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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset over cake

229 replies

mamma536 · 28/11/2019 13:38

It's just cake but...

I just had a milestone birthday. DH usually goes to a lot of planning and trouble to make it special for me, but this year he is tired and stressed. I don't normally ask for anything but as it's a milestone I asked for something specific. But...he gave me nothing, no cake, not even a card because he said they were all too expensive (we are not skint) and he didn't even go to the effort of getting toddler to scribble something on a sheet of paper. That's fine, he has a lot going on, let's just forget it.

On the other hand my lovely colleagues at work bought me an expensive surprise chocolate cake, lit candles, sang happy birthday, took pictures, made lots of fuss. We ate half (I had a small piece) and they told me to take the other half home to share with DH. I got home, told DH about the cake and put it in the fridge.

Well when I got home the next day, looking forward to a piece, I found that DH HAD EATEN IT ALL. He didn't even leave me a tiny piece. He apologised and said in his head that he thought I had eaten half, so the other half was for him. 😥

I'm a little upset at the lack of effort from him, but mostly upset because he also took away something that my friends gave me that was supposed to be for me.

It's not really an AIBU. I know it's just cake. I just need to vent. 😥

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/11/2019 14:54

In your original post you said he has a lot going on

But he's not even working? And he STILL couldn't find the time to buy you a card?

Stop minimising this and stop making excuses for him. That is utterly shit.

Rojelio · 28/11/2019 14:57

Op would you ever treat him this way, would you be totally fine leaving him with nothing for a milestone birthday and then eating his cake?
Course you bloody wouldn't, it totally shitty behaviour and not just a cake it's total disregard for you, if this were my DH I'd be very hurt Thanks

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/11/2019 14:58

I'm really sorry, this must be so hurtful. Being out of work can be very stressful, but there is no need to punish you for having a job.

I'm sure he was lovely in the past, but I believe that you really see a person's character when more difficult times arrive. He isn't showing himself in the best light so far, is he?

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 28/11/2019 14:59

Oh OP, that's awful. If I were in your position, I would want to tell him how much he's hurt you and why - no card, present, flowers, cake, meal. Not even a card from your toddler. I think I'd also be saying that you are seriously questioning wanting to be with someone who treats me so carelessly and unloving LG and he is to leave the house, spend a few nights away and give you time to figure out your emotions. You deserve so so much better 💐 Stay strong x

woogal · 28/11/2019 15:03

A card is too expensive? Card factory has cards from 29p.

That's so shit op, I would be so disappointed if my husband did that.

Psychologika · 28/11/2019 15:04

I honestly think I would cry over that

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/11/2019 15:05

"we've talked about this and nothing changes." he's just not listening and procrastination is the most rubbish excuse ever, especially as one PP said there is always Amazon.. Boo Hoo. Poor him.....as I said before Note on Fridge and go on all out strike. Or any other massive attention getting strategy that appeals to you.

Smellbow · 28/11/2019 15:05

I am a terrible procrastinator and will leave everything to the last minute and have a stressful job, suffered bereavement - but I wouldn't not get anything for DH's birthday or eat his cake, because I'm not an asshole (I hope).

Sorry about your birthday.

Apolloanddaphne · 28/11/2019 15:07

He is a thoughtless prick. My blood is boiling for you. This is not about your birthday or cake but about how little he thinks of you in general. You deserve so much better. Cake for you.

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 28/11/2019 15:09

You need to talk this through between you. There are deep feelings involved. You feel as if he doesn't care. Maybe he feels lost and unable to make a decision. If you are a strong partnership you can work this through together.

If you make it about a birthday you will miss the important thing.
Also it cannot be objective so others cannot say YANBU. I hate a fuss being made about my birthday - and always have. Adults who expect to be spoilt seem silly. But that's how it works in my family.

You are upset and the only person who can help with that is your DH who sounds as if he is very depressed.

I hope you can work it out OP - because as you said he is usually very caring.

