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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DS to come home for Xmas

337 replies

peekachew · 27/11/2019 08:44

Apologies for the slightly clickbait-y title.

Last week DS moved to NZ for 6 months in order to continue training for a very niche profession. He has expressed wishes to come home for Xmas but would only actually be home for 6 days! I think it's pointless given plane tickets are easily £1500 a pop Not to mention the 24+ hrs of travel required.

He's a young sociable lad who has the world at his feet, surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to spend Xmas over there. I know he is missing our 3 dogs (grew up with them) and wants a traditional (i.e cold) Xmas. We do have the money if it makes a difference but it's such a waste imo.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

OP posts:
RunsForGummyBears · 27/11/2019 09:33

YANBU and you know it's a case of not your circus, not your monkeys. There's nothing you can do, but he's being ridiculous and it's only going to make his culture shock/homesickness worse. 🤷

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:33

There is the pain if him coming home and then leaving

It definitely will be shit to see him go again. But honestly, that hasn't come into it.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 27/11/2019 09:35

“ My brother is very "set in his ways". I try to encourage him to do things a different way/experience new things”

How about you just leave him be.

Notwiththeseknees · 27/11/2019 09:37

I agree OP, it seems a shame that he is not making the most of this opportunity to cut the apron strings a little. It is just one Christmas and a Christmas in New Zealand on the beach or in the mountains will be a great Christmas to judge others by.

If he isn't able to think outside the box, act independently and seize opportunities, it bodes quite badly for his future career........

Bowerbird5 · 27/11/2019 09:38

I think it is a bit of a waste for six days. I went over there once for a fortnight for Christmas and I was shattered when I went back to work. Depends on age and health of parents. That is why I went. Mum and sisters were delighted.

I wouldn’t really for six days. He isn’t on his own.Tell him to enjoy a different Christmas. DD is there at the moment and wants to go to the beach.

Redcherries · 27/11/2019 09:40

I’m sorry op as this is going to sound mean but you come across to me like you think you know better and that they are incapable. Your parents have raised 4 children and sound as though they are in a good place in life, your brother has made a huge decision to peruse a career that has moved him to the other side of the world at a young age and sounds as though he is focused and has his head screwed on.

Why do you think your way is the better one? There may be things going on you aren’t aware of, he may be struggling with homesickness, he might just be craving some home cooking. Regardless of any of it, 3 capable adults have discussed something, agreed the costs and I fail to see it’s any of your business.

Try to relax, enjoy the time he’s here and let them make their own choices.

Elbels · 27/11/2019 09:40

I lived abroad as a student for a year (USA) and after moving there in the autumn I came home for Christmas. I'd have been heartbroken if my sister hadn't thought I should come home or my parents shouldn't have helped pay for a flight when they offered.

Northernlass99 · 27/11/2019 09:40

YANBU. He has only just left! He has the opportunity to enjoy an Aussie xmas on the beach. Encourage him to do that. You will have many other xmas' together.

Dinoctoblock · 27/11/2019 09:40

YANBU OP.

I find it a bit odd that a 22yo wants to come home for Christmas and not grab the chance for a new experience. I don’t think I could ever “not allow” a child of mine not to come home if they wanted, and if I needed to help them with money and I could afford it I would, but in this situation I would be encouraging my child to do something new and promising a lovely Easter meal/ summer BBQ to celebrate their return at a later time.

I wonder how he’ll cope if he finds a partner and has to take turn about with the ILs for Christmas?

PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 09:40

I’m more confused about how treating siblings equally could be ridiculous.

PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 09:42

I wonder how he’ll cope if he finds a partner and has to take turn about with the ILs for Christmas?

That’s totally different. He’d be spending Christmas with the partner and family, not friends.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/11/2019 09:42

YANBU

He's an adult and, as a young sociable one, will find it easy to find friends or other people's families to spend Christmas with. It will be part of the fun of the NZ adventure.

This should have been discussed before he left.

He's only there six months and it's New Zealand. The maths of that, distance + travel and visit time + money, to me, means it's obvious that he stays there.

People emigrate to NZ and Aus and have to save for years to see their families. It's not a casual hop back. He shouldn't be trying to treat it as one.

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:43

Notwiththeseknees - My brother is extremely independent and capable. I honestly think he was born to be a pilot (seriously no one i would trust more). He just has a tendency to do things his meticulous (not the word I'm looking for) way.

OP posts:
Waspnest · 27/11/2019 09:44

I think if he was paying the whole fare himself and is paying his own way in life, it is up to him what he does even if it does sound like a mad impractical plan (although obviously from an environmental point of view it's a pretty shit idea).

However if the OP's parents are funding his life and education, asking for extra money on top just to come home for a few days (just because he misses the dogs Hmm )sounds like spoilt behaviour to me.

Elbeagle · 27/11/2019 09:45

However if the OP's parents are funding his life and education, asking for extra money on top just to come home for a few days (just because he misses the dogs hmm )sounds like spoilt behaviour to me

But remember, the parents could always say no...

Butterymuffin · 27/11/2019 09:45

He went there last week, and now wants to come home in another few weeks for 6 days? I agree that's bonkers. What did he ever think was going to happen for Christmas? He must have had some idea!
Most people who go that far accept that it means you can't just pop home and any visits are at longer intervals.

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/11/2019 09:46

It’s none of your business what your parents do with their money OP. If they want to pay for your brother to come home for Christmas then they should

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:46

I can see why people think I'm being overbearing. I just think my parents place way too much value on seeing/being with their kids. We're not going anywhere.

OP posts:
adaline · 27/11/2019 09:48

It's none of your business!

I was studying abroad at that age and couldn't wait to come home for Christmas to see my family. Sometimes you just want the comforts of home.

If your parents are willing to pay then why are you so bothered?

Elbeagle · 27/11/2019 09:49

I just think my parents place way too much value on seeing/being with their kids

It’s not up to you to decide what they value.

We're not going anywhere

My brother died in a car accident aged 27. You never know if people are ‘going anywhere’ or not.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 27/11/2019 09:50

Just that if they do something for one sibling (there are 4 of us) they feel it necessary to do the same for everyone else.

So are you all getting £1500 then? Don't see the problem if so lol.

PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 09:50

I just think my parents place way too much value on seeing/being with their kids. We're not going anywhere.

Your brother has though! And you never know what will happen.

Do you have kids? What value would you put on being with them at Christmas? What an odd point of view.

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:50

I'm not that bothered, believe me. Just seeking other peoples opinions/experiences.

I have friends who haven't seen family members for years for this exact reason.

OP posts:
Waspnest · 27/11/2019 09:51

But remember, the parents could always say no...

Or their son could always think, 'Mum and Dad are already supporting me so much that it would be completely unreasonable for me to ask them to cough up half the money for me to come home for a stupidly short holiday...'

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 27/11/2019 09:51

It does seem a bit stupid to come back so soon after leaving, when you're going to be with 20 other people in the same situation as you, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

I would never begrudge my own sisters our parents support.