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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Keepmewarm · 02/12/2019 08:26

Depends on the friendship. All involved don’t have a problem so it’s fine.

I wouldn’t mind if dh did this.

PotteryWheel · 02/12/2019 09:54

You've REALLY read the room wrong Pottery.

No. I think it was pretty accurate.

It's good you've established boundaries with this particular girlfriend. It's always a good idea to check in with each girlfriends parameters regarding their relationships.

Or you could simply behave like a normal adult and not fetishise entirely above-board male-female interaction.

If there really is no drama and nothing to look at here, why did you post this in the first place, EssentialHummus? (I don't mean this in a hostile way - just in a 'what was the point, if there is nothing to discuss?' kind of way...)

Because, as she said in her OP, a (different) friend told her the whole thing had been deeply inappropriate, and as she hadn't thought anyone involved did anything at all wrong, she was a bit taken aback.

She's now discovered why significant numbers of Mumsnetters are chronically lonely, because they regard any interaction between men and women who are not single as liable to lead to an affair rather than a friendship.

Aderyn19 · 02/12/2019 10:03

There is a big difference between 'any interaction' and going on a date. I think a lot of people, who are ordinarily quite relaxed about male/female friendships, would consider this night out to be problematic.

PurpleHoodie · 02/12/2019 11:04

Exactly that Aderyn19.

Many of us women are very relaxed with regards our own relationships: Age, experience and good self esteem brings this.
We also more quickly learn to recognise underhandness, gaslighlighting and liars (and simply won't put up with it). From partners, lovers or friends. People who put down women are always very telling.

PotteryWheel · 02/12/2019 11:38

There is a big difference between 'any interaction' and going on a date.

A 'date' involves agreeing to go out with someone to assess whether you're well matched for a romantic and/or sexual partnership. The OP and her friend's husband are married to other people and went to a gig together with their spouses' full knowledge and approval.

It was no more a 'date' than when I took a friend of mine out for dinner to a new restaurant we both wanted to try a couple of weeks ago to celebrate his birthday. His wife knew, my husband knew. No one was 'dating' anyone.

Aderyn19 · 02/12/2019 14:16

But they didn't just go to a gig, did they? There were drinks until 1am at the OP's.
Maybe one or both of them was testing the waters, maybe not. But attraction grows when people put themselves in intimate situations, with drink and where they are having all their fun with someone other than their spouse.
To me, you don't do date type activities with the husband of your friend. The gig, maybe, but drinks just the two of you in the middle of the night, no.
I'm honestly not saying that couples have to be joined at the hip or that people can't have friends, but there's something that just feels 'off' about this.

Considermesometimes · 02/12/2019 19:42

I imagine she is trying to get rid of dh if she is actively trying to push him on to you op. If what you say is actually true, that is very weird. He is either damaged goods and she wants shot of him, or she is looking for a short or long term break. Could be sounding you out for a threesome, and why not if she is just so relaxed about it...it is always the quite ones.

This is definitely not normal by most people's standards, and if you are up for it and so is she, crack on. I find it all a little sordid myself.

Considermesometimes · 02/12/2019 19:43

quite - quiet

AtseneGatnalp · 02/12/2019 20:17

I went to a bar with a female friend last week. We then went to a concert, and then went back to hers for a nightcap or two and a long chat.

I told OH that this is what I was doing. He said fine. Her OH was away anyway, and I have no idea what she told him. Our DC are all older teens/at university, so no childcare issues.

It is a complete non-story, and I certainly wouldn't start an AIBU about it.

So why did you, OP?

PotteryWheel · 02/12/2019 20:33

Because she, thinking it was an entirely normal thing to do, mentioned it to another friend who responded as though she was the Whore of Babylon.

AtseneGatnalp · 02/12/2019 20:40

But in that case she'd know the friend was a tosser, surely?

I suspect the OP is not as innocent as she says.

PotteryWheel · 02/12/2019 20:51

Well, presumably the friend isn’t a tosser, which is why the OP was taken aback. And as this thread has shown, a lot of people who consider themselves perfectly normal are also behaving as though the OP is the Whore of Babylon. Or saw the friend’s husband as putting the moves on her. Or the friend as trying to set up a threesome.

Because all these things are apparently more likely than that two people go to a gig and have a solo nightcap together afterwards with the full knowledge of their spouses, and no one seduces or suspects anyone else, and life goes on.

