To feel so upset over cake

[mamma536]

It's just cake but...

I just had a milestone birthday. DH usually goes to a lot of planning and trouble to make it special for me, but this year he is tired and stressed. I don't normally ask for anything but as it's a milestone I asked for something specific. But...he gave me nothing, no cake, not even a card because he said they were all too expensive (we are not skint) and he didn't even go to the effort of getting toddler to scribble something on a sheet of paper. That's fine, he has a lot going on, let's just forget it.

On the other hand my lovely colleagues at work bought me an expensive surprise chocolate cake, lit candles, sang happy birthday, took pictures, made lots of fuss. We ate half (I had a small piece) and they told me to take the other half home to share with DH. I got home, told DH about the cake and put it in the fridge.

Well when I got home the next day, looking forward to a piece, I found that DH HAD EATEN IT ALL. He didn't even leave me a tiny piece. He apologised and said in his head that he thought I had eaten half, so the other half was for him. 😥

I'm a little upset at the lack of effort from him, but mostly upset because he also took away something that my friends gave me that was supposed to be for me.

It's not really an AIBU. I know it's just cake. I just need to vent. 😥

Stop being so understanding. Lose your shit with him.

Wow. He can't even manage one toddler on his own enough to get his wife a card and make her a cake.

He sounds like a selfish loser.

I was bored at home being a SAHM when my kids were little but that didn't turn me into a spiteful cow.

I'm sorry this isn't right. It doesn't really matter how good he used to be, he's shit now.

I’m so sorry OP. Often I’m a bit eye rolly about adult birthday expectations for birthdays but you’ve not been U at all.

I definitely think there’s something more going on. Maybe depression, or maybe another woman has turned his head (I hope not this).

Do talk to him and make your feelings clear. Say you expect him to make it up to you soon, using his imagination to surprise you.

He sounds like he is depressed. The lack of motivation etc. Obviously I'm not a doctor so not qualified to diagnose but maybe get on a website that gives checklists and do one then do one with him. If he is depressed he needs to get help before he sinks deeper - and he needs to get his bloody act together and pay some attention to you.

I also agree with @BorsetshireBlueBalls it sounds like he's trying to drag you down because he's unhappy. He went out of his way to take the one thing you got for your birthday and he tried to lump you with the extra work of buying Christmas presents after you specifically told him you didn't want to do it. Super passive aggressive. He's miserable and he has no intention of doing anything to change that, instead he's trying to make you miserable too.

Whether or not it's his fault that he feels this way, he's doing nothing to fix it despite the harm he's causing you and your child. If he does respond to you being very direct with him then I'd try that - but if it's just a couple of weeks of being better before slipping back into arsehole territory that's unsustainable in a relationship, you can't spend your life having to pull him up all the time to get treated decently.

Sorry he crossed a line. We are talking about cake for gods sake. If someone ate my cake, they’d be in a whole lot of trouble.

I’m deadly serious op. Yanbu

I would be livid.

Seriously, it would take a lot for me to get over that.

It’s not just cake. It’s selfish arseholitis. Tell him to buy you a cake this weekend, you happen to think you’re worth one birthday cake and if he doesn’t then you don’t know why he’s here. Why would you want to be married to someone you didn’t think was worth a birthday cake?

You realise that in his eyes, you aren't worth £1.50? That's how much a card would have been. Less of you got one of those blank ones. That's how little he thinks of you.

If you're happy with that, then please see a counsellor. You deserve better.

To be honest it really does sound like he has depression.

If he is struggling with toddler this would be a contributing factor perhaps making him feel useless or like a failure as he isnt able to cope when other parents around him seem to be (hence not going to groups?)

over eating or being greedy can also be part of anxiety and depression.

It still doesn't excuse the overall behaviours necessarily. When my dad had depression he still managed to organise a present and card for my mum for birthdays and Christmas

I honestly think you may have done all you can for him op. Getting toddler into nursery would help but I think he would need professional help now.

Happy birthday OP
That's a horrible thing for DH to do but maybe hopefully fingers-crossed he's planned a lovely surprise for you this weekend? As a PP mentioned above? Since you said it's out-of-character for him. Wait till the weekend just in case 😊
And if not, then I would be concerned about his mental health

Uh, oh, massive alarm bells ringing here. It sounds to me that stealing the cake that your friends and colleagues gave you is an attack, by him, on the life you have away from him. He's jealous, envious, insecure, so he's taking you down a peg or two by ignoring your special day and spoiling your pleasure in the efforts that your friends made.

What BorsetshireBlueBalls said.

I’m another who usually eye rolls at adult birthday expectations, I’m of the mindset that 21 is the last you get to make a huge fuss/parade of, and after that a small gift/meal out should suffice.

But your DH’s behaviour is comically bad! He actually did make an effort...to make it worse for you! Which is quite horrible really and if my DH had done that I think I’d be slightly in shock - it’s just such strange behaviour I don’t know how to process it.

