AIBU to cancel christmas

[Helpmelmaooo]

Back story - DP is an alcoholic
Dc is 2 in two weeks
I’m a stay at home mum and only receive a small amount of tax credits and use most of it to cover food shopping etc. Never spend money on myself and have to ask DP for money for DC and rent etc.
Anyway, at least twice a week DP will just not come home, he’ll be out drinking all night and spend hundreds (and if he doesn’t have the money then he will borrow money from his friends which then impacts the next week as he has to pay it all back). Long story short we are skint, behind on the rent etc etc.
I’ve got a few presents for my DC for her birthday that I’ve bought with my child benefit and any spare cash but nothing for Christmas and to be honest I can’t see us even having money for a tree let alone food and presents.
On top of this I don’t even really feel like having a Christmas just because I feel so depressed and stressed all the time because of the way I’m treated, like I’m not important and like I came off the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Please no judgement, I knowI should just leave. I know I’ll get there in the end but at the moment it’s extremely hard as I’m pregnant with my second and my first is still young and it’s hard to deal with everything, not sure how I’d cope on my own!
I just feel like crying every time I think about Christmas, I know I’d spend the day cooking and cleaning up after everyone and wouldn’t get to sit down, I’d have to watch everyone opening presents (if we could afford any in the first place) and no one would bother getting me one because I’m clearly not important enough
Not sure what question I’m asking here really I guess is just like a kind word or something, I’m really struggling

I'm not trying to be mean..

But the pregnancies before have been as a result of you forgetting to take the pill.
And this one was planned

Has he always been like this?

This sounds horrible! I think you need to leave and you probably know you do aswell. Don't forget if he does earn decent money, he will be court ordered to pay you child maintenance, if he doesn't his wages will be garnished.

I don't think your DC would even be aware that Christmas hasn't happened. If you did want to do it, you could do a really scaled down version with a cheaper roast chicken and just one small gift for DC.

I hope things get better for you.

OP tell your parents the truth. This is not for you to be ashamed. Your DP is an alcoholic and has the judgement and emotionally abusive behaviour of an alcoholic doing nothing to fight their addiction.

I think your parents would rather hear the truth and be there for you and their grandchildren.

On the relationship side, you can do it on your own. I never thought I could but trust me being a single mum is 100% easier than being in a shitty relationship. Sounds like you’re probably doing it all on your own already anyway

This is so true.

Op my partner was like this.. spending money on drink, getting into debt, keeping all his wages, and leaving me to buy food etc off child benefits / tax credits. I am honestly so much better off without him, even though I only get benefits (I’m disabled as well). You would be able to claim universal credit as a single parent, and you wouldn’t be forced to look for work until your youngest child is three (or if you went back sooner you would get money towards childcare). I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s so much easier than living with my ex! I had help from women’s aid, who helped me see it was financial abuse, from the council with rehousing, and then counselling as well, which helped me recover.
The best Christmas present for you and your dc would be starting over away from him!

You say your parents live an hour away, would it be cheaper to rent somewhere near to them in the long run? In the meantime you are struggling to put food in the mouths of your DC and pay the rent anyway, if he left you would get Child Maintenance from him either voluntarily or through putting a claim in. You can't stay in a relationship with someone who puts himself and his drinking before you and your DC. Being alone would be better than this!

TryingToBeBold - Eh? Nobody would plan a preganacy wth someone so useless and nasty. Surely.

Your worse off staying with him.

The stress, the money, how you feel.

I suffered the same and I went home to my parents. I also hid a lot of what went on because I felt ashamed id put up with it for so long.

Long story short, got a council house, ended up buying it, I'm in a much better place and now have a lovely family and I have some step kids aswell as my own.

It only got better when I left him.

It can't get any worse now that how it currently is can it?

If you leave him you can see what you can claim until you get back on your feet. It won't be forever.

By staying nothing is going to change. I think it will get harder once your baby is born.

Good luck.

You said that Your last pregnancy was difficult and if I were in your shoes, I would be worried about the same thing happening, this time with a toddler in tow and no support from this abusive partner.
If you are taken ill again, you need someone around you can rely on to be kind to you and look after both you, the baby and your existing child.
A person who will spend food money on a drinking binge and leave his young daughter and wife to starve is nothing less than an abuser. His financial control and threats are also bare faced abuse.

You need to get to your parents asap. Yes, it will be difficult in the short term, but you will find a way through it. Staying will be worse and you are putting yourself and your two children at risk.

Please get some RL advice and also speak to your parents and stop listing all the financial reasons why it is not possible. With help you will make it possible. As for staying and scrimping to produce some kind of Christmas that is crazy. Also this is exactly the time of year when a selfish drinker will have extra opportunities to drink and will be even less plesant to be around.

@userxx

Ops posting history suggests otherwise.

Nobody would plan a preganacy wth someone so useless and nasty. Surely.

Sadly some do. Case in point it seems.

ThatsMe Some people get paid weekly cash in hand, for example labourers in the building trade, or cleaning jobs. (Just because it's cash in hand doesn't mean it's illegal. People still declare it, pay tax etc.)

Hi everyone,

We've had a few reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. Though, we strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope your situation improves soon. Good Luck.

Very difficult to advise you, but I tend to agree with many posters on here, either stay with your parents, or they come to you. Tell DH you need more support, and it's not coming from him. Suggest he goes to AA, or rehab during this time, ensure bills are payed as usual. Parent's usually suspect a problem anyway, and try not to interfere. They will enjoy close proximity to their GC no doubt. Do this ASAP

OP...this is why you need professional advice.

If you are saying that your income would be £1480 while your rent is £1200 of that then it’s likely you could apply for things like discretionary housing payments. This would give you another £200 a month.

