AIBU to cancel christmas

[Helpmelmaooo]

Back story - DP is an alcoholic
Dc is 2 in two weeks
I’m a stay at home mum and only receive a small amount of tax credits and use most of it to cover food shopping etc. Never spend money on myself and have to ask DP for money for DC and rent etc.
Anyway, at least twice a week DP will just not come home, he’ll be out drinking all night and spend hundreds (and if he doesn’t have the money then he will borrow money from his friends which then impacts the next week as he has to pay it all back). Long story short we are skint, behind on the rent etc etc.
I’ve got a few presents for my DC for her birthday that I’ve bought with my child benefit and any spare cash but nothing for Christmas and to be honest I can’t see us even having money for a tree let alone food and presents.
On top of this I don’t even really feel like having a Christmas just because I feel so depressed and stressed all the time because of the way I’m treated, like I’m not important and like I came off the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Please no judgement, I knowI should just leave. I know I’ll get there in the end but at the moment it’s extremely hard as I’m pregnant with my second and my first is still young and it’s hard to deal with everything, not sure how I’d cope on my own!
I just feel like crying every time I think about Christmas, I know I’d spend the day cooking and cleaning up after everyone and wouldn’t get to sit down, I’d have to watch everyone opening presents (if we could afford any in the first place) and no one would bother getting me one because I’m clearly not important enough
Not sure what question I’m asking here really I guess is just like a kind word or something, I’m really struggling

How odd your DP gets paid weekly. It's been years since I've heard of that.

Really? My DH is a postman with Royal Mail and is paid weekly. It's not that uncommon.

Weekly payment is really not that unusual!

In the gentlest of ways you need to leave this man.

You are doing it all on your own anyway.

Do not let his threats of not giving you money prevent you from leading a happy life with your children.

When you leave him you will find you can access much more help then you are getting now.

You cannot bring another child in to this toxic family dynamic.

Please talk to your family. Citizens Advice Bureau? Women's Aid? al-Anon. Once you voice your fears you can start making steps to make this work without this toxic man in your life.

You won't be the first woman to leave in what seems like terribly hard circumstances. Other professionals will have seen it all before and will help you take the steps needed.

You deserve so much more but you need to take the first steps.

Christmas is the least of your worries. Your little one has no idea about it. but she is old enough now to pick up on your stress and this will cause lasting damage if it goes on any longer.
You have family and friends which a lot of people don't - please go to them.
Your partner earns good money so the CMS will go after him.
Nothing is going to change for you; it will just get worse. You need to leave.

If your daughter was going through this would you want her to keep it from you and pretend everything was ok or would you prefer her to keep it hidden and be unhappy? Tell your parents, let people in and let people help you. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

@ChestnutSmoothie I think I got that figure slightly wrong.
My total amount from UC would be £1480- housing £997 standard allowance £251 and then £231 for my DC.
My rent is £1200 (London rate). That would leave me 280 a month to live on. Our gas and electric is £70 per month, council tax £136 (although this would be reduced to next to nothing as I would get council tax support) £12 water £20 internet and then the food shop. So it’s just not affordable.
Also I know people are going to say look for a cheaper rent alternative but to begin with I just don’t have the money to move. I have the deposit in this house but would never in a million years raise the fees and a month of rent up front and to be honest there aren’t a lot of two bed property’s around (And I would need a two bed with two DC) with lower rent than this (and if there are it’s extremely hard to find a landlord who will accept universal credit as payment).

Look at it this way @Helpmelmaooo even if its a £140 a month you are left with.You know you have money.You could budget.

Its still more than you have now.Ring Womens Aid and see if they can advise you.

Yes to calling WA.

I think the question is "when" do you leave not "if". I lived with a functioning alcoholic for a long time and you deserve better. Puzzled as to why you thought a second chid would be a good idea, though?!

In your shoes as well @Helpmelmaooo I'd flog the three hundred quid Playstation you bought for him in October. And the games. If you're now left with nothing because he's spent it, you need to recoup the money.

Goodness please tell someone at the very least. Preferably your parents.

Some councils have schemes to help with rent deposits so get some advice from the council or CAB.

I'd be devastated if any of my kids felt like they couldn't come to me if they were in this situation.
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? If you do, tell them everything and go and stay with them.

She’s going in January and the plan was for me to look for a job but then I got pregnant and no one will hire me.

I dont usually agree with bringing in old threads, but it may be relevant here. If you were planning on go back to work, why have you actively been TTC over the past year? If money is always a worry, why did you spend hundreds of pounds on his birthday?

He sounds like he has many issues and that it is not healthy for you and your children to be around him, but on the flip side you have actively being making choices that will leave you much worse off financially in the long run (the spending huge amount on birthdays and trying to have another baby). Its expensive living in London, so when you make a decision about your future, you have to be more financially aware. I suggest staying with your parents until you either find a much cheaper rental or council property.

Do you need to stay in London? Could you move closer to your parents?

(And I would need a two bed with two DC)

No, you wouldn't. Not to begin with.

Your eldest is 2. Could sleep in with you. Your baby in cot/Moses basket.

Long term, yes, maybe. But for the next couple of years you could make do.

Does your partner even acknowledge that what he does is problematic? I know he has a problem and often, alcoholics can’t help themselves but there must be a time when he’s begging for loans for food shops that he’s aware life shouldn’t be like this?

Don’t feel embarrassed asking for help op. This is no life for you and your dc. And even if you can’t help feeling embarrassed, it’s better to be slightly embarrassed now to set yourself and your dc up for a better future.

Please dont be ashamed to talk to your parents...sutely they must have some idea how things are for you. I'm old enough to have married kids and grandkids and I know that I would do what I could to help out.

Also if he is drinking all the household money away then are you able to get referred to a food bank? Doctor, HV or CAB can refer

Get out.
I’m sorry but this is not fair on your child.
YOU need to do something about it as he isn’t going to Change.
If you don’t do it now, you won’t do it because you have a newborn, and it will go on. And then your kid will be old enough to see what’s going on, and be damaged.
You need to call you parents and women’s aid and put your kids first. This is ridiculous. He is awful and you have to get away.

Tell your parents today. Be totally honest and don’t sugar coat anything.
If you were my daughter, I’d want to know and want to help.

@Helpmelmaooo
Aaaw you are having such a hard time . I’m sure that I’m closer to your parents ages - please as a matter of urgency confide in them as you can’t continue to carry this awful burden without their love and support.
The idea you and DC are short of food because of his addiction just breaks my heart . Please phone them when they get in from work . See if you can go there for the weekend ?

Do you have anything you can sell to help in the meantime? A PlayStation or something? It would get you a couple of hundred

@SquareAsABlock

Ummm
Previous post have enlightened me.

@Helpmelmaooo
I thought your husband worked away Monday to Friday. So what does he drink everything away on a Friday and Saturday night (you've suggested at least twice a week).

You were actively trying to conceive also. Very excited to try.

And a pregnancy in January with a suspected pregnancy after that had ended..

I dont think you're quite telling the full story.

^^ all with someone who... acts the way you says he does.

Go back to you parents and register as homeless. Use that time to sort out benefits and to buy what you need and save ready to move out when ready.

They can say they need you out when you are ready to go.

Also get your deposit back and get taken off the rental property. Make sure that he can't run up any debts on your name.