To ask when you really felt you loved your child(ren)

[Monkeynuts18]

I’d read a lot before birth about the ‘overwhelming rush of love’ you get when you meet your baby. But after a labour that ended in very traumatic tearing - I felt nothing. In fact, quite the opposite - I felt an overwhelming rush of anxiety and wanted to run away (but I couldn’t walk, let alone run, so that wasn’t an option). I felt so unhappy and ashamed - like I was a monster who didn’t love her child.

It started to change - gradually - at about the 8 week mark then somewhere around 12 weeks old I looked at him and thought ‘oh my god, I love you sooo much!’

I happened to mention this to a friend who’d had an emergency section in very scary circumstances. She said she’d felt exactly the same - she’d been in shock from the birth and pretended to love her son for the first few weeks when in fact she wanted to run away from him. He was about 6 weeks old before she started to feel something for him. He’s 7 months now and she adores him.

I just wondered if anyone else had had a similar experience? Did you get the fabled ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the moment you met your baby? Or did it take a while to develop?

With ds1 I didn't at all. My immediate feeling was regret at having a baby. It took a long time for me to be ok with this and recognise my pnd for what it was. I always felt a fierce urge to protect and care for him, but in the same way I would have if I had been give responsibility for any random baby. I truly loved him from about 18 months.
Ds2, I couldn't believe the feeling of love I got when they placed that newborn in my arms. My whole heart felt like it would burst and I never ever wanted to let him go.
I have really struggled with the difference in how I felt and I worry even now that I will love ds2 more, but I don't really think that's true. I am enjoying ds2 as a baby so much and it does make me sad that I never had that with ds1, although I do think he's the greatest 6 year old on the planet now!!

Protective, attentive, committed to their care; immediately.

Bond; several weeks to a few months

Love; best part of a year. I love who they are as people. Their personalities. But that is part of all the other things listed above to make it unconditional (meaning I love them even when they are being little twats!!)

That's as well as I can explain it.

Immediately at birth for all of mine. Such an intense feeling.

Probably around 9 months with my eldest, but it crept up on me rather than being an epiphany of love. I always had a strong sense of protection but more because I didn't want to let her down rather than because she was the centre of my world. I knew I owed it to her to try my best so that's what I did.

My youngest it hit me like a sledgehammer the second I met her but she wasn't and isn't treated any differently to her sister. All it did was improve my experience as a mother.

I'm always honest about how difficult I found bonding with my eldest. I think we do ourselves a disservice to pretend that everyone has the same wonderful feelings when they first meet their baby.

It was immediate for me - the whole shebang they go on about. It's made me respect people who don't get that immediate rush all the more because the first few months were tough enough even with being all gaga and swoony over my tiny human.

I think parents who provide the best for their babies even despite not feeling that immediate bond are heroes and should never feel bad for it taking a little longer to develop.

My first DS it took a few weeks for me to love and accept him, I had PND. My second DS I loved as soon as a saw him, I blurted out ‘oh I do love him’ during my C-section. I think both are completely normal I think if you don’t get the ‘rush of love’ it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Kicked in at about six weeks with DD1, straight away with DD2. I didn't have PND or anything with DD1, but was just dazed and confused and going through the motions at first. With DD2 I knew what to expect so it wasn't as much as a shock to the system.

I had a very long and pretty traumatic birth which left me in a lot of pain afterwards for a few weeks. But I have to say I did feel an overwhelming love instantly. Despite having no sleep for 3 days, I sat up holding her all night after she was born, just staring at her and whispering things to her. I could not get over what a miracle the whole thing is and kept getting cross whenever the midwives tried to take her off me so I could get some rest!

About three days after my son was born and everyone just left me alone to actually get to see my own baby, be alone with him and hold him! I remember it was early hours of the morning I'd just fed him and was cradling him by the hospital window, he looked up at me and scanned my face, it was as if he knew I was his mother, that moment a rush of love came over me. 12 years on I've never forgotten that moment or feeling.

With my first it was about 6 weeks before I felt a real bond- before that it was something I knew I had to do to take care of her, but it became something I needed to do after 6 weeks. Fairly straightforward water birth. I would say I loved her as her own person after 4 months or so.
With my second I felt the same until Sunday when she got sick and we had to stay in hospital. They took her away to do a spinal tap and I was in floods. But so fiercely protective of her. She is mine and I definitely love her now at 4 weeks.
With DD1 I love her fiercely now- e.g. when I check on her at bedtime I feel such a rush of love that I would do anything for her. I guess with DD2 that protective instinct has had to kick in faster. I do wonder how it will affect our relationship!

