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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 28/11/2019 16:14

I also don't understand friends husband? Are you not friends with both of them? Presumably you are?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/11/2019 16:16

Do you fancy him? Although it's not wrong as such I don't think I'd very happy in your frien's position.

Euromillsplz · 28/11/2019 16:18

PurpleHoodie

As the young'uns say this century

Shady

🤣

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 28/11/2019 16:19

So she said her DH was going to the pub and you didn't say 'yy I know he's invited me along?' Confused

And now there's the friend you spoke to today who potentially knows about all of this before his DW does? You haven't acted like a friend to the wife.

You need to think seriously about the signals you're sending here because faux naivety will only go so far and this has the potential to hurt lots of people.

nohateplease · 28/11/2019 16:19

For me, the coffee is fine.

The pub is a bit dodgy as I would wonder why he was inviting me out knowing my husband and kids were away.
Inviting him back to yours until 1am is crossing a boundary I think. Why, after spending the afternoon and evening with him, did you need to invite him back to yours?

I would also be interested in knowing how often you've been out on your own with him before.

And why would he not ask you to babysit his kids so he could take his wife to the pub instead?

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/11/2019 16:19

There's a difference between her knowing he's gone to the pub, and knowing he's gone to the pub, with you, who he'd already seen that day, and with whom he prolonged the night until 1am.

Given people on here, plus your other friend in real life have reacted negatively to this situation, I would be actively getting in touch with the wife ASAP to ensure she hasn't got the wrong end of the stick!! If she hasn't, then great, no harm done. But if there's a chance she won't like this (how can any of us here really advise?), don't leave her to fester. If you're close, you're probably the person she'd want to speak to about issues like this anyway!

SavageBeauty73 · 28/11/2019 16:20

I went to the cinema with my friends husband last week as she doesn't like romcom's and he was desperate to see Last Christmas 😂 I've also sat up late drinking and chatting to him when my friend went to bed 🤷‍♀️

The key is as long as his wife and your husband know, there's no problem. I have loads of male friends but would feel so uncomfortable if it was secret from their partners.

elmosducks · 28/11/2019 16:20

If a good friend of both of ours, I wouldn't have an issue tbh

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 28/11/2019 16:20

It's irrelevant what your friend thinks, what mumsnet thinks or even what you think. What's important is what your husband and your friend's wife thinks. They might both be fine with it. They might not. One might be fine, the other might not.

Nobody is "right" or "wrong". Talk to your friend. If she's fine with it then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Aridane · 28/11/2019 16:21

Wildly inappropriate - I agree with your friend. However, if your friend is hunky dory with this (and your husband is) and the 'friend's husband' understands that an all day piss up concluding at 1am at yours when your DH away Is, ya 'now, what friends do, then I guess all is well

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 16:22

So she said her DH was going to the pub and you didn't say 'yy I know he's invited me along?' confused

FFS. Sunday: Friend and I are chatting about thing she needs to do. She says that she'll do it on Weds when her H is at this music thing.

Wednesday: He asks me if I want to go to the pub with him.

OP posts:
Whattodoabout · 28/11/2019 16:23

Provided his wife knows and is ok with it, I can’t see much of an issue. If he had sinister intentions and did it behind her back then he crossed the line. I don’t necessarily think you did anything wrong although I probably wouldn’t have invited him in for another drink personally.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 16:23

Why are you getting stroppy?

Just tell her. Then you will know.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 16:24

Funny how he invited you for coffee on the same day as his music night out. Was he going to go alone then if he hadn’t invited you? No friends of his invited along?

I’d speak to your friend quite quickly.

nohateplease · 28/11/2019 16:24

I agree with TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre, it is about your husband and his wife.

Your husband is clearly fine. His wife knows he went to the pub but possibly not that he asked you to go with him, and were drinking (just the two of you) in your flat until 1am. Until you know she know THAT then it's not fair on her.
Have a chat with her, if you think she's as relaxed about it as your husband then she should be fine. But if she's not, then as others have said, you need her to know before it gets blown out of proportion and into something it's not.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 16:24

His wife doesn’t know!

OneDay10 · 28/11/2019 16:25

so he knew he was going to the pub, knew he was going to ask you and yet never told his wife. yes this sounds dodgy from both of you.

bobstersmum · 28/11/2019 16:25

It sounds a bit odd, is this something you regularly do when your dh and daughter arent away? I think it's odd because you spent basically the whole day and evening together. Where was his dw and doesn't he have any male friends?

HepzibahGreen · 28/11/2019 16:30

The coffee-ok
The night out-a bit iffy
The inviting him in-not ok.

I have 2 very good male friends of long standing. I would do all 3 of those things with them, but I see both rarely (distance) and they are MY friends, pre DP. This man is your friends husband, as you keep referring to him.
Men and women CAN be friends BUT affairs behind when people are not entirely honest about their feelings, and when they allow themselves to "unexpectedly" get into intimate situations, alone with someone they fancy. I don't think you are being honest with yourself essential.

JOBrien333 · 28/11/2019 16:30

@EssentialHummus

It sounds like he is testing you to see if you are interested ... are you?

Aderyn19 · 28/11/2019 16:30

I'd be hurt if my husband wanted to be out drinking with another woman rather than being with me. Even if we were just at home with our kids.
I think you are deluding yourself if you think he isn't after more.

NearlyGranny · 28/11/2019 16:32

Depends what you talked about. Did he tell you his wife doesn't understand him? 😉

Quartz2208 · 28/11/2019 16:33

was anyone else there that he knew. Were you in a big group or was it just the two of you.

Because a random text leading to a coffee leading to a night out that he had prearranged but seemingly not invited anyone else too before he invited you. And a friendship that seems to not have involved anything like this before is very different to spending time with a friend of the opposite gender

The parameters of what she knew and what happened seem very off. This isnt a discussion about generalisations but this actual event. And it seems very much a pre cursor to an affair or move in that direction from him.

Tread very carefully OP you seem lovely but massively naive and out of your depth with this one

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 16:33

I think it's odd because you spent basically the whole day and evening together.

No - coffee for 45 minutes or so, then the pub from 8.

is this something you regularly do when your dh and daughter arent away?

Yes, though with the difference that my daughter is 2 so I'm not going to stay up that late, knowing I'll likely need to be up at 6am with her.

OP posts:
HepzibahGreen · 28/11/2019 16:33

NearlyGranny Grin