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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DS to come home for Xmas

337 replies

peekachew · 27/11/2019 08:44

Apologies for the slightly clickbait-y title.

Last week DS moved to NZ for 6 months in order to continue training for a very niche profession. He has expressed wishes to come home for Xmas but would only actually be home for 6 days! I think it's pointless given plane tickets are easily £1500 a pop Not to mention the 24+ hrs of travel required.

He's a young sociable lad who has the world at his feet, surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to spend Xmas over there. I know he is missing our 3 dogs (grew up with them) and wants a traditional (i.e cold) Xmas. We do have the money if it makes a difference but it's such a waste imo.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 08:59

It's just that if I were in his position I wouldn't want to be such a burden!

It isn’t a burden if they want him home.

PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 09:00

Presumably they had some say in finding his training. Wouldn’t you do that for your own children?

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:00

I really love my brother but we're talking the other side of the world!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 09:01

I would respect your view more of it was from an environmental point of view.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 27/11/2019 09:01

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Stay out of it.

Icecreamsoda99 · 27/11/2019 09:02

I thought you were being unreasonable when it was your son, you are absolutely being unreasonable when it is your brother. You probably don't know the full picture of where he is mentally, leave him alone!

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:02

My parents are too soft with their kids imo (myself included)

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 27/11/2019 09:02

My parents would do this for my brother, no questions. And I wouldn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t come home just because it was for a short time.

Is there underlying issues here op?

Spied · 27/11/2019 09:02

My thoughts are the same regardless of disclosure.
If he wants to come home he should.
If it's your dm trying to guilt him into coming home then it's a different story really and he should not feel guilty if he chooses to stay in NZ.
It's really his decision. Needs no input.

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:03

Why does it make a difference how we are related? It's the same scenario.

OP posts:
Doingitaloneandproud · 27/11/2019 09:03

Not your business I'm afraid, if he wants to come home for Christmas and they want him, that's all that matters

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:04

No underlying issues. Just an incredible waste imo. I really do miss him but he'll be home next year!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 09:04

Why does it make a difference how we are related? It's the same scenario.

No it isn’t. Your parents actually want him to come home. It’s their money to spend. It’s none of your business.

Drpeppered · 27/11/2019 09:05

But it isn’t the same scenario. First was a mother who didn’t want to pay half of her sons air fare. Second is the parents do want to pay but the sister thinks it makes them ‘soft’.

If your parents want him home and he wants to come home, why does it matter? It’s Christmas!

saraclara · 27/11/2019 09:05

He left last week?!

That's nuts. His mates will totally take the piss out of him for being such a wuss.

Mishappening · 27/11/2019 09:05

Back off - butt out - seriously, absolutely none of your business.

churchandstate · 27/11/2019 09:06

It makes a difference because it’s not your money. I still think it’s a bit silly, but it’s not for you or me to say whether it happens.

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:06

He literally left last week! Paying £1500+ after a month is wasteful. I wouldn't impose myself in that way.

OP posts:
cantfindname · 27/11/2019 09:07

My son did something very similar to this although in the UK. He went away for training with a bunch of others who he got on well with. But he couldn't break the tie with home and was back at every opportunity. It was, as he now admits 20 years later, a massive mistake.

I should have refused to let him keep coming home but... well he is my son isn't he.

Encourage him to stay where he is OP. It's a waste of money and will only prolong the whole 'missing home' thing.

SlothOfSluggishness · 27/11/2019 09:08

You seem overly invested in something that is none of your business.

It is between your brother and your parents.

Are you suffering from envy? Do you think they should be spending the money on you instead?

Schuyler · 27/11/2019 09:09

YABU, it’s Christmas and he wants to and they want him to. It’s nothing to do with you really.

PinkiOcelot · 27/11/2019 09:09

You are right. It is wasteful. I totally agree with you, but unfortunately not your call.

Original poster
peekachew · 27/11/2019 09:09

I'm trying to get him to organise a road trip with the others on his course, what an amazing experience that would be! He can have a muddy, wet Xmas next year (and every year after that).

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/11/2019 09:10

Why don’t you back off? He’s an adult. He can decide what to do with his own Christmas. Why don’t you do something with your life instead of bothering about his so much. You’re not his mum.

justilou1 · 27/11/2019 09:11

What an absolute sap! There is also a very real chance that he may find that a better offer is available and he chases that as well.

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