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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 29/11/2019 21:09

I mean, if I were sure that the guy had 100% pure intentions, I would take it as given that he told his wife. Why do you think he may not have? The new fact that you're in doubt about this changes the dynamics of the situation.

PotteryWheel · 29/11/2019 21:10

But this is how people become friends! They start off as ‘school gate parent’, ‘friend/spouse of friend’/‘someone I met in the playground’ and then you have a coffee some time and discover you like one another, and end up at a gig..

converseandjeans · 29/11/2019 21:19

Depends if both your partners know. The lunch cafe thing sounds more ok than late drinks back at yours while DH is away.

billy1966 · 29/11/2019 21:40

OP, you may be very sure of your intentions, but we can NEVER be 100% sure of anyone else's.

Therefore if he had other intentions..., I do think going from coffee, to a gig, to a drink, back at your place might be seen to be facilitating his agenda.

I certainly wouldn't do it and I certainly wouldn't imagine my husband would do it.

Not because men and women can't be friends, but because we are not naive, and I wouldn't knowingly put myself in a potentially difficult position.

I wouldn't be surprised at your friend thinking your behaviour is off.

Not prudent.

Salene · 29/11/2019 21:44

It would make me feel uncomfortable if I'm honest

Most people don't set out to hurt there partners , it's situations like these that develop from friends to more

I wouldn't be happy if my husband did it also I would do that incase somehow I eventually ended up falling for another man

MsRomanoff · 29/11/2019 22:00

But this ishow people become friends! They start off as ‘school gate parent’, ‘friend/spouse of friend’/‘someone I met in the playground’ and then you have a coffee some time and discover you like one another, and end up at a gig.

To be fair, you are right

I often get to know dps friends by randomly inviting them for coffee, the goi g out that evening followed by drinking at chat at their place, on our own. Topped off with, not telling dp who I was with.😑

If I was our with a woman, I am sure I would tell dp. Even just in passing 'oh had coffee with Kate today, we are going to x place tonight'.

Squirrelplay · 29/11/2019 22:53

Really can't be bothered reading 15 pages but he totes wants to shag you - I'd bet my house on it!

YABU OP... but you know that Wink

justilou1 · 29/11/2019 23:00

I have a married couple of friends (knew him first, but am probably closer to her.) They both work four days each, with different days off. I sometimes catch up with him by himself and do things with or without the kids, as we both can gasbag like little old ladies - and in a totally different way to to the chats I have with his wife. There is zero attraction - mutually. If I didn’t report it to my DH or he to his wife and someone else did, nobody would be remotely suspicious. If one of them rang up while we were out and about, we’d both say hello. It’s not always weird. I think your other friend is projecting issues of her own. Maybe discuss what she said with your partner and your friend’s in case she starts stirring the pot.

PotteryWheel · 29/11/2019 23:22

@MsRomanoff, now you’re extrapolating things the OP never said. The OP and the friend’s husband know one another from baby/toddler things and as two free-lancers presumably have the occasional daytime coffee. It’s hardly some hook-up with some random from soft play. The OP told her husband, who was unbothered. The guy presumably told his wife who was coming to the gig before he went out — the OP only said she didn’t know this for definite. But why on earth wouldn’t he? She’s primarily his wife’s friend, and she will be definitely be talking about it with her in the next couple of days. There’s no possibility of keeping this a secret!

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 29/11/2019 23:56

@coffee fine, pub fine if wife knows. But surely going back to her home for another drink until 1AM is crossing the line here?

Vulpine · 30/11/2019 00:02

Sounds like the kinda night his wife might have enjoyed - oh no, she was looking after his kids

Dieu · 30/11/2019 00:06

It's odd, in my personal opinion.

FelixFelicis6 · 30/11/2019 00:16

The inviting in for drinks at 1pm is the most dodgy part. Hmmm

PapayaCoconut · 30/11/2019 00:32

The guy presumably told his wife who was coming to the gig before he went out — the OP only said she didn’t know this for definite

Why would she say that, though? Why did she consider the possibility he might have hidden it from his wife, if she thinks it's 100% innocent?

PotteryWheel · 30/11/2019 00:43

I think the OP said that only in response to questioning on here, @Papaya — I don’t imagine for a second it occurred to her on the night that there was anything surreptitious going on from his POV. It sounded to me as if she only started second-guessing the situation when the other friend she mentioned it to was taken aback.

wintersweet1977 · 30/11/2019 00:44

If you're just friends then what's the problem?

PotteryWheel · 30/11/2019 00:45

I mean, I think she only said it because when asked, she obviously wasn’t present when he told his wife, and didn’t receive any form of communication from her to prove he had.

Pierrettelasanguinaire · 30/11/2019 01:29

Finding it a bit disturbing how many posters appear to struggle with reading comprehension (unless they are wilfully misunderstanding and/or projecting) and how many apparently feel that a spouse is an item of property.

SleightOfMind · 30/11/2019 01:34

It’s all about context.
If you happily recount the lovely evening you had with DH when he gets back and he happily tells his wife then that’s fine.
If it’s all a bit secret then you know it’s not ok.

Also, if the circs were reversed, so you were away with DF and your friend and your DH had the same evening, would you be happy?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 30/11/2019 01:37

@Pierrettelasanguinaire of course my fiancé is not my property nor am I his. He can have coffee and go to the pub with what ever friend he likes. It's getting into a situation that forces the partner to unconditionally trust the other person by going home with them till early hours of the morning that is utterly disrespectful and fiancé agrees. Neither of us seek situations where it would ever be possible to not undoubtedly trust the other.

Aridane · 30/11/2019 06:16

You’re a shit friend, OP. This is EXACTLY how affairs start

Though to be fair, @CurlyhairedAssassin, most affairs don't start with a full on full blown date as the OP describes

Vulpine · 30/11/2019 06:28

Ok then - thats how attraction starts

MsRomanoff · 30/11/2019 09:38

justilou1 that's different, you are friends with him. That's your set up. It appears this isnt usual.

@PotteryWheel No, if OP assumed she knew, she would have said to the shocked friend 'both my dp and his wife are fine with it' that would be the end of it.

Why would OP be asking if it's odd if everyone knows and is comfortable with it?

We all have individual friendships. We all do things other wouldnt. Most have said if the wife is happy, ignore shocked friend.

It appears the wife doesnt know.

And you can get to know friends AND mention it in passing.

My dp isnt my possession. But then I wouldnt be with someone who wants to go drinking round at a females house they kind of know, who is actually my friend.

Although, he does visit my best friend without me as it's his sister. But my other friends, that he kind of knows, no. I wouldnt do that either.

MsRomanoff · 30/11/2019 09:42

PotteryWheel if my friends husband asked if I wanted to go somewhere and have deibks/concert or something I would say 'dont you want to take wife?' That would start the converstation.

No I wouldn't go out drinking and invite my friends husband to mine, if I wasnt sure she knew. Especially, if this is a new thing.

If we happened to bump into eachother, od course we would have a coffee or a drink. But not back at mine and not arrange it without her knowing.

Lizzie0869 · 30/11/2019 10:49

Actually, IMO what the OP did was very risky. The impression I got was that she doesn't really know this man all that well, so she couldn't really know that she could trust him in this type of situation. Heck, we don't even know this about people we're close to.

The OP might be 100% honest that this was just a night out with a mate. But it's impossible to know for sure that this man didn't have other ideas about it.

Okay, I'm aware that I'm probably projecting because my past makes it very hard for me to trust anyone.