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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel holiday for DD agreed 26?

164 replies

Felinefancier · 28/11/2019 03:28

DD, 26 is trying to pursue a career in music. As a result she has never held a conventional job for long, has little money and has lived on and off in properties that I own. I charge her less than market rent but she often falls behind on payment and has in the past said that since I am financially secure, I should let her live rent free. Through contacts with a friend of mine I got her well paid job but she left after 3 weeks. She suffers from depression. I have tried to help but she frequently lashes out at me verbally and I'm finding it very stressful.

I popped in to see her about a month ago because she was down. She exploded said that I was manipulative by turning up unannounced and asked me to give her space. She moved out and did not tell me where she was going. I still don't know where she is living. I have flights booked to see friends over New Year. This morning I messaged her to ask if she still wanted to come. She called me back and said my messaging of her was manipulative and asking for apologies for previous manipulative behaviour on my part.

However I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. If I don't contact her she tells me I am heartless and uncaring and if I do contact her she tells me I'm manipulating her. I now want to cancel the trip as I know it is going to be unpleasant to have her around.

AIBU

OP posts:
Beveren · 28/11/2019 06:48

You say she called you back - I assume by phone? How did you respond?

Riojasmoothy · 28/11/2019 06:49

This could be my daughter too. I am finding myself taking a step back for self preservation now she is an adult. I refuse to let her be rude and tell her I'm leaving/hanging up the phone but she knows where I am when she can be respectful. Depression isn't an excuse to be vile to those who love you. You are just the "safe" person to project the anger onto but that isn't okay.
It is clear that you are not the one manipulating here. Don't allow the cycle to continue. Show you love her but will not be used and abused.

Tigerty · 28/11/2019 06:52

Your DD needs her space. She has asked you for that. Shes even moved and won’t tell you where. Sounds like she needs to work out her relationship with you as her perception is different to yours. Give her space.

Go on your trip and have a good time.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 28/11/2019 06:56

She's 26? I think 26 is a difficult age as you are no longer properly young, people (Not unfairly) expect you to have a sense of what you are doing with regards to a career etc, but quite often many people are still struggling to find their way. She's trying to establish herself a career in music but it doesn't sound very successful so I imagine that would be frustrating for her. She also sounds like she might be jealous that you own properties and hasn't developed an understanding of how you acquired these things. (Presumably through working). She's realised she can get your attention by removing hers and blaming you for her depression, but she's an age where she has to take responsibility for her mental health and you can only be supportive.
Difficult to do, easy to say but I think you need to make it clear you're there for her but you won't be blamed. I would send a message saying that I was sorry she didn't want to come, take care and hopefully see you on my return.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 28/11/2019 06:56

What do people mean when they say they are being manipulated? or so and so is a manipulating person? Genuine question as I don't quite understand and it seems like quite a buzz word at the moment.

Loveislandaddict · 28/11/2019 06:57

Give her the option to confirm the trip bt xyz date, else you’ll be going by yourself. That’s normal planning, not manipulative.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 28/11/2019 06:59

nextphone if someone says/implies they will kill themselves if you don't do what they say, that's manipulation of the highest order.

EleanorReally · 28/11/2019 07:04

The flights arent for a while though?
can you just leave it for now? or were you intending to cancel the ticket?

Loveislandaddict · 28/11/2019 07:07

A manipulative person will say or do something to control your behaviour or thoughts. Also known as a cf.

Ie. A common example is someone who asks for a lift to xyz, and puts them in a position where they can’t get there without victim taking them, and making victim feel guilty if they don’t take them (because little Johnny will then miss the football match...).The victim could say no, but is made to feel rotten if they do.

BeanBag7 · 28/11/2019 07:09

@Nextphonewontbesamsung it usually means when someone gets you to do something by making you feel guilty. For example, the DD getting OP to give her free rent by making her feel guilty that if she doesn't, DD will try to self harm.

Fr0g · 28/11/2019 07:11

If she finds interacting with you "triggering", do her a favour and cancel the flights, find a new tenant for the property and let her be independent.

She chose to move out at 17 - but she's been expecting/taking free holidays & rent free property for nearly ten years?
You've hardly been heartless and uncaring.

billybagpuss · 28/11/2019 07:18

As a pp said, forward planning is not manipulation.

I am two minds to either do nothing (can you afford to just leave her flight open and does she have ESTA in place?)

Or text, ‘I’m sorry you feel that by trying to plan our trip that I was manipulating you, that was not my intention, I feel that under the current circumstances it would be best if we cancel, Hope we can get together over Christmas I’ll wait for you to get in touch.’

