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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset over cake

229 replies

mamma536 · 28/11/2019 13:38

It's just cake but...

I just had a milestone birthday. DH usually goes to a lot of planning and trouble to make it special for me, but this year he is tired and stressed. I don't normally ask for anything but as it's a milestone I asked for something specific. But...he gave me nothing, no cake, not even a card because he said they were all too expensive (we are not skint) and he didn't even go to the effort of getting toddler to scribble something on a sheet of paper. That's fine, he has a lot going on, let's just forget it.

On the other hand my lovely colleagues at work bought me an expensive surprise chocolate cake, lit candles, sang happy birthday, took pictures, made lots of fuss. We ate half (I had a small piece) and they told me to take the other half home to share with DH. I got home, told DH about the cake and put it in the fridge.

Well when I got home the next day, looking forward to a piece, I found that DH HAD EATEN IT ALL. He didn't even leave me a tiny piece. He apologised and said in his head that he thought I had eaten half, so the other half was for him. 😥

I'm a little upset at the lack of effort from him, but mostly upset because he also took away something that my friends gave me that was supposed to be for me.

It's not really an AIBU. I know it's just cake. I just need to vent. 😥

OP posts:
Aderyn19 · 28/11/2019 17:28

I've only read your posts so far, not everyone else's so this may have been asked, but is it possible he's had his head turned by someone? I ask because whenever I've heard of a man changing from loving behaviour to making no effort for his wife, it's when he's started thinking about another woman.

kateandme · 28/11/2019 17:30

AgeShallNotWitherHer brilliant post.hope your ok now.xx

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 28/11/2019 17:37

Thank you kateandme - I am ok - and so is (now Ex-DP) but we both had some tough times.

Original poster
mamma536 · 28/11/2019 17:37

Sorry for the drip feed - yes he is a SAHD. Our toddler is pretty challenging so I'm not surprised he's exhausted. This is his choice though - he won't consider childcare until toddler is older and hasn't even tried to look for another job, but he's clearly not happy now either. I've sought advice here about him before (under a different name) and gently suggested counselling but he won't hear of it.

He's spoilt me with home made cakes and heartfelt cards since we have been together, until this year. I don't think he's being deliberately cruel He probably thought he would make something rather than buy it but didn't leave himself any time to organise it - this is always what he does, it's who he is unfortunately. But we have moved near a bakery next to our supermarket that sells small beautiful cakes that I love to look at and I told him a couple months ago I would love one for my birthday, so I'm quite hurt that he didn't make that marginal effort either. (I'm thinking now I should go and buy one for myself.)

Also he's a bit like a toddler - I can try to discipline him by ignoring him at his next birthday but he won't connect the dots.

I will talk to him later though.

OP posts:
chocolateisavegetable · 28/11/2019 17:38

He's a twatwaffle

Original poster
mamma536 · 28/11/2019 17:38

Ironically the day before my birthday, I had been browsing Christmas presents for the in-laws. Typically I'm the one who has to initiate this every year. Struggling for ideas, I suggest that maybe we don't do presents for the adults this year because I know they're not bothered about presents (they told me so) and they find it all a bit silly. We can all take the stress out of Christmas present-buying and focus the kids instead. DH is non-committal but he's not interested in helping me browse either. Coincidentally his mum calls within the hour to talk about Christmas, and she has exactly the same suggestion. Annoyingly DH actually argues that we should keep doing presents for each other, and that presents are nice!! After some back and forth arguing with her (and me in the background furiously whispering FGS say yes!) he agrees that we will all just buy for our toddler.

So as you can see I am pretty annoyed that he has no problem with the idea of presents, will insist on them to his family, but he is incapable of going to the effort of actually buying them himself and on time.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 28/11/2019 17:38

Just a word to the opposite but if his stress is real and perhaps more than the OP realises (men like to hide stress), he may be too paralysed to the point where even small things seem too hard.

The small thing of shovelling half of OP’s cake down his greedy gob wasn’t too hard though was it? ☹️

AllStarBySmashMouth · 28/11/2019 17:40

No no YANBU and your DP will be buying you a cake.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/11/2019 17:40

mamma536 I’ve suffered from suicidal depression, but I still wouldn’t have treated my husband like that. He may have depression, but he’s also a selfish arsehole.

For comparison, when my husband way terminally ill in hospice he sent our boys out to buy a birthday present for me. I neither wanted or needed a present, because he was all that mattered, but he wanted to do this for me. He even apologised because he was dying so close to my birthday.

I’m afraid that your husband lost any and all sympathy from me at the selfishness of eating your cake. And you know what? Even if you had eaten half of it, it was YOUR cake and he should have been mannerly enough to leave you some.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/11/2019 17:42

Oh dear, OP, did his attitude towards you change once you had the baby?

