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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset over cake

229 replies

mamma536 · 28/11/2019 13:38

It's just cake but...

I just had a milestone birthday. DH usually goes to a lot of planning and trouble to make it special for me, but this year he is tired and stressed. I don't normally ask for anything but as it's a milestone I asked for something specific. But...he gave me nothing, no cake, not even a card because he said they were all too expensive (we are not skint) and he didn't even go to the effort of getting toddler to scribble something on a sheet of paper. That's fine, he has a lot going on, let's just forget it.

On the other hand my lovely colleagues at work bought me an expensive surprise chocolate cake, lit candles, sang happy birthday, took pictures, made lots of fuss. We ate half (I had a small piece) and they told me to take the other half home to share with DH. I got home, told DH about the cake and put it in the fridge.

Well when I got home the next day, looking forward to a piece, I found that DH HAD EATEN IT ALL. He didn't even leave me a tiny piece. He apologised and said in his head that he thought I had eaten half, so the other half was for him. 😥

I'm a little upset at the lack of effort from him, but mostly upset because he also took away something that my friends gave me that was supposed to be for me.

It's not really an AIBU. I know it's just cake. I just need to vent. 😥

OP posts:
poorstudent1010 · 28/11/2019 16:15

Thinking about it, he just wasn’t thinking about you at all.

Imagine if instead of eating the rest of the cake, he even just left a bit and put candles in so you could have a token mini birthday celebration together? He wouldn’t have had to spend money (because apparently he couldn’t afford a cake) or even leave the house, but it would have been a thoughtful gesture.

BorsetshireBlueBalls · 28/11/2019 16:16

Uh, oh, massive alarm bells ringing here. It sounds to me that stealing the cake that your friends and colleagues gave you is an attack, by him, on the life you have away from him. He's jealous, envious, insecure, so he's taking you down a peg or two by ignoring your special day and spoiling your pleasure in the efforts that your friends made. Does he try and separate you from your friends? Does he undermine you - ring you at work, try and get you to do silly errands, leave messages with your colleagues that belittle you? Do you find you still have a lot of domestic heavy lifting to deal with, despite the fact that he's not working?

There's a very good book called How to hold a grudge, can't remember the author, but you can google it. It has good advice on how to deal with the fact that the world is full of people who will make it their business to harm you, and what to do when these cross your path. If you happen to be married to one of these people, you need to understand your situation and work out how to manage it. Clue: 'forgiving' and 'moving on' is not the answer. Good luck!

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/11/2019 16:25

"I know it's just cake."
It really isn't. It's representative of your relationship.

"He used to be so thoughtful and sweet but he has had a tough year out of work - he's bored, directionless, stressed, lonely. I'm trying to be supportive but as I work there's only so much I can do in the day."
What? When you said "this year he is tired and stressed" in your OP I assumed (wrongly) that this was due to long hours and work pressure - but now it turns out it's quite the opposite? Fuuuuck! Shock

There is a saying , "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I would suggest that you have been supportive over and over again. I'm guessing you keep telling yourself that you've not been supportive enough - do you think it's time to consider that you should stop being supportive, and approach this a different way, if you want a different result from his continued boredom and directionlessness?

So, I would suggest that it's kick-up-the-arse time. It's time for him to accept that he needs help, and he has to go out and get that help. He may have fallen into depression, in which case he needs to start with his GP. Or booing an appointment with an independent counsellor. He needs to address his own behaviour here. And you need to stop being softly supportive and start being harshly supportive - insisting he take action, not accepting excuses, and definitely no accepting shit behaviour from him - of which your birthday is a prime example.

pictish · 28/11/2019 16:25

Can’t believe he ate all the cake!

Is there any way he did misinterpret what you said about it to imply the cake was for him?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/11/2019 16:26

booKing, bot booing

Awaywiththepiskies · 28/11/2019 16:33

I know it's just cake

YANBU. It's more than cake. He didn't think about you once and acted selfishly.

And you spend most of your post excusing him. Actions are important, and he's really cocked up. Flowers

Howlovely · 28/11/2019 16:38

The more I think about this the crosser I'm getting on OP's behalf. The entitlement of him! He honestly thought that, after doing absolutely shit all for your birthday, that he deserved half (all) of your birthday cake? Just who the fuck does he think he is, seriously?!

