Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Aridane · 29/11/2019 00:10

Has he not got any friends?

Who needs friends when he has OP on tap?

YoungHun · 29/11/2019 00:11

So your "friend" from childhood is at home looking after their kids whilst your out having a drink with her husband AND you invite him back to your house!

You don't see anything wrong with this??

I'm surprised you have friends!!!!!

Aridane · 29/11/2019 00:12

Sounds like a fabulous prolonged date - meet up at a cafe, a music / pub night and then back to your until the early hours.

Aridane · 29/11/2019 00:13

I only see my female bestest friends occasionally as we are so busy. Never mind fitting in one of their DH's in for a cheeky coffee FFS

Grin
YoungHun · 29/11/2019 00:15

Spot on @Considermesometimes

Aridane · 29/11/2019 00:34

Agreed

PeopleWhoRun · 29/11/2019 00:55

Is this a reverse?

mummyof2girls18 · 29/11/2019 01:02

Hmmm it’s a NO from me...

This is beyond disrespectful to respective partners that I am baffled people are encouraging it? Hmm

AtseneGatnalp · 29/11/2019 18:05

@TheQueef I'm not sure why you directed that at me. I haven't suggested the OP isn't a regular Confused or that she's making this up.

I did say I suspected that her starting the thread was a form of 'mentionitis' (i.e. she actually fancies this man, even if she doesn't admit it) - which is very different from saying that she's not a regular!

TheQueef · 29/11/2019 18:11

My apologies Atse I misunderstood. Brew

MrsTWH · 29/11/2019 18:16

I can’t imagine doing this with any of my friend’s DHs. Massively inappropriate IMO. I’d also be seriously cross if my DH did this with any of my friends and left me at home with the kids. I have done this with male friends of mine but they came back to mine while my DH was there and he was fully clued up/knew them.

AtseneGatnalp · 29/11/2019 18:43

Thank you. It did make me re-read what I'd said, which is never a bad thing! Brew for you, too TheQueef.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/11/2019 19:02

You’re a shit friend, OP. This is EXACTLY how affairs start. There IS a difference doing the day/night out you did with a female friend compared to a male one. You need to imagine that you and your female friend went out on that exact day/night out that you did, but this time imagine that both of you had had a big row with your respective other halves. You would talk it through, sympathise with each other, give each other advice, maybe drink to female friendship and make jokey “who needs men anyway?” type of conversations, and have a good dance to the band in the pub. The music is loud so you have to talk into the other’s ear, so you’re bodily very close. All fine.

Now imagine all that happening but replace your female friend with your friend’s husband.

Would it be appropriate? Would you be on very dodgy ground? I know what my answer would be.

You see it all the time on here. Someone’a Going through a rough patch in their marriage and gets talking to a colleague of the opposite sex who after a few drinks confesses that they’re having problems too. They are a “support” to each other and arrange to meet up again. Before they know it they’ve both (or one has) developed feelings for the other. It becomes an emotional affair. And the next stage is.....

It’s all just extremely dodgy. This wasn’t having a coffee with him at a kids’ party that he brought the kids to. As others have said, arrangements were very much made in the same way as you would a date.

Plus, you need to be very careful because you don’t know how honest your friend’s husband has been with her. If he’s had romantic thoughts towards you he’s probably changed his story a bit. If what YOU say to her when you mention it is not the same as what he said to her, then you’re both going to look like you’re hiding something anyway.

Come on, you’re kidding yourself here. If you knew your DH was going to be away with the kids you would have already made plans, either to meet up with a girlfriend, or looking forward to the house, remote control and bed to yourself. I can’t think of a single person I know who would arrange to go out on impulse last minute with a friend’s Husband, while their own DH was on a planned night away with the kids.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/11/2019 19:18

And if you’re still reading: you barely know your friend and her husband. You say you met through kids and do “toddler” things together. So you have known each other only for a couple of years or so. You can’t known someone well that you’ve only known since your toddler ages child was born and your socialising is usually done though the kids.

PotteryWheel · 29/11/2019 19:40

Massive projection, @Curly, and a lot of inventing of details which are simply nowhere in the OP — there’s nothing whatsoever to suggest all four people in this scenario aren’t very happy in their relationships, so it makes absolutely no sense to compare it to two female friends going out after they’ve both had fights with their husbands and complaining about them, or to suggest there’s anything wrong with these marriages based on the information we have here.

The OP’s DH and DD were away overnight, so she can accept an invitation at the last minute and stay out late without a care in the world and have someone in for a late drink in a way you can’t if you’re worrying about waking a small child at midnight. The friend’s husband had already arranged to be out that night, so he and his wife had already arranged she was looking after their child/ren, so it’s not as if the OP was depriving her friend of a planned night out.

Nothing the OP said has suggested any inappropriate behaviour or attraction on anyone’s part. I don’t think, in itself, that having coffee, going to a gig and having a late drink afterwards indicates anything other than two people having a spontaneous fun evening that’s probably unlikely to happen again anytime soon.

GinUnicorn · 29/11/2019 20:10

@MargotB7

Engaged and have one already and pregnant with the second. It just wouldn’t bother me.

If it was all the time I’d be annoyed but occasionally I couldn’t get worked up about.

GinUnicorn · 29/11/2019 20:11

Excuse the appalling grammar in that post. Serious baby brain today!

MsRomanoff · 29/11/2019 20:31

This is just odd.

My best friend is like my sister. She is actually my sil but we are closer than she is with my dp (her brother) I am good friends with her husband.

If he texts me out of the blue to meet for coffee, then the pub I would be thinking 'what the fuck?' No way would I invite him for more drinks back at mine til the early hours

And if I had an inkling he had with held this information? Not a chance would I be ok with it

I have actually been to 2 concerts with my best friends husband. We like the same music. Best friend suggested it. No late night drinks back at mine though

Can help but feel OP quite likes the thought of people thinking this is inappropriate.

JolieOBrien · 29/11/2019 20:33

You have broken the girl code OP ... I would never date or sleep with a friends partner.

GrannyBags · 29/11/2019 20:35

How did we get from an evening out to sleeping together? Did I miss an update?

ilovetofu · 29/11/2019 20:46

Oh for goodness sake.

No. Of course I wouldn't have a problem with DH doing this with one of my good friends.
If they are my friend then I trust them.
I trust my DH completely.
So no problem.

But, if I had trust issues with DH (for example if I suspected him of cheating on me) then this would obviously not be cool.

🤷‍♀️

GinUnicorn · 29/11/2019 20:51

@ilovetofu thank God I it’s not just me.

MsRomanoff · 29/11/2019 20:56

You would have no problem with your dh doing all this.....and then not mentioning who he was with, over the next few days?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/11/2019 20:59

They barely know each other. Just through the toddler aged child. This is not an old friend and her husband. It’s like one of the school gate dads texting and asking to meet for a coffee, surely. Just, odd.

PapayaCoconut · 29/11/2019 21:04

I don't know if she knows I was with him

Forgive me for the rudimentary discourse analysis, but what you seem to be (casually) suggesting here is that the guy may not have told his wife he spent the evening with you. Why are you not acknowledging how incredibly fucking dodgy strange that would be?