AIBU to cancel holiday for DD agreed 26?

[Felinefancier]

DD, 26 is trying to pursue a career in music. As a result she has never held a conventional job for long, has little money and has lived on and off in properties that I own. I charge her less than market rent but she often falls behind on payment and has in the past said that since I am financially secure, I should let her live rent free. Through contacts with a friend of mine I got her well paid job but she left after 3 weeks. She suffers from depression. I have tried to help but she frequently lashes out at me verbally and I'm finding it very stressful.

I popped in to see her about a month ago because she was down. She exploded said that I was manipulative by turning up unannounced and asked me to give her space. She moved out and did not tell me where she was going. I still don't know where she is living. I have flights booked to see friends over New Year. This morning I messaged her to ask if she still wanted to come. She called me back and said my messaging of her was manipulative and asking for apologies for previous manipulative behaviour on my part.

However I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. If I don't contact her she tells me I am heartless and uncaring and if I do contact her she tells me I'm manipulating her. I now want to cancel the trip as I know it is going to be unpleasant to have her around.

AIBU

I really feel for you @Felinefancier but I think you need professional support. Not sure of your fiances or location but the UK expert in this is Prof Tanya Byron. I'd really recommend you try to see her for advice. She also has a weekly Q&A page in The Times and you can write to her there (it's all anon). www.professortanyabyron.com/clinician/clinical-work.php

continue with music rather than getting an actual job ffs music can be an actual job just like any other. It just sounds like the DD isn't being particularly successful at it.

OP I wouldn't cancel the flights, but I'd also give her the space she wants. As a PP said, if she shows up that's grand, if she doesn't then there's your answer. I'm sorry, this must be very painful.

Well - for everyone putting the blame on the young adult rather than the parent.....you've clearly failed her as a parent when she was younger and this is the result.

Well done you. You get my first Fuck Off of the day my dear 👍

Are drugs/weed involved ? You have described the female equivalent of my brother who smokes weed everyday!!

My own take on it all is that you are over-compensating because of your relationship in the past- maybe being overly strict, guilt over marriage break up and her father - and she knows this.

She herself clearly needs counselling- has this been offered by GP for her MH issues? Have you suggested that to her?

She has issues but your behaviour is feeding them. She's manipulating you. It's clear you care and love her. She knows this. She's turning the screws on you, using you as a punch bag for her own unhappiness because she feels safe 'wounding' you - she knows you will keep the door open (literally!) and be there for her.

I am not an expert but my suggestion is you maintain a non-emotional relationship with her as far as you can. Tell her you love her, care for her and will do anything you can BUT that she is now 26 and needs to take responsibility too which means asking for professional help- counselling at least.

I'd set up- in your own mind- boundaries around contact with her. Maybe a weekly check-in? A call or text? I think you need to give her space and allow her to come to you rather than always doing the running. At the moment you are on the back foot and she is pulling all the strings. That imbalance has to change and you need to change your behaviour to make her change hers.

You'd benefit from family therapy but at 26 she may not be willing to do that.

What a manipulative snowflake. You sound like you have done the best as a mum. Leave her to grow up and enjoy your holiday!

Could your daughter have emotionally unstable personality disorder? You are describing a lot of the behaviour and symptoms.

It sounds very difficult for you OP. I hope you have some real life support? Xxx

@Damntheman of course it can be, if you have experience and quals to go into sound production etc, or if you work part time alongside taking bookings etc; pretty sure sitting on your arse at home doesn't really qualify as an actual job that brings in money.

@ivykaty44

I have 2 DDs. The 26 y/o is my oldest, other DD is 24. Younger DD also wants to be a musician but has got a day job. She is also depressed and is on medication. She has explained to her employers about her depression and they seem to to make allowances for her.

I made the same offer to her that I did to her older sister which is if she got herself in a position where she could get a mortgage I would help with the deposit on a house. She seems to be trying hard to to get there whilst also being in a band.

When I mentioned 'NY', I meant the New Year not New York. The trip is to France, DD 24 is coming on the trip.

I try not to compare the two to each other but it's noticeable that when DD24 is down and comes to stay with me for a couple of days; when I need my space back and ask her to leave and she's generally thankful for the respite and and goes home.

If I ask DD26 to leave all hell would break loose.

@Felinefancier I mean this kindly- you clearly have money so use it for professional help.

Go on that holiday. If she wants to come, she will. I doubt she will be unpleasant in company.

Your DD sounds as if she is stuck in adolescence. SHE needs help. She's behaving like a truculent teen.She's clearly unhappy. This pipe dream of getting into music is a bit of a red herring- it's a way of putting off getting a real job. Has she been to uni? Does she have any qualifications? How has she lived till now without work?

If she knows you will always pick up the tab for her, it's not giving her any incentive to stick with anything.

Maybe ( as well as getting therapy for you and her) you need to create some expectations and boundaries. I'd be tempted to say there were no more handouts or your generous cheap rents have a limit to 3 or 6 months, after which she's on her own. Clearly the flat you gave her to live in and she's now left could be put back on the market so first step would be to tell her you are going to re-let it in 3 months so she has to decide if she wants it or not - and follow through.

In other words, woman-up!

Huh so you have the scapegoat/golden child set up with your two daughters.
The more I read the more I feel sorry for your older daughter. There is much you aren't telling us OP.

