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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to cancel holiday for DD agreed 26?

164 replies

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 03:28

DD, 26 is trying to pursue a career in music. As a result she has never held a conventional job for long, has little money and has lived on and off in properties that I own. I charge her less than market rent but she often falls behind on payment and has in the past said that since I am financially secure, I should let her live rent free. Through contacts with a friend of mine I got her well paid job but she left after 3 weeks. She suffers from depression. I have tried to help but she frequently lashes out at me verbally and I'm finding it very stressful.

I popped in to see her about a month ago because she was down. She exploded said that I was manipulative by turning up unannounced and asked me to give her space. She moved out and did not tell me where she was going. I still don't know where she is living. I have flights booked to see friends over New Year. This morning I messaged her to ask if she still wanted to come. She called me back and said my messaging of her was manipulative and asking for apologies for previous manipulative behaviour on my part.

However I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. If I don't contact her she tells me I am heartless and uncaring and if I do contact her she tells me I'm manipulating her. I now want to cancel the trip as I know it is going to be unpleasant to have her around.

AIBU

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 28/11/2019 09:11

I do think there's lots gone on that we don't know about. Op has posted this before a few times without the trip.
But at some point that child does need to grow up and be independent. And probably won't with cheap/never paid for lodgings.
So I think no matter the golden child scenario both children need to be treated the same. Pay your way in the world and I'll help with a deposit is was more than most get.
However your needing space from your child is quite an odd statement.

Chloemol · 28/11/2019 09:11

The last bit is contact you

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:14

@Meckity1
Does that mean that you kick out your depressed 'good' child when you have had enough?

She lives 15 minutes away in a shared house. When her housemates are getting on her nerves she comes to stay with me. I don't 'kick her out' I just ask her to go home. We talk a few times a week by WhatsApp or phone and she comes over to walk the dog when she can.

Neither of them are the good child, they are just different. I'm trying to find a balance between supporting my children and and maintaining my emotional equilibrium.

OP posts:
Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:18

@chloemol

She has told you to stop contacting her, keep that text then when she goes the other way you have proof.

She criticicised me for getting in touch. When I told her that I have not been in touch because she told me not to contact her she said she had now changed her mind.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/11/2019 09:24

since I am financially secure, I should let her live rent free

This has nothing to do with depression. I'm sorry, but you have a spoilt brat for a daughter.

Step back, completely. Stop enabling her.

She's an adult.

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:24

@Ihavetoomanyfeelings
I was going to quote part of your message to reply to but everything you said seems to be spot on. Thank you!

OP posts:
DearTeddyRobinson · 28/11/2019 09:26

@JinglingHellsBells no more than anyone else on this thread. In fact I picked up on something the OP said herself.
I think it's ridiculous and naive to assume we are getting the whole story - this is an anonymous forum, posters can easily say whatever they like to make themselves out to be the injured party, when the reality is likely far more nuanced.

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:27

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
The irony of it all is that I'm not actually financially secure. She thinks I am because I have more money than her but then I worked hard for the last 35 years. I have no pension so I am saving for my retirement.

OP posts:
DearTeddyRobinson · 28/11/2019 09:28

So both of your daughters have a various points gone temporarily NC with you?
I think you need a major reset of the relationships here. Would they be amenable to some family therapy?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 28/11/2019 09:29

I could have been your daughter 20 years ago (I am now in my mid forties). My mum bent over backwards for me emotionally, and the more she gave the more I took.
One day she kindly but firmly told me to eff off and stand on my own two feet. She'd always be there for me but she was no longer going to put me before herself. It worked. We have a fantastic relationship and I am in awe of her in general.

Damntheman · 28/11/2019 09:32

Lol @Tetraread three members of my immediate family are professional instrumentalists who don't work other jobs on the side. Just that, just performing. It's very possible to do that as a real job. You don't know that the daughter here has been sitting on her arse doing nothing and claiming to work in music. If she has then I agree she's being ridiculous, but that doesn't stop music from being a very valid job.

Meckity1 · 28/11/2019 09:32

Yep, you kick your 'good' daughter out when you have had enough of her.

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:33

@spacepyramid thank for the draft letter - much appreciated.

OP posts:
Considermesometimes · 28/11/2019 09:34

I think you are very damaged op, your last updates indicate someone emotionally damaged. Although you have been in therapy for the last few years, it would seem the damage has already been done to your dds.

I suggest family therapy for all of you, someone neutral to draw up the boundaries, rules and a way forward.

You seem to be a vicious circle of need, deprivation and abuse, then nc. With both dds. You need some professional help now before it is too late the family is fractured beyond repair.

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:35

@dickiedavisthunderthighs
She'd always be there for me but she was no longer going to put me before herself. It worked. We have a fantastic relationship and I am in awe of her in general.

Thank you for this that's exactly what I'm trying to do with DD I want to be there for her but not at the expense of my own emotional well-being.

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 28/11/2019 09:41

I'd leave her to it. Let her find out what 'unloved' really feels like.