Aderyn19 · 28/11/2019 17:43

Call me harsh but I don't think it's acceptable for one person to decide to be a sahp without the full agreement of the other and I would cut his money off and put my child in nursery. You don't want to be in a position down the line where you leave him and he gets full custody of your child because he's the primary carer and you end up paying him maintenance.
He should not be allowed to dictate what will and will not happen wrt childcare, and force you into paying for it.
You need to force change here - he needs to do to the doctor if he's genuinely ill and get back to work.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/11/2019 17:43

My stbxh used to do stuff like that. It was far from thoughtless.

Noseynails · 28/11/2019 17:44

LTB

TheOrigFV45 · 28/11/2019 17:46

Our Mum was in her last days, in hospital, end of life care. We were all there, mostly in the family room. A very, very hard 5 days. During that period both my brother and sister had their Birthdays.
Of course no one wanted to celebrate, but we did want to acknowledge the day. We got a card from the hospital shop and a couple of Freddos (which melted near a radiator).

That's what people who care about each other do, even in the midst of one of worst times of our lives.

Original poster
mamma536 · 28/11/2019 17:47

@AgeShallNotWitherHer thanks for sharing. I'm really not certain sometimes. DS still finds time for jokes and fun. I do think he's paralysed with the choices or lack of choices he has. He won't even try to look for a job. I have considered that the only motivation he might have would be if I left him and he would be forced to find one.

I actually gave him a kick up the arse a few weeks ago. His stress was making him a little bit meaner and less patient with me unnecessarily. It became too much at one point and I told him I could not be with someone who spoke to me like that. And that was enough of a kick, he stopped being so awful.

So yes I need to speak to him again.

OP posts:
icannotremember · 28/11/2019 17:48

Your DH sounds very selfish.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/11/2019 17:48

Yip. My stbxh was an expert at sabotaging celebrations. I bet you this is just the start. I don't believe it's an accident. Sorry.

Iamdobby63 · 28/11/2019 17:49

How have you not said anything to him? I would be furious to be ignored like that. It doesn’t take much effort to get a card or two and do some small gesture. To do nothing would make me feel like I just wasn’t important.

What’s he like as a SAHD?

JuneSpoon · 28/11/2019 17:49

I knew from the title this was going to be about a wife whose husband made zero effort for her birthday. Not even a cake. I've seen these threads before. That he went that extra step further and ate all your cake from work was a new low.

And he has the bloody cheek to want you to organize everyone's Christmas presents because "presents are nice" ?! A Master touch in being an asshole either deliberately or through thoughtlessness .... who knows. It certainly sucks, OP. Sorry Cake

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/11/2019 17:51

IMO, the fact that he is a SAHD to one has fuck all to do with his lack of effort. I’m sure there are many, many SAHMs on here looking after more than just one small child, who manage to buy their DH/DPs birthday presents and cards.

An as for him not wanting to outsource childcare, I wonder if he’d be as reluctant if OP was the SAHP? I think he’s using this as an excuse to not get off his sorry arse and find a job.

Original poster
mamma536 · 28/11/2019 17:52

@42T0tallyFuckedUpFamily no the opposite in fact, after the baby arrived I was tired and short tempered, but he was unbelievably patient and understanding, and just tried to get me everything I wanted or needed to make me happy. He bought all of my favourite foods before I knew I wanted them. I don't think I really felt myself again until I went back to work. So I feel I owe him some measure of patience as he's been going through the same thing, but it's different and more challenging with a difficult toddler.

OP posts:
Clymene · 28/11/2019 17:56

So a few weeks ago he was being mean and impatient and now he's being spiteful and mean.

You're not making him sound great tbh. What do you get out of the relationship other than him being the father of your child?

plightofthealbatross · 28/11/2019 17:56

I think you do need to talk to him and tell him his treatment of you, the utter lack of thought, care or love on your birthday, and to top it off to eat the one gift that someone else actually managed to celebrated your day with, is absolutely unacceptable and things need to change.

Original poster
mamma536 · 28/11/2019 17:58

He's a doing ok as SAHD. I've complained about him a lot, but he is really making the effort with our toddler. I think he's struggling to get any veg in him, or getting his naps in on time, and he lets him watch too much TV so DH can have a breather. Usual stuff I guess. It was easier where we used to live. With our new home, everything is just harder, adding to the stress.

OP posts:
BringMeAGinandTonic · 28/11/2019 17:59

Are you married to me ex fiance? He did this shit and it bugged me.

He should go make up for it somehow. Him eating your cake and not getting you anything is, well, the icing on the cake.