AtseneGatnalp · 02/12/2019 21:25

Fair enough, Pottery. It's hard enough to work out my own motivations for things, without trying to divine a stranger's on an online thread.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 02/12/2019 21:27

Second friend isn’t a tosser in the slightest - quite reserved and thoughtful, wouldn’t speak ill of anyone or be controversial for the sake of it. And she was vitriolic with me. Hence this post.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 02/12/2019 21:52

What's the actual point of this Thread ? I don't understand what the AIBU is atall ?? Hmm

spanglydangly · 03/12/2019 07:30

So I presume by now @EssentialHummus that the wife knows, now as she?

spanglydangly · 03/12/2019 07:30

*was

Insideimsprinting · 03/12/2019 07:43

If my husband did this i would wonder why he wanted to do this with you and not me. I would wonder even more why he would want to go back to yours for a few drinks too rather than come home and stay up to chat to me.
I do trust my husband but I would be wondering about it all I would also question your intentions.
Your both leaving yourselves wide open to misinterpretation, speculation and even overstepping the mark. Often when affairs happen what do you hear? It just happened..... No it started with something apparently as innocent as this and this is why it's inappropriate.

Insideimsprinting · 03/12/2019 07:45

Actually as a pp mentioned if it was that innocent why are you on here for reassurance, another alarm bell for me.

LazyDaisey · 03/12/2019 07:48

“when I took a friend of mine out for dinner to a new restaurant we both wanted to try a couple of weeks ago to celebrate his birthday. His wife knew, my husband knew. No one was 'dating' anyone.”

Followed by inviting him to your empty house for drinks until 1 am? Because that’s the scenario you’re comparing. No one is discussing going to a dinner at a restaurant being odd. You definitely are reading the room wrong by calling this normal adult interaction, as you’ve failed to notice that many posters find something not “normal” about this at all.

That the four people involved have no issue with this doesn’t mean others won’t raise an eyebrow at this scenario and think what the fuck.

Aderyn19 · 03/12/2019 09:51

There's also the possibility that one or both is hiding in plain sight. If both spouses know about this, then it must be okay, right?
I think it's 'off' to ring up your wife's friend and ask her to lunch in the first place. It would be different if the OP was primarily his friend, but she isn't. Plus asking her to the gig. It wasn't appropriate, imo to ask him back for a nightcap and not appropriate for him to accept. I honestly think he's putting the feelers out, but can pretend innocence because his wife knows. All that means is that she trusts him, not that he is necessarily trustworthy.

SerenDippitty · 03/12/2019 10:09

I'd be fine with everything up to the nightcap at your place bit, not sure I'd love that and I'm pretty laid back - my husband is still friends with his ex of 25+ years ago (he recently went to her father's funeral and then met her for lunch before she flew back overseas) which I have zero issue with. One of my closest friends is male, and dh is absolutely ok with it, we're friends with his partner and all socialise together (she's actually one of our eldest dc's Godparents) I'm not sure I'd invite him round for a drink after an evening's drinkoing though, that feels slightly odd.

Agree with this. DH still exchanges Christmas cards with an ex fiancée. I think this is preferable to her diving down alleys at the sight of him (though she lives on the other side of the world so not much chance of that).

The nightcap at your place is a bit odd. Did your DH’s husband know your DH and your DD were away?

If1knewiwouldnotbehere · 03/12/2019 10:12

@LazyDaisey

To be fair, early on. people had issues with the coffee and then the gig.

There are four levels of acceptable I've noted.

Some think why invite OP for coffee?
Some think Coffee was fine, but why extend to gig?
Others think both coffee and gig are fine, but why go up for drinks in an empty house.

Then there are a few who think everything is fine since nothing was going on.

With that randomness of responses, I'd fear mentioning anything to my friend which could make my friend really suspicious, when there was nothing to be suspicious of.

Grape0 · 03/12/2019 10:32

To quote Joey Tribbiani:

Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

It's so not OK, I can't believe you're even having to ask.

PotteryWheel · 03/12/2019 12:31

Followed by inviting him to your empty house for drinks until 1 am? Because that’s the scenario you’re comparing. No one is discussing going to a dinner at a restaurant being odd.

The reason I made the comparison was because on multiple occasions on Mn I've seen posters say they would never go out for dinner or to the cinema with a male friend, because that's 'date' territory. I agree with you that going for dinner with someone is perfectly normal, but a lot of people on here disagree.

And if it's being in a slightly drunk, late-night space where a bed and solitude mean that sex is an option, then I've been on holiday with the same male friend where we've regularly stayed out in a cocktail bar till 2 or 3 am with two hotel rooms in which we could have slept together to hand. (In fact, once, on a weekend away, I actually slept in his hotel room as the aircon stopped working in mine.) We've had numerous opportunities when, like the OP and her friend's husband, we could have had sex without anyone knowing. But we haven't, because we're both married and aren't attracted to one another.

That the four people involved have no issue with this doesn’t mean others won’t raise an eyebrow at this scenario and think what the fuck.

Well, yes, that's why the OP posted, because another friend thought this. But surely it's the opinions of the four people involved that matter? Or are you saying you know better than those people?