AIBU to cancel christmas

[Helpmelmaooo]

Back story - DP is an alcoholic
Dc is 2 in two weeks
I’m a stay at home mum and only receive a small amount of tax credits and use most of it to cover food shopping etc. Never spend money on myself and have to ask DP for money for DC and rent etc.
Anyway, at least twice a week DP will just not come home, he’ll be out drinking all night and spend hundreds (and if he doesn’t have the money then he will borrow money from his friends which then impacts the next week as he has to pay it all back). Long story short we are skint, behind on the rent etc etc.
I’ve got a few presents for my DC for her birthday that I’ve bought with my child benefit and any spare cash but nothing for Christmas and to be honest I can’t see us even having money for a tree let alone food and presents.
On top of this I don’t even really feel like having a Christmas just because I feel so depressed and stressed all the time because of the way I’m treated, like I’m not important and like I came off the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Please no judgement, I knowI should just leave. I know I’ll get there in the end but at the moment it’s extremely hard as I’m pregnant with my second and my first is still young and it’s hard to deal with everything, not sure how I’d cope on my own!
I just feel like crying every time I think about Christmas, I know I’d spend the day cooking and cleaning up after everyone and wouldn’t get to sit down, I’d have to watch everyone opening presents (if we could afford any in the first place) and no one would bother getting me one because I’m clearly not important enough
Not sure what question I’m asking here really I guess is just like a kind word or something, I’m really struggling

not sure how I’d cope on my own!

You ARE on your own now... Actually even worse.

If you want to cancel Christmas, cancel Christmas. Little one won't remember

OP, you are going through a really tough time and of course you shouldn't put yourself under any additional pressure. You absolutely don't need to do Christmas at your house. Your daughter will not know and by the sounds of it, your partner will not appreciate it.

Do you have a friend or family member you can go to for Christmas day? Don't take your partner and just have some special time with your DD? I know for a fact that if I knew someone in your situation, I would be so happy to have you over from Christmas. It is what the day is supposed to be about.

Christmas isn't just for your daughter - it is also a time for you to feel loved and supported.

There is a bigger issue here in relation to your partner and his alcoholism - You are in a financially abusive relationship where he controls the money and by doing so has trapped you with him. It is disgusting to me that he feels able to spend hundreds of pounds a week on himself and you and your daughter are going without.

if he doesn't seek help, then realistically this will be every Christmas for you and your DCs if you don't get out.

You poor thing. You will be strong enough to leave him one day, but it takes time. There is no point flogging yourself to fake a Christmas that won't be appreciated, so just don't do it. Maybe next year you will have moved on and can have the Christmas you deserve.

Darling, you don't have to do anything that makes you feel more stressed than you already are.
You know this situation can't go on - can you move in with your parents for a while?
Failing that, would you be able to get your dp to agree, to get his wages paid to your own bank account, do you can manage the family money?
Ultimately though, you are going to have to leave him. He's got no incentive to get better, all the time you remain. And this life is seriously damaging to your children. Is this what you want for them? You can cancel Christmas now, while your DC is tiny, but how do you think that's going to work in a year or two's time.

Christmas is just one day. Your child is too young to understand. Maybe save one of her birthday presents for Christmas if you’d like to see her open something.
Do you have family you can spend Christmas with?
You say you’d never manage on your own but it sounds like you already are managing on your own. If you left you wouldn’t have to deal with all the crappy behaviour from ‘d’p. so it would be life would actually be easier.
Do you really want your children growing up thinking this is a normal way of life.
Leaving will be hard but you can do it. You can make a lovely life for you and your children.

Have you any family you and your 2 yr old could go to (and never come back). You need to get this man out of your lives. Don't subject your children to a life with an alcoholic father. He may get help but right now you need to think of yourself, your 2 yr old and your new baby. They deserve better. Contact women's aid for advice asap. He's being abusive.

As for Christmas, your child won't have a clue so don't even bother worrying about it. Focus on being away from him and having a happier Christmas next year.

I would honestly be more worried about bringing the rent up to date than Christmas.

Your DC is young enough to not really notice if you don't really 'do' Christmas this year. I echo the thoughts of others though that this situation needs to change sooner rather than later. You would probably cope better than you think alone. You are often on your own now but have the additional stress of living in debt with an alcoholic. Maybe you will find strength to start the new year afresh. Can you get any short term help from your parents? Living alone with your 2 young children would be ok. Your husband needs to sort himself out. You can't do it for him. Don't let him destroy yours and your young children's lives.

I would still try and do a stripped back Xmas, put the decorations up but don’t buy anymore presents. Split the ones you have in half and give some for birthday and others Xmas. Top up with a couple of bits from the pound shop if you can. Tell any adults etc that you normally but for that you can’t afford presents this year.
Speak to cab/step change/pay plan about debts/rent arrears. It is daunting but getting advice helps.
This is my first Xmas as a single mum and I’ve cut back on decorations and presents as going through an expensive divorce. If it wasn’t for the kids I’d cancel Xmas so I get how you feel.
On the relationship side, you can do it on your own. I never thought I could but trust me being a single mum is 100% easier than being in a shitty relationship. Sounds like you’re probably doing it all on your own already anyway

Of course you don't have to do xmas day under such dreary circumstances OP. Your DD is too small to have any expectation other than what you tell her is happening, your DP will be oblivious, & what is the point of making yourself a drudge for a day you won't enjoy?