SeaToSki · 28/11/2019 16:40

Please tell me that if he is out of work, he is taking on the lions share of the load at home.. and that is what he is so busy with that he forgot to get you anything, forgot to acknowledge how he loves you (I hope) forgot to ask before eating your cake and forgot to stop eating your cake when he had scarfed a one person serving.

Ghostoast · 28/11/2019 16:42

He sounds like a lazy (not working) greedy bastard. Can you imagine eating half a cake. I hope he shits his pants.

Awaywiththepiskies · 28/11/2019 16:42

I justread your 2nd post. So you have a toddler - you're working full-time, he's out of work - but he's the one who is stressed?

Un-Be-liev-able

He really needs to get a grip and step up to grown up world.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/11/2019 16:42

HE ATE ALL THE CAKE !!!!! That plus no card and no present. How mean and self centred. I would be having a serious talk with him as to why.

Lindy2 · 28/11/2019 16:48

Happy birthday OP.

I think your husband has behaved appallingly. I would be having a pretty Frank discussion with him about how you both see your relationship right now.

It's not just cake or gifts, it's a complete disregard of your feelings.

tabulahrasa · 28/11/2019 16:50

“as finances are joint when married”

Yes except, they’re still her wages that he decided she wasn’t worth spending pennies on for a card...

Besides, bet you a tenner he isn’t parenting their toddler while she’s at work either.

ginghamtablecloths · 28/11/2019 16:52

Well, LTB obviously.

kateandme · 28/11/2019 16:52

for exampl of having no money.like nothing for extra.
cards were made on pieces of loo roll.
an old t-hirt tha thad too mny holes in now to ear was cut into flowers.
then cereal was put on the work top spelling happy birthday.hearts were cut out of the toast.
a walk in to the park there was leaves speling i love you.
and then apphabet spaghettie for tea spelt happy birthday.
then their choice of what was on tv for a whole night.
she loved it.and never felt more treasured even though they had nothing

if this is how little this man can do.he is very very ill.and needs help

pictish · 28/11/2019 16:58

“It sounds to me that stealing the cake that your friends and colleagues gave you is an attack, by him, on the life you have away from him. He's jealous, envious, insecure, so he's taking you down a peg or two by ignoring your special day and spoiling your pleasure in the efforts that your friends made.”

Wow...you can ascertain all of that from knowing someone out of work ate a cake?
Amazing!

I suspect he misinterpreted what OP said about the left over cake and I’m not about to stamp him into the ground simply because he hasn’t got a job. AIBU?

dappledsunshine · 28/11/2019 16:58

What a horrible selfish man.

It doesn't have to take much time and effort to make someone feel special.

Iminthewrongstory · 28/11/2019 17:00

I had a sweet colleague who broke down in tears at work because her husband had done something similar.

They are no longer together.

Mamasaurus82 · 28/11/2019 17:10

I'd be so annoyed! What a shit thing to do. He needs to make it up to you. X

Mamasaurus82 · 28/11/2019 17:11
Cake
Havaina · 28/11/2019 17:14

I agree with @BorsetshireBlueBalls

whatashower · 28/11/2019 17:24

Is there no chance that he has organised a fab surprise for you at the weekend? It does sound like he is over-egging the zero effort, 'useless heartless husband' behaviour. Just a thought to bear in mind, you might want to defer smothering him to death with cake saying how you feel about this until Monday.....

Tinkobell · 28/11/2019 17:24

That's fine, he has a lot going on, let's just forget it
What's been going on in his life OP......can you share?

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 28/11/2019 17:26

If he's out of work he could have made you a bloody cake! Done a handmade card. What an total arse.

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 28/11/2019 17:27

I am lucky that when I was in the depths of despair, with a baby and no job and my self-esteem in bits my DP persuaded me to go to the GP. (Initially I wouldn't as I thought I just needed to get my act together and be a better person). When I was unable to make a decision as to what to have for tea and could barely drag myself out of bed and forgot to buy milk and couldn't face going out - he helped me to get better.

We spilt up eventually - many years and more children later = but he understood about depression. And when he was made redundant at 55 - and couldn't get another job and felt like a failure - I supported him.

Your DP might be an arse or he might be depressed. We don't know - but you might.