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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

337 replies

TrophyCat · 28/11/2019 14:45

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

OP posts:

MarshaBradyo · 29/11/2019 18:10

Actually the skills shortage v very attractive company brand probably a big part.

It’s the same for friends who are partners or whatever in other sectors they can be flexible to a degree but available so not part time.

MarshaBradyo · 29/11/2019 18:14

One last thing obviously you can be unavailable at 4pm on a Wed but a whole day no way.

hettie · 29/11/2019 18:17

Its absolutely about choice. We all should be able to choose to stay at home or work (or a bit of both). The sticking point is that many many employers don't give men or women an option to have a life (let alone a life that has kids). Working 50 plus hours is shit, its shit for men, its shit for women and its shit for families. So you end up with binary choices- one person has to work the 'big job' and do ludicrous hours (and not really have a meaningful connection with anyone) the other stays at home does all the domestic and nurturing stuff.
Needless to say because of our social narratives there is often a dender split around these roles. Its bloody depressing and I'm far from convinced it makes for effective business practice. We have a productivity problem in the UK.... All thse bloody long hours are not making us very effective are they?

DanceItOut · 29/11/2019 18:21

I think it's the cost of childcare in this country coupled with the fact that not always but usually men earn more money. I tried going back to work after my first DC but the childcare in my area was very nearly my entire monthly paycheck, so I was missing out on seeing my son without financially gaining anything. So we decided that it would be better to have one of us (obviously the lower earner which was me) to give up work and stay home at least until DC was in school and would need only wrap around childcare. I think the childcare costs are too high in comparison to the average UK wage.

MarshaBradyo · 29/11/2019 18:22

DanceitOut compared with Germany or Aus (where my family is) UK childcare costs are very high.
I think highest in Europe but haven’t re-checked.

Alez · 29/11/2019 18:40

You don't say how old their children are. If everyone has very young children, but plans to go back to work I don't think it's so shocking (though it is disappointing that so many women do this, rather than it being more equal between men and women). If everyone's children are in school then it is shocking, and I feel a bit sorry for their husbands. I know I would find it stressful being the sole earner for a family with big liabilities (private school feeds + presumably a hefty mortgage on a nice house).

A lot of my friends also went to private schools and Oxbridge, but most of us don't have children yet. There are no SAHM, so I really think it depends on who you mix with.

zarek · 29/11/2019 18:41

Not remotely shocking. A parent staying at home is a good investment in your children and a worthwhile thing to do if you want to and indeed have the luxury of being able to afford to.

HopeClearwater · 29/11/2019 18:42

I feel so privileged to have a good job (yes the 6 figure cliché) and work school hours, mostly term time

You’ve got a six figure salary on these hours? What do you do? I need to know.

YouJustDoYou · 29/11/2019 18:49

All we can do is make decisions throughout our life that are right for ourselves and our families.To assume all women want to be SAHM’s is ridiculous as is assuming all SAHM’s miss having a career. Each to their own!

^^This.

StarClaws · 29/11/2019 18:53

I'm lucky to be able to stay home because my husband has a good career (yes the 7 figure cliché #humblebrag #lookhowrichiam)

giggly · 29/11/2019 18:58

I have kids and a career but in all honesty if I had a high earning dh I’d be a sahp but then I’ve not got a dh so no fecking chance. So it’s f/t work for me and running a house with 2 dc 1 with ASD . Do I win

Yetanotherwinter · 29/11/2019 19:00

Each to their own. I carried on working when we had our son although I dropped a day a week. This was very difficult in a male dominated shift based arena. I would never criticise anyone for carrying on working or being a stay at home mum. It’s a personal decision. Let’s not bash each other for doing what we think is the best thing for our families. What I will say is that those early years can never be repeated. I still remember my child saying things like “I hate after school club” and “why can’t you be like the other mummies”. Hats off to anyone being a SAHM and also those who choose to keep working.

