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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL....bloody MIL

193 replies

Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 15:59

I am in the very early stages of pregnancy. I had to tell her about this because we were out together and I was taken ill. I asked her to please, please not tell anyone, including his siblings as his sister is rather unpleasant and has caused some problems in the past with nastiness.

Obviously she has now told the sister and does not think she has done anything wrong/can’t see the issue/won’t apologise. Despite having said she wouldn’t tell her, her answer is “we are a family and I don’t want to keep secrets”.

I’m only 8 weeks ffs I don’t want anyone to know. Why has she done this?! AIBU to just never tell her anything ever again or update her re the pregnancy. I’m so irritated.

OP posts:
22xx · 28/11/2019 07:31

This is so awful. I have two sisters. After having had a hysterectomy I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to get used to it then decide if I wanted to tell anyone at all. They told EVERYONE. I was in ASDA doing my shopping, a loud male voice said "Hello'. My sister's brother in law. He asked me if, after a hysterectomy, did I feel as if I have a space 'down there'. A friend of the other sister told me where I could buy herbal remedies to 'go to the toilet'. 😆 My sisters insisted they hadn't done anything wrong. To cut a long story short, everyone knew. I then told people that my sisters had made a mistake. It was a hernia op.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 28/11/2019 07:59

22xx

Jesus fucking Christ! That is SO awful! Do you still see them?

Apparently DH’s mother said to him
Over the phone “you have to assume if you tell me something I’m going to tell SIL and my boyfriend”. So not like when she promised she would tell
No one then....

OP posts:
22xx · 28/11/2019 08:53

Wow. I'm a mother in law and a much loved grandmother. I had the most awful mother in law. She stuck her nose in everything, ruled the roost. Even wanted to know if we were 'trying' for a baby. Gave me tips!!!! I swore I would never become like her. I didn't. When my 3 sons married I was there for all of them but gave no advice, made no suggestions unless asked. Always available. I then found out that my daughters in law described me as someone who wasn't really interested!! We mother's in law can't win.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 28/11/2019 09:39

we mothers in law can’t win

I don’t agree with this, at all. I know plenty of people who love their mothers in law! I really really made a huge effort with mine and wanted to get on. My mother is a mother in law to 3 and treats them al the same - 2 love her and 1 can’t stand her. So there is also an element of luck with your personalities getting on/DIL making an effort etc etc. Honestly I think having good intentions is half the battle. It does worry me though as I have a son.

OP posts:
22xx · 28/11/2019 10:47

Whyyyyytho. Hi. I get o fine with my daughters in law. Maybe I didn't explain properly. After having my sisters who spread the word about my hysterectomy, my mother in law who gave me advice on when and how to become pregnant (many years agooooooo) I didn't want my daughters in law to feel the way I felt, at that time. Obviously I held back too much. We are fine now but I still 'hold my tongue' unless asked. Its as hard to BE a mother in law as it is to HAVE a mother in law. When babies are on the way it takes us back, we still have the mothering instinct, we see our kids in these 'new babies'. We want to be a part of their lives. We sometimes don't really realise we seem to be taking over. SORRY girls on behalf of many MIL out here. We just want to feel useful and don't know how to go about it.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 28/11/2019 10:58

22xx

I can easily see how this happens - when I had DS my mother said she feels as though I am the manager and she is the CEO, being my mother so the “total overseer”, if that’s makes sense. It’s hard to be a good MIL, I’m sure. To be a shit one must be very easy!

I already feel so weak and like messaging her to ask her to just sort it out with DH as he is so upset. I don’t think he will get over being dropped by his mother a second time.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 28/11/2019 11:07

My sister's brother in law. He asked me if, after a hysterectomy, did I feel as if I have a space 'down there'.

