AIBU to cancel holiday for DD agreed 26?

[Felinefancier]

DD, 26 is trying to pursue a career in music. As a result she has never held a conventional job for long, has little money and has lived on and off in properties that I own. I charge her less than market rent but she often falls behind on payment and has in the past said that since I am financially secure, I should let her live rent free. Through contacts with a friend of mine I got her well paid job but she left after 3 weeks. She suffers from depression. I have tried to help but she frequently lashes out at me verbally and I'm finding it very stressful.

I popped in to see her about a month ago because she was down. She exploded said that I was manipulative by turning up unannounced and asked me to give her space. She moved out and did not tell me where she was going. I still don't know where she is living. I have flights booked to see friends over New Year. This morning I messaged her to ask if she still wanted to come. She called me back and said my messaging of her was manipulative and asking for apologies for previous manipulative behaviour on my part.

However I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. If I don't contact her she tells me I am heartless and uncaring and if I do contact her she tells me I'm manipulating her. I now want to cancel the trip as I know it is going to be unpleasant to have her around.

AIBU

In your position, where this situation is draining you emotionally, I'd be inclined to message her one last time stating some things quite clearly -

(a) she has until 'specified date' to confirm if she's travelling with you otherwise you will be cancelling the ticket.
(b) you don't how or when to contact her because you seem to be causing upset to her either way so can she suggest what would work best for her.

However, if you've reached the point of not wanting her to go with you you can change (a) to 'under the current circumstance you've cancelled her ticket but hope you can rearrange for another time when things are more settled between you'.

You can make decisions based on what you want and simply taking her into consideration but not adjusting to her (unreasonable) requests.

I'd write her a letter something like:

Dear daughter,

I am writing this down because I want you to know how I feel about the situation that you are in, I think it's better on paper because it is so difficult for us both. Firstly, I want you to know that I am always here for you and love you greatly. Because of that I would like us to be able to work together to find a way forward.

I understand that the past few years have been difficult and that it is very hard for you living with your depression, I find it hard as well. I would like to be their to support you as you work through this and help you to find a way for you to manage your condition and develop your independence, knowing that I am there for you if it is too hard.

I have found it hard as well, I am hoping that my break in New York will give us some breathing space to be able to relax and rest over the holiday period. If you would like to join me for some much needed rest and relaxation and a break from working to sort out all the issues then you would be most welcome. There are lots of things I'm sure you'd like to see in New York which you could do yourself, perhaps we could have some time together there as well as independent exploring time.

Love,
Mum

You have done your best OP, get some counselling for yourself and start to take a step back - for your sanity also.
You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Your daughter is acting like a young difficult teenager and this situation has no ham except of improving unless you take a different approach.
I’m not suggesting you cut her off or forget about her, she’s your child and I appreciate that you love her and will always want the best for her.
Find a good therapist or counsellor for you who can help you navigate your way through this.
In the meantime, the advise of other posters to let her know that you’re there for her always, that you love her but that the balls in her court to make contact is a good idea. Go on the holiday, with or without her, and don’t beg. She knows the offer stands but clearly at 26 appreciates little and has a bag of chips on her shoulder.

Oh my god your daughter is the reason millennials and Gen Z (I'm 24 so on the cusp) are called snowflakes.

She's a manipulative cow and is using depression as an excuse.

Don't contact her. Don't give her any more money. Cancel her flight.

@Fraglesrock
I remember your previous posts. You said you weren't always the best parent to her when she was growing up.
Maybe you need to draw a line and stop letting her make you feel guilty if it wasn't an abusive home?

I am trying to draw a line and stop her making me feel guilty. I do not believe it was an abusive home. Deep in my bones I know I should go on my own. Her ticket can't be cancelled but it wasn't that expensive.

It sounds like typical behaviour of someone really struggling with their mental health. Does she have counselling, regular gp support? Perhaps the best thing you can do to help her is find a private therapist

@katewhinesalot
Time to step back. She's 26 and doesn't need mummy trying to make it better. You can only be there for her if she asks for help.

She asked me for space so I did not contact her for a month I only contacted her (by email) to check if she still wanted to come. She rang me half an hour later and complained bitterly about the fact that I had not been in touch. And also telling me that I had been both abusive and manipulative to her.

I am going to step back because she is holding a gun to her head and effectively bullying me into doing what she wants with the (no so) veiled threat of suicide in the background.

Go on your own, rent out the property she has left & leave her to contact you.

Really feel for you OP. There seems to be so much of this angst between (usually) DDs and (usually) DMs these days. And there’s a script (used by DDs) which all too often includes accusations of manipulation, threats of self harm, an over inflated sense of entitlement and claims of being unloved when young. Leaving an often bewildered and guilty DM.

Perhaps because there is a greater openness and understanding of the benefits of talking about mental health problems these days in stark contrast to the war generations and their stoic ‘stiff upper lips’ and ‘keep calm and carry on’, the generation in between I.e. the mums, have got caught by the shifting attitudes. Our DCs have embraced the openness but are hurt that parents haven’t gone full on ‘you ok hun? [head tilt]’. The parents who were expected to get a job, be financially independent and move out in their 20s are a bit taken aback by DCs who don’t do that. But times are tough for a lot of younger people. We keep them dependent by expecting them to go on to higher education regardless of academic ability, the jobs and property market is very difficult (and v different from the past) and they are bombarded by so many messages and images in the media of what success and failure looks like, they end up frustrated and anxious.

Take a step back for now, send simple, gentle messages from time to time to remind her you are thinking of her. Let her make her own way now as she asks. Hopefully she will get back to you at soon point, but don’t try to fix her life or solve problems, just accept this is what she has chosen to do for now. Listen and be encouraging - as a friend more than a parent - so you can realign the dynamics of your relationship.

