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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
AtseneGatnalp · 28/11/2019 14:34

As eenymeeny says.

If everyone in this scenario is happy, why ask for opinions? I don't ask for MN opinions on whether it was ok for me to go out last week with one of my female friends for a drink then go back to her house for another drink and a chin-wag, because it would never occur to me or to our OHs that it would be problematic.

Ski4130 · 28/11/2019 14:34

I'd be fine with everything up to the nightcap at your place bit, not sure I'd love that and I'm pretty laid back - my husband is still friends with his ex of 25+ years ago (he recently went to her father's funeral and then met her for lunch before she flew back overseas) which I have zero issue with. One of my closest friends is male, and dh is absolutely ok with it, we're friends with his partner and all socialise together (she's actually one of our eldest dc's Godparents) I'm not sure I'd invite him round for a drink after an evening's drinkoing though, that feels slightly odd.

zebra22 · 28/11/2019 14:35

YANBU I have done similar with my OH friends when he is out of town

OneDay10 · 28/11/2019 14:35

I do think its inappropriate. Next time who is to say where this friendliness ends. interesting to know what his wife thinks of it.

AtseneGatnalp · 28/11/2019 14:37

Having thought further, I suspect this thread is actually a form of 'mentionitis'...

ursuslemonade · 28/11/2019 14:37

Dunno but it reads to me as if you have no awareness of where this situation can go....
Meet for a coffee yes,

night out in a pub hmm tricky....

Invite him to your place at night...inappropiate.

VeniVidiVoxi · 28/11/2019 14:37

It would depend what his wife was up to while you two were having a great time I think. If she was happy having a quiet night in with the kids that's fine but if she got dropped like a hot potato so he could go off on his jollies then that's not cool at all. It's on him to know the situation but for sure you would be in the firing line if she was pissed off about him stopping out late (without even thinking of things being more adulteryie than they were by your account).

Lizzie0869 · 28/11/2019 14:38

All okay apart from inviting him back to your place for a nightcap. IMO, that crosses a line.

Onthetrain75 · 28/11/2019 14:42

I don’t think there’s anything weird about having coffee with him, or being out in the evening either.

That said, unless his wife (your FRIEND) really didn’t want to go out, I would have expected my friend to tell my husband that perhaps he should be taking ME out, as most people don’t get enough decent time with their partners as it is?

Maybe it’s the way you phrased it but something about “inviting him up” afterwards just sounds more like a flirting thing, I wouldn’t do that with a friend’s husband but like others have said if you’re all ok with it then it will be fine.

shearwater · 28/11/2019 14:43

Fine if everyone is being open and honest. If you were meeting up and not telling other halves, that would be dodgy.

Littletabbyocelot · 28/11/2019 14:46

I am normally not at all bothered by things like this. My husband frequently goes out with friends of mine without me because they enjoy a similar type of night out.

It's the escalation that would bother me here - from coffee to let's keep spending time together and go out, let's not end the night yet. There's just something romantic / sexual about that.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/11/2019 14:49

I'm sure you didn't think anything about it at the time, but looking back, how does it make you feel? I suspect that if you couldn't see any potential for problems or drama, you wouldn't be asking about it.

I think a line has been crossed, but that doesn't need to be a huge problem, just be more aware in future.

JingsMahBucket · 28/11/2019 14:50

@EssentialHummus I would be fine with this. And if your husband is also totally okay with it, so be it.

Sunflowersok · 28/11/2019 14:53

Seeing him for a coffee or a late drink fair enough. Inviting him back to yours? Massively inappropriate!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/11/2019 14:53

I agree with others. Going back to yours was really unwise. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think boundaries were crossed, it’s what your friend or her DH may have thought. You don’t know for sure if this is something he has done and led to an affair in the past. And it’s also about keeping yourself safe.

TheQueef · 28/11/2019 14:54

Atsene I've seen EH around loads, she's a regular.

KellyHall · 28/11/2019 14:57

Sounds like two grown ups, having a pleasant time together.

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 28/11/2019 14:58

I don't think it would bother me, your allowed to have drinks and socialise with friends of the opposite sex. I've often gone for coffee or lunch with my male friends. It's only inappropriate if there's a chance its anything other than platonic.

Havaina · 28/11/2019 15:01

The usual pathetic troll hunting for anything outside anyone’s comfort zone I see Hmm

OP, in the face of it, no issues at all. But I met a friend’s husband once for lunch at his request (wife aware) because he was was very close to my office and it did end up causing a coolness between me and her. Wish I had bloody said no, I didn’t even particularly want to him. It was totally platonic.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 28/11/2019 15:01

It wouldn’t bother me if my DH did this with one of my friends (unless is wanted him home so that I could go out!). But I wouldn’t do this with the DH of a friend out of fear I’d be accused of overstepping the line.

Namelessinseattle · 28/11/2019 15:02

Bunney2020 has hit the nail on the head. Is he your friend who's wife you have also become friends with. Or is he your friends husband. A key distinction.

Notverygrownup · 28/11/2019 15:06

If you had posted "My friend's dh and I plan to go to an event and spend 13 hours together. AIBU?" then, as long as your partners were happy I would have thought this was fine.

However, your description of how a casual phone call led to one thing, then another, then finally 13 hours later to him going home, is reminiscent of so many romantic dates that we have all had, that this is concerning. Maybe it is the way you have described it that is the problem. You have tried to downplay any intention, to show that you weren't planning to spend time together. It wasn't deliberate. But by doing that - perhaps because your friend gave you a hard time - it now sounds defensive.

Hope that you can see why some would be concerned. Hopefully it's nothing but please be honest with yourself about whether you, or he, were approaching boundaries.

dottiedodah · 28/11/2019 15:09

The morning coffee was fine I think ,possibly the evening out at the pub .However asking him back after 4 or 5 drinks is not really sensible .Many affairs have started this way sadly! .You both have been drinking theres no one else at home .It doesnt take a genius to work out what happens next really does it? Does he go out with his wife at all? I dont think I would like this at all if Im honest

TheOneWithTheNewName · 28/11/2019 15:11

It's a big ole no from me

TheGirlWhoLived · 28/11/2019 15:12

@EssentialHummus you’ve been around at least as long as I have, and that was back on the wolef days of yore!

As to the matter in hand... if it was my dh in our situation then it wouldn’t be appropriate (he’s a surly stroppy bugger so that much socialising in itself -without a woman involved would be unusual!) however if it is normal for you to meet up in this way then you’ve got nothing to worry about!

I think if you put yourself in the mindset of perhaps being attracted to women instead of men, then it’s a perfectly platonic drink, even if it was in your house, and led to a long chat! It’s the “male/female must want to shag each other senseless as it was past midnight” mentality that we need to get over in society as a whole.

Even if the whole premise in his mind was to secretly seduce you - that’s on him, not you! I imagine you weren’t draped suggestively around in lingerie? Even if you were it wouldn’t AUTOMATICALLY mean you were trying it on.

Society talks about equality, and yet the equality boundaries are blurred due to imagined sexual attraction- it’s ridiculous. You were not being unreasonable to enjoy an evening with a man, woman, even a fucking guinea pig if you so wished!