To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

[TrophyCat]

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

A lot of girls I went to school with only went to university aiming to get jobs in big firms/banks in order to find a husband of the right calibre. I’m not remotely surprised by your experience. I sometimes wonder whether I shouldn’t have done the same (I married someone I loved. Also a public school professional etc but decided to pursue a career and feel like I can’t really back down because it’s compromised his career).

I don’t think that’s surprising.

I think you’re more likely to give up work if you have a career- as the hours/ stress may not be compatible with family life. Even if you’ve had a good education and studied for it. It’s bloody hard work to juggle both.

I have a fairly low paid job but I’ve stayed in work because they allow me to do part time and I can easily leave my work at the door. It’s a good work/ life balance.

Not this again!🙄

Yeah how strange.

Most of my female uni friends (oxbridge) are now SAHP or have changed careers/ gone pt because they are primary carer. In all cases their partners earn shit loads in high flying careers, city/ corporate areas - long hours and often away, so it was a choice between one of them scaling back their own career or having a nanny raise their kids.

I went to (not very fancy) private school and, conversely, nearly all my school friends still work ft if they have kids. But we and our partners do less mega-earning jobs, not working in city.

So I wonder if it's more to do with public-school educated women being more likely to partner up with v. high earners?

I think you’re more likely to give up work if you have a career- as the hours/ stress may not be compatible with family life

Really? I find the opposite low earners can't afford child care so often give up. Or maybe I don't because I don't judge and think it's about the individual.

Seriously though. Why are we playing this game again?

I think given the cost of childcare in this country, it isn't surprising. And it leaves women horribly vulnerable.

If I were having children now, I would stop at one so as to be able to afford to work and maintain my independence. As it is I am just grateful that I have always worked and can now provide for my kids as a single parent.

Seriously though. Why are we playing this game again?

What game?

Can't we have a SAHM bashing board? And a WOHM bashing board. I've already suggested a MIL board. We could have all the women bashing women boards hidden away in a miserable corner of MN.

I’m surprised. I find people with good careers generally don’t give up work.

I certainly didn’t.

The only SAHPs I know are my friends from private school. All of my state school friends and I have gone back to work part or full time. Have never really thought about it before, but the private school ones are richer generally, richer parents who gifted money so have smaller mortgages etc. so it’s perhaps not that surprising.

I know lots of women who would love to be SAHM but can't afford to so perhaps part of the reason is they have the luxury to decide. I also know quite a few families with high flying careers where one has given up work (not always mum to be fair) because it's not possible to maintain those working hours and give your kids a nice home life. If you're both out of the house 7am -7pm and sometimes working a day of the weekend then your kids are being raised by someone else most of the time and most parents don't want that.

It's not universal though I certainly know women who would love to work but can't afford childcare and women who maintained their careers but without extensive help it's difficult to have two high pressured jobs and raise kids.

what does it mean when someone just puts this?

Yeah...
We're the worst!
🙄😬😂

That is the least surprising thing ever

Perhaps there is more pressure to be a SAHM if you mix in circles in which everything must appear perfect? Bloody good for them and i wish DP had encouraged me to do the same.

I also went to a private school and then to Oxbridge and I don't know any SAHMs of school age children and only a couple of my friends stayed at home with preschoolers. Many of my female friends out earn their husbands.

I do think that people stay in touch with others like themselves.

Hybrid thread, SAHM (oh the waste!) bashing with a soupçon of public school bashing too!

Some people have children and stop going out to salaried work! Breaking news!

Are the children babies and toddlers? I think it's common for women to take a few years out of their careers with a view to going back, maybe part time, once their children are at school, if they can afford to.

What helped you make your choices OP?

The more senior the job, the harder it is to do it part—time. Certainly in my industry. Impossible.

not surprised at all. most of my friends who are Sahms have husbands in very much well paying jobs.

if your friends were privately educated and went to oxbridge, I'd hazard a guess that their husbands have good jobs too.

Unless you have a well earning husband, how can you be a Sahm? Makes total sense that they can afford that.

I am not surprised at all. I didn't have kids until 40 and, up to that point, my salary was our fun money (and we did have some fabulous holidays).

To return to my role would have required too many nannies and then boarding. Mindful that I didn't really know my Dad until he started giving me lifts to Uni, I didn't want to be that parent.

These days I do voluntary work with the odd bit of paid work if a former colleague/client gets in touch and asks for help. Other friends have opened "hobby" shops or craft-based businesses. A LOT of my friends play A LOT of tennis or yoga. The coffee shops and garden centres also do a roaring trade.

In my industy a lot of people (not just women but mainly) move from private to public sector which is relatively poorly paid but more likely to offer flexible working and part time hours.