To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

[TrophyCat]

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

It's because people who go to Oxbridge are workaholics - the degrees require about 70 hours a week, then they go on to high-flying jobs in the city which are 70 hours a week. Not that compatible with kids.

Whereas people from state schools/normal unis are more likely to be in normal 9-5 professional jobs that pay enough for childcare but not quite enough to live on 1 salary, and are more flexible.

Oh and also Oxbridge boys are more likely to be the "rah" types that work in the city for 6 figures and expect their wife to not work.

Oh and also Oxbridge boys are more likely to be the "rah" types that work in the city for 6 figures and expect their wife to not work

I think 7 is quite common... without a misplaced decimal

It says such a lot about the role of SAHM that OP is ‘shocked’ at how many of her well educated friends are a SAHM now

I’m a SAHM, been one for years - partly because some of our DC have ongoing illness and need support even though they aren’t children anymore. I did try to go back to work (a profession) recently - but the rigidity of the system meant it was never going to work with family life.

So I’m lucky enough not to have to work for the money, and DH knows our young adults need me to accompany them to the hospital - make sure they get the medical help that they need from our ever pressured NHS.

I’d like to work because of the self esteem it gives you.
Both in real life and mumsnet many people underestimate the role of the SAHM - it would be nice to have some recognition for what I have achieved -getting two neuro-atypical teenagers to Uni level education. Rather than just being rubbished by people who are upset that I don’t earn money - and that does include people in real life.

I'm not remotely surprised.

The law of averages suggests highly educated women will marry highly educated men, therefore income will be higher, therefore they are more likely to be SAHM.

If I had a husband on a high income I also would have stayed at home.

This is why some cultures don't place value on girls/women being educated to a higher level and rather spend the money on boys, as they become the providers.

?!? Have you ever even met someone who went to Oxbridge? Only a tiny minority go on to work in the City. Oxbridge graduates do all kinds of things. also, no, no student is putting in 70 hours a week. Even the medics.

I for one haven't the slightest desire to be a SAHM. I could, DH earns enough, but I don't want to and he doesn't want the burden of being the sole earner. I need a lot of intellectual stimulation and challenge and my brain would eat itself at home. Plus the pension, the meaning, the goals to meet, the challenge and self-development.

I work 4 days and don't work out of hours and have built my career and increased my salary about 40-50% since I had my first DC. My team are spread around the world so everything is virtual and nobody cares where I am other than for actual workshops etc - I WFH at least one day a week. We do have a nanny, and I earn more than we pay her. No thanks to a life of facilitating everyone else - and somehow, miraculously, DH also manages to build his career without someone at home full time facilitating him. Knowing that, whatever happens, I can keep me and mine is a great feeling. And it also allows me to know that I'm in my marriage because I choose to be, because it enhances my life, and not because I'm dependent on it or think I can't survive without it.

More of these long-hours cultures need to be challenged, by both sexes. They are not inevitable, and in fact in many fields they're downright counterproductive. Nobody can do challenging brainwork 10+ hours a day and stay sharp. No one.

That may be true, but hasn’t research shown that it’s the educational attainment of the mother that matters for the level of achievement of children

Also - being a SAHM with older children now means I have time to study languages, music and art. Nothing wrong with my intelligence. It’s just the world of work that hasn’t caught up with the need for flexibility for personal reasons. I think more people would work if that was more readily available.

And then there’s be fewer SAHMs and less fighting on Mumsnet! All good!

Have you ever even met someone who went to Oxbridge?

Yes - several of my friends. They couldn't go out-out during termtime because of how much work they had. A couple were on the verge of breakdown.

I went to a good uni, worked 40 hours a week (well, in years 3/4) and still managed to go out regularly.

But I totally agree about long-hours cultures being challenged. Many people nowadays are challenging them but some people are clearly happy to do those hours - they love working and/or money.

I'm happy with a decent mid-30s salary and 8:30-5 with no overtime or "logging in at home". I just wouldn't be willing to do that for any salary because I value my free time and hobbies. Luckily I work for a company that actually mandates you WFH a day a week because the office is overcrowded.....

