How are mothers supposed to go back to work??

[ArtichokeAardvark]

I've just had the dreaded call from nursery to come and collect DS. 'Hello Mrs X, I'm afraid your son is unwell, please could you come and pick him up asap'.

My son is teething. Yes, he's a bit grumpy, but he's teething. Yes, he has a temperature but it's only 38.0 so not exactly an emergency. They admitted themselves he's running around happily with the other children, just being a little bit whingier than normal.

But no, I have to collect him. No they can't even give Teetha homeopathic stuff without a doctor's prescription. And please could I keep him home for 24 hours after his temp goes back to normal.

I am slammed at work. I'm the only person in my department this week and I'm desperately trying to tie up everything this month before I go on mat leave. I would drop everything if my son was genuinely unwell, but for god's sake he's TEETHING.

How the hell are mothers meant to be able to go back to work? This happens with depressingly regularity and my employer is luckily understanding but their patience is beginning to wear thin...

@chrurchandstate I have no issue with parents deciding both of them prefer to work, but it does frustrate me when people talk about removing barriers to women working with very small children. Some parents believe a child is genuinely better off at home than in a childcare setting. And that’s their right.

Why should it frustrate you?? Like you said some parents decide both of them prefer to work - why would you be bothered about barriers being removed for them to exercise their choice? How does that affect you? Removing barriers for others doesn't force you into work does it?!

And in answer to the OP:

• shared the burden with the child's father
• worked from home when I was stuck there with kids
• worked evenings and nights to make up the time lost
• chose a job and a boss I could work flexibly with
• married a man who understood how important my work was to me and shared the responsibility accordingly
• discussed childcare burden and career paths in the context of having kids before getting pregnant

And this is definitely a parenting issue, not a women's issue and the more we frame it as such, the quicker society will adjust its expectations so it isn't seen as women's work and it isn't seen that it's the woman's career that's worth sacrificing.

38 degrees is a reasonably high temperature. I would think it's quite likely he is coming down with something rather than teething causing that level of temperature rise.

What time was he due to finish? I'm assuming he was pretty close to the end of his normal day. Little ones tend to go downhill quite rapidly at the end of the day if they are under the weather.

A nanny would be able to continue to care for a child even if they were unwell. A childminder may also have a bit more flexibility to adjust the child's routine to be a quieter day or to give calpol etc with parental permission. Nurseries tend to just send home.

Why should it frustrate you?? Like you said some parents decide both of them prefer to work - why would you be bothered about barriers being removed for them to exercise their choice? How does that affect you? Removing barriers for others doesn't force you into work does it?!

It does after a fashion. It means that economic efforts are concentrated on making childcare more affordable, not increasing wages or reducing cost of living.

I'm sorry op we're in a time when women's rights are being reduced, when all sorts of social support is being reduced, a time when employers hold all the cards, and a time of a crashing economy generally. The time of family friendly employers has been and gone, we're all supposed to be fully-flexible slaves nowadays. With a smile and mascara. You're not the only one having problems - there are entire professions where women with families are being forced out.

Every working mum I know has help from relatives. We don't have help and with dc2 illness and appointments we need one parent at home.

He has a temperature. Nursery staff and (I presume) you are not doctors. It's the time of year for nasty bugs going round. What's to say he isn't coming down with something that he could potentially spread to staff and children at the nursery.
Or are you going to be one of those parents who send their child to school poorly to make other children poorly too?

Sorry that should be dc's not dc2

I had a nanny until the DC were about 8 and 9. She looked after them both at home when they got chickenpox.
After that, if they were ill at school they just had to wait there in the medical room until home time. I was a hospital doctor and couldn’t just walk out of the operating theatre halfway through an operation.
And as I was widowed when they were babies, and the grandparents lived 250 miles away and also worked full time, there wasn’t any back up either.

What ridiculous responses to the op.

Even if you do have a partner and can share the sick days and emergencies, you aren't absolved of them...you may have half but that could still be a substantial and inconvenient amount.

Get family to help...not everyone has this.

Get a nanny... extremely expensive.

This is why I don't work.

Agree with PP about 38 degrees temp not to be ignored. Children can deteriorate very quickly

Even if you can split time off with your partner, it can still add up to a lot, particularly when you have more than one pre-schooler as they're not often ill at precisely the same time! Since DC2 started nursery in August, we've each been off on two separate occasions as each DC has had two separate spates of illness.. We both luckily work for very flexible employers and both can take one paid day off for dependents each time. However I still feel bad considering I've only been with my employer for the same length of time and have also had two days off sick myself! (With the same sickness bug we all had - anything less I would - and do! - go in for.. it does also make you feel less like you can take your own sick leave).

