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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask when you really felt you loved your child(ren)

157 replies

Monkeynuts18 · 26/11/2019 09:46

I’d read a lot before birth about the ‘overwhelming rush of love’ you get when you meet your baby. But after a labour that ended in very traumatic tearing - I felt nothing. In fact, quite the opposite - I felt an overwhelming rush of anxiety and wanted to run away (but I couldn’t walk, let alone run, so that wasn’t an option). I felt so unhappy and ashamed - like I was a monster who didn’t love her child.

It started to change - gradually - at about the 8 week mark then somewhere around 12 weeks old I looked at him and thought ‘oh my god, I love you sooo much!’

I happened to mention this to a friend who’d had an emergency section in very scary circumstances. She said she’d felt exactly the same - she’d been in shock from the birth and pretended to love her son for the first few weeks when in fact she wanted to run away from him. He was about 6 weeks old before she started to feel something for him. He’s 7 months now and she adores him.

I just wondered if anyone else had had a similar experience? Did you get the fabled ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the moment you met your baby? Or did it take a while to develop?

OP posts:

LegoLady95 · 26/11/2019 17:20

Took 3 months with my first after a very traumatic birth. I wanted to do my best to look after him, but didn't feel love for him at first. I hid the feelings well and pretended to love him. It was kind of gradual until one day at around 3 months I looked at him and knew I adored him.

Was immediate with my second and third children. Even when I could only see my second's head and didn't know the sex, I loved him. It healed a lot of emotional wounds from my trauma and feelings after having my first.

PumpkinPie2016 · 26/11/2019 17:28

Probably around 8 weeks. I had an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic after a long labour and to be honest, at first, I sort of felt like he wasn't mine It was a really weird feeling.

I looked after him but it was more of a 'oh, you're here and you need looking after' thing rather than out of love.

When he got to about 8 weeks and started smiling a bit more it suddenly hit me that he was mine and I felt love towards him.

He's 6 tomorrow and is my absolute world!

I do think that people talking honestly about it is a good thing - clearly many people feel similar so it shouldn't be a taboo subject.

tried20names · 26/11/2019 17:33

With DS1 I spent a lot of time wondering why I didn't love him like i'd imagined I would. I knew I cared about him when I cried over him having nappy rash at 2 weeks old but probably didn't love him till he was 8 weeks old.
With DS2 it was immediate.

ClinkyMonkey · 26/11/2019 17:51

I loved DS1 from the moment he was born. With DS2 I felt a bit emotionally numb and it took a couple of days. As ridiculous as it sounds, my brain could not accept that he wasn't a clone of DS1. But I was instantly protective of him and remember when the midwife took him for a bath, the time until he was brought back seemed interminable. I actually started to become paranoid that she had kidnapped him! Hormones must have been all over the place.

Hairyfairy01 · 26/11/2019 17:54

Straight away with ds. About 11 weeks with dd. Both normal delivery's, dd very much wanted. I always warn friends that if that overwhelming feeling of love happens straight away then great. But also warn them that it might not, and that's ok too.

NotTonightJosepheen · 26/11/2019 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruralcat · 26/11/2019 18:03

Immediately but then I do still have moments where I look at them and think wow I really love you because I think even if you do get the rush at the beginning it can kind of get overtaken by the blur of sleepless nights, nappies etc.

CountFosco · 26/11/2019 18:09

When DD1 was born they put her on my belly and my first thought was 'she's not my baby, she's too big'. We were still attached to each other . I think it is far more normal for it to take a while than for the love to be immediate. How can you love someone you don't know yet? Second and third children the love was quicker but I think the culture shock of becoming a parent is much less extreme with later children.

CuntyMcBollocks · 26/11/2019 18:53

I had a very easy pregnancy and a quick, straightforward birth, but it was a gradual thing for me. I'd read lots of stories from women describing the instant overwhelming love they immediately had for their babies, but it didn't happen that way for me.

Women seem to be expected to have an instant rush of love, but there's no shame if it takes time to surface.

PapayaCoconut · 26/11/2019 19:22

Did you get the fabled ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the moment you met your baby?

Yes, with both, but I thick is equally normal not to. My sister says she took about three months with both.

Winterwoollies · 27/11/2019 18:49

I just wanted to pitch up and say this thread has help me a lot. I’m five months pregnant with my first, very unplanned child. I’m 36 and I have never, ever felt maternal. Kids weirded me out. Other people looked so stressed and unhappy. However, it happened and my husband is over the moon, so I’m giving it a go. He’s being hugely supportive.

I got appalling prenatal depression with suicidal thoughts (and plans) and a lot else beside.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling pretty worried about how I’m going to feel afterwards as I don’t feel connected yet to the baby inside me. Not really at all. It’s a lonely, frightening time. But knowing that not everyone gets that “rush of love” some people go on about has really helped. I hope you don’t mind me pitching up to say that.

Legomadx2 · 27/11/2019 18:54

Took me a while. I love them so much more every year that passes.