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:42

@Considermesometimes
I think you are very damaged op, your last updates indicate someone emotionally damaged. Although you have been in therapy for the last few years, it would seem the damage has already been done to your dds.

Not sure which update you mean? I acknowledge I am damaged but I don't think you're in a position to judge how much.

I have tried not to pass on to my DDs any of the harm that was done to me. But years of therapy and various kinds of counselling have shown me that even with the best will in the world a parent will pass on some of their dysfunction to their children.

The question is where do we go from here. Letting my daughter be abusive towards me does not help either of us. Whilst I can acknowledge (and apologise for) the past I cannot go back and change it.

I do not believe that I was emotionally abusive to her when she was a child but she thinks so and I acknowledge her feelings.

OP posts:
Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:50

@Riojasmoothy

This could be my daughter too. I am finding myself taking a step back for self preservation now she is an adult. I refuse to let her be rude and tell her I'm leaving/hanging up the phone but she knows where I am when she can be respectful. Depression isn't an excuse to be vile to those who love you. You are just the "safe" person to project the anger onto but that isn't okay.
It is clear that you are not the one manipulating here. Don't allow the cycle to continue. Show you love her but will not be used and abused.

Thank you, that is exactly what I'm trying to do.

OP posts:
Hanab · 28/11/2019 09:53

OP maybe its time to set them free but most importantly yourself..

If they want their space give it to them .. you have to take care of you first! Go on your vacation... maybe the time away will do you good in all aspects of your life.. that is being away from everyone and everything that you deal with ..

It will also allow your daughter (26) her ‘freedom’ .. you won’t be ‘manipulating’ her .. she can just be ..

Turn your phone off and as much as you will be worried about her, you won’t be gone forever .. but just a little while .. she will be okay .. and it is okay to think of yourself too ..

We all have demons we are fighting but no one can take care of our well being better than ourselves and that means sometimes being selfish and taking time out solely for us ..

If your daughter was younger I would say it is not nice to leave her and you should take her with you.. however she is a fully fledged adult.. some one who can can take care of her self and stand on her own feet, make decisions and be responsible for choices she chooses to make .. you can support from afar .. but you do not have to be her punching bag 🌷

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:58

@Grandmi
Yes she smokes weed. Not sure if she's smoking now but she has gone to narcotics anonymous in the past.

OP posts:
Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 09:59

@hanab

you can support from afar .. but you do not have to be her punching bag

Thank you because I do feel Punch-Drunk at the moment.

OP posts:
Tetraread · 28/11/2019 10:00

@Considermesometimes have you ever had to deal with something similar? I'm not really sure what the mum always gets blamed for the behaviour of adult children. It's bloody hard, and yes, sometimes you have to think of yourself. My sibling treats my parents the same as it's disgusting to be honest, we had the same unbringing, opportunities and support. I'm not sure who you think you are to tell OP she has damaged her daughter's.

Considermesometimes · 28/11/2019 10:01

Op, I am also a survivor of child abuse, I understand how hard it is. It was in no way a criticism of you just an acknowledgement of your position. You have said yourself that you are emotionally distant. It is a way to protect yourself, and is completely understandable after what you have already been through.

You have come from a childhood of abuse, and you find yourself back there again now in a different form, because of a lack of boundaries. I have the same problem. If you did not put boundaries in place that were strong enough when they were younger, in an effort to be the best mother you could be/make up for the shortcomings of the girls father then we can not be surprised that further down the line, both dds overstep the mark in the way they treat you.

This is not your fault, nor theirs actually.

They have been allowed to get away with far too much, and it is going to be harder to put those lines in place now that they are older. I think you need some help with it, proper help so that they listen.

Your dd sounds like a classic case of wishing to be a famous musician, with you facilitating her dream, and then the crushing disappointment of realising she is just average and ordinary like the rest of the world. And in fact even those famous musicians are just average and ordinary. A sense of depression and futility can follow, and should lift when she finds another avenue to enjoy her life, but she needs to do this herself. You can not do it for her.

You have done your best, cut yourself some slack, cut the dds some slack. In the end it can be a hard slog, this thing called life. Send them your love, go on holiday and get some family therapy in place. Sell it to your dds that you wish to listen to their POV with someone there to assist, and ask them to come. You will all benefit from a mediator.

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 10:09

@KnickerBockerAndrew

When she says you're manipulative or abusive, what is she referring to? Does she give specific instances? I doubt very much that she is outright lying but she may well have convinced herself of something that wasn't really there.

  1. She considers my allowing her to stay at a reduced rent to be my manipulating her with money. 2. She also specified the time I dropped round with the dog. She said I was using the dog to manipulate her into contact. (I took the dog round because she refers to her as the "therapy dog" and says when she is upset having the dog around helps calm her.)
  2. She also said that my lending her my car is manipulative because I then ask for return favours.
OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 28/11/2019 10:11

Enjoy your trip alone, you certainly wouldn't enjoy it with her.