Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL....bloody MIL

193 replies

Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 15:59

I am in the very early stages of pregnancy. I had to tell her about this because we were out together and I was taken ill. I asked her to please, please not tell anyone, including his siblings as his sister is rather unpleasant and has caused some problems in the past with nastiness.

Obviously she has now told the sister and does not think she has done anything wrong/can’t see the issue/won’t apologise. Despite having said she wouldn’t tell her, her answer is “we are a family and I don’t want to keep secrets”.

I’m only 8 weeks ffs I don’t want anyone to know. Why has she done this?! AIBU to just never tell her anything ever again or update her re the pregnancy. I’m so irritated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:36

dirtyticket

Sorry to hear about your MCs. Also about your shitty in laws! I suppose you learn this way, don’t you? I have...

OP posts:
Chunkers · 26/11/2019 16:36

Tell her nothing, especially as she doesn’t see what the problem is.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:37

@7salmonswimming

That’s exactly what it’s about!

OP posts:
egontoste · 26/11/2019 16:39

Your DH needs to read her the riot act on this one, doesn't he?

Boom45 · 26/11/2019 16:39

We didn't tell MIL with our last pregnancy because we knew she'd actually feel really uncomfortable not telling BIL - its not that she's a gossip but she doesn't like secrets, even nice ones, in the family. We knew DH's brother and his wife were trying for a baby (he'd confided in DH) and we thought best not to say anything until we were likely safe from miscarriages etc.
If people can't keep secrets, for whatever reason, its perfectly fine not to ask them to keep them in future.

NoSauce · 26/11/2019 16:43

She is inexplicably friends with DH’s ex from 10 years ago and decided to tell her about the pregnancy and rile her up. Cue extremely unpleasant messages being received blah blah blah. Very childish, very tedious

That is bad.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/11/2019 16:44

Would it be very childish to limit info like the gender, when we know? It’s not a secret I just don’t want her to know a bloody thing I am really so pissed off but I’m also in a general pregnancy rage so am reassured to know so far people don’t think IAMBU

No it wouldn't - don't tell her anything that you would prefer not to. And tell her why - that she betrayed a confidence and you are very hurt and upset by it.

Many women prefer not to let anyone know they are pregnant until after the first trimester, and they are confident that everything is going well. It is an opportunity for many couples to bond in privacy (which is NOT secrecy). This was private information, and she shared it against your request.

Make your own decisions regarding what you tell her - but make sure that she knows how upset you are and that you will find it very hard to trust her again.

VanyaHargreeves · 26/11/2019 16:47

Your MIL is my DM

I have realised that if ever I did conceive, I would not be able to tell her til it was obvious, as there are people I wouldn't want her to tell

She can keep her own secrets but has zero respect for other peoples secrets or their reasoning behind it. She is in fact more likely to tell someone if you specifically ask her not to and explain why. Angry

It's like it is pathological with her, incredibly frustrating.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:47

@Boom45

“I don’t like keeping secrets” is complete bullshit from her. She can keep secrets just fine when it suits her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:49

Your DH needs to read her the riot act on this one, doesn't he?

He and I both have, but she is just saying she did nothing wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️ Very awkward. Supposed to see her this weekend for DH’s birthday lunch but not sure that’s going to happen now...

OP posts:
bluebeck · 26/11/2019 16:50

YANBU

What does DH say about it though? It's all very well saying you won't tell her due date/gender etc etc but can you rely on DH not to spill?

I would be staying well away from her.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 16:51

Can 100% rely on DH. He is a veritable champ at taking my side against his mother. She can be a bit tricky - but she has been behaving for a long while now so wasn’t anticipating this tomfoolery.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 26/11/2019 16:57

Congratulations! I know you're upset with MIL but at least you know not to tell her anything in the future that you don't mind sharing with the world. She refuses to apologise because she thinks that she's in charge of all family knowledge. That keeps her in the position of power. I wouldn't go to the birthday lunch. If you go you will either have another row or she will assume all is forgiven and she was right to share your news.

Tabitha005 · 26/11/2019 16:58

What an awful thing to do. I would definitely be limiting my updates to her and giving VERY scant info whenever she asks anything as the pregnancy progresses.

Does your MIL enjoy a bit of family conflict? Is that why she told your SIL?

nibdedibble · 26/11/2019 17:02

Oh OP I sympathise. Congrats on the pregnancy btw.

Mine tells me things her friends have told her in confidence. So now I meet her friends and think 'oh I remember when you had that abortion' and I don't want to! It's her business!

