Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Loftyswops988 · 28/11/2019 15:12

I would have no issue with this. The only thing that I would find weird would be if he hadn't told his DW? There is nothing inappropriate about being friends/spending time with someone of the opposite sex but keeping secrets is an issue. I would make sure you're all on the same page about things

FizzyGreenWater · 28/11/2019 15:14

I am the least cool wife there is and I wouldn't have a problem with this if all partners knew, everyone is already an established friend and there has never been any previous issues.

makingmammaries · 28/11/2019 15:15

It does sound like a date. I’m cool with quite a lot of unconventional things, but this so oversteps normal social boundaries that I think you are asking for trouble, given that you have absolutely no idea what is going on in his mind.

PurpleHoodie · 28/11/2019 15:15

Have either of you told his wife yet?

What did she say?

bluehairandheartbroken · 28/11/2019 15:16

Is there a reason you're asking? You say your DH is fine with it, is his DW fine with it? If they are, then it doesn't really matter what people on MN think - if you're all happy then that's great.

Would be happy with it? Honestly, no. But my situation will be different from yours - had you asked me a couple of years ago I would have said I'm fine with it, I used to be one of those 'cool wives' but there's been a whole load of trust issues thrown in there now so I wouldn't. But that's me, and plenty of others would be OK.

A pp mentioning that that's how plenty of affairs of started jumped out at me. They're right of course - but then again, equally you should be able to trust your partner to have a drink with a friend of the opposite sex without their pants accidentally falling off. I suppose if someone is going to cheat they'll do it anyway eventually, whereas other people in a hetero relationship can spend lots of time with someone of the opposite sex and never even dream of cheating. Anyway I'm rambling now so I'll shut up!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 28/11/2019 15:16

Just tried imagining this with the DH of one of my friends, and equally if I was working away, if one of my friends invited out my DH.
Broadly, coffee not inappropriate, music night not inappropriate, invite in for a drink in middle of night is inappropriate.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 15:19

thegirl I'd love an evening in with a guinea pig, DH won't let me have one! Grin

To whoever asked, I posted about it here because the friend today - who is usually a mild-mannered, "lovely lovely" sort who really goes out of her way to be uncontroversial - looked at me like I'd suddenly grown horns.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 28/11/2019 15:21

If all 4 of you are happy I don’t see a problem. It’s only a friend- not like you were trying to shag each other!

adaline · 28/11/2019 15:21

As long as all the adults involved are happy, I don't see a problem.

spookysamhainwitch · 28/11/2019 15:24

@EssentialHummus I think it all depends on the context of the friendship. I'm friendly with a couple, met both at work at the same time and neither would have an issue if I went out for drinks with one of them.
Ok the other hand if I went out for coffee and then drinks and then a night cap with my friends husband. Than that's an entirely different thing altogether.

I think essentially until you speak to the wife and see what she says you won't know where you stand. Would you be concerned to think she could be upset by this?

LemonPrism · 28/11/2019 15:24

Unless you're good friends with him too then it's weird. I'd do this with DPs Male best mate but we're very close. I wouldn't with a friends husband who I didn't know independently. Very strange

LL83 · 28/11/2019 15:25

I would not be pleased if I was your husband or his wife. I would be unreasonable but I would not like it.

Also I would never go out with my friends dh. A coffee or a drink if we bumped into each other but nothing organised. Because if I was organising something it would be with my friend, not her husband.

Dontdisturbmenow · 28/11/2019 15:26

Well when you meet her and bring it up, see how she knows and how she reacts.

If she says she knows all about it, and is delighted he has a friend to spend almost an entire day with, then all good. If it turns she didn't know, or knew only half of the truth, or appears cagey, wanting to change the conversation, then you know something is not in.

It does so be very cagey though. Why not invite you to the pub when he first contacted you but inst as asking you for lunch first.

When you suggested going back to yours, why didn't he suggest going back to his so you could include his wife with the drinking.