LovePoppy · 28/11/2019 15:15

I’m sorry
That’s so so deliberately hurtful

bigbluebus · 28/11/2019 15:15

YANBU - it wasn't his cake to eat it was a gift to you from your colleagues. If someone had given you a box of chocolates for your birthday would he have helped himself to those as well? Tell him how you feel about this and what you want him to do to make this up to you and see what happens.

msmith501 · 28/11/2019 15:19

Just a word to the opposite but if his stress is real and perhaps more than the OP realises (men like to hide stress), he may be too paralysed to the point where even small things seem too hard. I'm probably wrong but some of the relies are too LTB.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2019 15:20

He's out of work and you're working and you have enough money. So it's not his earnings he's worried about spending and he has all the time in the world to do it.

I'm with the first poster. Cunt.

catsmother · 28/11/2019 15:21

Bloody hell that's mean. No effort whatsoever and then greedily gobbles down half a cake. It's almost as if he resents the idea of you having any attention. Effectively ignores you then ruins your treat.

I'd be raging mad. The only reason I'm not ripping into him more on your behalf is that you say it's out of character. But even then, you'd have to be severely depressed (if you're concerned about his mental health for example), as in, catatonic, to not manage to order something, some sort of token, online. I wonder if something else is going on and hope you get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later because it's cruel to leave you thinking he doesn't give a shit otherwise.

And if there's some vaguely valid reason, though I'm at a loss to come up with anything that'd justify his thoughtlessness, he owes you one heck of an apology.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/11/2019 15:24

Stop acknowledging his birthday. He will only learn to celebrate your birthday once no-one has celebrated his and he feels hurt and asks why. "I thought we weren't doing birthdays anymore? You didn't do anything for mine?"

SunshineCake · 28/11/2019 15:24

It is not just about cake.

It's about him getting a pass because he is stressed.

It is about him not having any thought to get the toddler to make a picture for mummy.

It's about him thinking his negative current life things are more important than the positivity of your birthday.

I'm sure toddler drew him a picture if not given a card when it was his special day. He's not stupid. He knows what should happen.

I never had anything from anyone but still knew that when the children came along a scribble would be priceless for DH and they are.

Reallynowdear · 28/11/2019 15:25

That is such awful behaviour, sorry OP,

Happy birthday x

Loopytiles · 28/11/2019 15:26

Have you told him how you feel about his actions/ inaction?

DH didn’t do much for my milestone birthday when he was v busy with work/house project, and we were both at a low ebb, but did get me a nice card and small gift.

I might’ve done the cake thing, have binge eating problem, but would have left some and been mortified and replaced it! Blush

BrendasUmbrella · 28/11/2019 15:26

You aren't broke. So take some money out of the joint account and celebrate your birthday. Buy yourself some nice food, clothes, whatever you'd like. Don't let his treatment of you dictate how you treat yourself.

SlothOfSluggishness · 28/11/2019 15:27

So, not only is he a cunt, he’s a cocklodger as well.

I think it’s ultimatum time. Either he goes to the GP to sort out his depression (or whatever it is) or get properly signed off, and/or gets a job within time limit, or you chuck him out.

He wasn’t too paralysed to eat half of your fucking cake was he?

Happy birthday and hugs to you.

Doyoumind · 28/11/2019 15:29

As a procrastinator and someone who has suffered with depression and stress and who has experienced being out of work, none of this is an excuse to do absolutely nothing for you and to eat your cake on top of it.

At the very least get him to the GP and give him an ultimatum but I would honestly be showing him the door.

SlothOfSluggishness · 28/11/2019 15:29

Also, completely ignore his birthday, other than buying a delicious elaborate cake and eating it all to yourself in front of him.

Waveysnail · 28/11/2019 15:30

You said it's out of character as hensually makes a fuss over you. I'd be more worried that he isn't well tbh

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 28/11/2019 15:31

Would he ever make no effort for his kids birthdays, because he is tired and stressed? If you already told him what you wanted, it would have only taken him 10 min to order that online, it's hardly going to add much to his stress or tiredness levels.

To be honest though, the cake thing would piss me off much more. It's not that he's eaten half a cake, it's that he didnt think of you at all, not even just to double check that you didnt want any more, or leave the last slice just in case. And he didnt think youd eaten half a cake (who thinks that you sit and eat half a cake in the office without offering it around) he just didnt think. As it's your birthday its your birthday cake not communal cake