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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL....bloody MIL

193 replies

Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 15:59

I am in the very early stages of pregnancy. I had to tell her about this because we were out together and I was taken ill. I asked her to please, please not tell anyone, including his siblings as his sister is rather unpleasant and has caused some problems in the past with nastiness.

Obviously she has now told the sister and does not think she has done anything wrong/can’t see the issue/won’t apologise. Despite having said she wouldn’t tell her, her answer is “we are a family and I don’t want to keep secrets”.

I’m only 8 weeks ffs I don’t want anyone to know. Why has she done this?! AIBU to just never tell her anything ever again or update her re the pregnancy. I’m so irritated.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/11/2019 16:00

You can’t trust her so you’re right to limit updates as much as possible, and tell her why.

champagneandfromage50 · 26/11/2019 16:02

She has ignored your request and sadly can’t be trusted. Hope the relationship improves before baby arrives

Howlovely · 26/11/2019 16:04

I'd be really pissed off about this too. My boss of all people did the same thing and I was furious. I think it's fair to say that she won't know anything about your pregnancy from now on as she has not only shown she can't be trusted by betraying your confidence but she hasn't even got the grace to acknowledge this and apologise. I'd make this very clear to her too.

Winterdaysarehere · 26/11/2019 16:06

So now you know.
She won't get to be privvy to anything else will she?
No preview of name /sex /whatever else...
She can't be trusted.

Alsohuman · 26/11/2019 16:06

Why on earth did you tell her? Pregnancy is just one of a multitude of reasons for feeling unwell.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:06

howlovely

Your boss?!? Whaaaaat?! What was his “justification“?!

Would it be very childish to limit info like the gender, when we know? It’s not a secret I just don’t want her to know a bloody thing I am really so pissed off but I’m also in a general pregnancy rage so am reassured to know so far people don’t think IAMBU

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:08

alsohuman

I was passing out and needed something to eat and I was in a very bad place. I suppose I also thought (silly me) I could trust her. But mostly I was a bit desperate.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2019 16:10

Lesson learned, she can't be trusted.

I wouldn't be telling her anything about anything, pregnancy related or not.

Bee1511 · 26/11/2019 16:11

She might not of meant it in a nasty way. Maybe she was excited about telling someone but I TOTALLY get your frustration. My mum was a nightmare. I told her around 5-6 weeks and she went around telling her friends, other relatives I’m not close to. Infuriating! In our situation mil was great and didn’t tell a soul until we were ready (she’s a nightmare in other ways though).

MinnieMountain · 26/11/2019 16:13

Limit her knowledge. She'll never understand.

My MIL is otherwise lovely but she told a mutual acquaintance about my MC, which I've always thought is a rather private sort of thing. So when I had cancer, DH specifically asked her to not share until I was ready. She promised, then told her friends anyway.

NoSauce · 26/11/2019 16:15

What are the reasons for not wanting to tell anyone? Is she usually one to gossip?

In the grand scheme of things unless there’s a unique or specific reason nobody should know, it’s irritating and not great on her part but not the end of the world.

It’s not like it’s a secret that nobody would have never found out about. You’re pregnant, they’ll know soon enough.

Chalk it up and don’t tell her anything again.

GojuRyuLover · 26/11/2019 16:17

YANBU if you don't tell her anything else about your pregnancy. She's proven that you can't trust her.

My MIL announced the birth of her grandchild (not my child) before the parents did :|
So safe to say I will only be telling her things about my pregnancy immediately before announcing it to everyone.

7salmonswimming · 26/11/2019 16:18

Oh yes, I've had the "we're all family, we don't keep secrets" thing, together with an unspoken "I'm the matriarch and what I say goes, you newcomer".

DH didn't believe me for the first 8 years or so of our marriage.

Now she gets told things on a strict need-to-know basis.

These types always end up shooting themselves in the foot.

MummyJasmin · 26/11/2019 16:23

Careful what you share with her. She can't be trusted.

Congratulations btw Flowers hope you're feeling better.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:28

What are the reasons for not wanting to tell anyone? Is she usually one to gossip?

Last pregnancy SIL did a large amount of shit stirring which caused considerable upset and therefore that. But also, you know, I am very early on (I was 6 weeks at the time), so I didn’t want anyone to know (still don’t) in case something goes wrong.

I am assuming she knows somewhere it was a secret, as she didn’t tell us she told SIL, and SIL hasn’t been in touch To congratulate etc. We just had a sneaky feeling and DH asked her and she admitted she had told her.

OP posts:
Howlovely · 26/11/2019 16:28

@Whyyyyytho - I had a high-risk pregnancy for various reasons so needed lots of appointments and therefore time off so I had to let my boss know really early on. I told her she was to keep it quiet but she decided she was 'just so excited' she 'couldn't wait to tell people'. She's also a shit-stirring narcissist who knows how much I hate her and how little she is respected though so I know exactly why she did it.

NoSauce · 26/11/2019 16:32

Last pregnancy SIL did a large amount of shit stirring which caused considerable upset and therefore that

What was the shit stirring about?

RuggerHug · 26/11/2019 16:33

Tell her nothing. Any pregnancy/baby questions answer with 'we don't know yet' and 'why would you want to know?'.

Add a month to your due date too.

saraclara · 26/11/2019 16:33

"we're all family, we don't keep secrets"

"in that case, MIL, I know not to tell you anything at all"

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:34

nosauce

She is inexplicably friends with DH’s ex from 10 years ago and decided to tell her about the pregnancy and rile her up. Cue extremely unpleasant messages being received blah blah blah. Very childish, very tedious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:35

howlovely

Jesus Christ! Did you say anything to HR? What a bitch

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/11/2019 16:35

...and yes, tell her nothing.

And if she asks, say you'll tell her when you're ready for everyone in the world to know, since she's already explained that she won't keep things to herself.

DirtyTicket · 26/11/2019 16:35

I had this. I'd had 2 miscarriages and was terrified in the early stages of my 3rd pregnancy. We kept the pregnancy quiet for obvious reasons. Husband told his mum who was sworn to secrecy. She then told SIL who proceeded to tell everyone else in the family.

I was so upset and angry. I've since learned that none of his family can keep a secret and are unable to keep their noses out of each others business.

When I went into labour, none of them were told. I had comments from one SIL afterwards who was 'gutted' because she loved the drama of someone being in labour and finding out how far along they were. I told her that my cervix was nobody's business but my own. And none of them were told about subsequent pregnancies until around 12 weeks.

Sorry, OP, that was much longer than I meant it to be. But definitely play your cards close to your chest in future. It's your news to share, and nobody has the right to take that away from you. Best wishes.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:35

saraclara

Quite!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 26/11/2019 16:35

You now know never to tell her anything again. And tell Dh to keep his mouth shut too. No point stressing now but if she asks anything later on about the gender, tell her straight that you can't trust her to keep it to herself.

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