DH is actually unwell in a way that isn't serious but needs regular monitoring and daily medication - he hasn't told her and BIL is sworn to secrecy because if she knows, that's it, she'll tell everyone (and manage to make it all about her into the bargain).

Bluerussian · 26/11/2019 17:02

Whyyyooo, whether anyone knows or not will not effect your pregnancy. That's just superstition. You'll either have a baby or you won't - and of course I hope you do - regardless of who is told.

I expect your MIL was excited and couldn't keep it to herself though I agree she shouldn't have said anything as you'd asked her not to. Don't be too hard on her about it though.

Congratulations btw.
Flowers

Bluerussian · 26/11/2019 17:07

Whyyyytho: Last pregnancy SIL did a large amount of shit stirring which caused considerable upset and therefore that.
.........

What on earth did she do? You don't have to say but can't help wondering.

Btw my mother had absolutely no concept of confidentiality and if she did repeat something she'd been told she was liable to get it all arse about face as well as adding her own bits. I lost count of the times I pulled her up on it and she never seemed to understand what she'd done wrong.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/11/2019 17:07

"Sorry we can't come to you at the weekend MiL, we don't feel up to the scrutiny that will naturally ensue. @Whyyyyytho politely asked that you not tell anyone about the pregnancy so early on and you refused to keep that confidence. So, this is now the outcome. We will tell you when we're ready to see you again".
Then just chillout on the sofa all weekend!

Happy days!!

SamsMumsCateracts · 26/11/2019 17:11

We had this issue with our first, a very long awaited IVF pregnancy. I had no option but to tell SIL after being sick in her car when I was about six weeks. We hadn't even had our first early scan at the IVF clinic.

Through the ivf process, the one person I was really looking forward to telling was DH's gran.

The day after the morning sickness in the car, DH got a phone call from gran to say "SIL told me about the baby, congratulations". I have never been more fucking fuming in my life. DH massively called SIL out on it, but she didn't think she'd done anything wrong. Apparently she thought gran would like to know.

It completely destroyed any trust we had in her. It has been eight years since then and SIL is still kept at arms length. She was the last to know about DC2 and is always last to know about any news we have as we just can't trust her to respect our right to share our own news ourselves. A couple of years ago DH tested the water by sharing something with her and almost immediately she gossiped. She now moans that she's out of the loop, but it was all her own making.

OP, I'm sorry your MIL has done this, try to rise above it in the knowledge that in the long run she only has herself to blame when she is the last to know your news Thanks

oakleaffy · 26/11/2019 17:12

I suffered hellacious morning sickness {that came on in nauseating waves morning, noon and night} but never, ever let on.

There are plenty of things that make one feel sick, so I'd not have told her...hell no.

Once something has been said, it can't be unsaid..

Asking someone like that ''not to tell'' is a huge spur...it will act more as a tongue loosener :(

messolini9 · 26/11/2019 17:13

She might not of meant it in a nasty way.

Of course she bloody did.
People who don't mean to be nasty don't then stick to their guns after dropping a clanger, insisting that they haven't done anything wrong/can’t see the issue/won’t apologise.

MiL PROMISED not to tell, then told.
She is a stone cold liar, & won't even apologise for it.
That is so disrespectful I don't know how the OP is containing her ire.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 17:16

That is so disrespectful I don't know how the OP is containing her ire

I sent her a couple of fairly salty messages

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 17:17

@Bluerussian

I explained on page 1 - can’t be bothered To type again/it annoys me still 🤬

OP posts:
justasking111 · 26/11/2019 17:18

Why do DMs and MILs do this. Whether my DCs or my DILs tell me anything that is personal, I keep it zipped not even telling DH. That way any problems misunderstandings no-one can point a finger at me.

Sometimes family need to vent privately no need to spread it around and cause a hoo ha amongst them all.

Owwlie · 26/11/2019 17:18

YANBU. My first pregnancy we told the in laws and my parents (including both of our siblings) not long after we found out (DH got very overexcited) and then had a scare at 6 weeks when I started bleeding. MIL then told all of her sisters (there’s 4 of them) because ‘she was just so worried’. I was furious. She had her husband and DHs older sister to talk to if she was so worried. She was given another chance when I was in labour and asked to keep it quiet (didn’t want texts harassing us as I was being induced and it was taking forever) but she did it again.

This pregnancy she found out at 12 weeks and she won’t be finding out when I’m in labour. Although the same also stands for my parents, but because they try and take charge of everything and drive me insane.