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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you really felt you loved your child(ren)

157 replies

Monkeynuts18 · 26/11/2019 09:46

I’d read a lot before birth about the ‘overwhelming rush of love’ you get when you meet your baby. But after a labour that ended in very traumatic tearing - I felt nothing. In fact, quite the opposite - I felt an overwhelming rush of anxiety and wanted to run away (but I couldn’t walk, let alone run, so that wasn’t an option). I felt so unhappy and ashamed - like I was a monster who didn’t love her child.

It started to change - gradually - at about the 8 week mark then somewhere around 12 weeks old I looked at him and thought ‘oh my god, I love you sooo much!’

I happened to mention this to a friend who’d had an emergency section in very scary circumstances. She said she’d felt exactly the same - she’d been in shock from the birth and pretended to love her son for the first few weeks when in fact she wanted to run away from him. He was about 6 weeks old before she started to feel something for him. He’s 7 months now and she adores him.

I just wondered if anyone else had had a similar experience? Did you get the fabled ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the moment you met your baby? Or did it take a while to develop?

OP posts:
FrivolousPancake · 26/11/2019 16:02

I fell in love in little trickles but the overwhelming burst of love that I thought would happen when I first held her happened when she was 2.

Baloonphobia · 26/11/2019 16:05

With dd1 it took 2 months. I remember googling if it was normal in the middle of the night. Dd2 was straight away but I had an epidural and I was very relaxed. I also knew what I was doing (relatively speaking).

moita · 26/11/2019 16:05

DS - immediately. Very easy pregnancy and birth.

DD - about 3 months. Stressful pregnancy, traumatic labour (she was taken to NICU). Even after we were discharged we were up at the hospital for appointments day after day. I had no time to just enjoy her. She's 18 months and I worship the ground she walks on but does make me feel very sad. I was protective but a bit numb towards her when she was born.

ohnonotyetplease · 26/11/2019 16:16

Absolutely did not get the fabled 'rush of love' at all. Took about 4 months to really love DD.

Lllot5 · 26/11/2019 16:24

Before they were born for all 4 of mine.

Crispyturtle · 26/11/2019 16:26

I had lovely births with both DDs. In neither instance did I have the fabled ‘rush of love’. I had maternal instinct for them and felt warmly towards them, but the overwhelming love came later (can’t remember when).
I’m a midwife and often advise women that they might not get that rush, and that’s completely fine.

Minai · 26/11/2019 16:26

Ds1 it took at least 8 weeks for me to even like him. I loved him by 12 weeks but I can’t remember an exact moment I realised it. I’d also had a traumatic birth and was suffering with ptsd.

With ds2 it was immediately the moment he was born but it wasn’t long after. I had a much easier birth and held him all night staring at him adoringly.

I love them both the same now though. Ds1 and I have the most amazing bond so I would say it really doesn’t make a lot of difference in the end.

mistermagpie · 26/11/2019 16:27

It's varied for me. With the first it took about six weeks, I did love him before that but it was more the way you love a pet or a hobby or something. Trauma from the birth played a part I think...

With my second it was instant. I just knew him. Thing is, he was the most difficult baby in the world so I'm actually glad we bonded before I realised that!

My third is ten days old and it wasn't instant this time, it maybe took a couple of days but I am utterly smitten with her now. I genuinely think I was a bit shocked she was a girl at first!

Bee1511 · 26/11/2019 16:30

My mother told me that when my babies were born soon after I’d feel this overwhelming hush of love for them as soon as they were born. Well imagine how much of a failure I felt when it didn’t happen. I’m not even sure when it did happen. I think it happened over time. I was a good mum just didn’t feel that immediate rush. I think it’s normal

losingthepl0t · 26/11/2019 16:30

I really cannot remember with DC1 but anymore. With DC2 it hit me on day 2 or 3. really hard.

but definitely not the immediate post birth rush of love.

7salmonswimming · 26/11/2019 16:32

I've felt different types of love for mine over the years.

Around birth time: tiger mum, protective, hormonal/pre-programmed something. Maybe love. But it wasn't a considered, active choice to love them.

Few months in: love how cute they are, they're a part of my life, couldn't imagine living without them. Plus they were so so so cute and adorable.

Few years in: so proud of them both I could burst. Also, unexpectedly, a resurgence of "if anyone dares touch so much as a hair on their heads" type of protectiveness when I see them deal with things that all children have to learn to deal with. But also seeing them for the annoying, rude, ill-mannered, whiny children they can sometimes be. So a more considered choice to love them. For me, it's much more profound. For them, it's probably less enjoyable than my adoring devotion as a new mother waiting on their every need Grin

I say to mine - because it's true - that I love them as though they're a part of me. They came from me, they're like limbs that are floating away from me. I can intellectualise my feelings for and thoughts about them as random human beings and so far they come out firmly on the side of 'yes I want to love you'. But mostly I'm held hostage by my maternal love for them. Happily so Smile, that's the way it should be (for them, agony for me!).

