AIBU to cancel christmas

[Helpmelmaooo]

Back story - DP is an alcoholic
Dc is 2 in two weeks
I’m a stay at home mum and only receive a small amount of tax credits and use most of it to cover food shopping etc. Never spend money on myself and have to ask DP for money for DC and rent etc.
Anyway, at least twice a week DP will just not come home, he’ll be out drinking all night and spend hundreds (and if he doesn’t have the money then he will borrow money from his friends which then impacts the next week as he has to pay it all back). Long story short we are skint, behind on the rent etc etc.
I’ve got a few presents for my DC for her birthday that I’ve bought with my child benefit and any spare cash but nothing for Christmas and to be honest I can’t see us even having money for a tree let alone food and presents.
On top of this I don’t even really feel like having a Christmas just because I feel so depressed and stressed all the time because of the way I’m treated, like I’m not important and like I came off the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Please no judgement, I knowI should just leave. I know I’ll get there in the end but at the moment it’s extremely hard as I’m pregnant with my second and my first is still young and it’s hard to deal with everything, not sure how I’d cope on my own!
I just feel like crying every time I think about Christmas, I know I’d spend the day cooking and cleaning up after everyone and wouldn’t get to sit down, I’d have to watch everyone opening presents (if we could afford any in the first place) and no one would bother getting me one because I’m clearly not important enough
Not sure what question I’m asking here really I guess is just like a kind word or something, I’m really struggling

Why do you have to " leave Christmas". You dont need to do a lot, just have a nice meal and a present each. It doesnt have to be so expensive as people make out. The simpler the better, I think.

I'm sorry, but why are you bringing another child into this shit show?
You don't have enough to pay your rent but are worried about presents?
Skip Christmas your child is too young to know any different. Get a job and start earning your own money.

Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, none of this lies on you OP. What a miserable existance, you poor thing. Of course you can cancel Christmas! Your DC is too small to know or care.

I would also support the motion to go to your parents' place and tell them the truth. You need support right now.

Firstly, I just wanted to say that by posting on here you are making the first step in leaving him. Just by writing it down and reaching out online when maybe you can’t do it in RL is a huge step.
Do your parents know he’s an alcoholic? Do they realise how bad it is for you? Could you go back home temporarily? Even a Christmas with them working will be better than a Christmas at your own home. They’ll have decorations up and I’m sure would not see you go hungry.
Please keep posting for support. And please remember you are a strong women, even though you may not feel it. you will come out of this the other side and in years to come you will be the one offering someone else your support because you’ve been through it and survived.

they’re led to believe everything is fine and we’re both normal happy people who pay everything on time and can afford things like Christmas

I would be so, so upset if one of my dds felt like you did. Please tell them (if they are nice and you get on with them)

Otherwise tell your dp to buy a tree and a turkey and let him get on with it. If he doesn't, then its not your fault.

I couldn't live like this OP.

Don’t feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong and the more you keep this a secret the less likely it is to change.

I’ve just read your update - please don’t feel embarrassed to go to your parents. Believe me my parents knew but didn’t want to interfere. Once I told them they were amazing support. And I’m sure your parents would not want you to suffer.

I think your parents would be horrified to learn that you were keeping the truth of your situation from them and putting on a fake and happy face when you see them and would be willing to help you get back on your feet on your own. Don’t worry about the embarrassment, getting over that is the first step to getting out of a horrendous situation. Your partner being an alcoholic is not your fault. letting your children grow up in an unstable and chaotic household is another matter. Get them out of there.

If you were my daughter I would want you safe, happy and loved. Please tell your parents so they can help you

To be honest I’d feel a bit embarrassed and shamed going to my parents - they’re led to believe everything is fine and we’re both normal happy people who pay everything on time and can afford things like Christmas

Wouldn’t your parents rather know the truth and be able to support you, whether emotionally, physically or whatever? Assuming you have a good relationship with them, take a deep breath and tell them.

I think I would show your parents what you have put here , don't shut them out , and this is not your fault . You are doing all you can to mitigate the effects ,which shows how strong you are even though you may not feel like it .

Hugs 🤗 truthfully you’d probably be financially better off on your own but I know it’s not that easy to walk away.

Does he work? If he’s working and you are the stay at home parent he really should be paying the vast majority, if not all of the rent and bills. You shouldn’t have to ask.

I really feel for you though. Christmas is a stressful time. I find it incredibly stressful and I am not in your situation anymore (I have been)

I love the build up to Christmas but the day itself is stressful so I completely understand that.

My sons father was kinda similar. He drank a lot too. Not every day but he would drink Thursday through to Saturday (his days off were Friday and Saturdays). He’d spend all his money on drink and himself. I was pregnant and penniless as had to give up work. I was on a temp contact and when my contract was up I was heavily pregnant and really ill (due to the stress most probably). Things can and will get better! I had to claim benefits and I got all my rent paid but I know things are much harder for single parents now and I am no longer in that situation.

