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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow DS to come home for Xmas

337 replies

peekachew · 27/11/2019 08:44

Apologies for the slightly clickbait-y title.

Last week DS moved to NZ for 6 months in order to continue training for a very niche profession. He has expressed wishes to come home for Xmas but would only actually be home for 6 days! I think it's pointless given plane tickets are easily £1500 a pop Not to mention the 24+ hrs of travel required.

He's a young sociable lad who has the world at his feet, surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to spend Xmas over there. I know he is missing our 3 dogs (grew up with them) and wants a traditional (i.e cold) Xmas. We do have the money if it makes a difference but it's such a waste imo.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

OP posts:

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 17:10

I find it depressing how many parents here wouldn't want to help bring their homesick child home for xmas under the guise of they need to build a backbone.

I find it more depressing that people seem to think that some people think that this opinion also makes them better parents and people.

I stand by what I said. The detachment somw people show from their asukr children is bizarre.

I say that as someone who no longer speaks to their own parents. The emotional distance is odd.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 17:15

I find it depressing how many parents here wouldn't want to help bring their homesick child home for xmas under the guise of they need to build a backbone.

Or maybe they have experienced it themselves so have a good idea of what it means to live overseas?
Choosing to live that far away from family can be hard and yes it is part of living overseas.
I personally would never stop my child from spending time with me. But I certainly would encourage them to get used to be that far away. Because if they can’t cope to spend christmas/birthday/significant time away from family, then they are not the right person to be away to far. And this would have major implications for their work etc.... esp in the case of the OP’s dc.

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 17:20

Or maybe they have experienced it themselves so have a good idea of what it means to live overseas?

One persons experience will never be the same as someone elses. Saying 'you must enjoy this and do it because I did', is one the worst think a parent can do. People are all different.

*And this would have major implications for their work etc.... esp in the case of the OP’s dc.,

Have you actually read the thread? Its not ops son. Its ops brother. She has issue, even though it doeant impact her at all. Their parents treat them fairly, no golden child. It's not going to impact his career.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 27/11/2019 17:24

If your 22 year old rang you Hey and said "I want to come back for Xmas because I'm miserable, can you help pay my ticket home?", would you? If you could easily afford it and he was still adamant after being encouraged to think hard about it of course.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 17:29

Well I thought I had read the thread carefully (or rather the OP’s posts)... .

Doesn’t change the fact this guy will have to make a decision in whether being away from family is something he can cope with or not. And yes it will impact his career if he is choosing a job that takes him away from family regularly and he is always homesick and not coping. Nothing right or wrong but who would want a job that regular puts you in a position you hate?

And fwiw Ive never said I enjoyed being away or whatever. I said that it’s part of the parcel with living overseas. Which it is. You cant live that far away AND also expect to be around for all those events all the time. Either you get used to it or you move back.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 17:33

@BlueBirdGreenFence
From my post
I personally would never stop my child from spending time with me. But I certainly would encourage them to get used to be that far away.

So not I wouodnt stop them. But nor would I encourage them to do so. I wouod try and have a chat and see how homesick they are etc...
I’m saying that having being the one who was depressed and struggling on the other side of the world (I was also 19yo so younger too).
It’s nit always helpful to mollycoddle people. And nor is it helpful to take the all ‘strong and get on with it’ approach. There is a balance to find. As always.

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 17:37

Doesn’t change the fact this guy will have to make a decision in whether being away from family is something he can cope with or not.

Why do people have to nor cope to come home for chritsmas? Maybe he is a bit home sick. Maybe not. No suggestion he isnt coping.

Maybe he just wants to? Maybe he knows it might be his last Christmas off for a while and just whats to be at home. Maybe his best friends on the course are going home so he fancies it too.

Wanting to come home for Christmas doesnt mean he isnt coping or wont cope with his job.

Cloudyyy · 27/11/2019 17:45

For what it’s worth, I spent the most miserable Christmas of my life on the other side of the world on a very similar training program. I wish my parents had offered to go halves on a ticket home at the time. I don’t look back on that Christmas fondly at all.

Devereux1 · 27/11/2019 17:46

If your 22 year old rang you Hey and said "I want to come back for Xmas

That's nice darling. What dates are the tickets you have purchased, we'll come and collect you.

because I'm miserable

Oh really? Why is that? What's troubling you? It would be a bit silly for you to fly half way round the world, you only left 5 minutes ago! And when you go back you'll still be miserable. So let's take a look at your situation, what's really up?

can you help pay my ticket home?

