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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL....bloody MIL

193 replies

Whyyyyytho · 26/11/2019 15:59

I am in the very early stages of pregnancy. I had to tell her about this because we were out together and I was taken ill. I asked her to please, please not tell anyone, including his siblings as his sister is rather unpleasant and has caused some problems in the past with nastiness.

Obviously she has now told the sister and does not think she has done anything wrong/can’t see the issue/won’t apologise. Despite having said she wouldn’t tell her, her answer is “we are a family and I don’t want to keep secrets”.

I’m only 8 weeks ffs I don’t want anyone to know. Why has she done this?! AIBU to just never tell her anything ever again or update her re the pregnancy. I’m so irritated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 30/11/2019 10:09

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

I know! Bloody hell...

Sending Christmas cards out today. Going to send MIL one (just a standard one with one sentence saying merry Christmas). My aim in doing this is to try to show that although we are annoyed, we are not trying to cut things off with her. If she chooses to cut us off/doesn’t see DS for a period of time then wants to come back, she can absolutely fuck off. I am just not Having her dick my child around like she does hers, it’s too unfair. She’s in or she’s out. And if she’s out a second time she’s not coming back!

OP posts:
Sindragosan · 30/11/2019 12:02

My mother is a nightmare for this kind of stuff - with my first pregnancy told my aunt (who can keep her mouth shut) and then kept harassing me continually asking if she could tell other people yet. By the time she could tell people I was super pissed off.

Now, I don't tell her anything she can't tell everyone including the neighbor's. We're far enough away that she can't find anything out unless I tell her, and it limits visiting too and everyone is happy. I haven't cut off contact (and wouldn't) but it is limited which works fine. She does get a bit huffy when she's the last to know, but I ignore that.

The hardest part was admitting to myself that we'd never have a good relationship, never would, and she'd never see things from my point of view. Part of me still feels sad we won't have the lovely close relationship some people have, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 30/11/2019 12:11

The hardest part was admitting to myself that we'd never have a good relationship, never would, and she'd never see things from my point of view. Part of me still feels sad we won't have the lovely close relationship some people have, and there's nothing I can do to change it

This really touched me; I am so sorry.

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 30/11/2019 16:26

That resonates SIndragosan - I'm now NC with my mother, but this

"The hardest part was admitting to myself that we'd never have a good relationship, never would, and she'd never see things from my point of view. Part of me still feels sad we won't have the lovely close relationship some people have, and there's nothing I can do to change it."

is so true. It's very hard to accept that you will never have the mum that so many people have. It's hard to give up - whether that's LC, NC or whatever. WHich is why people who give it "But she's your muuuuum" really boil my piss. They have no idea

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 30/11/2019 18:56

FIL at least apologised ! Like a normal
Person! Grandparents had received some awful health news and he just wanted to tell them something nice but said he would triple check they wouldn’t tell anyone, understood how personal it was and was very sorry.

Aka a normal response to being called out on that sort of thing.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 30/11/2019 20:59

Big difference between the motives of mil and fil spilling the beans imo.
At least your dc will have some nice relatives!

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 02/12/2019 18:35

Well DH’s birthday is tomorrow and he will be at home, which MIL knows. Our place is an hour from her, but his office is 10 mins away. Usually the day before the presents are dropped at his office. Nothing has arrived though. He is very upset at what this clearly means. I want to throttle her.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 02/12/2019 19:45

Wish him happy birthday from us, OP.
What a cow MIL is.

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 02/12/2019 20:23

@bluetrews25

I will - thank you!

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/12/2019 12:10

Well Happy Birthday @Whyyyyytho's DH.

Your MiL is behaving like a little baby and while your DH might be upset by her behaviour at least he is getting to see what she is really like before your new arrival is on the scene. Better now than later on!

Shesalittlemadam · 03/12/2019 23:37

Any update? @Whyyyyytho

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 04/12/2019 22:14

Yes! An update! She DID send his birthday presents to his office on the day! And she DID message him... at 9 fucking pm on his birthday. Which was on purpose I’m sure so he felt like a piece of shit all day thinking she didn’t love him. He got the presents today when he went to work. No mention of the Christmas card, DS or anything else.

So on one hand quite good - doesn’t seem like she’s cut us off. But on the other hand it’s not friendly. And perhaps in a way would be better to be NC.

Sorry - would have posted yesterday evening but wasn’t sure anyone was still following (thank you those who are, very very helpful and kind).

OP posts:
So12345 · 04/12/2019 22:30

When I was 6 wks pg we had to cancel a meal at my MILs because I was sick and so my DH and I agreed to just tell her why- we didn’t mind telling her but didn’t want anyone else to know. She smiled and told me someone else (and named) in the family was also pg!! So I know my news would have been passed around too. There was no malice in it in my MIL’s case, she just doesn’t keep things to herself.
Sorry to read about your relationship with your MIL. She sounds tricky. I found it easier to tell people as soon as I felt like it and by 8 weeks all my close family knew. But we have had a mc before so we knew we’d have told everyone if the worst was to happen (and not keep it secret).

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 04/12/2019 22:36

so12345

The thing is your story is similar in the way to my FIL telling someone; it comes from a good place really, you have a good relationship and so it just isn’t as much as a problem. It does show you can’t confide in her but ok, you’re not too upset.

My MIL is just something else.

OP posts:
So12345 · 04/12/2019 22:38

OP it sounds like she really is. I feel for you!!

Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/12/2019 09:11

Well, no Christmas call from her. Nothing. DH very upset.

Sent their gifts to them Christmas Eve morning because we had bought them already and MIL in particular non refundable and expensive. Ha. Christmas Eve evening DH goes to the bin to look for his keys (threw them in) and next to wheelie bins sees unwrapped gift she bought for DS months ago. With a card from her. That’s it. We didn’t contact her as we were so baffled by her leaving them next to the bin as opposed to outside the door or even knocking on the door, and we were really waiting I think to see if she or the siblings would thank us for their fucking gifts.

Nothing.

I want to scream at her for hurting DH like this. I just don’t understand why send the present for DS at all and leave by the bin? Why not contact?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyyyyytho · 26/12/2019 09:11

Sorry I know unlikely anyone reading this but i didn’t want to start a new thread as this isn’t a huge development and all the context is here/you have all been so helpful

OP posts:
Dreamersandwishers · 26/12/2019 09:22

@whyyyyytho So sorry to hear she is still being so awful.

Clearly she’s very self absorbed.
💐for you and your DH.

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