AIBU to cancel christmas

[Helpmelmaooo]

Back story - DP is an alcoholic
Dc is 2 in two weeks
I’m a stay at home mum and only receive a small amount of tax credits and use most of it to cover food shopping etc. Never spend money on myself and have to ask DP for money for DC and rent etc.
Anyway, at least twice a week DP will just not come home, he’ll be out drinking all night and spend hundreds (and if he doesn’t have the money then he will borrow money from his friends which then impacts the next week as he has to pay it all back). Long story short we are skint, behind on the rent etc etc.
I’ve got a few presents for my DC for her birthday that I’ve bought with my child benefit and any spare cash but nothing for Christmas and to be honest I can’t see us even having money for a tree let alone food and presents.
On top of this I don’t even really feel like having a Christmas just because I feel so depressed and stressed all the time because of the way I’m treated, like I’m not important and like I came off the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Please no judgement, I knowI should just leave. I know I’ll get there in the end but at the moment it’s extremely hard as I’m pregnant with my second and my first is still young and it’s hard to deal with everything, not sure how I’d cope on my own!
I just feel like crying every time I think about Christmas, I know I’d spend the day cooking and cleaning up after everyone and wouldn’t get to sit down, I’d have to watch everyone opening presents (if we could afford any in the first place) and no one would bother getting me one because I’m clearly not important enough
Not sure what question I’m asking here really I guess is just like a kind word or something, I’m really struggling

I genuinely don’t think you’d be left with only £140 a month if you were on your own. I know UC can be problematic and isn’t exactly generous, but a single mother with a baby & toddler will have more than that after rent is paid.

You need to start information gathering. Go to CAB and get proper advice from a benefits expert. Then go to the local council and see if they can assist you in alternative accommodation. Maybe they can’t, but they’ll be able to give you proper facts and figures. Once you have those you can start making proper plans.

An alcoholic parent is risky for children...very risky. You need to protect them both (and yourself) from him and you need to start reaching out to services who can support you. His behaviour is emotionally and financially abusive (at the very least) and there is literally no benefit whatsoever in staying with him.

Christmas this year does not matter. Your DD won’t have the faintest idea that she’s missing out on anything. The best Christmas present you could possibly give her is to start to take the steps necessary to protect her future.

Being with a man like that is significantly harder than being on your own. Significantly. So instead of believing that life will be harder without him you need to start realising that exactly the opposite will be true....everything will be better without him.

And it’s not up to him whether he pays maintenance or not. Money can be taken straight from his wages if necessary.

Call your parents. And call them now.

How would you feel about helping your own children in the future?

Is there an age at which you would no longer care about them? Normal loving parents are going to want to help with money -shelter- and support.

You are pretending for his sake... does he deserve that?

How much relief would it be not to have to pretend - and to have someone to share this with?

he has made clear that if we split up then there will be no money from him
How kind of him to confirm the fact of his financial abuse & coercive control of you. He can be as "clear" as he likes - the CMS will disagree.

only last week we didn’t have any money to eat so he borrowed money from someone to do a food shop and then just went drinking with it instead.
Please contact Womens Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/ - there is help, support, advice & understanding available, & they will be pleased to offer it to you.

I’d feel a bit embarrassed and shamed going to my parents
& they would be horrified to know that their DD & GD are living with such a horrible man, being treated disgracefully - & that they didn't know so were unable to help.
You might find that they suspect a little more than you think.
It is understandable & very common for women in your situation to feel embarrassed, @Helpmelmaooo. I did. I took time for me to even realise it, let alone admit it. But my embarrassment was met with acknowledgement, support & validation. And truly - you cannot go on living like this.

Abuse thrives in secrecy. Please ring your parents, visit them, tell them the truth - you cannot go on being isolated & controlled by this man, & your DD needs you to get her out from under an alcoholic's roof.

Stay strong. The truth will set you free.

I’d feel a bit embarrassed and shamed going to my parents
Please please go back to your parents. I am sure if they knew the half of what is happening to you they would want to help.
Please dont stay with this man a moment longer. Ignore christmas, Just get through this and leave as soon as you possibly can. Do not listen to him about money he is bluffing and talking bollox.
Please call womens aid and get advice. But first, phone your Mum or Dad and tell them what you have told us.

Please tell your parents and let them help you. I would hate my daughter to hide something like this from me shut me out if she was being treated like this
Wouldn't you want to help your daughter?

tell you parents please and go there for CHristmas. Give you and him the time and space to see what happens.

But dont be scared he doestnt seem to give you money now. Moving to your parents will enable you to set yourself up

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, can you wrap up toys she hasn’t played with for a while she won’t know that they aren’t new!

Don't be so sure that your parents don't know anything. They may not know everything, but I'm sure they know something. We know when our children, even adult children, aren't happy. We may not know why, but we sense things are 'off'.

They probably don't want to interfere if you aren't ready for them. I'll bet they're just waiting for you to come to them. Please do, please call them. I'd be sick if I thought that my sons felt they had to 'keep up appearances' for my sake.

Talk to them. It doesn't mean you have to do anything drastic or make changes you aren't ready for. But it will at least open that door a crack.

Forget about Christmas. Concentrate on yourself and your DC. Think about leaving and how it would feel to be free of him. I'd rather be eating pot noodle in a bedsit than live with a man like that.

"I have calculated my benefits entitlement if I was on my own and I would only have £140 for the month after my rent if I was to stay in this house "

Have you been to the CAB? You may be entitled to more.
Also a smaller place for you and the children?
But surely you will be entitled to Housing Benefit?

My worry is that by staying, you will soon be evicted, and your references and credit will be shot, because of him, not because of you.

