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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
WaggleWiggle · 28/11/2019 14:12

I think inviting him back to yours until 1am when your husband is away is putting you in a dangerous position. Innocent as it was, it’s the sort of thing that happens when people have a romantic interest in each other and it would be absolutely understandable if your partners were concerned. I’m puzzled as to why his first thought was to message you to say he was working in the cafe and again to ask you to the pub music night without your friend. Does she know?

ThisIsM · 28/11/2019 14:13

I would not be happy about it at all. Yes it says more about me and my insecurities but I don't think it's appropriate for my DH to have close female friends that he has a lot of alone time with, (especially drunk evenings til early hours) - or vice versa for me. Even just taking the threads on here about affairs in careers where the people spend lots of time (or unsociable hours) with the opposite sex and how common affairs are, I think it's just asking for trouble. I don't care what anyone else thinks about that, but I don't want to take the risk. I think it's opening yourself up to risk.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/11/2019 14:15

Think this is inappropriate. He's also a dick to just assume his wife is childcare whenever he wants to swan off to the pub and hang out with some gal until 1am on a weeknight.

charliesp · 28/11/2019 14:15

What Confused

This definitely crosses a line for me, but hey, if you and your friends DH both told your respective spouses that this was going in AND they both did not see a problem with it, then fine.

Someone has already mentioned this up thread but while you were out with your friends husband was your friend at home looking after their DC?!

BritWifeinUSA · 28/11/2019 14:17

If he was working in an office would you have gone to join him there? Does he employer know that he “works” in a cafe with a friend? What did he ask his wife to come to the cafe if he wanted company? Does he normally need another person there with him to get him through a day of work?

Picklypickles · 28/11/2019 14:19

Hmm, I don't think I'd like that. I probably wouldn't have had a problem with maybe just the meeting for coffee and a chat, or going to the music night at the pub, but all of that AND going back to your place for further drinks would raise my suspicions, that's a lot of time to be spending with someone elses spouse imo.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/11/2019 14:20

Look, cool wife, jealous wife, you have crossed a sensible boundary there.

Inviting him into your empty home until the early hours, whilst tipsy. No husband or wife would really be fine with that as an out of the blue occurrence. It would cause some concerns, some sadness, some suspicion.

Not saying you were absolutely wrong, just that it was an injudicious choice that could still harm your friendships and your marriages.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/11/2019 14:21

The fact that coffee progressed to sending the evening drinking together, then you invited him back to yours and carried on drinking and talking til 1am...

This.

I would say the same as your friend - this is inappropriate.

If your husband and daughter were around, would this have happened? Staying out 'til 1am during the week?

SureTry · 28/11/2019 14:24

Look, cool wife, jealous wife, you have crossed a sensible boundary there.*
*
This.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 28/11/2019 14:25

So his DW stayed home watching their children whilst you went to the pub with him to listen to music and then invited him back to your's? Confused I have lots of male friends and regularly meet them for lunch or dinner but I'd think what you both did overstepped a line especially since your DH is away. I'd also be very surprised that both of you were that naive. Maybe one of you is but I doubt it was a coincidence this happened when your DH was away.

bottlenose301 · 28/11/2019 14:25

Yeah I wouldn't be too happy either ,

Does his wife or your husband know?

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 14:26

To whoever asked, yes I told DH. I've no idea what he told his wife but I'll see her soon enough and it'll invariably come up as we ask after each other's weeks etc.

Yes she was at home with their DC, the same way he was at home with their DC last time I went out with her.

OP posts:
QueSera · 28/11/2019 14:28

And what did your DH say?

Confusedbeetle · 28/11/2019 14:28

All three meetings were escalatingly innapproriate. Whatever your intentions you are leading him on

User342109097569098 · 28/11/2019 14:29

You went out with a friend and nothing happened if your husband and his wife don’t mind I see no problem. As long as there is no flirting. Men and women can be friends.

eenymeenyminyme · 28/11/2019 14:29

Well then, as long as your DH and his DW are happy with it, why are you asking us?

Everyone has different 'rules' in their relationships and you've obviously not breached yours so who cares what anyone else thinks?

PooWillyBumBum · 28/11/2019 14:30

I don’t really see what’s weird about it. I’ve got drunk with male friends, had them back for a drink or two in DH’s absence (he used to work away intermittently) or let them crash on the sofa and when he’s in the house with DD - he usually comes down when he’s around, says hi, then slopes off to bed again. We also have a mutual friend (met through her) and DH has stayed at her place before when I’m busy.

When he works away him and colleagues go out a lot and drink in hotel bars. Some are female, some are married.

If it’s all open and honest and platonic I don’t see why we should limit ourselves to same sex friends over to the house. I’ve been in a relationship with a woman before so by this stream of logic I’m not safe with anyone!

Luckily my husband trusts me.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 14:30

And what did your DH say?

He said "Hmm, seeing all these men huh?" followed by a smiley face, which is his standard reply for literally any interaction I have with other blokes, including the checkout guys I talk to at the local supermarket.

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 28/11/2019 14:31

As long as all 4 of you are happy with it and it's purely friends only - then knock yourself out

Ginger1982 · 28/11/2019 14:31

I'll be honest and say that I wouldn't like it and consequently wouldn't do it myself.

Bunney2020 · 28/11/2019 14:31

For me it would be the context of the friendship. If you we're friends with the husband before the wife, ok. If not I'd find it super weird, not necessarily in a cheating context. Especially if this never happened before.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2019 14:32

I'm normally in the "cool wives" club but I'm a bit unsure. I can't imagine DH being out that length of time in a school night unplanned with any friend, let alone one of my female friends.
There's an element of "couldn't bear for the night to end / couldn't say good bye" that would make me twitchy

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2019 14:33

So you didn't tell his wife? Did you ask her to join you? Text her to let her know before or after? Does he invite you out for one on ones when your husband is home?

If the answer is no to any or all of them then yeah I'd say there was something going on in your head about this guy.

HelloYouTwo · 28/11/2019 14:33

I think it al depends on how your other halves feel. In particular how his DW feels. I’d be quite hacked off if a mutual friend and my husband had an impromptu jolly night out while I stayed at home with the kids. I’d like to be given the opportunity to get a sitter and join them, or invite the friend over for dinner so I could have a social life too.

But in this case they might have an amazing social life together or separately or she might be unbothered. How can we tell?!

Doubleyouexwhyandzed · 28/11/2019 14:33

It’s the coming back to yours for after drinks but that makes me feel uncomfortable. Are you sure he doesn’t have the feels?