More concerning is that you don't yet feel able to leave.
In the short term - do you have folks? - is there a 'back home' to go to, for a few days over xmas?
Medium term ... you know what you have to do. But you don't need to be nagged or chastised here about it. You are not alone, & when you are ready to take steps, there will be good advice & support here for you.

Living with an alkie is soul-destroying.
I hope you can get thru this xmas & come out the other side into a new year without a horrible financially abusive drunkard in it.

Hello thank you all for your kind replies
I’m not able to go to any friends for Christmas because they’re all with their families and I don’t have any of my own family near me (mum and dad live about an hours drive away but they’re both working).
I guess I will just do DCs birthday and leave Christmas until a year when it’s better

You & your children need to eat at Christmas, that is more important than having a tree or decorations or presents.
Those are things for other years, when you are not living with an alcoholic so you will be able to budget for Christmas & nobody will spend your budget on themselves.

At just turned 2, Christmas does not need to be expensive.
Your daughter needs cuddles with her mum & attention.
I know it sounds dumb but you could draw her a picture or give her a big cardboard box that you play with together & she will think it is a great present at that age.
She can draw a picture for you too - if you love it, she will be happy.

Really, you need to leave & be away from the terrible stress you are living under.
It's not good for you or your kids.
He will never change while he has no reason to.

I just find it so hard, he has made clear that if we split up then there will be no money from him. I have calculated my benefits entitlement if I was on my own and I would only have £140 for the month after my rent if I was to stay in this house and if I moved back with my parents I would have hardly any as I wouldn’t be paying rent etc (think I would have about £400 monthly) Therefore I’d just be stuck there

How long have you been together OP? Is he your DD's father?

I would start looking for a way out.

I literally would not do Christmas at home
I’d say to him this is what life looks like when you live with someone who puts drinking above their family and partner
This is what Christmas looks like when your partners had enough and is not going to go through the motions
This is what next Christmas is going to look like as I won’t be here to ‘ jolly. ‘ it up for you so you can start getting used to it now.

Be brutal and don’t look back

It’s just getting a bit much for me at the moment being pregnant it’s even worse.. only last week we didn’t have any money to eat so he borrowed money from someone to do a food shop and then just went drinking with it instead. Me and dc had toast for dinner that night until we could get to the shops in the morning and then I had to take money out of my rent pot

@Helpmelmaooo you need to speak to someone irl. Let's face it, you are not having much now either from him except stress and debts.
Hope it gets better for you

Your DD won't remember so don't feel bad about that.
If you want to mark it, you could make some decorations with her. Wrap up something she already has and doesn't play with. Or hide something now so she forgets about it, wrap it and give it to her.

Staying or moving back with your parents are not the only options. What about looking to live near your parents? Do they know he is an alcoholic?

Even if your folks are working, wouldn’t they mind you and DD being at their place for a few days? They must be not working at some point and you could at least be somewhere welcoming?

We’ve been together for 5 years and yes he is my DCs father. I just really can’t understand why he thinks it’s fine to cause me stress when I’m pregnant (had it all through my first pregnancy and was hospitalised a few time’s with cramping and bleeding etc)

Surely better to be stuck in your Parents and your children take part in a cultural celebration, that a lot of the World is and not in a chaotic household.

You could rebuild your life and get to a better point, rather than throw your children under the bus.

Have you calculated what child maintenance you'd get?

She won’t remember this Christmas so just do whatever you need to get by. I strongly advise leaving the feckless ‘partner’, he is only dragging you down both financially and emotionally. You know you and your DC deserve better than this, as an alcoholic this will not improve unless he hits rock bottom and gets help. You do not want your DC growing up in this toxic environment.

By the sounds of it, you will be better off financially alone anyway, it’s not as if he is bringing anything to the table spending it all on alcohol. You definitely will cope alone, plenty of women do.

To be honest I’d feel a bit embarrassed and shamed going to my parents - they’re led to believe everything is fine and we’re both normal happy people who pay everything on time and can afford things like Christmas

I'm sure if you told a close trusted friend they would have you and your DD round for Christmas with their family. I've just split with DH and would have been spending Christmas day on my own as my DD is with her dad. As I've told people many of them have said I could go to them and spend it with theirs. No-one would want to think of you on your own with no dinner. As for presents, I wouldn't worry. DD is too young to remember and would have just had her birthday. I hope you find the strength to leave soon but I understand continuing in the relationship while pregnant feels like the better option. Could you look into council housing? I wish you all the luck in the world x

."I just really can’t understand why he thinks it’s fine to cause me stress when I’m pregnant" because he's an addict that doesn't care about anything else.

One day your children will ask you why you thought it was OK to let them be dragged into that lifestyle.