WIBU about friend's husband?

[EssentialHummus]

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

TRIGGER WARNING
There's another thread ongoing, where the partner of a friend was round the OP's house drinking with OP and her partner. OP's partner went to bed, and left them drinking, and the friend's partner attempted to rape OP. Luckily, OP's partner heard her screaming and threw the guy out, but she's very traumatised, and has lost her friend.

This OP had no husband at home, and made an offer that often leads to sex.

@Motoko that is beyond awful, but most men are a el to be drunk around women without raping them, even if they fancy the woman, fancy sex or try to instigate sex.

Of course, but it pays to be careful, and enough people on this thread (as well as OP's other friend) think that inviting him back for a drink was iffy.

@Motoko, but by ‘iffy’, they mean ‘looks as if she’s suggesting sex’, not ‘putting herself in danger of sexual assault’.

And I think you must all live in some highly-sexed soap opera world, where any instance of unchaperoned men and women enjoying one another's company leads to a quickie on the sofa if not a fully-fledged affair. You must really not trust yourselves at all.

Yeah I echo the previous poster - not all men are rapists, the vast vast majority are not.

We obviously know that the majority of men are not like that, however, sadly, the number of rapes/sexual assaults every year show that it's really not as rare as we would like to think.

Sadly, some of us know from bitter experience that there are a lot of men who are a danger to women, so it pays to be careful, especially if it's someone you don't know very well. Rapists don't exactly have 666 inscribed on their foreheads.

And it's not about living in a 'soap opera' world in my case, it's about having suffered SA as a child. My F was responsible but he appeared like a pillar of the local community.

Its tricky as you've made it very clear nothing inappropriate happened and you just hung out as friends but it just sounds strange and I probably wouldn't be happy about my OH hanging out with my female friend having late nights with her, going out to pubs etc. Does his wife and your DH know? Are they fine about it? Would you be happy for your DH to be doing the same with the wife?

If this was my other half i wouldn't be bothered. It would also raise no eyebrows if i did the same

People that think like this, its a favour to put it down to their insecurities imo

My best friends husband was a plonker but I put up with him because I loved her and I think he disliked me as well but we just tolerated each other. She has been dead now for over 10 years and I now don't have to tolerate him anymore that gawd!

the number of rapes/sexual assaults every year show that it's really not as rare as we would like to think.
Of course not, but do we then say no wen should ever be alone with a man because he might be a rapist, no woman should ever go anywhere alone because there could be a rapist around the corner. Not even husbands or friends are safe, so women should always go around in twos?
The reality is the guy who tried to rape thecean whilst her husband was upstairs was the exception not the rule, he could have just as likely attempted to rape her in the kids of the day when he popped over to borrow some sugar.

No I'm not saying that. But I would still think that inviting a man into your house for a nightcap at 1am who you really don't know well (which as I understand it is the case with the OP in this case) isn't a great idea.

I have some very good male friends who I've known for many years who I would have no misgivings about at all. And I wouldn't have any difficulty trusting my DH either.

I'm not saying that what the OP did was wrong, if both couples are happy there isn't an issue. My only concern is that the OP barely knows the man at all.

It's the lack of communication with his wife that I find really odd. I could see that if I was out for coffee with a male friend and he invited me out to the pub to see a band, that I'd offer to babysit so he could go with his DW or that I'd say 'oh that means DW is home alone, I'll see if she wants company.'

And if I agreed to go under the mistaken belief that other people would be there, I'd cut the night short when I realised that wasn't the case.

There's just no way I'd be standing outside my door after midnight, knowing he's about to head back to his DW and I'd think 'I know, I'll try to prolong the night even longer'.

There's just no way I'd be standing outside my door after midnight, knowing he's about to head back to his DW and I'd think 'I know, I'll try to prolong the night even longer'.

Yeah, that's seriously shitty behaviour.

Why is it ‘shitty’? Are you imagining his wife frantically waiting up? Or that a spouse is somehow owed 100% of their spouses’ time, and has to be returned as soon as possible, like an overdue library book?

Bizarre situation if you ask me. You come across as a bit naive? I'M cynical cindy and would have major alarm bells ringing with this. But different strokes and all that. I'll admit to having not RTFT.

I don't know about 'shitty', but I would say thoughtless. That doesn't mean that I believe couples own each other's souls; just that trusting your husband and/or friend generally means that you are confident they won't bypass you without a second thought.

Shady as fuck.

If everyone has ALL the information, it is ok.

If not, it's as BitOfFun says.

Why is it ‘shitty’? Are you imagining his wife frantically waiting up? Or that a spouse is somehow owed 100% of their spouses’ time, and has to be returned as soon as possible, like an overdue library book?

Nah, but they have small children. Any time he spends drinking in pubs and friend's living rooms is solo parenting time for the wife.

I'd still like to hear what the wife thought of the evening out, to be honest.

DH and I have a small child and no evening babysitters available. Unless we actually have a family member (all overseas) staying who offers to babysit, we have to take it in turns to go out — I’m sure that’s true for lots of people. The friend’s husband was going to the gig anyway, so other than the nightcap at the OP’s, he wasn’t out any more than he would have been in any case., and the OP refers to him being at home looking after the kids the week before when she was out with her friend, so it seems a bit much to label him some kind of Jack the lad, while his wife is drudging at home.

That's not a direct comparison though, is it? It might be if his wife had spontaneously invited the OP's husband out, and somehow had the freedom to further continue the evening privately for a nightcap.

Yes.

Exactly as BitOfFun says.

Where is all this fake naivety coming from?

(Don't answer a rhetorical question, people; Just - don't)

Purple they're not naive, they're either trying to be cool or gf. In OP's case she's admitted she didn't tell the DW about it and has a question over whether the DH did; she doesn't know the DH that well; it's never happened before. Add to that, the OP's evasiveness on this thread where it took lots of asks before she admitted no-one else was at the pub with them . . .

I often meet male friends for lunch/dinner, etc. This isn't a question about male/female friendships and possessiveness. It's about this specific set of circumstances.

sorry I answered your rhetorical question

That's ok. You speak sense.

Trying to be cool is for tweens and teens. Past that it's just cringy.