How are mothers supposed to go back to work??

[ArtichokeAardvark]

I've just had the dreaded call from nursery to come and collect DS. 'Hello Mrs X, I'm afraid your son is unwell, please could you come and pick him up asap'.

My son is teething. Yes, he's a bit grumpy, but he's teething. Yes, he has a temperature but it's only 38.0 so not exactly an emergency. They admitted themselves he's running around happily with the other children, just being a little bit whingier than normal.

But no, I have to collect him. No they can't even give Teetha homeopathic stuff without a doctor's prescription. And please could I keep him home for 24 hours after his temp goes back to normal.

I am slammed at work. I'm the only person in my department this week and I'm desperately trying to tie up everything this month before I go on mat leave. I would drop everything if my son was genuinely unwell, but for god's sake he's TEETHING.

How the hell are mothers meant to be able to go back to work? This happens with depressingly regularity and my employer is luckily understanding but their patience is beginning to wear thin...

My OH was far more concerned about maintaining an income for his family than challenging the structure.

On an individual level I understand.

But it still gets me mad! For instance, from my mid-late 20s, I knew I needed to think about policies like maternity leave, flexible working, organisational culture. Before we were anywhere near ready for children I changed jobs to get into a big organisation that has terrific family friendly policies. I stayed a bit longer than ideally I might have, specifically because of this.

My DH didn’t do any of that consideration. I didn’t mention to him that he should, either - it’s clear to me now that, as a woman, it was so internalised in me that I needed to think about this stuff but only I needed to think about it. I just didn’t even consider that my DH was a team member with me in this aspect! I was thinking about the impact of motherhood on my career and totally not understanding that his career needed to complement and facilitate mine, and vice versa.

So I understand how it happens, but it’s wrong that it happens. Change needs to be as much on an individual level as on a business or government level. The personal is political. Men need to step up and take responsibility.

That’s why I’ll be absolutely banging it into my DC that having a family is shared work that affects both parents and they need to consider that as they choose employers and build a career.

@speakout not meaning to be rude, but couldn’t your DH get a job elsewhere? I mean who in their right mind would stay at a company like that?

I sympathise because it is difficult when they are little and catch all the bugs going. Ours are school age now, but my DH and I both keep back several annual leave days to see us over the winter months in case they get ill. I am always prepared to use my right to unpaid special leave if need be too.
Before we had children I made sure I was settled in a job where I knew they had family friendly policies and where they would be sympathetic to a request for PT hours. We also settled near my parents for a bit of help, both ways (I totally appreciate this isn’t always an option) We also stayed put in a small flat instead of buying a bigger house and lived very modestly so that we could still afford the mortgage, if I ever had to give up work for childcare reasons. Young children get sick a lot and you really need to build in capacity to cope with this.

It's easy to say demand rights, but in the real world we have to be realistic

Rights in the workplace for women (maternity leave, protection from discrimination, reasonable adjustments, etc) weren't granted out of the benevolence of their employers. They were fought for long and hard, and won by the actions of brave individuals, working collectively.

If you want things to be better, you have to fight for it. Saying "I wish things were different, but changing them is hard. I guess I'll just put up with it" isnt being realistic, it's being lazy.

You need a better daycare. Mine gives calpol, ibuprofen and uses teething gel with permission from me.

CosmoK Easy to say, but certain sectors of industry continue to have a very male dominated bullish culture.
He invested a lot of effort retraining himself later in life- doing a degree at the age of 38- to become qualified in the sector he works, so jumping again was going to be unrealistic.
And it is not just one employer within his sector- and I imagine many sectors of business are similar. He has worked for 5 small companies-over the past 20 years, and each have had exactly the same ethos. Almost no women in technical teams, all the men who are fathers supported by women who work part time or SAHM.
I had a similar job before kids. - last minute all night work without notice lots of travel, days off cancelled.
I know the whole thig is fucked, many workplaces are deeply mysogynistic, but we have to consider options.
We can raise our heads above the parapets- take a stance, and prepare to be taken out, but how many of us want to use our familes as a battering ram against the system?
Or we try to travel the easiest way through and take the route of least resistance. Which for our family was me giving up work completely.
Having said that, my time and freedom gave me massive opportunities to re -direct my views and work.

I have been there OP and it is really tough and very stressful. What is really striking is the number of responses that say their partner or DH cannot do emergency pick ups because they earn more, have less flexibility in their job, do not have an understanding employer, they more responsibilities etc. So many excuses for that show that very little has changed in the workplace and that the full burden is on the women

FineWordsForAPorcupine
If you want things to be better, you have to fight for it. Saying "I wish things were different, but changing them is hard. I guess I'll just put up with it" isnt being realistic, it's being lazy.

