Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU to cancel holiday for DD agreed 26?

164 replies

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 03:28

DD, 26 is trying to pursue a career in music. As a result she has never held a conventional job for long, has little money and has lived on and off in properties that I own. I charge her less than market rent but she often falls behind on payment and has in the past said that since I am financially secure, I should let her live rent free. Through contacts with a friend of mine I got her well paid job but she left after 3 weeks. She suffers from depression. I have tried to help but she frequently lashes out at me verbally and I'm finding it very stressful.

I popped in to see her about a month ago because she was down. She exploded said that I was manipulative by turning up unannounced and asked me to give her space. She moved out and did not tell me where she was going. I still don't know where she is living. I have flights booked to see friends over New Year. This morning I messaged her to ask if she still wanted to come. She called me back and said my messaging of her was manipulative and asking for apologies for previous manipulative behaviour on my part.

However I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. If I don't contact her she tells me I am heartless and uncaring and if I do contact her she tells me I'm manipulating her. I now want to cancel the trip as I know it is going to be unpleasant to have her around.

AIBU

OP posts:

Lampan · 28/11/2019 03:33

Have you booked her flight already? I would just go without her.

Horehound · 28/11/2019 03:34

Em it does not sound like she is going.
Just go on your own.
I'd also be inclined no to keep bailing her out, she's and adult responsible for herself and maybe she needs to see that to start appreciating you. And if she does, don't start pandering to her again.
Sorry op sounds a bit crap. I'd also message one final time and say ok, you know where I am if you want to talk and just leave her to it.

Ponoka7 · 28/11/2019 03:40

I don't think that you should cancel he flights.

Have you ever had a normal relationship with her? What made you message her rather than phone, or not leave it for a while?

In what way do you try to help her depression?

Justmuddlingalong · 28/11/2019 03:42

I'd leave her to stew for a while. Maybe she'll be in a less hostile frame of mind after you've had a great time with your friends over New Year.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 28/11/2019 03:44

She sounds like a spoilt brat, sorry. You messaging her is not manipulative!
She clearly needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself, I'd leave her to it.

doxxed · 28/11/2019 03:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 03:46

The flight is already booked.

I messaged her rather than phoned her because when we last spoke she told me to leave her alone and give her space because she found interacting with me very 'triggering'.

I felt that our relationship was normal when she was growing up but she has said that she felt unloved. with hindsight I think I was a bit too strict when she was growing up but I was genuinely trying to do my best. (I was a single parent for most of her childhood.)

Regarding the depression, I try to be there for her when she wants to talk and although the conversations can be painful she often gets in touch afterwards to say it made her feel better.

OP posts:

GlamGiraffe · 28/11/2019 03:47

I'd go without her, and, hard as it is, take a back seat and stay away. She has always been reliant on you and whilst so it's easy for her to have her tantrums but forget how fortunate she really is. As soon as that support retracts and isnt forthcoming shexwill find herself having to approach you rather than you , as she sees it chasing her. Shes relying on the fact you will follow up on her every few weeks/months so she knows her lifeline is there to grab. See what happens when she thinks shes scared you away and it isnt.
Shes not going to be helpful anyway so there"s little benefit to contacting her and perpetuating the situation at this stage. Stand back for a bit and leave it, of course that's far, far easier said than done.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 03:52

@doxxed We've had many conversations about her depression. She says it stemmed from when she was 18 months old when I split with her father. She saw very little of him after that. they are now in touch with each other but he lives in the US.

I don't necessarily want her to apologise I just want her to stop attacking me.

I think the complaints that I am manipulating her is attention-seeking behaviour on her behalf.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2019 03:55

Stop pandering to her manipulative bullshit. She has been taking advantage of you for years and her sense of entitlement is truly off the charts. Go on your trip and cancel her ticket. It's time for your daughter to grow up and join the real world.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 04:07

@aquamarine1029 I know she is being manipulative but I feel trapped as she often tells me she feels suicidal. I think subconsciously I give In to her because I don't want her to kill herself. She took an overdose when she was 17. We had fallen out and she was staying with her grandmother.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 28/11/2019 04:16

You have supported, encouraged and helped her. You get grief if you contact her. You get grief if you don't contact her. You don't know where she's living. Take a step back and allow her to learn some resilience, while you try and get some relief from the stress and worry.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 04:36

@Justmuddlingalong Easier said than done, but sound advice.