However, I can understand the policy. Our nursery is quite laid-back with eg coughs and colds but I think a temperature would warrant a call. As a PP says, they don't know if it is teething or whether it could be something worse brewing. My two have in the past just had a temperature and no other symptoms and then they've come down with a sickness bug or a bad cough/viral infection. And I would probably rather they err on the side of caution to prevent the spread of illness!! As to be honest I'm pretty sure nursery is the number one spot where my DC pick things up!!

I’m not sure what kind of responses you’re looking for OP? Your kids come first.

I had to have an au pair as well as using nursery as I was self employed at the time, and if I was working I couldn’t leave due to nature of my job (barrister).

Now I work for civil service and they are excellent with working from home, but mine are school age now and the school only send them home with a genuine emergency. They like to keep their numbers up if anything! Mine you I couldn’t have worked from home with babies or toddlers so it wouldn’t have helped as much.

You get through it and then they have a cast iron immune system by the time they get to school.

Remember to get the chicken pox vaccine. I kept meaning to get it done, and then he got the pox. 1 week minimum off work while you wait for the spots to scab.

formerbabe

I agree.

Many employers are not sympathetic to staff taking time off to care for children.
They may pay lip service but anyone trying to exercise these rights often findthemsleves excess to requirements when departments are restructured.

One of us had to stop work, and as OH was the bigger earner then it was me who became a SAHM- and that continued throughout primary school too.
Zero family support, OHs job involved lots of travel and unexpected overtime. one of our children had chronic health problems and rarely had above 75% attendance. Throw into the mix another child with a " normal" amount " of illness, school holidays etc.
We couldn't afford a nanny- me ditching my career was really the only option.

My OH still works in a techie company where the ( very few women) are childless, every man who has children has a partner who is a SAHM. None have wives who work full time.
We don't have workplace equality.

@treepolitics where I am nursery for a full day is from £75 and a nanny is £10ph. It’s not at least double at all and whilst it does come with risks of the nanny being off sick, those tend to be fewer occasions. Also the OP says she is about to go off on maternity leave so presumably when she returns to work she will have two lots of childcare.

@Stompythedinosaur, I disagree. I’m a teacher which makes it very difficult to leave early. My job is also quite specialised so we can’t use supply agencies. DH is often in court for work. He cannot, mid trial, just stop and say one of his 3 children are ill. Neither of our jobs are flexible. We also have no family who can help. Thankfully the youngest is now 7 so this problem is less frequent.

Op, wait until your DS is at school! Not only do you need to find holiday cover/inset cover etc but they will call and expect your child picked up at the first sign of sickness. I thought the nursery years were difficult until mine started YR and spent most of the first term ill.

It isn't easy.
Dosing your dc with Calpol before drop off seems to have been a fairly common parental response.

It does cause shock, particularly with schools if you as a mum can't get to school within half an hour because you are just physically further away.

I know its hard but this time of year there are loads of bugs and illnesses going around. Local schools have been shut for norovirus which starts with a temp so in fairness, I think they were appropriate

I'm a single parent with no help or support from anyone, but I consider myself very, very lucky because DD is almost never ill. She had chicken pox and a couple of days of sickness when she was really young, but apart from that she's had nothing else in 13 years. I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. A few years ago her whole school went down with flu, but DD didn't get it, even though she was one of the few that hadn't had the vaccine.

I think employers just need to be very understanding to parents with very young children.

Like others have said, share with dh, take annual leave, work from home, take unpaid leave. My dc (school age) was unwell today. I am lucky that my employer is understanding and I can take carers leave. I also only work part- time in this role so could on occasions swap working day when dc unwell to another in the week. However I also run a small company on the other days and wouldn't have been able to do that this week. Dc has perked up now thankfully and I'm sure will be going to school tomorrow but agreed with my dh this morning that I would take today off and he would have to take tomorrow. Don't think he'll need to now but it's his turn next time!

His job is no more important than mine and I actually earn more than him.

You can split time off completely equally and it still have a huge impact on your work. Voice of experience unfortunately!

I feel for you OP. Just be comforted that it’s not forever - like most things, this too shall pass!

churchandstate but why should making childcare more affordable and increasing wages or reducing cost of living be mutually exclusive?! Surely improving them all is in the interests of everybody?

Suggesting that women don't work so that men can be paid more is a bit of a non-starter in the 21st century I'm afraid.

Fithles

I didn’t say anything about men or women. I said one parent. And I agree that an effort to make both options more realistic for parents would be welcome. What I am saying is that there is very little support for those families that want to have one parent at home with their children.

Try having 4!! I get called constantly, I’ve had 3 calls in one week to pick up 2 of mine get dla and I’m a carer and on top of it a lone parent with no help but according to a family member I should still be looking for work