Good luck.

You can’t win with this one - as you said your in the wrong if you don’t contact and your in the wrong if you do contact.

Therefore

Send a text message

Sorry about contacting you, I feel if I don’t contact you think I don’t care and if I do contact I’m putting pressure. I will leave it to you in future to contact me & that way there isn’t any pressure. My door is always open take care much love mum

Give it back to dd, she is behaving in a very manipulative and spoilt way

Step back and look after your own well being as this is very destructive behaviour to deal with

CherryPavlova has it. Stop this cycle of abuse...and you are the abusee. In time you will have a much healthier relationship. But that will only happen after she has had a had road of realising how wrong she is.

@Beveren
You say she called you back - I assume by phone? How did you respond?

I was totally calm. I let her have her say and then pointed out that I genuinely did not intend to or even think I was manipulating her. The call lasted about 15 minutes and once I could see where it was going I recorded it. I've listen back to it and in one 30 second period of time she describes me as being abusive 4 times.

She did not raise her voice either but seemed very angry that I would not admit to my manipulation and abuse. I pointed out that I respected her views but I did not agree with them. She said that my manipulation was not her opinion it was fact.

I was very tempted to hang up but I remained calm to the end of the phone call told her I loved her and she said she would think about whether or not she wanted to come on the trip.

I think she was trying to goad to me into either shouting, losing my temper all hanging up. I did none of those things but absorbing the body blows of her accusations has left me reeling emotionally.

There is no issue about my going alone as I'm going to stay with friends.

Op how many children do you have?

Poor you, OP.

Children, including adult ones, are very able to make us feel crap one way or another.

I wouldn't cancel your trip, but I wouldn't take DD with you either.

You absolutely can't win this one. If you don't contact her, you're uncaring. If you do, you're manipulative. You could perhaps email her to this effect (reminding her that you love her, but saying that this situation is no longer tenable, and that you can't and won't feel guilty for ever).

This also sticks out to me from your OP: She moved out and did not tell me where she was going. I still don't know where she is living

One of my DC lives in a property that I own. If he moved out and didn't tell me where he was going, I'd be re-letting said property to a proper tenant who didn't mess me around (Would, obviously, give him warning: "Sorry, DS: as you have moved out without telling me, and have given me no indication of your plans, I am assuming you no longer want to live there. If we have not resolved this by XXX date, I will be putting it on the rental market"...)

Op whatever you do won't be right in your daughters eyes. Her behaviour sounds as if her personality is now disordered. You can't win so save yourself and your own sanity
Make no more contact. Evict her from your property if she doesn't pay the rent as, no doubt, she's claiming housing benefit to keep herself housed. This will be mighty tough but I think anything else at this stage will be enabling her continued behaviour. She doesn't really need to try to live in the adult world while you continue to support her. Also go on your break alone. Don't even mention it again. I'd bet if she cane she would cause a last minute drama in order to sabotage it anyway

Also op have a look at the website out of the fog to see if you recognise your daughters behaviour described

She sounds like shes stuck n the toddler years.When everything in teh world resolves around them.

Do you have other children?

You posted while I was writing, OP.

she said she would think about whether or not she wanted to come on the trip

Mine have occasionally done me the great favour of "thinking about" whether they want a treat. In that situation, I have told them they need not bother thinking too hard, as the invitation is no longer open. It tends to focus their minds.

@Urmasellsavon
Find a good therapist or counsellor for you who can help you navigate your way through this.

I have a good therapist whose considered opinion is that DD is manipulating me. She's projecting onto me all the things that she is actually doing. her behaviour is abusive to me so she is accusing me of being abusive. She is (trying to) manipulate me so she is accusing me of being manipulative.

I have extremely high levels of anxiety and depression and am diagnosed with PTSD. Despite this I am very high functioning and according to my therapist I can put up with phenomenal levels of abuse (as a result of childhood parental physical and emotional advise) but even I crack eventually.

For the first time in my adult life I am sane, single and solvent.

I know that for the protection of my own mental health I need to keep my distance DD.

God she sounds like a complete brat.......she was raised by a single parent after her dad fucked off ?? So what, millions of kids in the UK are raised under similar circumstances and don't use it as a get out of jail free card to be a lazy twat for the rest of their lives.

Tell her to grow the hell up, stop giving her money. Make her pay her way.......and FFS change your will so the local cats home inherits when you croak. Not some brat who's probably banking on all your wealth being hers one day.

She is an adult. You have tried your best and she just throws it back in your face, just because she is your Daughter it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Let her lead an adult life, stop babying her and then, just maybe you will have a better relationship

OP something stood out for me - you say you 'might have been a bit too strict' when your daughter was growing up?
My mother said this once. The reality was that she and my father were violently abusive in the name of 'discipline'. I am NC with them now after they started 'disciplining' my son.
If you've suffered an abusive childhood yourself, is it possible that you in turn repeated these learned behaviours as a parent yourself?

If the ticket can't be cancelled.
Then I would probably ask her for an address where I could send it, and then leave it up to her whether she comes or not.

She does need counselling herself but if she isn't ready to engage then you can't force it.

Well - for everyone putting the blame on the young adult rather than the parent.....you've clearly failed her as a parent when she was younger and this is the result.

You can't just give someone a bad childhood and then say oh well you're grown up - I now expect you to behave as if you were well raised.

@BishopBoniface
Mine have occasionally done me the great favour of "thinking about" whether they want a treat.

Oh that happens all the time!

I offered to help with a deposit on a house if she got herself in a position where she could get a mortgage. She got a good job but only stayed three weeks and decided that it was not worth it, even though with a house she could have had lodgers to pay the mortgage and and that would have helped fund her singing career. She would only have had to keep the job for a few months to qualify for a mortgage.