About 12 weeks here too. I didn’t have a traumatic birth at all, I wasn’t depressed, I had no problems establishing breastfeeding, I took excellent care of him and held him and sung to him and all that. I would’ve lain down in traffic to protect him from the moment he was born, but in the first few months I never looked at him and thought “I love you so much!”

I remember really clearly a friend with a similar age baby saying “Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much I love him!” - my son was 5 weeks old at the time and I thought “really, but they don’t do anything!?”

It happened eventually though and now he’s 2.5 and yes, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much I love him.

A few hours after birth I started to love my first, but it wasn't until she started to smile that I really began to grow a bond with her. My second was immediate. He was whisked away as they thought he would need reviving and I've never felt anything as confusing as that rush of love mixed with the utter terror or your baby coming out needing medical help .

Third time it was immediate and very relaxed.

But the initial rush of love is absolutely nothing compared to when your bond starts truly developing. That's the real love, the initial feeling is just what makes you look after them until the bond forms, buy societal pressure ensures we do that now anyway.

Oh and with DD1 they gave her to me to hold but I just wanted DH to hold her. I was a bit freaked out by having a baby.

The second I saw him

Ds1 was a traumatic birth he was OK I was on itu. I can't remember much about the birth or days after I didn't even know I'd breast fed him, I didn't dress him, change his nappy or bath him for several days it took 6-8 weeks to think I love you.
Dt were natural labour and we were all reasonably OK after and home within 48 hours I definitely had a connection with them and when they were about 3 hours old my 4 year old came I was in the bathroom and when I came out he was sat with them both on his knee smiling from ear to ear that was the most overwhelming feeling I knew in that instance how much I loved all 3.

At 6 months I started actually enjoying her and about a year in I felt genuine love (rather than just protectiveness). Now at almost 2 she's my whole world. I had awful PND and the whole thing came very slowly to me.

DS1 was about 3-4 days. He was born by planned section and when he was delivered he was handed straight to my husband and I didn’t get to hold him for about 45 minutes. I felt very detached from him by the time he was put into my arms.

My second son was born by emergency c-section and in contrast to my first, he was given straight to me and I was cuddling him on my chest as they stitched me up. I felt immediate love for him.

I can’t remember when exactly, but I know it wasn’t instant with either of my girls. & I had pretty straight forward non traumatic births too! I must be a monster

Nooo! Sorry - I know you’re kidding but just wanted to say, I absolutely didn’t mean to suggest that only women who’ve had traumatic births can feel like this. I just mentioned mine and my friend’s birth circumstances because we both felt they were a contributing factor to our delicate mental states at the time. To be honest, though, I think I would have felt the same way even if the birth had gone well.

But it was the polar opposite of my intention in starting the thread to make any other mother feel like a monster

With my first it was fairly immediate but he was poorly and in scbu it is all a bit of a blur! With my second it took a few months!

I can't honestly say I've felt love for them in a way that I've felt love before. I had an immediate feeling of knowing them but I can't say it felt like love. And though I knew I would die for them and do anything to keep them safe, and though I made so many sacrifices to look after them it always felt more like deep instinct than love because it was so complex - full of anxiety and duty as well as the Something Else that I didn't necessarily recognise as love.

Now they are 10 and 9 I love them because hanging out with them is like being with my best mates - but with that is all that instinct which I suppose must be love.

Ds1 no it took time but ds2 yes however I also had moments of resenting ds2 for taking up all my time, I missed ds1 terribly at first he started school when ds2 was born and a lot I felt I wanted to go back to when it was just me and ds1.

I thought I would feel this immediate rush of love but when he was born I was so exhausted and so full of pethidine that I just looked at my DS like he was a curiosity. I was fascinated by him but didn't have that rush of love. It only came about 8 weeks in - he started having longer breaks between night feeds so I think I was feeling a bit more human. It was Christmas Eve and my DH has popped out for a couple of drinks at the pub so it was just me and DS for a couple of hours. I was changing my sons nappy and I remember him being so interactive and playful and making such lovely cooing noises that I just felt that huge rush of love for him. Up until that point I think I was just so exhausted and so shell shocked from how different the reality of motherhood was to the expectation that emotions hadn't really come into it. Christmas Eve was definitely the big turning point for me.

Months but I had a long exhausting labour, then a colicy Sicky baby and PND and no support network. Couldn't be closer to him now though and adore the socks off him

I’m a single mother by choice, always wanted a child and had a girls name picked out since I was about 15. Finally had my fertility treatment when I was 31 after years of waiting and it worked first time. And I found out baby was indeed a girl.
I felt a massive rush when I first saw her but it was very surreal for quite a long time, that she was finally here and my “dream” of many, many years was real. So, I would say I felt it but I also felt detached in another way .. like I was outside looking in.
Not sure when it changes, took a few weeks / months I think to really hit me.
She’s nearly 2 now and the absolute light of my life