MamaFlintstone · 27/11/2019 18:56

A good few weeks for me, probably about a month. Before that I felt like I was just looking after her until her real mother came along. I felt protective and like I needed to do a good job, but not anything that felt like love. DH was horrified when I told him this, he’d had the instant rush of love thing we’re told mothers are supposed to have.

cptartapp · 27/11/2019 19:12

From birth I think. It's all a bit of a blur tbh. They're teens now and as DS1, 17, was telling me about helping an old lady with her bags at the train station yesterday I looked at him and though I'd never loved him as much.

Tetraread · 27/11/2019 19:16

A few months. I mean, from birth I knew that I would do anything for this perfect and beautiful little human, and I knew I wanted to do the very best I could for them. But an actual wave of love took longer to come, it definitely wasn't a rush; but the birth was highly medicalised in the end (not complaining as it saved our lives), but I wonder if that has something to do with it.

Gallivespian · 27/11/2019 19:22

@Winterwoollies, absolutely. If I could time-travel and give myself one piece of advice (39 and not maternal), it would be not to panic, and that love takes time. Also, you don’t have to grit your teeth and try to love your baby, it just happens by itself over time. I won’t lie, I found the newborn stage very difficult, but that was partly due to circumstances. But I’m besotted by DS now, and delighted I had him. Very best wishes.

Lorddenning1 · 27/11/2019 19:22

With my first I had a traumatic birth, nearly had to have a blood transfusion and I was quite unwell so I didn't get that rush of love but his dad did and Iv been working on it every since, he is 8 now and it came slowly for me, he has always been a daddy's boys and I have a lot of guilt with this and blame myself. My second was straight forward and I chose to breastfeed, not for the baby or cost etc but so it would help me bond and not have the same thing happen again, well it hit me like a bus the rush of love and I couldn't stop crying with how much I loved him, he is a mummies boy and that also makes me feel guilty, I would lay my life on the line for either of them but i can't help but feel guilty over this but I don't know how to change it either

JonnyPocketRocket · 27/11/2019 19:24

Mine's only a week old. I did feel that immediate rush of love when he was born, but I hadn't expected to as I'd felt very little for him in utero. When they put him on my chest my first thought was "Oh I do love you after all!" I had expected it to take a couple weeks.

Menora · 27/11/2019 19:27

Immediately with baby 1 and with baby 2 I was numb and very depressed for at least 6 months and I did not bond with her. I still feel horribly guilty about this time because it affected DD1 actually a lot more than DD2 who was only a baby
I over compensate massively for it but I have a great bond with them both now

HarrietTheFly · 27/11/2019 19:32

I didn't feel a rush of love, I was exhausted and tramautised from the birth and just glad it was over more than anything! I don't think I ever felt that kind of rush. I do remember that every time she cried I felt something inside...like a really strong instinct that I had to get to her immediately. I can't remember if I felt that when she cried right after she was born though, I don't think I did. I knew I loved her, I'd feel it strongly especially while I was breastfeeding. And I have the same feeling now, usually when she's fallen asleep! It has never felt like it's gone from 0 to a huge rush of love though which I imagine is what a rush of love feels like.

Sleeplesssleepseeker · 27/11/2019 19:34

Immediately for both of mine. Although after DC1 was born I was incredibly anxious, and that did make bonding harder. I definitely loved him straight away but I also felt very at sea with it all, so it was a confusing time. I didn't know what to do with him and we had a lot of feeding issues which were really upsetting and led to more anxiety and guilt.
When DD was born (apart from surprising me by being a girl) she just slotted in to life, I knew how to look after her immediately (because I had done it all before), she breastfed like a pro... it was easier so the anxiety didn't get a look in!

saraclara · 27/11/2019 19:38

My daughter was checked for clicky hips the morning after she was born. It made her cry, but I can't say it bothered me. As it turned out her hips were a problem, so she had to be checked again a week later. This time when she cried, I hoped they'd hurry up and get it over with, because she was obviously unhappy. Six weeks later she had to have them checked again. This time when she cried I had to clasp my hands together behind my back because the urge to pull the doctor off her was SO strong.

So that's pretty much how I track the development of my love for her.

TickleMeEmo · 27/11/2019 19:41

4 months with my first (traumatic delivery, long recovery), immediately with my second (planned section)

Mailista · 27/11/2019 19:44

DC1 (horrendously traumatic birth, plus PND): it took a while to unscramble all my feelings, but 'instant love' wasn't one of them.

DC2 (ELCS, no PND): immediately.

I love them both the same now.

24hourshomeedderandcarer · 27/11/2019 19:45

from pregnancy here

i was told im infertile as ive got severe PCOS and never had a period(im 38) so when i finally got pregnant after trying for 4 years for no1 and 5 years for no 2,both fertility tablets,fortnightly scans and fortnightly pregnancy rtests they were loved as soon as i found out i was pregnant(found out at 5 weeks for no 1,2 and half weeks for no 2)

then 2 bad labours(4 days for no 1 and no 2 was so big he got stuck)it was doubled then as soon as they were placed on me

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