YouJustDoYou · 29/11/2019 19:00

I could stay at home but want to have my own money. I spent years desperately poor so feel no guilt at what we have now, despite what some political groups say. I also have zero judgement at anyone who wants to remain at home, or those who want to work, or do part time, or whatever. Women are dealt enough shit in life as it is without other women adding to it. Do what suits you, your mental health, your family, as long as you are safe and happy.

icantbecani · 29/11/2019 19:01

I'm a city lawyer. All the female partners I know have a husband at home. Some jobs require a lot more than full time hours.

Nettie1964 · 29/11/2019 19:16

Why are we still bashing other womens choices. Sahm some have 2 some want to wm some want to some have to end of

Amanlamp100 · 29/11/2019 19:40

I think everyone thinks about this too much SAHM I didn’t go to public school but why do people still feel this is an important factor to mention!! Redundancies whatever gender or circumstance plays a major factor these days and impacts on deciding to stay at home or find another role.

Reading these Type of threads seem to depress everyone more nowadays, as we keep thinking about it all of the time!!

I am the opposite we both have degrees, DH went to public school I didn’t.. I have had a low paid temporary work since 2015 on and off I am guilty when working and the impact on the DC’s and guilty when not as I become lonely, lazy, cut off from society and not very passionate or motivated...

We are forgetting retired women that still want to work with grown up children, that may not help with the grandchildren. This topic is becoming blurred now...

TowerRavenSeven · 29/11/2019 19:47

They have other priorities. Neither one is better or worse than the other.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 29/11/2019 19:53

@HopeClearwater I’m a Chartered IFA and specialise in pensions and investments. Most of my clients are very wealthy.

I have 16 professional exams (degree level), quite a few taken during my maternity leave when it was easier to study in the evening.

I can’t say it was easy getting here, but I work for myself within a larger firm and book clients only during school hours. I have a part time PA and a paraplanner (technical admin) who works full- time for me.

It is a very very family friendly job as it is so flexible. There are very few women and I get chosen to work with people because I’m a woman.

I love my job.

museumum · 29/11/2019 19:53

It doesn’t surprise me at all. Everyone I went to uni with who had attended “well known public schools” had very traditional values and very conservative parents - fathers with big important jobs and mothers who followed them round their big jobs in London and Hong Kong and Sydney or diplomatic postings. None of the mums really had a career unless later on after the kids were in secondary or at uni so it doesn’t surprise me they might follow in that model.

DreamingofSunshine · 29/11/2019 19:54

I remember at the uni Milkround (naively) asking about flexibility further down the road and was told that you either do the job or don't, which seemed to be my experience of working in the City. I felt pretty disillusioned having worked so hard at school and university, then getting onto a very competitive grad scheme, knowing at some point I'd need to choose between my work and seeing my children. Usual combo of long hours and long commutes.

Rock4please · 29/11/2019 19:55

I think part-time or job sharing is the ideal. Much as I love my DC, being a full time SAHM would definitely not have been my choice. I enjoy my career, not only for the financial rewards, but for the mental stimulation, independence, sense of identity, and camaraderie with colleagues.

Also, even if you love being a full time SAHM when the DC are babies/toddlers, what are you going to do with your time when they go to school? Go to the gym, maintain the house, do the school run? I can see that for some people that might be attractive, and each to their own, but it wouldn't be for me.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 29/11/2019 19:56

@StarClaws but if marrying well is your top achievement brag away

Amanlamp100 · 29/11/2019 19:59

Lol Madcats Pizza Hut asked for a list of inset days Today as their buffets need to be doubled and They require extra staff.. Yoga is great to replace alcohol and smoking.. 😀 tennis ideal guess in the summer...😀😃

StarClaws · 29/11/2019 20:01

Well I gave up a good job to raise my kids actually (yes the 8 figure cliché)

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 29/11/2019 20:03

@StarClaws yes clearly

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