@22xx - wowser. I am SO sorry you had to endure that crassness.
Your sisters were absolute traitors to you, but the BiL bloke ... jeez that comment is fucking punchable. But I hope you were soon able to laugh at how utterly, unbelieveably STUPID the man is.

messolini9 · 28/11/2019 11:14

I already feel so weak and like messaging her to ask her to just sort it out with DH as he is so upset.
Understandable.
& wanting to reach out isn't "weak", it's what reasonable & rational people do. But as we know, she won't respond reasonably or rationally, she will take any overture as an admission of "fault" & an occasion to invent more drama.

I don’t think he will get over being dropped by his mother a second time.
And just maybe ... he doesn't need to. Eventually. Please give him a copy of the "Understanding the Borderline Mother" book I linked to above.
It's immaterial whether MiL actually suffers from BPD or is just a common-or-garden arsehole: he will recognise the 'type' in the book & be able to reassure himself that it's not his fault, that he's not alone, & that there are effective tactics for dealing with her.

OrangeZog · 28/11/2019 11:24

YANBU. I’m another one who has experienced others thinking it’s perfectly acceptable to go against what I have specifically requested and tell others everybody! and totally betray my trust.

Personally I wouldn’t even tell your MIL when your baby arrives and just leave her to find out from somebody else.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 28/11/2019 11:42

messolini9

You are right (as with all other posts!) will
Get that book for DH

OP posts:
22xx · 28/11/2019 11:53

Well, I've just spent my morning reading all the messages. I'm in the middle of 'supposedly doing my housework' but much more interesting reading. Congratulations to all you pregnant ladies. For all who are having the first one (and the following ones), the feeling you will get when the baby is put into your arms is out of this world. You will forget any pain, you may even forget how much you all dislike your M/L.. and the rest. I had 3 in 3 years. Have a lovely day. Forget the people you are annoyed at, you'll get heartburn and need Gaviscon. Best wishes Whyyyyetc., I don't know you but I like you (as in how you 'come over', you remind me of me

Halestorm · 28/11/2019 12:31

In my case its DM not MIL who blabbed everything. To the point when we changed our mind from having a short engagement to a longer one in order to focus on fertility treatment following recurrent miscarriages, DM told everyone her side of the family exactly that. Her indignant response was "what was I supposed to tell them??" Oh I dunno mum. Considering we hadn't even got the ring yet, just say we have yet to set a date? Hmm
Now she finds out along with the rest of the world anything we want to announce and I wouldn't even trust her to keep a birthday surprise quiet enough. It pisses her off but I gave her many chances not to blab until she just went too far.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/11/2019 17:35

My sister's brother in law. He asked me if, after a hysterectomy, did I feel as if I have a space 'down there'.

What a vile piece of shit!!!! Who asks anyone a question like that?

You must have felt as though he'd slapped you 22xx - bad enough that he'd been told, but to make a foul comment like that is horrible.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 28/11/2019 18:08

Just to stick up for MIL & DIL our there for a moment, I absolutely adore mine. She's completely amazing and I hope, if I become a MIL one day that I will be half as good and she.

Yes, she told all her friends and family after we had to announce early (HG) and we were a bit irritated but she was so full of joy and excitement that all those people should have realised something was up. I'd actually forgotten until reading this thread.

As for my own mother - I think I will take a look at that book myself...

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 28/11/2019 18:13

What a vile piece of shit!!!! Who asks anyone a question like that?

It’s really disgusting, isn’t it? Like no one would even really think that so it was surely meant to be nasty and that’s it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 28/11/2019 18:13

22xx

Thank you - very sweet of you and nice to hear

OP posts:
moominmammy · 28/11/2019 21:01

It's so sad that so many of us have mothers and mother in laws that have no respect or boundaries. Good luck to all the ladies waiting to meet their babies and strength to all of you dealing with toxic people involved in your lives Flowers

calmama · 29/11/2019 19:34

Ugh. My sympathies, OP. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work.

It’s sad so many people manage to make other people’s news about themselves. My MIL is an absolute shocker. That’s a whole other thread. Thankfully she lives in a galaxy far, far away. Though she manages to do damage from there anyway.

