How are mothers supposed to go back to work??

[ArtichokeAardvark]

I've just had the dreaded call from nursery to come and collect DS. 'Hello Mrs X, I'm afraid your son is unwell, please could you come and pick him up asap'.

My son is teething. Yes, he's a bit grumpy, but he's teething. Yes, he has a temperature but it's only 38.0 so not exactly an emergency. They admitted themselves he's running around happily with the other children, just being a little bit whingier than normal.

But no, I have to collect him. No they can't even give Teetha homeopathic stuff without a doctor's prescription. And please could I keep him home for 24 hours after his temp goes back to normal.

I am slammed at work. I'm the only person in my department this week and I'm desperately trying to tie up everything this month before I go on mat leave. I would drop everything if my son was genuinely unwell, but for god's sake he's TEETHING.

How the hell are mothers meant to be able to go back to work? This happens with depressingly regularity and my employer is luckily understanding but their patience is beginning to wear thin...

I could have written that post @ArtichokeAardvark it was such a difficult period of time when I went back to work full time. I'm now on mat leave with DC2. DC1 still goes to nursery a bit and has recently had a bug, it has reminded me of the trauma of the regular phone calls and how it felt at work. Also similar to you in that DH works too far away. I actually ended up having an altercation with my boss when DC1 was ill. It was an awful time and I dread the next return to work. I didn't want a childminder as others had talked about how difficult it can be to deal with it if they are away or they fall ill. I don't regret my child care choice but I resent the cost and the stress.

I managed initially by having a brilliant childminder who would keep my DC unless they were actually ill (teething didn't count as illness) and later by starting my own business. I had an office built in the garden and worked in an industry where I could work when it suited me. I was often out there in the middle of the night.

Later DS2's health problems were so severe and dramatic (dozens of ambulances over many years) that I couldn't have worked for anyone else. I was so grateful I'd decided to work for myself. I was my family's breadwinner.

Nothing wrong with homeopathic teething remedies? You're right, Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany. There's nothing wrong with homeopathic remedies. But you're only right because such remedies contain no active ingredients of any sort. So they can't possibly do any harm, while any perceived benefit is the result of the placebo effect or the fact that many conditions clear up spontaneously.

Both you and OP are BU in wasting your money on little bottles of water.

“Every working mum I know has help from relatives. We don't have help and with dc2 illness and appointments we need one parent at home.”

Really surprised at this- very common at our nursery for there to be no family locally, or even in the country. None of my working mother friends have family support- 2 women I work with do though

I should have said ‘fever’ instead of temperature @ferrier

It is a huge parental misconception.

We had help from family once. My boys are nearly 11 and 8 now - all our close family members work full time.

Twins who tag-teamed chicken pox was fun.

They sound a bit unreasonable where I work we agree to give calpol. (phone up parents and they sign upon collection for it.) And if child seems ok we would keep child. Obviously if child is miserable then that's different.

the fundamental principle here and in many other situations could be summed up as that which typically happens without penalty, becomes the expected scenario

men are typically able to father children and continue their careers without a blip. because this is allowed to happen without protest it will continue.

employers are able to get away with having family-unfriendly policies and practices which make it difficult for parents to divide childcare equally and for some reason these employers are still able to fill their vacancies with capable people instead of being left the slim pickings of people with no interest in reproduction as their recruitment pool.

men who are clearly rubbish at being a genuine life partner nevertheless manage to find women who are willing to have sex with them.

women continue to take up the slack and sacrifice their earning power for the sake of their children and don't protest about why they should be forced into this.

and because of the upward pressure on the economy from the spiral of rising incomes as people frantically try to earn their way to happiness prices keep rising and those at the bottom of the heap need to strive harder and harder to keep up with the basic costs of living.

we need a new paradigm. we need everyone, both men and women, to stop feeding this monstrous cycle that is destroying us.

no one person will make much difference by stopping and saying no. OP you are having to pedal so frantically to keep up with what is expected of you because everyone else is trying to pedal as fast as they can and if one person stops the whole system still keeps going. we need a cultural shift where we all stop and say no.

Lone parent here as exH sodded off abroad. The solution is a mixture of annual leave, making up the hours, work from home and carers leave. Next stage is unpaid leave but thankfully I’ve next had to do that one.

*never

DH and I take it turns when one of the kids is ill. Teething shouldn't cause a raised temperature.

My opinion is you either need family support or plenty of money to throw at the problem.

If you have neither, you're screwed.

The Nursery have to stick to their policies otherwise all mothers would just dump sick children in there, having dosed them up with calpol.

It is a nursery not a dumping ground. Nurseries/schools dont have the resources or staff to deal with sick children effectively. Your child would take up one member of staff to themselves if they are clingy and upset, and upset the other children.

We shared sicks days. DH earns twice as much as me but that doesn't mean his job is more important.

Plus our nursery were pretty sensible .

And please could I keep him home for 24 hours after his temp goes back to normal.

Really? If this was policy, their nursery would be half empty all the time.