Wow, sounds just like my own sister! Sounds like she doesn't have any other siblings? If she did you might have found yourself being reassured that it's not just you as a parent but just her as a person that's the issue. I'm 27, married, make good money as a freelancer and have a one year old and another on the way, and also own my own four bedroom home. My sister is 30 in January, has barely held down a job and moved out for a week and a half before going back to my mum's. She's also threatened suicide many times and calls my mum manipulative. It's very hard for a mum to pull ties but you've tried your best. If you really are that financially stable and have all these properties maybe save yourself the trouble and just let her stay for free. Sounds like she's going to have issues her whole life and at least you don't both have to live together? I accept that my mum (who is in debt) has spend thousands upon thousands more on my one sister than the other two of us, but she has issues and whether her behaviour is nasty or not (it often is), it doesn't change the fact she needs help. Just try to unburden yourself of the guilt of what is best to do, she's not going to suddenly change at 26 due to you giving her one harsh life lesson x

Op, I think it is high time you forgave yourself for doing your level best for your daughter. You may have had to run a tight ship to keep it together for her, you are only human and do not have unlimited energy. YOU DID YOUR BEST with the resources that you had at the time.

It seems to me that you feel you could have done better, and your dd is using this 'weakness' she senses to capitalise on your guilt. Holding this over you to extract everything she wants. It is time to stop allowing her to do this op. Seriously. None of us are perfect parents, all of us make mistakes but you did your best, you have been there for her every step of the way.

I would write to her for your own benefit, and tell you that you have loved and looked after her all of her life, you have done your level best as a single parent to give her the best childhood possible. I would explain that you found it very hard, and that is all you could in the circumstances. Tell her you are proud of what you have achieved - solvent and together against all the odds. And you wish this for her. I would tell you that you intend to go to NY, and you will not contact her as you respect her wishes for space.
Tell her you love her, and always will.

And leave it at that.

Go to NY, have a break from her and the drama and start putting some distance between you until she is able to treat you with respect as a bare minimum.

You do not need to be her emotional punchbag. You must not feel guilty for doing your best, and in the end she has to work this out herself op. She has support, she has her dreams and she is more than capable of looking after herself. Boundaries op is what you need, and more of them.

After your update....

SO many kids 'want to get into music' (whatever that means- what exactly do they want to do?)

But they soon realise it's a tough world and only the very best make it in the arts. Reality sets in and they get a day job!

Is your generosity enabling them to live in a bit of a fantasy world?

I think there is a danger with parents who are wealthy to enable their children to pursue dreams- and eventually they crash.

Have you ever had a serious chat with your DD about work, training, the realities of her 'dreams'? Do you need to tell some hard truths?

That's horrible @DearTeddyRobinson You know NOTHING so stop being so mean to the OP. Armchair psych!

@JinglingHellsBells
My own take on it all is that you are over-compensating because of your relationship in the past- maybe being overly strict, guilt over marriage break up and her father - and she knows this.

I think you are 100% correct. I grew up in an abusive home with what my therapist has termed "life-threatening levels of violence" I vowed never to treat my own children this way. I was never physically abusive and provided a very good material standard of life when they were growing up but I think I may have been emotionally distant.

I am only aware of this because I have spent a few years in therapy myself and uncovered quite a lot of stuff that I was totally unaware of.

I liked what @ivykaty44 wrote

Sorry about contacting you, I feel if I don’t contact you think I don’t care and if I do contact I’m putting pressure. I will leave it to you in future to contact me & that way there isn’t any pressure. My door is always open take care much love mum

But I think it needs a line to say that I find your requests for money or lodgings to trigger my mental health so those requests will be denied from now on.

If she's so keen on how her mental health is affected she can accept how she's upsetting you.

Ah just saw you do have another daughter! Try not to compare them, it really adds fuel to the fire and my sister is entirely resentful and said I'd been the favourite my whole life (I was for a reason!)

@JinglingHellsBells we only know one side of the story. Plenty of posters here are diagnosing the OP's daughter with all sorts of disorders. My point is that my own abusive mother would probably post something very similar. If the OP truly wants to resolve the situation she will need to take an honest look at her own behaviour.
The difficult daughter didn't come out of nowhere.

when I need my space back and ask her to leave and she's generally thankful for the respite and and goes home.

I find this odd.

Why do you need space after a couple of days? Surely that isn't your limit of having a DD home? I'd be very hurt if my own mum ever asked me to leave as she needed space and I'd not dream of saying that to my own DD!

@DearTeddyRobinson Ah so you are coming to this based on having an abusive mum. You are making assumptions. She is NOT your mum and you are not the DD. Your comments are unhelpful.

Hang on

I try not to compare the two to each other but it's noticeable that when DD24 is down and comes to stay with me for a couple of days; when I need my space back and ask her to leave and she's generally thankful for the respite and and goes home

Does that mean that you kick out your depressed 'good' child when you have had enough?

When she says you're manipulative or abusive, what is she referring to? Does she give specific instances? I doubt very much that she is outright lying but she may well have convinced herself of something that wasn't really there.

@DearTeddyRobinson
Huh so you have the scapegoat/golden child set up with your two daughters.
The more I read the more I feel sorry for your older daughter. There is much you aren't telling us OP.

I've had times where I have not been getting on with DD24 as well. Last year we went around six months without speaking because she was being verbally abusive and obnoxious. She went to live with her boyfriend and got a job and I think eventually decided she wanted to be in a more respectful relationship with me.

She has told you to stop contacting her, keep that text then when she goes the other way you have proof. She is the one who has to see, help, and I know it’s worrying for you but you have to leave her to in and respect what she wants. Go 9n the holiday without her, carry on your life and wait for her to d9nta 5 you