Your intentions might have been clean, you can get that his were not and you are naive or pretending to be if you can't see it.

msmith501 · 28/11/2019 15:29

Unless the agenda is "sex and more sex", then why does it matter what the sex / gender of the other party is. If a gay male went out with a hetero man, would the same fuss be kicked up? Me and my partner have strong friends of both sexes and often spend times with one or the other both singly and together. Two friends went for a drink, then another and then another... and no one played hide the sausage. This has nothing to do with being enlightened... rather the opposite... it's because the OP, her DH and both friends are proper decent people and totally trust each other.

Derbee · 28/11/2019 15:30

As he did the inviting...

If I was his wife at home, I’d be ok (not thrilled) with the cafe, quite annoyed about the pub, and fucking pissed off about the drink back at yours, at 1am. Especially if I’d been looking after our DC.

If I was your husband and away, I’d be totally fine with the cafe, totally fine with the pub, and pissed off about the drink back at yours at 1am.

desperatesux · 28/11/2019 15:33

I would never do that with a friends husband and I get on v well with some of them.
She is unlikely to say anything but inside she is fuming to be sure. You invited him back to your place at one of clock in the morning ??
You have crossed a line and I would be v surprised if you don't starting feeling a cool breeze from her

Lizzie0869 · 28/11/2019 15:34

I'm not surprised that she was hacked off tbh. She was stuck at home with the DC whilst he was gallivanting around with her friend until 1am. Not because she suspected any funny business was going on, but because it was inconsiderate to her.

Why didn't you go to his house so that his wife (who is your friend) could be part of it?

AlternativePerspective · 28/11/2019 15:35

If we as a society keep going with the thinking that people can be gay straight or bisexual there will come a time when it will be deemed to be inappropriate to socialise with anyone outside of our current relationship. Is that really what we want as a society?

WRT this particular situation I don’t see the problem given you’re friends, given your partners seemingly know (his DW will have known he’d gone out anyway wouldn’t she? So likely she knows where and with who as well,) and assuming you don’t have feelings for each other’ even to the extent of just having a crush.

I’ve always had male friends and it would never occur to me to think it inappropriate to socialise with any of them, why would it. One of my male friends even apparently has a reputation although I didn’t know that until he’d been round for lunch while working in the area and a friend asked if he’d tried to get me into bed. Shock it wouldn’t have occurred to me that he would, and I genuinely don’t think he would..

If friends’ wives had an issue I might reduce contact on the basis that I wouldn’t want to cause issues for them,but I still wouldn’t think we were doing anything wrong.

I wonder if your friend has either A, been cheated on in that way or B, has had an affair which started up by meeting a male friend at night.

SeaViewBliss · 28/11/2019 15:37

All three meetings were escalatingly innapproriate. Whatever your intentions you are leading him on

Assuming of course that all men are only interested in interacting with women in a sexual/romantic way. Why do assume the man in question has an interest in the OP in that way? And why is it the woman leading the man on? Would you accuse a man of leading a woman on in the same way? It's so depressing in this day and age that people still think of women leading on all these poor defenseless men.

If all parties trust their partners, why is any of this an issue?

Frenchw1fe · 28/11/2019 15:38

It all depends on your intention and the guy’s intention.
If neither of you have any romantic intention then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.
If my husband did this with my best friend I’d have absolutely no problem.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 28/11/2019 15:39

Depends, I he your friend per se or more of the husband of your friend?

adaline · 28/11/2019 15:41

I'm not surprised that she was hacked off tbh. She was stuck at home with the DC whilst he was gallivanting around with her friend until 1am.

The friend who's hacked off isn't the friend who's husband she went out with.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/11/2019 15:41

If you are ok with it and so are your partners , then I don't see the problem. The fact that your friends doesn't trust her DH is her problem and not yours.

PrinnyPree · 28/11/2019 15:42

It would be no problem with me if my husband hung out with a female friend if I was away and he wanted some company, however I'll admit if I was at home looking after the kids and he'd gone out with a friend for a coffee, which went on to drinks at a music venue then a nightcap, I'd probably feel a bit left out (and a hint of jealousy).

As long as she was cool with it and you go out with her in the same impromptu way and leave him looking after the kids no problem, you only know it's a problem if he or you get nervous about talking to her about it. As long as everyone involved is on the same page I think it's nice to have male and female friends.

MistyCloud · 28/11/2019 15:44

@EssentialHummus

Hmm