As for your question, women manage to work by having things in place to deal with poorly children, whether it is the father or a family member. If you don’t have either of those, you just have to live with it.

Go back to work after he's finished teething?

It does get better. The first 6 months at nursery it is one thing after another. You and your partner get through it as best you can and try not to get sacked. Then their immune system software becomes updated and they don't fall sick and remain that way after they start school.

Both my dcs, now in secondary school, are pretty robust and hardly every fall ill. If they do, they tend to kick it overnight or in 24 hours.

Things will settle down.

Being a working mum is hard but I'm going to come to the defence of the nursery here...teething is the standard answer for all manner of illness. Any temperature of 38 or over triggers a phone call for parents to collect in our nursery. We don't care for ill children and we don't give Calpol to mask illness. To the pp who said her child was ill for 5 hours at nursery - that's terrible practice by them, they should have called you straight away as I would be cross had my child been left ill this long.

Not being funny OP but I still would've told them "sorry, we're three hours away, we'll make our way and pick him up at *time" and sent your husband instead of you. It doesn't matter how far away he is, he should still do half. Otherwise it is only your career being impacted constantly.

Lots of juggling and for myself loss of earnings

Lots of worrying about how you will manage time off/ holidays (when at school)

At times felt like I just managed to get through, made friends who were in similar position (single mums) and helped each other out

It’s hard such a relief he is now at high school

You do manage

I'm a single parent and I work ft. My DC are teens, but I use up nearly every single holiday going to teachers' meetings, dentists, doctors, orthodontists. I take a half day and people say ''enjoy your half day!'' and I'm thinking 'um............''.

And I accept this. But what beggared belief for me was that people actually judged me for being on benefits when they were tiny. I would like to know how i could have managed. This is where somebody usually pipes up to suggest that I pick a better man! That's a great plan but not one you can fix later unfortunately.

Good luck to every body juggling. Make the men do their share! grrrrr.

@Oysterbabe teething pretty much always causes a raised temperature and an inflammatory response 🙄

@Andysbestadventure

There is no evidence to support the fact that Fever and diarrhoea are symptoms of teething. Flushed with a slightly raised temp maybe but unlikely to be teething if temp is above 100.

Evidence is anecdotal only and is the reason (sometimes serious) infections are missed in babies of teething age.

I agree. It sucks hugely. I have two dc and work FT, as does my husband. His job is really inflexible (but pays way more than mine) so generally I do the pick ups when the kids are ill as my job does allow for that. We don’t have family nearby and no friends who could help out. I remember one morning being told, as I was dropping my DD, that they thought she had conjunctivitis so she couldn’t stay. I just burst into tears as I started the whole routine of telling work, calling the GP for an appointment so I could get a prescription for eye drops. Fortunately a friend saw me and gave me the “it sucks and we’ll get through it, and btw this is how you get a non prescription dose of eye drops” talk.
What has helped us is that we now do half nursery / half nanny (also because the nursery is closed half the time as it follows school holidays) and the nanny is pretty flexible about hours.

Other things that have helped, and admittedly are down to luck largely

• my manager has three small kids so totally gets it. She’s also in another country so is less concerned about me showing my face (as she wouldn’t see it any way), as long as the job gets done
• my work allows for emergency leave. For both kids when I went back to work, I felt like I was constantly out. My DD was I’ll all the time from January to April this year. She had conjunctivitis, chicken pox, every virus going, sinusitis ... in the end we took her to a paediatrician (the GP just said it was her age), who suggested that she has an iron / zinc deficiency and needed more red meat in her diet, she we did that and she’s been doing much better
• my work offers paid emergency childcare. We get allocated 5 days worth of care a year, and I have the option of nanny / childminder or nursery. We’ve done the nanny and nursery options, depending on what’s going on.

It really sucks. I had the HORRIBLE work situation as well where I was the only person doing my role for over a year (whereas in other regions they had 3-5 people covering the same role). It’s only after nearly a year that they’ve hired someone to help me out and I can finally go on leave and not check my blackberry. It’s been brutal

It’s shit if you can’t work from home. I have a very flexible employer so can usually work around the kids when they’re ill - at least enough to keep the plates spinning. DH either works at home or on client sites which can be anywhere in the UK so him being around for collection is hit and miss. My nearest useful relatives are an hour away and teachers. DH’s nearest useful relative is 7 hours drive and runs a business and has health issues. She does come and stay if there’s a long illness like chicken pox.

It is worth establising agreements with a spouse even before marriage - we did; we moved hundreds of miles away from family to follow my career to London and shared caer if or daily nanny was sick which she wasn't often as she knew how difficult it was for us to step in and although ultimately I earned 10x more than my husband he was a full time teacher with a scholold ay to 6pm and often beyond (private school) - I remember him being told female teachers with children could leav on time, miss meetings etc where as he (even though he was first port of call if our daily nanny was sick and he was the one who mostly got home first from work, he was not allowed the same concessions as women).