It's not being lazy. Sometimes we have to challenge the paradigm by back door routes.

speakout did your DH consider the impact of entering that sector on his ability be actively involved in all aspects of parenting?
Men need to start thinking long term just like many women do.
Entering a sector that is inherently misogynistic and sitting back and letting those practices continue is just perpetuating inequality.

CosmoK

He was single and child free when he entered that career.

Much like I was single and child free when I entered my career path- also male centered and misogynistic. I gave any possible parental inequality no thought- why would I? Why would he?

speakout actually lots of women do. They move into sectors and organisations which are known to have excellent parental rights and flexibility before they've had children because they know it could be important in the future.

It's one of the things women look for in an employer. funnily enough it doesn't appear on the list of things men look for

@CosmoK Men and women aren’t two completely separate groups who are only capable of one thought. I’m fairly certain some of the women I work with who have full time nannies didn’t look for flexibility (two genuinely find it awful that I don’t have a nanny).

Where as I work with two men who both work part time so their wives can maintain a fulltime career.

I didn’t choose my employer based on supposed flexibility, I chose them as a single parent who needed to pay his bills to put a roof over his childs head.

CosmoK

I understand your point. We don't all think ahead like this. Men or women.
I was set against having children for all my 20s- and most of my 30s.
Was not for me.
Things change. People change.
I loved my career- sexy hi-tech science, cutting edge, worked through nights and weekends with no notice.
Having babies was not a consideration.

I guess what is frustrating is so many women insisting that the situation they are in - a partner who doesn't do 50% of the parenting, giving up work to cover childcare, or having to find another woman (childminder, relative, female friend) to cover the shortfall, etc - is just a one off, a chance occurrence, that simply happens to be the best /only solution for their family. People saying "well, my DH is just unlucky in that he can't take time off work for childcare" as if it's just that - luck.

They refuse to acknowledge the structural sexism that has influenced them into these roles - it's not a coincidence that this situation is replicated over and over again, and is very rare to see with the genders reversed.

They refuse to acknowledge the structural sexism that has influenced them into these roles - it's not a coincidence that this situation is replicated over and over again, and is very rare to see with the genders reversed.

I totally acknowledege the structural sexism. But at an individual level we often can't do much to change that- we can simply make the best of a bad job. Parenthood- motherhood is tough enough without trying to lead a rebellion head on.

But at an individual level we often can't do much to change

That's not true - individuals are capable of changing things, both by themselves, and by joining together to act collectively. All movements, organisations, groups and rebellions are made up of individuals.

If change isn't accomplished by individuals, then how does anything ever change? Chance? You expecting the world to just...get better?

FineWordsForAPorcupine

When we are in the thick of it sometimes going with the flow is the easiest option as a temporary measure.
It's not to say we are stuck forever.
I had a paradign shift.

paradigm !

Yeh, I GET it. But at the time, with two dependants and a low income potential (ie, not a sought after candidate) employers could and did capitalise on me. I was working ft at one point for little more than minimum wage and I thought, I'll give it my best, it will get better, the pay will improve, and then they fired me after Christmas. Now that I'm in a better situation I wouldn't allow anybody to treat me so badly but when you're in the middle of that storm of disadvantages, it is very hard. I feel a little more 'power' to bring about change for those behind me (with younger kids) than I ever felt I had at the time.

simonT I never said all women or all men. However, research ( some of it my own) show that women are far more likely to consider how family friendly an organisation or sector is. It's just another example of how men and women make different choices according to their sex. The fact is, women participate in the labour market differently to men and still face inequalities. Women are still under-represented in certain fields, they are more likely to be under utilising their talents and skills and are more likely to be responsible for childcare.
There are huge social and structural inequalities that need addressing.

I sympathise with you as mine are now 16 and 11 and I took some years out as my husbands job was so inflexible that it fell to me and this compromised me sat work. We have had some serious illness in our family and in the end I was glad I was around to deal with it but when the children were young we needed my salary and it was very stressful juggling everything. Reasonably it needs to be shared but in our situation my husband earned more than me ( only 10k initially) but now earns double what I do . We live in London and bought some years ago and on reflection have made the best decisions we could but our childcare responsibilities in terms of looking after when ill have not been equally shared and it’s tough so I really feel for you . Good Luck with everything 💐

Why does that fact your husband earns more mean he can't be flexible?

I found the further up the tree I got the more flexible my job became. I say that to every young woman I met. Before children push yourself. If you work in a shop make sure you’re a manager, if you’re a brain surgeon be the best in your field, then have kids. You’ve more negotiating power.

And save. I will encourage my girls to have £10,000 in the bank before babies and not let it drop below that.

That's been my experience inliverpool which is why I despair when I see women saying they had to do all the sick days etc. because their husband earns more.