When I had my son we only told a few close family, then suddenly my phone started pinging as my idiot BIL sent photos of “my brother’s new son” to mutual friends on WhatsApp. His family never mention me. Never mention I had any role in this boy’s life. He has both our names but they only refer to him as a “Smith”. Not my husband’s real surname, but you get the drift.

My mother is a treat also. I’m never allowed to say anything about myself. Ever. If I do, I’m told “It’s not always about you, calmama”. When we told her I was pregnant I let my husband do the talking. I stayed quiet then mentioned one small thing about morning sickness and she clapped back with her usual. “Stop talking about yourself. It’s not always about YOU, calmama.” She refused to look at ultrasounds and said they were disgusting.

Flash forward to the birth and I didn’t want any visitors. It had been a traumatic birth and the baby just wouldn’t sleep so I was knackered and also having difficulty trying to establish breastfeeding. She came anyway despite knowing this so she could tell me how crap I looked. “It’s not always about you, calmama. I came to see the baby, not you.”

Yeah, definitely not about me...

RenegadeMrs · 29/11/2019 20:35

YANBU. It is a massive betrayal of trust. I don't have much to add apart from my own story.

So many stories in here of similar situations. We had IVF which MIL knew about, so we naturally told her when it was successful but asked her to keep it quite. She told her entire (large) family. I was fuming as was DH. I felt so vulnerable, and it was way to early to tell anyone. And I really felt for DH who was deprived of telling his family after so long hoping. As it was everything turned out ok, but I am 9 weeks pregnant with number 2. My mum knows and DH's doesn't. We have to keep it from everyone on his side as we don't want to put them in the situation of keeping it from her. Makes me so sad for DH.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 29/11/2019 20:42

Little bit of an update...not sure if anyone still reading but would be good to have opinions...

FIL and MIL are divorced, FIL has always been nice to me and therefore no hard feelings there. DH told his father re pregnancy as his mother knew and told him to keep it quiet. Just found out the FIL has told the grandparents.

On one hand we are less annoyed by this because there’s no bad feelings with FIL, and grandparents are very happy etc and we like them. On the other hand it now feels extremely unfair to have exploded at MIL and FIL has effectively done the same thing....DH doesn’t really want to say anything though...

@messolini9

That borderline book arrived today. It’s terrifying how accurate it is! DH was getting very emotional going through it - great recommendation, thank you (it’s quite pricey but worth it)

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 29/11/2019 21:24

I would say something but very calmly to FIL about it has turned out ok but when you told him not to share the news, you did mean not with anyone. At least then he knows, and it gives him the chance to apologise rather than deny he's done anything wrong as MIL did.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/11/2019 22:00

Agree with Buttery

Some people always have to puff themselves up with importance by knowing this, that and the other, and being first to tell.

messolini9 · 29/11/2019 22:22

That borderline book arrived today. It’s terrifying how accurate it is! DH was getting very emotional going through it - great recommendation, thank you (it’s quite pricey but worth it)

Oh Whyyy Flowers
Please give DH a massive hug, or punch on the arm depending on his blokeyness.
That book - after years of coming to terms thru counselling, hits me every time. I have actually wirtten a dedication in it, from my younger self to my now-self, I know that seems soppy but my mother ... arrrgh... much more predatory stuff went on than 'just' the emotional abuse ...
It has been a life-changer to me, & such a comfort,
Knowing that we are not alone, & that our coping strategies - wise or otherwise! - are understandable & rational responses to unendurable pressure ... well bollocks am gonna shut up now but here is to you & DH, & to keeping the 'tip of the stupidity iceberg'^ at bay. Wine

*phrase pinched from a.n.other thread today, I think the bloody highchair Xmas one^

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 30/11/2019 08:37

buttery

Excellent advice, thank you

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 30/11/2019 08:51

You might as well tell everyone now!

I understand you being more annoyed at your MIL because of the history. And think you should still stick to not sharing much with her.