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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so upset over cake

229 replies

mamma536 · 28/11/2019 13:38

It's just cake but...

I just had a milestone birthday. DH usually goes to a lot of planning and trouble to make it special for me, but this year he is tired and stressed. I don't normally ask for anything but as it's a milestone I asked for something specific. But...he gave me nothing, no cake, not even a card because he said they were all too expensive (we are not skint) and he didn't even go to the effort of getting toddler to scribble something on a sheet of paper. That's fine, he has a lot going on, let's just forget it.

On the other hand my lovely colleagues at work bought me an expensive surprise chocolate cake, lit candles, sang happy birthday, took pictures, made lots of fuss. We ate half (I had a small piece) and they told me to take the other half home to share with DH. I got home, told DH about the cake and put it in the fridge.

Well when I got home the next day, looking forward to a piece, I found that DH HAD EATEN IT ALL. He didn't even leave me a tiny piece. He apologised and said in his head that he thought I had eaten half, so the other half was for him. 😥

I'm a little upset at the lack of effort from him, but mostly upset because he also took away something that my friends gave me that was supposed to be for me.

It's not really an AIBU. I know it's just cake. I just need to vent. 😥

OP posts:

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 28/11/2019 15:31

So he is tired from NOT working, err ok, that totally explains why he didn't get you even a card let alone the present you specifically asked for. Still at least the poor darling had time to scarf all your birthday cake.
I think some serious talking is called for here. If procrastination is the only reason he has been out of work for a year, then he needs a kick up the bum.

Clymene · 28/11/2019 15:31

He's either properly depressed or he's resentful that you have a life and he doesn't. A year out of work?! That's a long time without a job

Kit19 · 28/11/2019 15:33

I never cease to be amazed at how much men think they deserve to be let off being a decent human being because wah wah wah they’re tired & stressed!! Do they not think their DW/DP isn’t tired & stressed as well? That they’d like to make no effort because they’re bloody knackered with work & kids & propping up DH/DP because they’re being a manbaby?

OP thete is no excuse for this level of thoughtlessness & he needs a massive boot up the arse!

burritofan · 28/11/2019 15:34

I'm sorry he's out of work, stressed and lonely. But that doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you. I disagree that this was thoughtless. A lot of thought went into hurting you.

YANBU to be hugely upset; it's not just cake, it's the meanness and lack of generosity of spirit.

Take some of your money and treat yourself to whatever makes you feel lovely; have a wonderful lunch with the toddler; send yourself flowers; eat an entire cake if you want to. 💐

TiceCream · 28/11/2019 15:35

He’s a greedy fuck. Who eats the rest of someone else’s cake and leaves none? Who eats half a cake in one sitting anyway? And there’s no reason he couldn’t buy a 50p card other than sheer laziness and disinterest. He need to replace the cake and give himself a shake because his behaviour is unacceptable. Get him NOTHING for his birthday.

ChickenyChick · 28/11/2019 15:40

he does not care that much for you, and is selfish

you are being too kind/forgiving

He should make up for it, get you a cake and try/pretend that for the sake of YOU he can smile for 1 minute, and make a tiny effort

Derbee · 28/11/2019 15:40

It’s not about cake. It’s about having a DH that isn’t demonstrating that he loves or cares about you. He sounds like a dick.

Disagree with @tabulahrasa saying So it’s your money he couldn’t be arsed buying a card from as well? as finances are joint when married.

rosydreams · 28/11/2019 15:40

wow if he cant be arsed he could have ordered some crappy birthday stuff from asda online delivery or some other supermarket.It would have taken no effort nor money

and top of that no apology and insult to boot by eating your birthday treat.

pick a early evening this week go out to dinner with your little one.Tell him as your going out the door i am eating out as my birthday treat bye.Let him stew for a evening with no dinner.

Have something fun to eat with your little one and put them to bed strait after.Its not the birthday you wanted but it will let him stew for a evening and hopefully think about what a ar se hes been.

Then talk to him you decide were to go next

Howlovely · 28/11/2019 15:43

This is awful. Not only did he not get you anything he actually took from you on your birthday. What kind of a person is this thoughtless? He literally is only thinking of himself and that is horrid. He needs to bloody well cancel this little pity party he's having for himself and realise he is part of a family and if he wants to opt out then he can fuck off permanently. I'm so sorry he's been such a hurtful shit. You deserve better.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 28/11/2019 15:44

Thing is a good relationship takes work!

I get he’s been out of work a long time and yes that would of dented his confidence but that doesn’t mean his relationship doesn’t need to be worked on.

Ok so maybe he didn’t want to spend a lot of money, fine but buying a birthday cake (£10 sainsburys) or making a Victoria sponge or cupcakes with the toddler
a £5 bunch of flowers for said toddler to give you
A card scribbled on by your child
He could even of cooked dinner that evening ( even the Spag Bol. Chilli you would normally have) and put a candle on the table

All cheap options that show he cares and loves you enough to make an effort. Yet he decided not to because he can’t be bothered- His lazy pure and simple.