Well, I have degrees from both, and other than immediately pre Finals I never put in forty hours a week, much less more. Scientists had a lot more scheduled time but didn't do much work out of hours. Nobody was putting in more than 40 hours a week other than people swotting madly for Finals. I got a First, incidentally, so it's hardly that we weren't working hard enough. The pressure and anxiety tend high, yes, but the working hours aren't the source of that.

Most of my cohort went into teaching, journalism, the Civil Service, think tanks, or regular corporate jobs. A single-digit percentage, at most, went into i-banking.

Probably got rich husbands so they don’t need to work
Awesome!

Maybe it was different subjects, colleges, years. I just know that my Oxbridge friends couldn't go out clubbing during termtime, and even though they were super smart at school, not a single one got a 1st. This was in English Lit and Languages.

I slacked off in 1st 2 years but knuckled down in last 2 and just treated it like a bog standard full-time job.

Cambridge students can’t go clubbing because the nightlife in Cambridge is shite...we used to go to London for a decent club night

But yes, a disproportionate amount of SAHPs in my cohort, and in the vast majority of cases because mothers weren’t prepared to put their children through day/night nannies and extensive time away from parents. I’m not sure the dads in those cases were that fussed, to be honest - the ones that do value involvement in family life more highly didn’t have the all-consuming City type jobs in the first place.

I’m shocked at the misplaced arrogance of you people!
I too went to an extremely expensive, well known private school and university, as did my daughter!
I was a stay at home mum!
I don’t think you people realise the importance of “staying at home” to look after your own children.
Mothers at both my daughter’s prep and later school, who are richer (some billionaires) than any of you said “I have people to do cleaning, cooking etc, but it’s I who look after my children”.
They always did the school run and stood in the playground like the rest of us!
Bringing up a child is the most important job you can do!
Besides, my daughter now 27 yrs laughs that most Oxbridge (like herself) are either lawyers or unemployed!!!!!!!!
Says it all about middle class snobbery!

Bringing up a child is the most important job you can do!

Oooooooh here we go

Why shocked?! Public school kids tend to marry other public school kids and it's well know public school children tend to have higher paying jobs, so theoretically that family would be able to survive on one income.

DH went to a major public, I was at an international boarding school (not in UK), both went to uni, I'm a SAHM now, as are many of my friends with similar backgrounds.

Well amongst my privately educated school friends and university friends (Oxford) I don’t know of any non working females, parent or otherwise. There is one male SAHP.

It’s just pure chance that cohort OP

Don’t generalise
People make all sorts of decisions for all sorts of reasons

Don’t spend anymore time on it.

Why are you surprised? Well educated woman date well educated men who get jobs that can afford one parent to stay at home? Having parents be able to afford good educated doesn’t guarantee ambitious career driven children.

Yes - several of my friends. They couldn't go out-out during termtime because of how much work they had. A couple were on the verge of breakdown.

That’s definitely not standard for either. Although it’s true there’s fuck all to do in Cambridge.

@Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah thank you for taking the time to reply. I was vaguely aware of the number of exams top IFAs have taken. Very lucrative though.

Was the original op thinking bit of a waste of a good education? I’m sort of with that. But it’s also very tricky to combine parenthood with working. Unless you have great back up. Only 24 hours in a day. And you do need to sleep for some of those hours. Also. As kids get older, they can actually need more care. Teenagers!!!

^Mothers at both my daughter’s prep and later school, who are richer (some billionaires) than any of you said “I have people to do cleaning, cooking etc, but it’s I who look after my children”.
They always did the school run and stood in the playground like the rest of us!
Bringing up a child is the most important job you can do^

Why do lots of them send their children to boarding school then? And what do SAHMs of boarders do during term time? Not trying to be goady here. I know someone who doesn’t work, husband is a City banker, three boys all away at public school and she just seems to go to the theatre and spend a lot of money on constantly remodelling her house. I love having my teenagers at home.

I was thinking the same.
Should I be turning up to my DS’s boarding school and hanging round at 4pm? He’d be mortified