OP posts:

Rock4please · 28/11/2019 05:06

I am following this thread with interest as I am in a similar situation, albeit my DD is a bit younger, at 21. We love each other very much but she has a history of depression and when she is down, which is often, I find it difficult to know how to respond, as she seems to take it out on me and whatever I do is wrong. I totally get the damned if you do and damned if you don't, and although she has never made any attempts on her life, I could never forgive myself or recover if she did do something and I felt that I could have prevented it.

MorvaanReed · 28/11/2019 05:14

Op, do you have any psychological support? Perhaps it would help to have some impartial, knowledgeable support to work out what to do?

ukgift2016 · 28/11/2019 05:20

You are enabling your daughter poor behaviour. Your job as a mother is to promote her independence and prepare her for the adult world. Instead she lives in a fantasy land, you have allowed her to live in your properties where she defaults on payments and she does not even have a job.

Cut the apron strings and take a step back. By continuing to mollycoddle her you are causing your daughter even greater harm by not allow her to live the realities of the world.

You have raised a spoilt brat and I think a part of you likes the fact your daughter so dependant on you which is why you won't step away.

FraglesRock · 28/11/2019 05:23

I remember your previous posts. You said you weren't always the best parent to her when she was growing up.
Maybe you need to draw a line and stop letting her make you feel guilty if it wasn't an abusive home?
Send her one message in a week asking her to discuss the trip. If she doesn't reply or is nasty I'd cancel it.
She's 26 not 16, if she's still struggling with her childhood she needs to sort a councillor.
And I'd stop letting her stay with you, she leaves you in debt with not a care. If she doesn't have to pay rent you'll have brought up a scrounged, she needs responsibility and a job.

Tetraread · 28/11/2019 05:50

So she is happy enough to let you enable her continue with music rather than getting an actual job, and blames her depression on you and her dad splitting up; does she blame him too? Would she rather you stayed together even if miserable just to please her? I would go alone, if she had a go because your turned up to a property you own that she has been living in more or less rent free to support here, then I wouldn't bother. I'm not dismissing her depression, it sounds like she could do with some professional support, but it's not fair for her to be essentially blackmailing you with what ifs. Also we are all human, I'm sure you did the best that you could.

PlumsGalore · 28/11/2019 05:54

I agree, I think you would both benefit from counselling. My otherwise lovely DD suffered with depression and low self esteem earlier this year and it was like walking on eggshells, everything I did was wrong. Five months later she is better and stronger and lovely again.

I think it would help you too.

BlueJava · 28/11/2019 06:12

Go to NY on your own and enjoy it! Maybe it would do her good just to be by herself. You seems to have done a lot for her at 26 I wouldn''t be letting her live in a property rent free.

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 28/11/2019 06:27

I think allowing her to live in one of your properties was a privilege, not a right and she has now lost that right by defaulting on payments. She has taken advantage of your generosity and is taking the piss out of you because she knows that eventually you'll back down and give in to what she wants to prevent any further fall out and has the very handy 'but I'm so depressed and you're triggering me' card to pull out whenever you try and deal with it.

For the record I know what it's like to live with crippling mental health issues similar to your daughter and I find it disgusting to use such issues to control your family.

She is your child and always will be, in the short term you may think you're helping but you need to think of the long term. She's an adult, if she can't grasp paying rent on time and holding down a job (she can boost her music career in spare time) now at 26, when is she going to? Are you still going to be funding her at 36? 46?

You're entitled to have a loving relationship with your daughter while not being made a mug out of, at her age it should be a respectful relationship between two adults rather than a parent/child one, get her some help if needs be but stop taking the shit she gives you or else you'll be taking it forever.

Summercamping · 28/11/2019 06:34

It sounds as though you have done, and are doing, your best, which is all any of us can do.

Carrying somebody else's mental health issues is very tough, so I would seek out counselling for yourself for support.

Courtney555 · 28/11/2019 06:42

There's definitely more to this.

She finds contact from you manipulative. You simply turned up unannounced (DM does this weekly, it's very standard), and the response was to move out and not inform you where.

Something isn't adding up here OP.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/11/2019 06:43

She sounds like she entitled and manipulating, and very self centred. Time for tough love. Go without her.

katewhinesalot · 28/11/2019 06:47

I'd message her one last time and say that you'll leave her alone as requested but that you'll always be there for her as you love her. Tell her the ball is now in her court. Say that you'll go on your own over Xmas but of course she's welcome if she wants to come. Assume she's not coming unless you hear otherwise.

Time to step back. She's 26 and doesn't need mummy trying to make it better. You can only be there for her if she asks for help.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7