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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you really felt you loved your child(ren)

157 replies

Monkeynuts18 · 26/11/2019 09:46

I’d read a lot before birth about the ‘overwhelming rush of love’ you get when you meet your baby. But after a labour that ended in very traumatic tearing - I felt nothing. In fact, quite the opposite - I felt an overwhelming rush of anxiety and wanted to run away (but I couldn’t walk, let alone run, so that wasn’t an option). I felt so unhappy and ashamed - like I was a monster who didn’t love her child.

It started to change - gradually - at about the 8 week mark then somewhere around 12 weeks old I looked at him and thought ‘oh my god, I love you sooo much!’

I happened to mention this to a friend who’d had an emergency section in very scary circumstances. She said she’d felt exactly the same - she’d been in shock from the birth and pretended to love her son for the first few weeks when in fact she wanted to run away from him. He was about 6 weeks old before she started to feel something for him. He’s 7 months now and she adores him.

I just wondered if anyone else had had a similar experience? Did you get the fabled ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the moment you met your baby? Or did it take a while to develop?

OP posts:
Minxmumma · 27/11/2019 19:50

My eldest I wasn't at all keen on. I was ill following a traumatic birth, she was ill and I just wanted to sleep and heal. Probably a few weeks before I felt anything remotely overwhelming in terms of affection.

My dd4 however, pre booked c section. All very chilled and relaxed. No dramas, adored her the minute she was here.

The middle two are twins and seriously it was unending parade of bottles, wee and poo - U was amazed by them, love came later.

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 27/11/2019 19:59

A long time for first - lots of painful stitches
Immediately for second - no stitches

DoubleFunMum · 27/11/2019 20:02

It was absolutely instant for me and I had pretty much the most traumatic birth possible - an emergency c-section, very pre-term. In fact I didn't see my babies (twins) for nearly 12 hours and didn't get to cuddle either of them for a whole week. But the first time I saw them in their incubators, covered in wires, tiny and looking nothing like cute little full term babies, I just KNEW they were mine and had a really strong primal urge to protect them. I felt like a lioness. It was such a strong feeling and strange experience that it stayed with me. Few people I've discussed it with have identified strongly with my description and I've always thought it was because of the extreme vulnerability of my babies (12 weeks early). It was as if it somehow magnified my maternal reaction. I've never had any more kids so no idea if it would be the same again with a full term baby.

Winterwoollies · 27/11/2019 20:10

@Gallivespian thank you. Xxx

SecondTimeCharm · 27/11/2019 20:12

I was very uninterested throughout my pregnancies and felt no connection prior, so was not expecting a sudden rush of love because I wouldn’t class myself as maternal particularly or even a big fan of children! That said, when both of them arrived, it was overwhelming and immediate. I was totally obsessed and head over heels in love and I still am. Their first years specially felt like the honeymoon phase (I got lucky with amazing easy babies who slept - had a lot to do with it)

I don’t think there’s any formula to it - DD1 birth pretty traumatic and DD2 “easy”

GunpowderGelatine · 27/11/2019 20:16

With DD - and I feel terrible saying this - it took a couple of years. Looking back I had undiagnosed PND and shitty support and OH. I was extremely ill after giving birth and just didn't feel it with her for so long.

My DS it was instant. The moment I saw him - birth could not have gone more smoothly.

The guilt I feel for my poor DD that he got it instantly and she didn't makes me want to weep so much I put those thoughts in a box in my brain and shut it tight. I think I unconsciously make it up to her by way of treating her with "stuff", which has made her somewhat spoilt, and it's my own fault. I know I need to channel those feelings better. I desperately regret not getting support at the time

carolina21 · 27/11/2019 20:49

As soon as I was pregnant I felt such love but then immediately more !

ofwarren · 27/11/2019 20:55

Straight away with all 3 of mine. My first I nearly died with a post partum haemorrhage, my second never left hospital till 6 months old as he had liver failure and had a transplant and my last had suspected spina bifida so rafts of ultrasounds and an MRI. None of the trauma made me distant. I loved them all instantly.

emelsie · 27/11/2019 21:11

With First DD memory's a bit fuzzy, was very young myself in shock , couldn't believe she was here but pretty quickly loved her within a few days after the shock wore off .