Good luck, mine is coming out the other side now, but I still get moments where I feel I’m walking on eggshells and still don’t feel safe to say anything without second guessing every possible outcome.

Molly2010 · 28/11/2019 07:34

The problem is, with offering reduced rent and free flights she’s going to accuse you of ‘trying to buy her’ or similar.
I’d honour the flights and get through the trip with her, otherwise it’s something else for her to beat you with.
Afterwards I’d slowly withdraw from the relationship. Stop chasing her, give her space and if she questions you explain why. You are in a lose lose position and you want her to drive it going forward.
My money says she’ll soon come running back.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 28/11/2019 07:35

She should see the film Last Christmas. It's incredibly cheesy in a Richard Curtis style, but the main character sounds just like your daughter who does a lot of growing up in the film (and there are some genuinely moving moments).

rwalker · 28/11/2019 07:35

I wouldn't take her doubt it would be a positive experience .
It so hard there is such a fine line between supporting her and enabling her to behave like this .

Dustarr73 · 28/11/2019 07:38

She has asked for space,i would honour that.Go on your trip,enjoy it.And let your dd stand on her own feet.

Clangus00 · 28/11/2019 07:40

I’m calling bullshit on most of this.
An 18 month old does not recall her dad leaving!
She’s being an absolute bitch to you and has used you for everything she could get, now that she’s realised the world owes her nothing she’s turned on you. She’s blaming you for all her failings because it’s easier than blaming herself!
She clearly has no responsibility and is living on nothing but her dreams.
I wouldn’t contact this manipulative cow again. Throwing out the words suicide and depression to get her own way! She needs to grow up and fast.
Have a nice time with your friends OP, but cancel her ticket...although that’ll be your fault too soon enough.

Verily1 · 28/11/2019 07:41

Could she have an attachment disorder?

She needs psychotherapy.

If you can afford it don’t demand rent. If she is depressed it is a disability- maybe voluntary work would be better until she has recovered and ready to move on with her life?

CherryPavlova · 28/11/2019 07:42

Spoilt, entitled, rude, ungrateful and behaviour that has nothing to do with depression.
She’s using depression as a tool to manipulate and avoid growing up.
Tough love. Find a friend to go with instead. It’s not that expensive to change the person flying usually.
Stop funding her. Have an honest adult to adult conversation. Control allow her to rent but do it through an agency so it’s on a proper business footing - albeit at a reduced rent.
Most youngsters wanting to be musicians or actors have secondary employment to keep the wolves from the door. Few make a living performing but sadly programmes like BGT have changed perceptions about reality.

Nanny0gg · 28/11/2019 07:46

She's 26? I think 26 is a difficult age as you are no longer properly young, people (Not unfairly) expect you to have a sense of what you are doing with regards to a career etc, but quite often many people are still struggling to find their way

Difficult age? If you're not 'grown up' by 26 then there's not much hope!

Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/11/2019 07:48

Could she have an attachment disorder?

She needs psychotherapy.

If you can afford it don’t demand rent. If she is depressed it is a disability- maybe voluntary work would be better until she has recovered and ready to move on with her life?

How is this ever an answer??? When does she learn to look after herself? Perhaps the op can afford it now. What's happens when she cant but dd is just still not ready and still needs a rent free lifestyle working for nothing?

Saddler · 28/11/2019 07:54

Spoilt. Cancel the flight and leave her to it, she won't get very far judging by her past performances. Triggered and all this nonsense.

Velvetbee · 28/11/2019 07:54

I’m always saying this on here but have a look on the MIND website at the list of ‘symptoms’ associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.
It might ring a lot of bells.

It helped enormously for DD to have a diagnosis and now when she feels abandoned I can say, ‘this is your borderline talking, this isn’t real’.

We too communicate best by text when things are difficult. In fact I sent her the MIND list, asking her what she thought, one day when we were pretty amicable. (But I wouldn’t necessarily recommend anyone else do it that way.)

DD felt more in control as soon as she had a label to work with.
3 years later we still have good and bad days but it is better.

Keepmewarm · 28/11/2019 08:00

I wouldn’t cancel the flight but I would give her the space that she’s demanding. If she turns up, she turns up. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.
You can’t make her get help, she’s an adult. Same with work etc.
I know you are worried about her but let her make her own path. She knows where you are.
Look after yourself.

bullyingadvice2017 · 28/11/2019 08:03

She sounds like a spoilt entitled brat. Time to let her get on with it and land in the real world with a bump.

Have you got a nice friend you can change the name on the flight too? Otherwise go alone and enjoy the peace. With no one triggering your own stress levels! Like an adult child who wants to grow up!