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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleHoodie · 28/11/2019 15:45

Essential hasn't said whether the wife (her friend) knew where her husband was, or if she was lied to about his whereabouts - and with whom.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/11/2019 15:47

Whatever your intentions you are leading him on Huh?

I may think that sensible boudnaries were overstepped but I can't see that at all!

As others have said, the OHs take on it is all that matters, but it is possibly not a good idea to do it regularly... your 'lovely lovely' friend might decide you are dangerous and start tracking her OH Smile

Shortfeet · 28/11/2019 15:47

I have one male friend like this but we don’t see each other so much due to work stuff.

It’s no big deal , I don’t want to jump his bones nor he mine

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 15:51

purple yeah, she definitely knew were he was (she mentioned it to me before he did, iyswim). I don't know if she knows I was with him, but I'll see her soon enough and it'll come up in conversation.

I'm firstly her friend rather than his, whoever asked - met through kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 15:52

*where

OP posts:
Delatron · 28/11/2019 15:54

It does sound like he’s seeking you out to spend lots of time with. It depends on how the wife feels about it really. Now I’d be pissed off if my husband was in a coffee shop (working?) and suddenly thought ‘I know I’ll call Delatron’s friend and see if she’ll hang out with me.’ Mainly because we all socialise together. Nothing wrong with male and females being friends but it doesn’t tend to be with spouses?

If she was stuck at home with the kids then yes annoying that he’s escalated the coffee to wanting to spend more time with you in the evening. Then 4-5 drinks aren’t enough, you haven’t spent enough time together? You have to carry on drinking in your house until 1am?

However, this is based on my circle of friends and this just wouldn’t happen. If the wife is cool with it and your husband seems to be them I guess it’s fine. Others may speculate though so be prepared for that!

Jellybeansincognito · 28/11/2019 15:56

If both of your partners were aware of the situation then of course that’s ok. I think issues arise when one of you would be lying to your partner about who you’re with/ where you are.

You didn’t exactly go home for a bonk did you?
You’re just friends.

PurpleHoodie · 28/11/2019 15:56

But that doesn't make sense. Your friend knew her husband was at your house until 1am but not that you were at home alone with him?

Based on that I'd say YABU.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 15:57

My DH prefers male friends for drinks and sports and general socialising. It just wouldn't enter either of our heads to spend time alone with each others friends.

Not saying all of it is wrong but the drink after the pub is a over stepping.

PurpleHoodie · 28/11/2019 15:58

As the young'uns say this century.

Shady.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 28/11/2019 15:59

Coffee fine. If it was a night at a pub involving a band you both really like or something then understandable. If it was just a night boozing I do agree it feels a bit off. Only because...if I've caught up with a friend for coffee then I dont normally feel the need to spend all evening with them as well and then spend more time with them after the pub has shut. That's what you do with someone who you are having an amazing time with (enjoying it more than you would just catching up type thing) or maybe someone I havent seen for ages eg friends visiting from abroad when you know their time over here is limited.
I go out for dinner and drinks with male friends regularly and meet them for coffee and lunch etc...I've never felt the need to spend that much time with them in one day though. So I can understand where they are coming from. I'm an introvert though and need downtime so guess it might be different for extroverts

Damntheman · 28/11/2019 15:59

I wouldn't have an issue with this.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 28/11/2019 16:00

My mum has gone to the cinema with her friends husband before as they both like the same films but they wouldnt go out for a drink alone,no need to.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 16:00

No your reply doesn’t make sense. She knew where he was (your house at 1am) but not that you were with him? Does she think your husband was there too?

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 16:00

But that doesn't make sense. Your friend knew her husband was at your house until 1am but not that you were at home alone with him?

Sorry, wasn't clear - she knew he was going to the pub, she told me about it before he mentioned it to me (in the context of "x is out at the pub tomorrow, so I'll be able to get on with y")

OP posts:
beminetonight · 28/11/2019 16:01

Hmm Something is very wrong with this picture.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 16:02

So she doesn’t know he went out with you? Following on from having coffee in the day and defiantly doesn’t know he came back to your house at 1am?

All she knows is he went to the pub but not who with?

Delatron · 28/11/2019 16:02

Definitely not defiantly

GrannyBags · 28/11/2019 16:05

I think you need to check in with your friend and make sure she is ok with it - before someone else does. I’m not sure where you live but in our small village there is always someone watching. If he hasn’t told her, and you don’t then it looks like you have something to hide.

Nanny0gg · 28/11/2019 16:06

Wouldn't happen in my circle but then we're old. Don't know if that makes a difference.

I think you may need to tread carefully.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 16:07

Agree with Granny Bags.

cheesydoesit · 28/11/2019 16:08

Have you hung out together like that before? It just seems odd that on a pre planned trip to the pub he would think of inviting his wife's friend.

If I were your friend I would be narked for reasons mentioned before - left holding the kids while my two favourite people had fun without me! Yes, it might seem a petty and childish way to feel to some but I would wonder why you wouldn't have came to my house instead of yours for post pub drinks.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 16:10

The only thing that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable about this, is that you've repeatedly referred to him as your 'friend's husband'.

I get that you were friends with her first and so that's the order, but surely you would have dropped that moniker by now?

I mean if you and this bloke are actual proper friends.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 16:11

And all the way through you describe him as ‘friend’s husband’. Not your actual friend.

Whilst it may be innocent on your side I’m wondering why he sought you out to spend so much time with? Coffee wasn’t enough so he had to invite you to the pub to see the band too. It wasn’t like you bumped in to each other and fancied a coffee, he specifically called you. And he already had plans to go to the pub so maybe hoped that you would come along to that too.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/11/2019 16:13

I think it's a bit odd yeah. Did you tell your DH that you were out in the Pub with him and that he came back to yours after? If so what was his reaction and if not, why not? I would also be interested to hear what you friends thinks about when she finds out you went off to the pub with him and then back to yours for a night cap. Call me uncool but I wouldn't be comfortable with it if I were his wife or your husband