DD2 by the third trimester was definitely feeling much more bonded with her than I felt with first pregnancy and was Immediate love at first sight.

gabsdot45 · 27/11/2019 21:15

I have 2 adopted children so it's a bit different for me.
With my first, we met him when he was 6 months and I fell in love instantly. I remember the moment it was an actual distinguishable feeling. One minute He was a cute baby next minute I was bonded to him and loved him with all my heart. (We hadn't even adopted him so it was risky)
With my second child, she was 2.5 when we adopted him and it was probably 2 years before I completely loved her and felt completely bonded with her. It was very gradual and for the first several months I was in Fake it till you make it mode.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/11/2019 21:22

Before she was born, we went through some difficult times before she was born (DH lost his mum unexpectedly a month before she was born and my beloved cat was dying). She was a ray of sunshine coming in a dark time and when she arrived the love just grew and grew.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/11/2019 21:23

I’ve just realised I’ve written ‘before she was born’ a ridiculous amount of times in that last post!!

Original poster
Monkeynuts18 · 27/11/2019 21:25

@Winterwoollies

I’m so glad this thread has helped you - that was part of my intention in starting it really, because I figured that if both me and my friend had both felt this way we couldn’t be the only ones. I really agree with @Gallivespian, if I could turn back time, the one thing I would do would be to tell the distraught woman sobbing by herself into a pillow about not loving her baby that love doesn’t come instantly for everyone and that is fine.

Obviously there are lots of women who do experience the ‘rush of love’, which is wonderful, but clearly there are also lots who don’t - in some cases due to circumstances, but in some cases just because it didn’t happen for them. The ‘rush of love’ isn’t the given it’s often made out to be!

Interesting how many posters have said they didn’t feel it with their first but did with their second, which suggests the sheer shock of new parenthood may have something to do with it!

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/11/2019 21:28

With DS1 I think it kicked in around 10/11 days after he was born; we were on the sofa and the sun came through the front windows and everything was peaceful and still. He was asleep in my arms and I watched him sleep and had an overwhelming sense of adoration like nothing I'd ever felt.

With DS2 it came a little sooner but in a similar way; sitting in bed nursing him and bursting into tears when DH walked in and panicked, thinking something terrible had happened and I say through the tears "I just looooooove the baby" and crying for a further 30 minutes.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 27/11/2019 21:38

DS1 was 7 weeks early and delivered by C-section because I had Pre-Eclampsia and he had IUGR. He was born lunchtime Friday but I wasn't well enough to hold him until Sunday evening. As soon as I held him, I felt like the rest of the world could fall away and I wouldn't care. It is the most powerful thing I've ever felt.

DS2 was immediate in a more familiar feeling way rather than a 'stop time' type way.

Autumnsloth · 13/01/2020 20:32

Just wanted to come back and thank everyone for sharing your stories. When I first read this thread DS was 6 weeks old and although I loved him very much, I mostly felt tired and stressed day to day, and was so worried that this was because I didn't love him as much as I should. I felt that if I really truly loved him, I'd actively enjoy every moment with him and so there must be something wrong. Like others, I struggled recovering from the birth, struggled with feeding and felt very at sea with it all.

I read all of your stories so carefully, and it meant so much to me then - it made me realize that there was nothing wrong and helped me accept that sometimes building that bond takes time. It gave me the hope I needed. And it did kick in the way I had hoped! I'm not sure when, somewhere around 10 weeks I think. Now he's 3 months and I completely adore him, more than I ever imagined possible. I really do enjoy every moment I spend with him and am just so grateful that he's my little boy. So yes, thanks to all of you!

Whatsername177 · 13/01/2020 20:37

When the line on the pregnancy test turned pink. It just got deeper from there.

Binterested · 13/01/2020 20:42

Four months here. Dd was premature so her arrival was a bit of a shock and then I was just going through the motions caring for this creature that I had to do the right thing by but who seemed utterly remote to me.

But at four months old she was lying on the floor and I jiggled her feet. She laughed and my heart turned over. Instant thunderbolt.

Nonnymum · 13/01/2020 20:49

I got that overwhelming feeling Immediately with my first, never felt like that before or since. With my second I didn't get that overwhelming surge of love it was more of a calm slow build. I knew I loved them straight away it just wasn't the same over powering incredible feeling that made me cry that I had with my first.

Poetryinaction · 13/01/2020 20:52

1st - instant
2nd - a few weeks
3rd - instant

nespressowoo · 13/01/2020 20:52

As soon as they plonked him on me - even if I had been in labour 50+hrs and needed be rushed to theatre to pull my placenta out Grin

Elsielouise13 · 13/01/2020 20:53

Before he was born.

superram · 13/01/2020 20:54

When they are asleep. Both my births were horrific so once I knew they were safe I just wanted a kip. Probably not until I got them home after 3 days.

littlemama18 · 13/01/2020 20:57

I had a traumatic birth but mine was instant !

Startedoutasfriends · 13/01/2020 20:59

My mother died whilst I was pregnant and at her funeral, I felt this overwhelming love for my baby inside me. That never went away and I can honestly say that she is the love of my lifetime.