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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DS to come home for Xmas

337 replies

peekachew · 27/11/2019 08:44

Apologies for the slightly clickbait-y title.

Last week DS moved to NZ for 6 months in order to continue training for a very niche profession. He has expressed wishes to come home for Xmas but would only actually be home for 6 days! I think it's pointless given plane tickets are easily £1500 a pop Not to mention the 24+ hrs of travel required.

He's a young sociable lad who has the world at his feet, surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to spend Xmas over there. I know he is missing our 3 dogs (grew up with them) and wants a traditional (i.e cold) Xmas. We do have the money if it makes a difference but it's such a waste imo.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

OP posts:
Mamboitaliano · 27/11/2019 09:55

You ARE that bothered. You do sound quite jealous.

And you can never say ‘we’re not going anywhere’. You never know. And at the very least, you’re most likely going into your own families and won’t always be with your parents for Christmas. If you older two are 22 and 23 then your parents’ time of having you all together for Christmas is most likely nearly over. And of course THEY won’t be around forever either. Can’t you just be happy you get to spend Christmas together?

Mammyloveswine · 27/11/2019 09:55

OMG that's awful! I'd do anything to get my children to me for Christmas!

How hurt must he be feeling? He's your son ffs!

He's been gone 6 months... that's half a year!

Poor chap! He can come to my house for Christmas!

Glad you're not my mum!

3weemonkeys · 27/11/2019 09:55

Perhaps he is homesick. Let him come home.

BreatheAndFocus · 27/11/2019 09:56

YABU. To be blunt, it’s none of your business and - forgive me - you sound a bit jealous.

Why shouldn’t he come home for Xmas if he wants to? He’s offered to pay half so it obviously means a lot to him. He’s still in that middle ground between being a child/teen and being a full grown up.

He’s on the other side of the world. Maybe he’s missing his family? Maybe he feels it’s too early to be away from them at such a special time of the year? Maybe being able to come back early on in his period of time away will help him settle better in the long-term?

Many young people ‘make the break’ gradually like that eg when they go to uni they initially come home to visit after a few weeks, but gradually don’t feel the need to and leave longer and longer gaps between their visits. In those circumstances, denying them the chance to do that doesn’t help. It doesn’t make them more independent - quite the opposite.

Leave your brother alone. He’s not you. He’s dealing with this his way and your parents are happy to help, it seems. What’s the problem?

Elbeagle · 27/11/2019 09:56

Mammyloveswine maybe read the whole thread (and the OP correctly!). He’s been gone a week, and it’s actually the OP’s brother Grin

HeyMissyYouSoFine · 27/11/2019 09:56

I just think my parents place way too much value on seeing/being with their kids. We're not going anywhere.

I like spending time with my children - I think that's fairly normal. Plus once you get past the early 20s work, partners and children do mean it's less and less likely you'll see them as frequently and as their lives get busy they have other priorities.

I think the last Christmas I treked home was around 23 - I started spending them with my now DH.

Mammyloveswine · 27/11/2019 09:56

Just seen your update, none of your business then!

What do his actual parents say?

saraclara · 27/11/2019 09:57

@Mammyloveswine he'snot been away for six months. He's been away for A WEEK!

PaquitaVariation · 27/11/2019 09:58

I would never pass up the opportunity to spend time with my children, if it was what they had asked for! I find your attitude very strange, but hey, we’re all different 🤷🏼‍♀️

lottiegarbanzo · 27/11/2019 09:59

Do your parents have any hobbies, other than their kids? You may well find that, for the rest of their lives, the four of you are their hobby.

You may not 'be going anywhere' (as far as you know) but your parents, just by virtue of being older and knowing more people who have died, are likely to be far more aware of their own mortality and the precariousness of life. They may, reasonably, have adopted a 'seize the moment' attitude to life and may be very keen to make the most of their own active, healthy years.

