To feel so upset over cake

[mamma536]

It's just cake but...

I just had a milestone birthday. DH usually goes to a lot of planning and trouble to make it special for me, but this year he is tired and stressed. I don't normally ask for anything but as it's a milestone I asked for something specific. But...he gave me nothing, no cake, not even a card because he said they were all too expensive (we are not skint) and he didn't even go to the effort of getting toddler to scribble something on a sheet of paper. That's fine, he has a lot going on, let's just forget it.

On the other hand my lovely colleagues at work bought me an expensive surprise chocolate cake, lit candles, sang happy birthday, took pictures, made lots of fuss. We ate half (I had a small piece) and they told me to take the other half home to share with DH. I got home, told DH about the cake and put it in the fridge.

Well when I got home the next day, looking forward to a piece, I found that DH HAD EATEN IT ALL. He didn't even leave me a tiny piece. He apologised and said in his head that he thought I had eaten half, so the other half was for him. 😥

I'm a little upset at the lack of effort from him, but mostly upset because he also took away something that my friends gave me that was supposed to be for me.

It's not really an AIBU. I know it's just cake. I just need to vent. 😥

What do you get out of the relationship other than him being the father of your child?

Yes I've been thinking about that a lot this year.

my*

Call me harsh but I don't think it's acceptable for one person to decide to be a sahp without the full agreement of the other and I would cut his money off and put my child in nursery.

We can't afford nursery on a single salary. I'm in favour of nursery part time - I think it would be good for toddler and give DH some space to breathe and find work. But DH says financially it doesn't make sense.

But yes the thought of losing full custody of DS because I am not the primary care giver anymore did occur to me.

You need to get your child into a nursery and he needs to do something out of the house, even if it’s voluntary work for now. You will lose your baby to him in a custody battle if you leave him now. He sounds like he’s just playing at being a stay at home dad, rather than looking after the child properly. If it is purely his mental health and he isn’t just a selfish prick, then getting him to do something outside the home might help him.

But DH says financially it doesn't make sense.

Well he would, wouldn’t he! It currently suits him to stay at home and he doesn’t want you to disturb his comfort.

I do hope that troughing half of a rich chocolate cake all by himself gave him massive indigestion.

But yes the thought of losing full custody of DS because I am not the primary care giver anymore did occur to me.

My ex was nominally the primary carer for DS2, but when it came to the Child Arrangement order we started with 60:40 (in my favour) and now he lives with me full time.

I enabled ex to be mostly SAH. As a lone parent I am more than able to care for my son (I use childcare), whereas ex was completely unable to manage both work and childcare.

Don't let your childcare situation deter you from leaving the relationship.

DH was genuinely doing a fabulous job as a SAHD for the first six months. He cooked ask the meals for him, took him all over town to a variety of baby classes and first schools and walks in the countryside. He did a better job than I did during maternity leave. But it all changed when we moved and the toddler tantrums started.

I'm genuinely puzzled at why DH won't look for a job if he's not happy at home. He misses the company of his colleagues, he misses doing intellectually stimulating work. I brought home a problem I had from work a few days ago, and he almost took over, he was so desperate to do something different. He's too tired/busy to job hunt but when I come home to take over with DS
he still finds time for games, Netflix and stupid YouTube videos 🙄.

In any case we both agree DS has to start nursery in 6 months, so it'll happen sooner or later.

*forest schools

Get legal advice OP. And find a way to get your DC into childcare.

Toddlers are hard work which is one of the reasons they go to nursery - they need that extra stimulation and 1-2-1 24/7 just leads to whiney frustration IME.

Will your marriage survive another 6 months at this rate? He sounds really resentful while equally not wanting to work.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really shit.

And happy birthday.

Great post, @WhereYouLeftIt.

Oh OP Yet another waste of space husband. I've nothing to add really to all the wise advice above except to say stop enabling him with regards to presents for his family. He's never going to do it if you continue to do it for him.
I'm guessing it was your 30th or 40th. Do you want to spend the next 40/50 years living like this? That's the question I asked myself when things got to a similar point in my marriage. The answer was a resounding no. I'm a single mum of and divorce has been such a liberating blessing. You deserve so much better and so does your child
Happy birthday from me

Gosh he's a selfish arse. He's not being a particularly good SAHD. He's not looking for work. He won't put DC in nursery and he ignored your milestone birthday. None of that is acceptable. He needs a boot up the backside. Again. If it helps, tell yourself it's for his benefit. But he needs to commit to doing at least one thing in his life well whether that's being a SAHD for the next six months or job hunting.

In the meantime, buy yourself one of the lovely cakes. Invite a few friends or family round and drink wine and eat cake. Oh, and when they ask, tell them you bought your own cake. He may be less inclined to be a tosser if he realises you're not the only person aware of it.

Why are you with this walking turd?!! I can't believe he could treat you like that when he's supposed to love you. Happy belated birthday!

Go and buy yourself your fave cake (Mine would be carrot cake or cherry cheesecake or BOTH)

Save some for your little person.

Get yourself some "you" time somehow, a day on your own in a happy space, your favourite room. Have a good hard think about what you want your future to be like. Make a plan. Even the first step towards it will feel good. I wallowed, stuck in a rut with an absolute waster for 10 years and bang went my 20's and now I'm stuck, under qualified and skint with two boys at Xmas, no friends, all alone. Starting from scratch with my GCSEs. Don't be like me. You deserve a lot better than someone treating you like that.

Why isn't he sorting out presents for his family? If you were the SAHP I bet he wouldn't be buying your family's gifts?

He got you duck all yet ate half your cake, thinking you’d had the other half so it was ‘his’?! FML! Does he understand that your colleagues ate some and that you’re meant to share and get your wife a decent bloody gift and card Wanker.

How long ago did you move? You say that's when the toddler tantrums started. We moved house when my oldest was just under 3 (he was our only child at the time). He was very unhappy for a long time... kept asking "when are we going home? I want to go home" so many times throughout the day, for weeks. To this day, 16 years later, I still tear up when I think back to those days and how anxious and stressed he was.

Not sure what my point is wrt your birthday issues (I feel the same as the majority of posters here), but I just wanted to reach out and give your little one a big hug.

Happy birthday ... definitely go buy yourself one of those cakes (and absolutely do not share it)!

Please do buy yourself a cake from that lovely bakery. It's the least you deserve considering he had more of your only cake than you did - you had to share "your half" and he scoffed all of the rest!

You seriously need to talk to him about how unappreciated you are feeling.

The cake is a lie.

It's not about cake.

He is telling you loud and clear that he wants out. I am really sorry. Make some plans,

This broke my heart a little bit. I'm sorry.

Selfish shit!