MIL....bloody MIL

[Whyyyyytho]

I am in the very early stages of pregnancy. I had to tell her about this because we were out together and I was taken ill. I asked her to please, please not tell anyone, including his siblings as his sister is rather unpleasant and has caused some problems in the past with nastiness.

Obviously she has now told the sister and does not think she has done anything wrong/can’t see the issue/won’t apologise. Despite having said she wouldn’t tell her, her answer is “we are a family and I don’t want to keep secrets”.

I’m only 8 weeks ffs I don’t want anyone to know. Why has she done this?! AIBU to just never tell her anything ever again or update her re the pregnancy. I’m so irritated.

Aw OP you have my sympathies. We purposefully told my MIL & her sister I was pregnant as we knew asking her to keep it to herself would be a challenge! Not, in our case, in a mean way but it’s just how his family works. I find it incredibly suffocating at times.

Have had a fairly easy pregnancy mostly, but have been to the hospital twice, once with a horrid urine infection causing so much pain and tightenings in early 2nd trimester, and reduced movements. Both times the wider family know, and everyone is supportive and they mean well, but it’s MY life! I have been struggling emotionally, and everyone knows that too.

We get on great, she’s hugely supportive and would be mortified if I told her the family shares too much, but it does make us want to share less! I’m sorry to hear how hard things are now with your MIL.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

@Whyyyyytho your MIL's behaviour sounds horribly familiar. Unfortunately DM doesn't apologise as she's never in the wrong.

Her first comment on coming to meet DC1, was to tell me she had sat crying in the car when I wouldn't let her in the hospital, as she was too upset to drive. Didn't ask how either of us actually were.

When she came to meet DC2, again didn't ask how either of us were. Walked in and immediately picked up, sleeping 4hr old DC, and handed me her camera to take a photo. She was most put out that I asked her not to put it on Facebook as we hadn't told all the family yet!

I'd almost be tempted to start sending out mis-information.

Eg: after your scan, tell MIL you think it's a girl and SIL a boy. When they swap gossip and come back to you say that you've no idea why they think that as you don't know.

Or tell one the you are hoping for a boy but DH wants a girl then tell the other the reverse.

• You tell them that you've registered for a home birth but DH tells them you're thinking of booking an ECS.
• Come up with outlandish names or that you are naming them after your parents.
• Wildly differing due dates (obviously weeks after your real date)

You could make it a competition between you to see who can come up with the best/funniest mis-information.

Even better if you can get the mis-information to them both via a third party.

@moominmammy

How do you handle your DM on a day to day basis when she behaves like that?

@mumW

Your ideas really made me chuckle; but I don’t even think we will be in touch to do those sorts of things, frankly. She’s pretty volatile - if she’s already asking if she should return Ds’ Christmas gift it implies we won’t be seeing her around Christmas either/I don’t have the patience to go through this shit a second time around so if she wants to have it this way she is welcome to have it this way.

@whyyyyytho I have learnt to ignore a lot. I used to get very upset, but she is entirely oblivious.

Having DC has made it harder as I really fail to understand how a DM can behave that way, plus she likes to invoke her rights to her GC.

I enforce boundaries quite firmly, if she steps out of line then she only has supervised access etc. It's exhausting, but avoids the emotional blackmail and tantrums that follow not allowing contact.

@moominmammy

I would like to manage a situation like that. Like I feel that perhaps I am being a bit harsh and using this as my hill to die on but I really, really think she needs to learn that either she behaves appropriately or she can’t be a part of our lives. Easier said than done. More likely to just not have contact for a period then have her try to act like nothing has happened.

@moominmammy

Any advice for how you deal with your mother?

Having read this comment @Whyyyyytho "if she’s already asking if she should return Ds’ Christmas gift it implies we won’t be seeing her around Christmas either/I don’t have the patience to go through this shit a second time around so if she wants to have it this way she is welcome to have it this way" if she made contact again I would have to be held back from sending her another messaging "Well MiL, you are doing a fantastic impression of a baby throwing their toys out of the pram. There is only one baby here and if you insist on carrying on as you are, you will not be seeing it, or us at all. Your call."

@whyyyyytho tbqh before I had DC I was as low contact as possible. I always used to feel responsible for her happiness, as she was a lone parent and I am an only child.

DH has been great at making me realise her treatment of me is unacceptable. It's almost like dealing with a small child. You have to cope with a minor tantrum when you say no, but in the long run it shows them you are in control and avoids further poor behaviour.

If I thought I could live with the guilt, I would cut her off altogether.

Whyyyyytho
It's not brilliant but i now live in a different country so don't have to deal with her often!
She spends alot of time sniping and trying to one up me with her son (my dh) and arguing the toss about any parenting decisions we make (as if she has a say) 🙄

Mostly I ignore her, I have a habit of thinking 'if you wrestle with a pig, you'll both get covered in shite but the pig will enjoy it!' whenever she tries to play her games which has the added bonus of me smirking at her which she can't deal with!

My poor dh does have to put up with me ranting about her though!

Someone upthread asked why MILs and DMs do this.

It'll be different for everyone, but in my DM's case, I think she a) finds it difficult to empathise with others in general and b) doesn't really see her children as separate individuals in their own right (so it's totally fine to share incredibly personal information about them, and to withhold information that directly affects them).