This isn’t about what he didn’t get you, or even him eating your cake it’s about the lack of effort he has made.

Lweji · 28/11/2019 15:44

What has he done to get a job?
Sometimes people need some tough love and a kick up their bums.

Brefugee · 28/11/2019 15:54

tell him. In the words you used here.
Tell him he's a greedy fucker and he doesn't deserve you.
Then if you really think he's stressed tell him to get himself the fuck down to the GP and that you aren't going to lift a finger to do anything for him until he does.
I'm not unsympathetic but bloody hell

KurriKurri · 28/11/2019 15:56

Odd how someone too tired and stressed to get a card, managed to summon up the energy to keep going back for slice after slice of a cake until he had eaten it all.

Being tired and stressed doesn't stop you making any effort and neither does being short of cash - even if it is just a home made card (cost zero) a walk in the woods/ on the beach if you are near (cost zero)making a cake (low cost).

I've been tired and stressed all year, and had an illness that has made me exhausted at times, I am also low income - I've still managed to give gifts and cards and made an effort for family birthdays.

You need to tell him it isn't acceptable - OK - no effort to get a card or cake you had kind of accepted - that comes under 'lack of action' whereas scoffing all your cake (your gift from your friends) is a positive act of meanness towards you. And that's why you are so hurt, not only did he basically ignore your birthday, he stamped all over the effort your friends had made. As if he gets to decide that no one is to celebrate your birthday or make a fuss of you.

20viona · 28/11/2019 15:57

He's a greedy selfish git.

Clymene · 28/11/2019 15:58

Why is he tired if he hasn't got a job? Is he looking after young children or something?

He just sounds like a bit of a selfish dick to me to be honest

poorstudent1010 · 28/11/2019 15:58

So rude and so disrespectful.

It’s just an excuse that the thought you ate the other half yourself - Come on. He knew that your colleagues surprised you with it as you told him, so it would be logical to assume that your colleagues had some during the surprise celebrations. No one blows out the candles on their cake in a group setting, then proceeds to eat half of the cake all by themselves do they?

You should buy yourself the gift that you wanted.

He also needs a kick up the backside. He might be a bit depressed/down, but he’s had a year of recovering and to make steps to get back on his feet but instead he’s having a pity party.

TheMamaYo · 28/11/2019 16:02

No, no, no. This is not ok, OP. You need to talk to him and let him know that this was very hurtful. If he is severely depressed, as suggested, it won't help either of you to skirt around the issue. You need to talk about it. He either needs to step up and treat you with a bit more thought or seek support.

I'm sorry the day was not all it could be. Happy belated birthday to you.

Midge75 · 28/11/2019 16:03

Presents aren't really my thing but even I would be upset over this. It's about how it's made you feel. Anything - a bunch of daisies from the lawn - would have been better than giving nothing - and then taking what little you had been given. He needs to know how it's made you feel

poorstudent1010 · 28/11/2019 16:03

If he is actually depressed, it’s time for him to see his GP.

He has been trying self-help for a year and it clearly hasn’t worked if he’s more stressed/upset than ever. He needs a professional.

BarbedBloom · 28/11/2019 16:04

It is the lack of care and effort that has upset you. I know MN often says adults who care about birthdays are silly, but to some people even a hand drawn card on a piece of paper is something. I have been utterly broke, counting out pennies for milk and still practiced drawing for a month so I could make my boyfriend of the time a card.

I would be annoyed at both the lack of effort and the sheer selfishness he displayed when he ate all of the cake. Both just really represent a lack of thought about how you might feel. I don't think people should pretend everything is fine, it doesn't have to be screaming or shouting, but it is fine to calmly express disappointment in a situation like this.

ShakeShakeShake6791 · 28/11/2019 16:05

What a selfish prick. I’d be losing my shit over this OP, totally unacceptable. And he doesn’t even have a fucking job!

My DH works literally every waking moment at the moment, 16 hours plus a day. To say he’s stressed and has a lot going on is an understatement. For my recent non-milestone birthday he booked the day off, arranged a bunch of activities, bought me flowers, cake and card. That your husband hasn’t done anything is seriously not ok, I would be raging at him to get off his arse or get out.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 28/11/2019 16:09

Sometimes I despair, really I do - why do so many women value themselves so low? Why do they think they are worth so little? I am no princess, but I wouldn’t put up with this, I really wouldn’t. OP, I suggest you reevaluate your relationship, you would be better on your own than being treated like this. And another thing, there are many decent men out there, give yourself the chance to meet one!

1forAll74 · 28/11/2019 16:10

I have had lots of milestone birthdays,and special events in my life, and not a piece of cake, or presents to be seen anywhere. It's not a problem, and don't understand why people get so uppity about these things,and also bang on about selfish husbands, not doing what you think they should do.

Nanny0gg · 28/11/2019 16:11

So he couldn't even cook you a nice meal?

Would the card and present come out of your earnings btw?

ShakeShakeShake6791 · 28/11/2019 16:14

1forAll Just because you have low standards doesn’t mean the rest of us have to.

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