WIBU about friend's husband?

[EssentialHummus]

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

Well, from my point of view, the frantic, clenched possessiveness is pretty tweenybopper. As is the magical thinking about the snares cast at people’s feet by unchaperoned proximity to the opposite sex.

Plain English, or easily understood slang would suffice.

Plus honest dialogue between couples. No hardship. Surely?

Affairs don't just happen. They result from people putting themselves in situations where attraction can develop (like going out and doing fun stuff together, while drinking ). This is the danger of couples socialising separately - all their fun times take place with other people and all the domestic drudgery takes place with each other.
A good husband and a good friend wouldn't put themselves in this situation. I think you are both shady.

Plain English, or easily understood slang would suffice.

What do you mean?

Plus honest dialogue between couples. No hardship. Surely?

The OP and her husband appear to have honest dialogue. He was completely unfazed by her seeing her friend's husband.

The OP didn't know firsthand about the other couple, so there's no information about that in her posts, but there's no reason to think otherwise -- she was going to be seeing her friend within a day or two and would be talking to her friend about her night out with her friend's husband. Even if he were the shadiest character in the world, it would be perfectly obvious the OP was going to be talking to his wife, her close friend, about their night out within a day or two, so it would seem a deeply stupid move to have concealed the identity of the person he was going to the gig with.

This is the danger of couples socialising separately - all their fun times take place with other people and all the domestic drudgery takes place with each other.

Well, for the large numbers of us who live a long way from family members able and willing to babysit, and where little or no paid babysitting is available, the only alternative to taking it in turns to go out is never to go out at all. Certainly DH and I have both individually been in the position of going to an event alone, so I can easily imagine an entirely innocent situation where someone who thinks he's going to a gig alone asks a casual acquaintance whether she's free, and unexpectedly, she is, and they have a good time.

The OP and her husband appear to have honest dialogue. He was completely unfazed by her seeing her friend's husband.

Or was he? It’s not as if he can just command her “I don’t want you seeing other men” as that appears too controlling. In my view the “jokey messages” that OP often sends her over text or in person about other men she talks to, even at the checkouts, implies to me that he’s actually not altogether happy about it. Otherwise he wouldn’t say anything at all, would he?

entirely innocent situation where someone who thinks he's going to a gig alone asks a casual acquaintance whether she's free, and unexpectedly, she is, and they have a good time.

People don’t usually ask casual acquaintance to things like that, though, do they? Especially if it’s something they had already planned to go to. They would usually have already asked their good friend/s who they usually go with to these things

I find it very hard to believe that this man has arranged to go out on his own to a specific event and then oh, it just just so happened that it popped into his head while OP and him had coffee together that day. Nah, I’m not buying it at all.

that OP often sends her over text

That OP’s husband often sends her

I'm trying to imagine doing this with one of my friends DH's or my own husband doing it with one of my friends.

No.

Just, no.

I've got 4 close male friends from being in the armed forces for 10 years, there were often no females to be friends with on some units! I still see them and will go for a drink with them. DH also has male friends I get on well with and have met up with without him.
It never occured to me this was odd, genuinely.
I've never cheated on DH and have no intention of it! These friends are like brothers. So I think you're fine Op.
Friends are precious things in this world, real friends who make time for you. I only have a sacred few and it would upset me it lose them because they're male!

I've got 4 close male friends from being in the armed forces for 10 years, there were often no females to be friends with on some units! I still see them and will go for a drink with them. DH also has male friends I get on well with and have met up with without him.

There is no comparison between a long-standing friend you were in the Army with for 10 years, who you lived and worked with 24/7 and whom would understandably feel like a brother to you, and OP’s friend’s husband who she has only known through and since having toddler aged child.

That’s a whole WORLD of difference.

I could even understand it if it was an old uni friend or someone she went to school with and grew up with.

But this guy is new on the scene in comparison. You don’t know someone that well if they’re your friend’s spouse who you have only met through and been at events/places your 2/3 year old child has been at. I’m guessing the kids had health issues or something as she mentions the background being quite “intense”.

Anyway, all this is moot because OP will have seen her friend by now and hasn’t come back to update so can’t correct us about anything.

But, @MissChananderlerbong, that's a different situation. They were your friends anyway. This guy is the OP's friend's husband. You worked with those guys and knew you could trust them - they hadn't tried it on with you before so no reason to think they would now. @EssentialHummus isn't in the same situation at all.

@EssentialHummus so what was the outcome? Was your friend unphased by your extended evening with her DH? Had he told her about it all? The invite for coffee, then a gig, then drinks at yours?

I'm not a cool wife. I'd not be happy with DH doing this

Yeah, husband had told friend - she mentioned it to me before I had the chance, so no drama there. She also volunteered him to go out with me on the Saturday night (I’d explained that I was staying home for a quiet one and in any event had exhausted my supply of friends after a very sociable week), so she seems not to see things the same way as a lot of people on here. No, I didn’t take her up on it .

Instructive thread for a lot of reasons.

I'd be fine with my DH doing this with one of his good/longstanding female friends, but I think I'd feel a bit weird if it was someone who was a relatively distant friend (as this guy sounds to be). OTOH I have ended up drinking til late one on one with a male work-friend on more than one occasion, and it's always been entirely innocent.

That’s a bit strange ! Sorry 😐 it’s like a date
But maybe I am being old fashioned

I'm quite laid back with my DH but even I wouldnt feel comfortable with this.

And her volunteering he spends saturday night with you.. Is she trying to push him onto you?

Or are they both putting plans in place for a future threesome?

Or are they both putting plans in place for a future threesome?

It’s unlikely.

Dh has lovely female friends from university that pre date me I genuinely wouldnt bat an eyelid.

But this scenario with a friend through kids would feel abit odd. I can’t imagine it no one we know would do this would be weird sorry.

Gosh, @EssentialHummus, how annoying for certain posters that in fact there’s literally no drama here, just four people who are perfectly happy for two of them to attend an event together. No one’s boffing anyone, no one’s concealing information, no one’s railing over being left at home with the children.

I have a feeling people will be along shortly to tell you how self-deluded you’re being, though.

My DH meets my friend for coffee and play dates - not a problem. If they then went out for drinks together I would personally think it weird.

In addition I have male friends I would go out til 1am with (if I had any time) but this is very different to my friends’ husbands (even those I am friends with).

If you are all fine about it though, then happy days.

You've REALLY read the room wrong Pottery.

Essential It's good you've established boundaries with this particular girlfriend. It's always a good idea to check in with each girlfriends parameters regarding their relationships.

If there really is no drama and nothing to look at here, why did you post this in the first place, EssentialHummus? (I don't mean this in a hostile way - just in a 'what was the point, if there is nothing to discuss?' kind of way...)

Instructive thread for a lot of reasons.

Such as?

Cos of her mates reaction, as explained in op