My DM is not actually evil. She doesn't set out to hurt people (though that is often the result of her behaviour). She does try to get on with people and she does get upset when she (eventually) realises she's upset people and has been persuaded by several others that they aren't BU to be upset. (Crucial differences here between her and OP's DM)

However. I learned (for the first time) around about age 11 that the only way to keep things private was to keep things private. I've since learned that lesson the hard way over and over again. She never listens.

I would love to have a closer, less superficial, more meaningful relationship with her but I can't tell her anything about eg. the miscarriages I've had, the MH difficulties I've had in the past and am currently struggling with, anything about my pregnancy or plans for birth (and currently trying to decide what/when to tell her about the birth, not at all sure if we want her coming to the hospital yet because of her habit of taking unflattering photos of me against my express wishes and then sharing them on Facebook). I don't want to hurt her feelings unnecessarily but I don't want her hurting mine either.

It's really sad, and I've had to grieve for the relationship with my mother that I will never have. I totally understand why OP and her DH have repeatedly tried to get on with MIL because it's not an easy thing to accept.

OP's MIL, sorry, not OP's DM

@WhatchaMaCalllit

Hahahah, what a fantastic message!

Most of these responses are either really cheering me up or making me feel better just because it’s not just my MIL who is so dastardly (sad though that is for everyone else experiencing this, sorry 😔)

@Witsendagain

Fantastic expression 😆🐷 going to start using it

@moominmammy

I am trying to see it that way too, like dealing with a child. It’s so difficult to know if she is just a bitch or if she has problems or what her actual motivations are. I find the whole “gosh” business extremely fucking grating though, it smacks of pretending to be virtuous and good.

@Tableclothing

I’m sorry for you - it must be devastating to feel you can’t share the most intimate parts of your life with your own mother

Honestly I feel quite sorry for her, she has missed out on so much because of how she behaves. Both her sons and quite a few other people laugh at her behind her back because she acts so bonkers. She thinks she is central in both her sons lives but actually she is so much on the outskirts because of how she has treated both me and other dil.
My advice is treat her how you would a child. Decide a consequence and carry it through. I would personally refuse contact until you had an apology from her, then the ball is in her court.
I used a mixture of evasion and bluntness to avoid giving info... in some cases I would just change the subject, if she refused to let it drop I would say mil I am not giving you this information because as you have indicated I cannot trust you to follow our wishes. I once caught her trying to flip through my medical notes when I returned from the bathroom (they were in my desk draw) on that occasion my dh escorted her out of the house and refused to let her back until she had apologised. We had the temper tantrums, the guilt trips, the other people contacting to say how upset she was but eventually she apologised! When she next came she turned on the tears and tried to justify it as her being the victim so she only wanted to know what was going on with her first grandchild (blob of cells at that point the only info was regarding me) I told her that i appreciated her apology but was still upset so it was probably best not to discuss it then changed the subject.

@witsendagain

I think that’s an excellent tactic and will tell DH we must try the same. Even a “I can see why you are upset” would suffice!

Can’t believe flipping through your medical notes 😱

Whyyyyytho luckily she didn't get very far because I heard the draw go! Her face when I asked her what she was doing (she didn't realise I was behind her) was almost as good as her face when her son escorted her out without me saying anything!

Good luck with your situation though!

It really is a lesson in how not to behave as a MIL! I will be so lovely to my DIL 😂🙈

Some time ago I saw a colleague fondly looking at a pic of a positive pregnancy test on her phone. Said nothing. Many weeks later she told me she was expecting, and I was so 'surprised' and excited for her. Only the meanest person would want to deprive a pregnant mum/dad of the delight of telling others THEIR wonderful news and being on the receiving end of all the surprise / pleasure outpouring. It's not the same when the response is 'yeah, I know - Jane told me last week.'
OP, let your MIL reap what she has sown.

To be honest what she did emailing your photo round with the comments, was much worse than this.

I must be very unforgiving, because I wouldn't have a relationship with her at all after that, regardless of having a child.

She would have had to apologise to me and tell every family member who she emailed that she was wrong to behave as she did.

I haven't got time for such terrible behaviour from someone who should know better. No matter what she thought of your appearance, that was exceedingly low behaviour from her.

If my MIL had done that, she wouldn't have a relationship with my DC.

@sandyy2k

It wasn’t about my appearance, that’s the thing. She has told me on several occasions I could be a model and been very complimentary. I believe it was supposed to be about my behaviour?! I was holding a glass of champagne in one photo as it was my bridal shower... it was all completely baffling to be honest. Maybe she thinks I’m a troglodyte? Either way you are correct, it was extremely shitty behaviour. I suppose I just hate unpleasant situations as well and seek a resolution where possible so it’s not all permanently cloudy and unpleasant in the back of my mind. But here we are there again!

Maybe she thought you were getting married because you were already pregnant?

justilou1

How would me drinking champagne at my bridal shower prove that?! We had a 9 month engagement so hardly!

Oh.... I was thinking maybe she was being judged because you were “drinking when pregnant” - drama llamas love to make shit like that up, anyway. She definitely sounds like a piece of work. (I haven’t spoken to my MIL for 2.5yrs and it’s been bloody wonderful!)