• Doesn’t buy a card/ cheap token gift
• ^Not even from toddler 🙄 (every woman on MN grumbles quietly to themselves)
• Doesn’t acknowledge birthday in any way
• Acts like a selfish prick when others make an effort and eats all your birthday cake!

It’s really rude behaviour and him not ‘realising’ and running out to buy you a replacement makes it even worse. He knows what he did and he doesn’t care 😡

Every birthday we end up with cake in the fridge. Its fine to help yourself to a piece, but if you’re taking the last bit and it’s not your own birthday cake you have to ask!! DH and I have also got an understanding in place about ‘standard’ portion sizes as he could polish off 1/2 a cake easily where as for me that would be easily 6-8 slices.

You need to talk with him properly OP, and explain to him how this has made you feel, as per the thread.

It’s little issues like this that can slowly multiply and build when they’re not addressed. If he can’t recognise that he’s hurt you, disappointed and upset you, you will find down the track when this type of thing happens again and again that by then all you want to do is end the relationship. And if you are already thinking about custody of your son to me that says things have not been great for some time as you’ve started looking down that path already.

I'm sorry did I miss that you work full time and are saddled with all the wifework too? He honestly needs to pull his finger out his arse and at least support you!

Wow, what a thoughtless jerk! I'd be really upset about the whole situation.

Well we only get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated so...

I’m wondering if he is depressed? Maybe a serious talk is needed about the whole situation as he could be making excuses due to feeling overwhelmed or depressed. Or he could be lazy and selfish. But either way it needs addressed.

@1forAll74

"I have had lots of milestone birthdays,and special events in my life, and not a piece of cake, or presents to be seen anywhere. It's not a problem, and don't understand why people get so uppity about these things,and also bang on about selfish husbands, not doing what you think they should do."
It is traditional and the norm to buy cards and gifts for birthdays and make extra special effort for milestone birthdays. You may not be bothered that no-one has ever made an effort for you but a lot of us would be. I'd be critical of a wife, parent, sibling or child who behaved in the same manner as the OP's husband.

OP, I'm wondering if your DH is more stressed than you are aware. If he normally makes an effort and hasn't for this special occasion, he may be quite depressed and in need of treatment for it.
I'd forgive the cake thing. He just wasn't thinking. That can be a funny story to tell your grandchildren one day. I'd still be upset by it though.

I agree with PPs that he sounds depressed. But IMO it isn't an excuse at all. I have MH issues (PTSD due to childhood SA and anxiety, as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and some days I barely have the strength to function beyond doing what's needed for our DDs. But I would never ignore my DH's birthday; our DDs love having a birthday tea to celebrate and it's a special family time.

It's never okay to actively take steps to make someone you supposedly love feel like shit, which is what the OP's DH did here.

I have had lots of milestone birthdays,and special events in my life, and not a piece of cake, or presents to be seen anywhere. It's not a problem, and don't understand why people get so uppity about these things,and also bang on about selfish husbands, not doing what you think they should do That's not the norm for them though. In my experience someone who loves you wants to make you feel special. There have been times when my partner and I have been too skint to buy presents but we would write a nice message in a card and get the kids to draw a picture or similar. I'd be really sad if, like you, I had a partner who didn't care about me enough to find some loose change for a card. Card factory do cards for 29p ffs!

Funny how everyone I have ever known to have depression has never had a vindictive or cruel streak as a symptom. It's bullocks imo and the women letting off this man need to look at their own situations if they think being shitty to your spouse because you have depression is okay.

Also, I've been severly depressed before with ptsd but that doesn't make you eat half of a whole birthday cake that isn't even yours..

OP I've a thread on the relationships board at the moment and some posters said my partner may be depressed. However, the majority said it wouldn't make him be unkind/abusive etc.

I have had lots of milestone birthdays,and special events in my life, and not a piece of cake, or presents to be seen anywhere. It's not a problem, and don't understand why people get so uppity about these things,and also bang on about selfish husbands, not doing what you think they should do.

I take it you never buy birthday presents for anyone or if you do, you don’t take any of their wishes into consideration? That’s a very selfish attitude.

Op, if he's so severely depressed should he be looking after a child?

Or is maybe depression an excuse for his poor behaviour? For both of you?

Also do you have issues with food? Why would he assume you'd eaten half the cake to yourself. Is this something you'd normally do? Buy a large cake, and split it fifty fifty?

Or is this also just an excuse he's making and he knows full well you'd never sit and eat half your birthday cake on your own and gift him the other half?

Because I'm suspecting he didn't even get you a card to punish you, he decided you didn't deserve it, and he ate all your cake, not because he genuinely felt you'd eaten the other half, and this was his half, but because he decided you didn't deserve that either. He deserves it so he had it, along with a big helping of fuck you.