OP, honestly and truly, you have nothing, not one thing, to be ashamed about. No one will judge you - not anyone whose opinion will count anyway.

Al Anon is a group that supports the partners of alcoholics - you will meet and hear from other women in your position.

Can you talk to your midwife? Again, she will have heard it all before, and will have access to support networks.

I don''t mean to put pressure on you, I know you have to make your move when you are ready. But it may be that you will feel less alone and less helpless wit professional and specialist support.

He puts you under this stress because his addiction means that he will never be in control of his choices and will always put drink first. He literally cannot help or support you. His mind and body are controlled by his absolute dependence on alcohol.

The absence of Christmas this year will pass your Dc by completely - no biggie.

By this time next year she will be very aware of the whole situation. His behaviour, the lack of money, the lack of Christmas, what Mummy puts up with, and the fact that she will never be important in her father's life, compared to drink. She will be sucked in to the lifestyle that his addiction dictates.

So...don't leave it too long or let yourself get too downtrodden to act, OP.

There will be lots of Mn support for you.

OP, I'm not being harsh but why in gods name did you decide to have another child with this fucking useless abusive wanker?

Please op tell and go to your parents. You cannot stay with such a selfish man. He will not change. Go now before you have a toddler in one hand and a baby in the other

Is you DP self employed? Is that how he thinks he'll get round not paying for his kids?

You poor thing. You have nothing and therefore the only way is up. You can’t be in any worse place ever than you are now.

If it were my daughter she would be moving in today with the little one and the baby and then I would be trying my best to get her set up again near me.

I also hope you find the strength to leave before Christmas.

New year, new you, new life.

Please go to your parents! Just read your updates. This is not on for you or your kids. £400 a month is better than what you have now so go back home and live there.. please you won’t regret leaving, think of the example your setting your DC.

@Ponoka7 thank you for your advice. I’m unable to work as my child is not in nursery yet. She’s going in January and the plan was for me to look for a job but then I got pregnant and no one will hire me.

@Bee1511 he does work full time and earns quite good money, hence why I get hardly any help from benefits (pretty much just get basic child benefit and some tax credits but hardly any). Our rent is always paid but it’s a huge struggle every month a few days before it’s due to gather up the money and we will often go without money for things like food shopping hence why he will then have to borrow money from someone to pay for that. Along with borrowing money for drinking and all this borrowed money sets us back the next week when he has to pay it all back. He doesn’t drink every day, but two or three times a week he will binge and be drinking all night. Then he’ll turn up here at maybe 9am and sleep all day assuming he’s too hungover to work. Which means that we then miss out on a days wages.

Even if you save one little pressies you bought for her birthday, back for her to open Christmas morning! Get one of those little tiny tinsel tress from home bargains/Poundland for a couple of quid! And have chicken nuggets chips and beans in Christmas hats (turkey is crap...don't know why we all eat it 😂) then snuggle up and watch a Christmas movie under a blanket on Christmas night!

Lovely little Christmas, super within your budget and you'll probably be able to draw back on it in years to come when you're back on your feet! Don't beat yourself up or get down, I know it's hard and it sounds like you're in a rubbish position, but it also sounds like you're trying your best ♥️ you'll get where you need to be xxx

Contact your parents now.

The first step to making this situation better is telling someone what is going on. Your parents, a friend or other relative. The first step is the bravest. Dont feel ashamed. Life is hard. Stuff happens and people understand that more than you think they will.

Dont worry about christmas. Your dc wont know different or remember. Focus all your energy on a establishing a support network. Start with charities for emotional support if you're not ready to reach out to family. There is free financial advice too. Dont take financial advice from the partner who is currently taking yours and your dcs money.

Most parents would want to know if an adult child was in such difficulties, maybe more so if grandchildren were involved. Please give them the chance to help you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, it's your partner who is behaving badly, not you.

Christmas is not your big problem. Your little one won’t know at this age.

Please contact your midwife and tell her your situation. You are being financially abused and it’s impacting on your abd your children’s well-being. There is still help out there. You need to access it by telling someone for your children’s sake.

If you were on your own and not working you would be entitled to full benefits which would also cover rent as you would be entitled to housing benefit or universal credit etc depending on where you live etc.

Personally I would contact cab or somewhere like women's aid or another organisation where you can go in and explain the situation in full and get someone to do a benefit calculation to see what you are entitled to using your actual circumstances.

Fuck Christmas, stop worrying about it because the reality this year your little one doesn't need much they are too young yet to fully understand. Just get through the next few weeks and make plans for your future because you deserve so much better than this!

OP give yourself the biggest gift you can this christmas- decide to leave your OH.

Life without him will be much better than it is now.

Please, please tell your parents.

And even if you're on your own there for Christmas day it's better than where you are.

Is he self-employed? Is that why he thinks he won't have to pay you anything for your children?

Even though your parents are working, I'm sure they'll still decorate and have Christmas dinner at some point. Go stay with them. It's better to be with them or even on your own in their house than sitting waiting for your drunk DP to come back to your's.

How odd your DP gets paid weekly. It's been years since I've heard of that.

You could leave. You could have less to deal with. Don't be ashamed to lean on your parents. Why keep from them how brave you are? Why keep from them how bloody careful you are with money? How supportive you have tried to be? This partner has gone beyond the reasonable tests of a relationship and is feckless. You deserve so much better and your children deserve a safe reliable adult without the chaos their father brings.
Being a single parent is easier than living with someone else constantly making everything hard and taking all of theach choices away. for you. If your parents aren't super proud of you for having battled this far they would be embarrassed x I can tell them that too x