I still think they're going overboard in this instance, that coming back would be actively unhealthy for your brother and that they should think a bit more about his need to develop into an independent adult and a bit less about his and their immediate wants. But this may be part of the explanation.

crustycrab · 27/11/2019 10:00

Do I get a Star for guessing pilot? Grin

OP anything could happen, you can't say "we're not going anywhere". I hope you're not but your parents will know that tragedy is just around the corner for many families.

They must have a fair bit of money to have 4 kids, get one of them to the point that he has enough flying hours to get onto pilot training and treat all the other kids exactly the same. To the point that you think it's ridiculous.

You sound jealous, and superior. Just enjoy your family Christmas and the fact you're lucky enough to be together. Stop trying to persuade your brother to do the things you think he should do.

If road tripping around NZ at Christmas is such a good idea then take the £750 your parents will give you and put it towards your own trip.

Toucan123 · 27/11/2019 10:02

YANBU! Surely he must have realised that leaving the UK in November to go to NZ "for six months" would mean being away for Christmas?

ajandjjmum · 27/11/2019 10:04

DS moved to Australia in the summer, but we saw him in October. He is coming home for 5 days for Christmas - his choice, he wants to see his 'oldies' who are in their 80's, but we're happy he'll be here. Just for 6 days though - he's getting back to Aus for New Year!

If he wants to come home, and your DP are happy to support it, no issue.

Confusedbeetle · 27/11/2019 10:08

I think you underestimate how desparately homesick young people feel in these circumstances and Christmas accentuates this. I dont think its your call. Support him. He needs to be with his family

RantyAnty · 27/11/2019 10:09

It does seem a bit foolish as he's only been gone a week.

He should stay there with the others at the school. It sounds like your parents are a bit over enmeshed and he could you the time to grow up a bit. Of course you love your kids but at some point you have to let them grow up and live their own lives.

ThursdayLastWeek · 27/11/2019 10:10

YANBU OP.

Nowt you can do about it, but I agree with you totally.

Paintedmaypole · 27/11/2019 10:15

This has nothing to do with you at all. It is between your parents and your brother. Your opinion is not required by them.

separatebeds · 27/11/2019 10:19

Suggest he does not book his ticket now as he will probably end up changing his mind once he settles in and makes friends and gets invites to do stuff there.

Maybe then if he is not happy get a late flight back.

amusedbush · 27/11/2019 10:19

Damn, I came to guess pilot training but I've been beaten to it! Grin

OP, YANBU. That's a huge amount of money to piss up the wall for a few days.

Damntheman · 27/11/2019 10:23

Have you ever spent Xmas away from your parents OP? Until you've done it it's difficult to imagine how hard it might be for someone who is used to a lovely family xmas time. I'm 35 and have alternated xmas celebrations with my parents and ILs since I was 22. I am still sad on the years when I'm in Norway for xmas because it's just not the same and I miss my mum at that special time. He's only 22, it's not THAT old in the scope of things and if your parents want him home then that's all that matters.

I'd butt out and leave them to it, people will only resent you if you make an opinion known.

crustycrab · 27/11/2019 10:24

Separatebeds he's lived with his coursemates for a year already

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 27/11/2019 10:25

YANBU, it’s ridiculous to come back so soon. I see some have mentioned he might be homesick, well that’s even more reason to not come back. I’ve emigrated to Oz, and the best advice I got was not to go back to the UK for the first two years, as you need to give yourself time to settle in a new country. He should be making the most of his six months, it will be over soon enough.

Devereux1 · 27/11/2019 10:26

I, like others, read this a little confused what the problem was, and then got to the last line.

Also, he's offered to pay half.

Excuse me? He's offered to pay half? I had to scroll down, are we talking about a 16 year old then, young and training for this niche profession?

No! We're talking about a 22 year old man! OP, why are you infantilizing him? He's 22, if he wants to come back for Christmas, great, but of course he should be paying for all his flights.

HugoSpritz · 27/11/2019 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kanga83 · 27/11/2019 10:28

I agree with you OP. He left a week ago for this opportunity. So in four weeks he wants to come back again at your parents expense . I would be tempted politely to say to him and your parents surely it's time to stand in your own two feet, coursemates will all be out there having fun, but if he really wants to come back, then surely he pays?