To ask when you really felt you loved your child(ren)

[Monkeynuts18]

I’d read a lot before birth about the ‘overwhelming rush of love’ you get when you meet your baby. But after a labour that ended in very traumatic tearing - I felt nothing. In fact, quite the opposite - I felt an overwhelming rush of anxiety and wanted to run away (but I couldn’t walk, let alone run, so that wasn’t an option). I felt so unhappy and ashamed - like I was a monster who didn’t love her child.

It started to change - gradually - at about the 8 week mark then somewhere around 12 weeks old I looked at him and thought ‘oh my god, I love you sooo much!’

I happened to mention this to a friend who’d had an emergency section in very scary circumstances. She said she’d felt exactly the same - she’d been in shock from the birth and pretended to love her son for the first few weeks when in fact she wanted to run away from him. He was about 6 weeks old before she started to feel something for him. He’s 7 months now and she adores him.

I just wondered if anyone else had had a similar experience? Did you get the fabled ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the moment you met your baby? Or did it take a while to develop?

Immediately here

Mine was about a month in with my first. I also had an emergency c/S and suspect that the trauma of that does have an impact. It was immediate for my second (planned c/S) but of course by then I was already “primed” as it were.

Took me a while too. I think it’s quite common but not talked about enough.

I was so exhausted (waters broke on Monday morning, gave birth Thursday evening) it wasn’t til a few days in that I could get my head around it all.

Then it kicked in.

Prob a few hours after he was born. I love feeding mine tho, so for both getting them to the breast triggered the big mushy feeling

Best part of a year?

I think it is often delayed when there is a traumatic birth. Mine was immediate, which surprised me, but I had a calm planned c section. Everyone know who had a bad birth says it happened weeks or months later.

I've had incredibly easy straightforward births and it was MONTHS before I gave a jot about my DDs. I cared for them through obligation, but in all honesty if they'd just vanished, I'd have been absolutely fine with it. I think I started liking them around 4 months but didn't have that fierce maternal love until around a year with either.

I can’t remember when exactly, but I know it wasn’t instant with either of my girls. & I had pretty straight forward non traumatic births too! I must be a monster

I remember when my first was born she wouldn’t stop crying for like - ever after she was born. I kept looking round the room thinking god please someone take her out I’m exhausted 🤣 they didn’t! I’ve been stuck with her for 2 & 1/2 years now!

There was a delay with me too, I didn’t have a traumatic birth but staying in the hospital for a few days afterwards was just awful and I’m pretty sure it started my baby blues. I felt so isolated, didn’t see daylight the whole time and barely slept because of babies crying (which was expected) and people’s partners staying over and snoring (I felt like hitting them all with a big stick). Much better once I was at home with my dog and the tv for comfort. Don’t think I bonded until about 12 weeks but didn’t properly love DS until 6 months. He’s now 18 months and he’s the most amazing thing in the whole world! I absolutely adore him.

I was lucky, it was immediate with all mine. Even after the emergency c-section, and the one that made the trainee midwife faint. I can perfectly understand it taking a while though, few things turn your world upside down in the same way as having a baby.

Funnily enough, I had the same conversation with a friend recently.

I was very fortunate in that I had a very straightforward (albeit preterm) birth, but I didn't feel a rush of love at all. I felt protective of her and bonded in that sense, but I didn't know her or myself as a mother. It was a whole new relationship that I had to navigate and I was bloody terrified! I can totally relate to the anxiety and wanting to run away, OP. I guess she was about 10 weeks old before I felt strong feelings of love, rather than just a very practical urge to protect and care for her.

She's 10 months old now and I absolutely adore her and it just seems to keep growing. I had PND in the early months and I'm sure the idea that I didn't love her "properly" contributed to that.

I had a traumatic birth and was very very unwell post partum, in and out of hospital for about 6 months. I have a lot of anger about it because instead of letting me hold him people took him off me, instead of helping me look after him, and helping me at home, family just used to take him away to give me "a break and a chance to catch up at home" 🙄. I was in severe shock and withdrawal from pain meds constantly (morphine) for months which compounded it all, and now suspected PTSD. He's 2 and I love him, but the overwhelming bond still isn't really there, but we work on it every moment. He is also a Daddy's boy and it breaks my heart every day that I missed those key bonding moments. It kills me inside, the guilt is insane.

It took many years for DC to come along, so when she did I was in complete denial she was here. Took about 3 months to feel anything other than shock. I was instantly protective of her (step in front of a raging bull elephant type protective), but love took several months.

Yy, @Spanneroo, that was pretty much my experience. When DS was tiny, I got to know a woman who had just adopted a toddler, and felt a lot of fellow-feeling with her -- but of course her adoption preparation had prepared her for feeling initially as if she were babysitting someone else's child, and that bonding and actual love were some way down the line and would emerge over time.

I loved them all from the minute they were born but when my eldest had a freak accident and broke both of his arms I felt this awful sickening feeling for weeks after. Best way to describe it was anguish, I sat in the hospital toilet crying whilst they did CT scans on his head. Thinking back now I am sure it was love, I love him so much it physically hurt me to see him like that. He’s five and I look at him completely differently now...

Can't remember - it sort of crept up on me over weeks/months. What I mostly remember at first was desperate panic and a fear that I wouldn't look after him properly plus guilt that I wasn't sure I felt the way I was supposed to.

It grew slowly and I would say I loved her a few weeks in. But it was the first time she was ill that made me realise how much. She had a UTI at 8 months or so and I had to take her in to A&E. The ferocious feelings of love and protectiveness that washed over me while I was panicking about her have never gone away since.

Around a year.Pnd is a nasty bitch.

I didn't deeply care for my baby until around 6 months, I truly loved him just after his first birthday. It felt like a long time! I really regretted having him for that first year and felt like I just had this tiny stranger in my house, and he got on my nerves. I feel terrible now for feeling that way, he's an incredible kid!

The same as your friend, under the same birth circumstances! I think it was when he started smiling at 6 weeks that made me realise he's a real person to be loved and not just a "thing" to sustain

All from birth

I have found that the love was instant but since then it has grown and grown. Now I look at my 4.5 year old DS and just think I could burst with how much I love him

It took me months with my first. When he was born I didn't even hold him. I was just so tired and felt incapable to taking on another human being. Now he is 9 and it terrifies me how much I love him.

With DC 2 and 3 it was much quicker.

It is yet another thing not normalised enough and another source of guilt for so many mums.

Around a year. PND & the shock of it all.

DS is 9 now and my heart feels like it could explode because I love him so much.