But you really need to speak to the council &/or CAB, not just online calculators. Be properly informed then you can make real decisions.

The fact is that there are plenty of single parents with very young children who get UC and, while it’s not easy, it’s not absolutely impossible either. It may be that there are grants available - and most councils have rent deposit schemes. Don’t write solutions off until you know for sure what is and isn’t available to you.

At the moment, you have no reliable income because it’s being pissed up the wall every week. At least if you were in charge of your own finances this wouldn’t happen.

Life would be nothing but better without him in it. Do you really want to be back here this time next year with a little girl who has started to get excited about Santa, upset because you can’t get her anything?

Act now.

OP, if you want to ignore Christmas then of course you can, but there are lots of ways you can have a fun Christmas on the very cheap, particularly with a two year old who doesn't really have any expectations yet.

If you really don't have any friends or family who you could join then I am sure your local church or charity will be running some kind of event. You could also contact your local Women's Aid.

On the bigger picture, my ex wasn't an alcoholic but he was financially and emotionally abusive, much as your H is. I left him five years ago with my two children in tow and we have never looked back. You can do it and you will be financially better off in the long term.

Is his cousin still mooching off you as well?

OP this man will ruin your life, and your DC's life.

That is much, much worse than weathering any 'embarassment' at telling your parents and friedns what is REALLY going on.

And... it wouldn't be embarrassment for you. Only for him, and sympathy and support and admiration for you having had to struggle and then having the courage to take your kids out of it.

You would NOT be 'stuck' at your parents. You would be free. You would be able to have peace and quiet and support for your birth, take some time to regroup, save some money, and eventually move out to a home where you know what money you have, you can budget and you aren't waiting for a useless nasty alcoholic to stuff it all up every time. No, it wouldn't be a bed of roses but it will be a MILLION times better than the hell you are stuck in now, especially as that hell is only going to get worse. Leaving, even at its toughest, even if you end up stuck with your parents for a year or more is at least the start of a road to a better life without this shithead dragging you down.

If he's working full time, you go to CSA and put a claim in.

He will eventually be drinking every day. He will eventually ruin his health. By the time he gets to that point, your children will be damaged by having grown up with a raging alkie in the house, as their dad. Don't do it to them.

Christmas isn't really that important - it can be special with a paper hat and a biscuit if you feel safe and happy. Please, please tell your parents what is happening and get out of there in time to prepare for your birth and take your dd away from this horrible way to live.

OP if you were my dd I would absolutely not care one hoot you'd been covering it up all this time. Just come out and ask your parent if there's anything they can do to help. What is the worst thing that will happen if you tell them? Maybe they do nothing? That's where you are now though.

If you move out before school starts things will be a lot easier as if things get back then you'll also have to take your dc out of school and move.

Re the Christmas thing I would definitely not bother this year and that's ok. It's supposed to be a celebration and you won't be celebrating much. Your lo won't even know any different and hopefully one day you can tell your dc of these times and say you got the strength to move on. Alcoholics never really get any better ime. My alcoholic dad ripped the Christmas tree down in a rage once. I really remember it and his behaviour affected the rest of my life. I can say hand on heart get out as it will affect your dc no matter what you think you are doing to protect them.

I'm sorry, but why are you bringing another child into this shit show?

I nominate this for the most unhelpful comment on this thread

No, I think that’s a reasonable question actually

OP, if I had a daughter in your position I would move heaven and earth to help them. Please, please, tell them what's going on and see if you can go and stay with them.

That will give you the breathing space you need to think about your next steps.

You are being financially abused, in the most awful way. Your DP is leaving you, your child and your unborn baby short of food, ffs, the most basic thing that any human needs. For your sake, for the sake of the little ones, you need to be able to care for them, feed them, clothe them etc.

Staying in a situation where financial abuse is so severe that a child is not being fed properly is a safeguarding issue. You must get yourself and your child out of this situation as soon as possible, and I'm positive that your parents would help, at least in the short term while you sort other things out.

I can't see any way in which you would be worse off. And you'd be in control, rather than not knowing if your going to be able to eat tomorrow.

Speak to Women's Aid, or Al-Anon, and your parents. You need to leave this abuse man who cares less for his wife and child(ren) than he does about where his next drink is coming from.

@Aridane

*I'm sorry, but why are you bringing another child into this shit show?

I nominate this for the most unhelpful comment on this thread*

Very reasonable question considering this baby was planned!

It may seem reasonable to you but it does not help the current situation. Maybe he made promises and was doing well when they planned the baby. We do not know all the Ins and Outs.

The op wants help now so it's not actually helpful.

You haven’t mentioned tax credits? You would be entitled to higher tax credits when you leave your partner. You would need to call and ask for a re assessment due to your relationship ending.

Please leave, honestly consider, is it fair for your child to go without food and without Christmas because her Daddy is a scumbag alcoholic and you are too proud to admit you need help?

This isn’t about you or pride, as a Mummy your first priority is your child and the child you are carrying! Your child deserves better! You know she does! Reach out and call Woman’s Aid! Call your Mum, tell her everything! I would be so devastated if my dd chose for herself and my grandchild to go without Christmas because she was too embarrassed to tell me her dh was an abusive alcoholic!

If your dh scares you then there is help! Woman’s Aid will support you! The police will support you! You have time, you can escape this disastrous relationship and be safe, warm, fed and happy on Christmas Day! With woman’s aid involved you will get charity support at Christmas- gifts for your little one and food.

Don’t be too down about being judged - you are not the first woman to hope that a new baby would fix a broken relationship. Unfortunately alcoholics are too selfish to put their partner and children first.