high earner, he also turned out to be a complete b*tard and a control freak! I am a qualified teacher but when I decided to return to work just one day a week he went absolutely mad-the woman's place is in the home, don't you know? How insulting to his manliness to think suggest to the outside world that he could not sufficiently support his wife?!! And actually, who'd class being a teacher as an actual profession?!!

In short, the money imbalance in our marriage gave him perceived control and it's something I would never look to repeat.

Well eventually I divorced him and haven't looked back. I'm engaged to a man who earns less than a quarter of ex's income and we're happy. We spend time together, we share our money, we laugh.

I work full-time (currently as a SEN HLTA) and I bloody love my job, so rewarding. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would never personally choose to become a SAHM again.

I'm currently 14 weeks' pregnant with my third child (fiancé's first) and although we haven't figured out quite yet our best options financially after my mat leaves ends we know we will work through it and get by together.

As an aside, ex-husband has gone MAD that I'm pregnant. How dare I spend HIS money that I was awarded by the court upon divorce on a bastard baby who will be (and forgive me, but I quote) "Very likely to have something wrong with it because I'm 39 and that's too old".

I agree that age and career can be a factor, but I always made more my than husband, and I was mid 30s when I had my child. I was also offered a great working from home package, but decided against it. There was obviously a financial drop, and inevitable worry, but it was just the right thing for me to do.

I just wanted to say something good about being a SAHM, as so many people automatically have the "must be nice!" attitude. There are some people that can afford to be SAHMs due to a high earning partner, but there are also some that aren't particularly loaded but still choose to remain at home. They just make it work, and I dont really hear much about them.

Why is it a surprise? If I had the money I would 100% be a SAHM!

@stopgap - my experience in finance and with infertility (and my colleagues’ experiences) are totally different. Finance / banking in the UK tend to retain female managerial staff more post-maternity than a lot of other industries - but often need them to work full time (with flexible working). I imagine the issue with the people you know was that you often (other than at named companies) can’t get a part time role in finance that lends any career growth prospects.

As PPs have said, I think it's mainly because women who went to private schools are more likely to move in circles where they'll meet a potential high earner and can give up work when they have children.

@GrumpyHoonMain, that’s probably quite true. I’m a Brit in a NYC suburb, so Wall Street perhaps is a different beast to the City.

Surgeons, consultants and those saving lives have the most important jobs.

DH is a surgeon, he’d say fatherhood is his most challenging job.

Unsurprising. A lot of wealthy private school girls only expect to work until they find a husband rich enough to provide for them

The 1950s called and wants its opinions back.

I think it tends to be you stay at home if you can afford not to work or you can't afford to work.
Working parents are in that middle gap.

These days I think it has very little to do with private school girls expecting to marry rich husbands and then be able to give up work. Maybe there are a minority like this.

I think a more important factor is that high earning successful women marry high earning successful men. Their careers are incompatible with raising children. One of them therefore decides to give up work. And in our society that's far more likely to be the woman.

Unsurprising. A lot of wealthy private school girls only expect to work until they find a husband rich enough to provide for them. It tends to be the expectation. In may experience the only women who tend to buck that trend tend to be those who come from more disadvantaged or immigrant backgrounds. That’s why it’s vital to look at alumni work / education statistics when choosing a private girl’s school.

This seems to have been the case with a couple of private school girls I knew in my 20s. They managed to find such husbands even though they didn’t go to university. SAHMs for life other than short part time stints in local hospitality industry. Children grown up now,

My mother (university educated, poor rural background) would have been horrified had I become a SAHM. She wasn’t a feminist, she had some seriously old fashioned views in some respects, but for her being a “housewife” was what uneducated women did. Times were different then.