Also, it doesn’t matter how much children have. Honestly two year olds don’t care how many presents they have.

Please tell your parents. You shouldn't have to live like this. Can you go and stay with them for a while? Honestly just leave, it won't get better

I've been this child. The scars have impacted me for life.

I can understand why you'd feel embarrassed and ashamed - but this is not your embarrassment and shame. You and your children are casualties of your partner's alcohol addiction.

I've got another option for you to consider - going to one of the many charities that put on a meal and a gift for those going through hard times. Just you and your child. It will be warm, there will be good food, there will be sympathetic non judgmental people whose sole aim is to give comfort and hope to those in need. I'm guessing you'll think it's not for the likes of you - but it is!

I do think that it would be good for your DP to be left to his own devices this Christmas, without you trying to paper over the cracks with a pretence of Christmas. As much as anything, I'm guessing he'll just use it as another excuse to get pissed. You don't want to be around that. And you don't want your DC to be around that.

This is so sad 😥 I think that if you can you should try and have a mini christmas. Split the presents between birthday and xmas, see if you can get a christmas tree off Facebook market place (there's loads free right now as people upgrade) and maybe if you have a small roast with sausages or something.

Have you thought about asking womens aid for advice? You don't have enough money for meals some weeks, and money you do have is used for drinking. I would consider this financial abuse :-(

I really feel for you OP

Open up to your parents. Better to be with them than in your current situation. Please. This is no way to live.

I agree with others regarding leaving him. I think you know that you're better off without him. I know you cant afford to stay where you are, but what about a ond bedroom flat? Would that leave you with enough money afterwards? I think give christmas a miss this year. It's more important to have food than decorations and gifts.

There are lots of things that we won't do for ourselves that we will do for out DC.

Do you want Christmas 2020 to be like this for your DD (and DC2)?

To be honest I’d feel a bit embarrassed and shamed going to my parents - they’re led to believe everything is fine and we’re both normal happy people who pay everything on time and can afford things like Christmas

It doesn't sound as if you have an acrimonious relationship with your parents. Ok, it might be embarrassing and you might feel a bit of a failure going to them and asking for help. But if you start to think of it as "I'm going to do this even if its embarrassing because it's the best for DD " rather than "I have to ask them to help me out" does it make it any easier?

Lots of love to you OP, definitely don't worry about Christmas, but as pp said, please stop keeping this secret for him. It does no one else any good and it makes it harder for things to change. You're working against yourself, which adds to your stress.

He says you won't get any money from him - what a gent! - but do you know if you're entitled to any? Legal advice may be helpful.

Find an Al-Anon group: www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

My mum was in your situation and went home to live with her parents (with me) while she sorted herself. It was all fine in the end. She was 7st and sick with stress every morning when she left my dad, but in a few years she got remarried, bought a house, moved, got a better job etc and flourished. This was back when everyone thought a divorced woman with a child was damaged goods, who would ever want her etc, which isn't the same kind of big deal now. I had a very close, loving relationship with my grandparents for the rest of their lives, which I attribute to us all living together during this crisis.

Can you look at a food bank to get some food? I find it astounding that he's drinking away his children's food :(

Please please tell your parents. And I’m sure they’d love you to be there even if they are working. Can you go stay with them?

And does he have a salaried or contracted job? If so you can claim child benefits from him- there is some website you can work out how much if you know how much he earns roughly. If he’s self employed /cash in hand he might be able to hide his income so it’s harder. If he won’t pay child benefits you can apply to have it taken from his bank account. (There is some charge so either he has to pay more or you get less after fees but it’s a hell of a lot better than nothing)

OP, please go to your parents. My DH is an alcoholic and I totally understand you wanting to keep the fact that all isn't rosy. I really do.
But I also have adult DDs, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I'm sure your parents would too. Even if they are at work, you and your DD can have some breathing space and some time together.

And speak to women's aid about your options to leave. I wish I had done. So do my DDs.

You are going through a very hard time and your DP is an arse.

We have an alcoholic as a family member. Unreliable towards his own wife and small family, and often violent and abusive too. He is divorced now, lost his home, has never reliably held down a job, has never paid a bill in his life and has had no contact with his child for well over a decade now.

This is likely to get worse rather than better. Tell your parents the truth. See what help they are able to offer. If you were my daughter I would want to know the real situation so that I could help.

Please do tell you parents what is actually going on. You don't need to hide it or feel ashamed because his behaviour isn't your fault. It isn't your fault. Just keep repeating that as many times as you need til you feel it.
You need to reach out and speak to them - however hard it is. You can push through the fear and just tell them the truth. If you were my daughter I would want you to tell me what is really going on.