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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:

Motoko · 03/12/2019 12:48

But OP doesn't describe him as her friend, but her friend's husband. There is a difference.

PotteryWheel · 03/12/2019 13:34

But all of your friends were surely once total strangers, or random other parents at the school gate, or your friends' husbands or wives...?

Mn can be so weird about friendships. On the one hand, it's full of women saying how lonely and isolated they are, but then seeming to discount half the human race as potential friends because it's 'disrespectful' to their husbands or their friends' wives/girlfriends.

And also, on these kinds of threads people keep saying 'Oh, it's different if it's an old, established opposite-sex friendship from before you met your husband/wife' -- but those friendships still needed to have started somewhere, surely?

For some people it seems to come down to the fact that, once you are in a relationship, you are apparently not allowed to make new opposite-sex friendships. I've been (happily) with my husband since my teens and I'm now in my mid-40s -- am I supposed to have avoided friendships with men for several decades? If I had, I'd be missing some lovely, supportive, unproblematic friendships.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 03/12/2019 13:37

My best friend and I do stuff like this all the time. He's young enough to be my son and would absolutely die at the thought of anyone assuming anything was happening.

Crazyladee · 03/12/2019 15:50

pottery

Why are you so invested in this thread?

OP asked for people's opinions and got them. We are all entitled to our opinions on here, aren't we? Although if it was me, having met up with my friend, who is normally so unopinionated, reserved and thoughtful and be told by her that what I had done was inappropriate, my first concern would have been to speak to my friend (who has the DH) instead of posting to put the feelers out on mumsnet and then casually saying "oh I'll discuss it with her next time I speak to her"

As a previous poster has already said, she got a mixed bag of responses but the majority of people, including myself, have agreed that the nightcap til 1am that night was very inappropriate.

Maybe the friend (whose husband the OP has been out with) DOES feel it was inappropriate, but feels she doesn't want to say so as she doesn't want to taint the friendship?

PotteryWheel · 03/12/2019 17:25

@Crazyladee, a lot of people are very invested in telling the OP she's either kidding herself that she's not planning infidelity, has put herself in danger of sexual assault, has betrayed her friend/her husband, or behaved completely inappropriately and essentially invited her friend's husband in for sex. None of these things accord with anything the OP has said about the behaviour of any of the four people involved, but some posters seem determined to find some sleazy angle. Or are inventing things like scenarios where the friend is really upset about the OP going to a gig with her husband but for some reason isn't saying so.

I'm merely pointing out that a possible interpretation of the facts as given by the OP is that this was an entirely innocent fun evening, which upset no applecarts, and which will either never happen again, or she might actually become friends with the guy as well as his wife, in which case it might.

AtseneGatnalp · 03/12/2019 18:46

I'm afraid you're trying to fart against thunder, Pottery.

PotteryWheel · 03/12/2019 18:51

What a lovely expression.

I did have quite a beany chilli for dinner...

Aridane · 03/12/2019 20:36

I think any one of the things OP did was by itself fine (other things being equal). However, taken together they amount to one hell of a good date

MargotB7 · 03/12/2019 20:46

Whe I was with my ex I wouldn't have minded him doing this. Mainly because I wanted out but didn't have the balls to say so.

I would definitely mind my DH spending all this time with my so called Friend.I love spending time with him and he does me.

BitOfFun · 04/12/2019 02:43

As far as the reality behind this thread goes, it would appear that all is well, and I believe that @EssentialHummus has acted in good faith, with no unpleasant repercussions.

It's still an interesting topic to debate though, in general terms, and it's not a situation I would relish if I were in it.

JolieOBrien · 04/12/2019 03:00

I have had to distance myself from a friend and her husband because he once kissed my hand which I found totally inappropriate and creepy. She wasn't there at the time and I have never told her ... she keeps asking me around for a coffee and I keep telling I am rushed off my feet with Christmas and will catch up with her in the new year.

JolieOBrien · 04/12/2019 03:00

telling her

1forAll74 · 04/12/2019 03:40

I don't see a problem with this at all, only insecure ,and those of a suspicious nature would think it a no no.

SickNotes · 04/12/2019 09:46

I have had to distance myself from a friend and her husband because he once kissed my hand

Really? You couldn't just have said 'Eww, gross! Save the faux suave thing for your wife' and continued to see your blameless friend?

Talkingmouse · 04/12/2019 09:55

I would be v relaxed with this if they had booked a babysitter for the day/night, wife was out at event X till late O’Clock and husband was with you as described.

As it was she was at home with baby all day and night. He stayed out till 1+. Presumably hungover next day so no use with looking after the kid(s) the next morning.

Staying out till 1am in this scenario on a whim is just thoughtless behaviour, exacerbated by the fact it was with you, her friend, 1-on-1.

In this scenario I would have suggested going back to theirs and drinking late all 3 of you together...

summersherewishiwasnt · 04/12/2019 10:02

Are you canvassing views and opinions as plausible retorts to your dh “you did what” face when he founds out. I think it’s really selfish of you and his friend to decide to play “cool married partners” without asking your respective spouses of the agree with your stance. (Or maybe I’m just old and cynical).

Lulu78873 · 04/12/2019 11:24

People will always have differing opinions about this. I found myself at the centre of a storm in a teacup last year. During a night out that Husband and his friend were in attendance, his friend got removed from a bar for coming to my rescue with one of the bouncers who got a bit rude and aggressive. Due to being involved in the situation, I was also removed. The friend and I went back to his place for a few drinks while my husband and other friends stayed and finished their evening (were there for a going away party for a good friend and didn't feel right leaving, otherwise they normally would have left). Husband had absolutely no problem with this at all but some comments I got from others were crazy. I'm not a jealous person (and neither is my husband), we just couldn't understand peoples responses to this situation.

My view, If all parties trust each other, then its totally fine, if anything happened that made you uncomfortable or if the shoe was on the other foot and you wouldn't be happy or are hiding it from your OH, then i'd maybe think twice next time.

Katgurl · 05/12/2019 23:08

I think it's clear this is a situation that the majority of people wouldn't like. But none of the four relevant people fall into that category. And given op knows all four people (one of them is herself) she was better positioned to judge than any of us. I am surprised that the other friend was so aghast though. does she know the other people involved?

JolieOBrien · 06/12/2019 04:54

@SickNotes

He also patted my bottom and said other things which were not acceptable. I haven't told my husband because he will go around there and punch him.

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