MontanaSky · 26/11/2019 16:32

I never thought I'd get pregnant as had a few conception issues therefore I felt very protective during pregnancy knowing she was safe inside me however; after birth I felt as if I was playing at being a mum and it took a month or so before I felt the love properly.

With my Son it happened on day 3. We had a traumatic birth and I didn't really get to hold him properly until that day when I held him all day and sniffed his lovely head.

Tryingandfailing39 · 26/11/2019 16:33

Birth with the first and during pregnancy with the others

Abraid2 · 26/11/2019 16:37

When they were asleep. Or during the few minutes each day where they weren't objecting to something or other I'd done wrong. (NB LIGHTHEARTED: I know newborns don't reason like this.)

LynseyLou1982 · 26/11/2019 16:39

I had an assisted delivery and a PPH followed by 3 hellish days in hospital on little sleep with a baby who wouldn't latch properly. Once we got home it got worse and I struggled on trying to feed for 9 weeks. In that time I felt nothing and like others I wanted to run far far away and at times I wished I was dead. It was only after I stopped trying to breastfeed and got help for my PND through IAPT that I very slowly started to bond properly with my son. He's nearly 2 now and I adore him even though he's much more of a daddy's boy. He's my universe. I think there's a lot of pressure on news to feel certain things and it's not always like that.

Spied · 26/11/2019 16:45

Immediate overwhelming sense of protection rather than love for my dc I think.
Unsure when I fell in love but I sure didSmile

darkriver19886 · 26/11/2019 16:50

First time immediate: Pretty much from when I found out I was pregnant.

Second time: It took a long time. I had an extremely traumatic labour and then my mental health started falling.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 26/11/2019 16:50

Awful, neglectful birth - I didn't get PND, but I didn't bond with DS until he was 12 weeks. Then I got the sudden rush of love, and we bonded hard and fast 🥰🥰

ActualHornist · 26/11/2019 16:51

Mine was immediate but it wasn’t a big rush of love, I didn’t cry or anything (although in general now I’m really emotional!).

It just felt right, like I’d been waiting my whole life for this moment and now I was complete.

Maybe I was just overwhelmed that my exhausting pregnancy was over!

Candlesonthetable · 26/11/2019 16:51

With my first it was immediate after a difficult delivery, with my second amazingly lovely (as far as they can be) delivery it took 9 months.

Original poster
Monkeynuts18 · 26/11/2019 16:53

I’m a midwife and often advise women that they might not get that rush, and that’s completely fine.

I think it’s great that you say that to women and I really wish someone had said that to me. The thing was - possibly naively - I fully expected to experience the ‘rush of love’. I’d felt so attached to the little person growing and moving inside me. But after the birth when I was injured, desperately anxious and felt like running away, midwives kept saying things like ‘you’ve had an awful time - but at least you got this lovely baby out of it!’ And I was thinking ‘but I don’t want him - I want an intact vagina, freedom from anxiety and a full night’s sleep!’

OP posts:
Crystal87 · 26/11/2019 16:54

Instantly for all of them.

Celebelly · 26/11/2019 16:55

I would say a month or two. I felt really protective of her from when she arrived, but not that rush of love. I wasn't really aware of that sense of love growing until I remember looking at her as she slept when she was about 2mo and suddenly getting this really fierce sense of 'I would die for you'. I think it's natural to take a while, if I'm honest. We don't fall in love with strangers instantly, and even though they've been inside us, when they come out it's completely different. They're a new person and I think love always takes time to grow, but I think maternal protection can be instant and that's an equally fierce feeling, but not necessarily the same as love.

zafferana · 26/11/2019 16:57

Not immediate for me the first time - my first labour was exhausting and I was sore, stressed, very tired and a bit traumatised by the whole thing so no - I didn't feel that initial 'rush of love'. I remember feeling numb actually. My love for my DS developed slowly over those first few weeks until it was all-consuming and fierce.

The second time it was immediate for, I think, two reasons. Firstly, the birth was quick and easy and drug-free, so I felt fine and wasn't at all exhausted. And secondly, I felt like I was 'primed' to love him straight away the second time. I just looked at him and I loved him straight away. But I was already a mum by then, so it was completely different.

NotSoThinLizzy · 26/11/2019 17:08

With my 1st i was 16 and didn't feel it untill she was about a year old had bad post natal depression. 2nd immediately. 3rd took a couple of days as extremely fast labour. all "normal" just gas and air births.