I beg your pardon? Help you pay? How much help exactly? What? Half?! You want us to help pay for your ticket when you've only just gone out there? Just to come back for a few days? Why, didn't you budget for it? Haven't you saved any of the money we have already spent on you? Come on dear, you're 22 years old now, not a child. We can't all drop everything and run away every time we're a bit miserable. If you really want to come back here, of course you'd be welcome and it would be lovely to see you, but you have to admit, it would be unreasonable to expect us to pay for your tickets, frankly I'm a bit shocked you've even asked.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 27/11/2019 17:58

Each to their own Deveraux I suppose. Maybe I'm just a bit jaded by my own experiences. Rightly or wrongly, my priority above all else is that they feel loved and valued, even if that is sometimes maybe wrongly, at the expense of opportunities for life lessons and growth.

Devereux1 · 27/11/2019 18:02

@BlueBirdGreenFence

Remember, loving your children isn't about making them happy, or giving them what they want. Only they can make themselves happy. The best way to help them do that is to love them, let them fail, let them discover the ways to overcome struggles, and grow stronger and healthier.

cerios156 · 27/11/2019 18:06

Coming from the perspective of a sibling and just a practical person, between you and me OP I do think that's a lot to spend on a plane ticket when your brother that's just left.

However, family is important.

Are you feeling in any way that your parents will then have spent 750+ on Christmas for him and potentially not that much on you? Do you just generally feel like he gets too much support and isn't ever forced to stand on his own? Do you feel like your brother won't properly appreciate the gesture?

I feel like this may be coming from a general feeling of frustration with the way your parents parent.

Additionally, unless you're intimately involved in their entire financial life, your folks may have more financial flexibility than you know. This could have been something they were planning for even.

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 18:10

@cerios156 op says their parents work very hard to be fair and are a soft touch regarding her as well as him

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 27/11/2019 18:14

It was, as he now admits 20 years later, a massive mistake.

In what way was it a massive mistake? What was the impact on him? Serious question.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 19:58

@MsRomanoff, I am sure you understood what I meant and it is not what you said.
Of course, this christmas, he might just want to be home. Maybe some of his friends are doing that and he wants to. Maybe it has nothing to do with being homesick.
In that case, It's an expensive gift for something you just fancy. I mean £1500+ for something you 'fancy' and not something you need is a lot. Woud you be happy to do that too for a watch, some jewelery etc...?

LensGlans · 27/11/2019 20:08

He's a selfish twat. If he expects his parents to cough up for his flights home, how do you think he'll treat a future partner? He's a cocklodger in the making.

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 20:11

Seeing my child, even adult child wouldnt be comparable with a watch.

If my child wanted to come home for christmas, I could afford it with ease.....yes I would.

Memories and spending time together as a family, is priceless to me. Not the same as en expensive watch. Especially since it may the last one for for a while.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/11/2019 20:12

@peekachew. Back off.

It’s your parents relationship with their son. Fuck all to do with you.

NancyJoan · 27/11/2019 20:14

Last week? LAST WEEK??!

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 20:17

In fact thinking about it, I have been in a similar position to OP.

When I was 21, me and my then boyfriend were going to florida and asked my parents if they wanted to come. My brother was single and mum spoke to me and said he couldnt afford to fo due to just buying his own house. She asked if we would feel bothered if they paid for him to go.

I was happy. Having dbro with us, was my preffered option. Rather than him being the only one of us not to go. I laughed. I couldnt believe she thought it would be an issue. Me and my boyfriend bought a house 2 years before, and has more money due to there being 2 of us.

I didn't expect my parents to make it even, or get upset he was getting more. That holiday was amazing. One of my favourites.

He would have coped with us all out of the country, easily. He didnt need to come. It was a luxury. Just an expensive gift. But the memories last a lifetime. I woulsnt chabge that for the world.

sandyfoot · 27/11/2019 20:17

Tbh can't be bothered to read the whole thread because it is so ridiculous. Honestly OP, this is not your problem. It's nothing to do with you. It's also one of those things that when you've had kids you'd be more open minded about it.

sandyfoot · 27/11/2019 20:20

To add. I would encourage my child to stay there for Xmas from an environmental point of view and because I think independence is a good thing. I just don't think you have to be involved in the discussion

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 20:25

but @MsRomanoff, that has nothing to do with the OP's situation!
You were away and your dbro basically had a holiday with you and your parents. In some way you were the one who created the situation....

That's not the same than if HE had chosen to go away and would have had to be away a lot for his work . And the cost of the trip would have been quite different too

MsRomanoff · 27/11/2019 20:45

You were away and your dbro basically had a holiday with you and your parents. In some way you were the one who created the situation....

How had i created the situation? I was going in holiday. Asked mum and dad if they wanted to come. They could have said no, or come without him. He was 25 not a child.

This situation is nothing to do with OP. She isnt involved at all

Tbe circumstances of why or where he is, doesnr really matter. He wants to come home, his parents want him to and are happy to put money towards it. For their own reasons. He is happy, they are happy. The only people impacted, are happy.

Yes, a holiday to florida is far more expensive then £750. What's that got to do with it?

Frankola · 27/11/2019 21:04

So basically you don't want him home (as his sibling).

No offence but this is totally up to your brother and your parents.

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