Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you really felt you loved your child(ren)

157 replies

Monkeynuts18 · 26/11/2019 09:46

I’d read a lot before birth about the ‘overwhelming rush of love’ you get when you meet your baby. But after a labour that ended in very traumatic tearing - I felt nothing. In fact, quite the opposite - I felt an overwhelming rush of anxiety and wanted to run away (but I couldn’t walk, let alone run, so that wasn’t an option). I felt so unhappy and ashamed - like I was a monster who didn’t love her child.

It started to change - gradually - at about the 8 week mark then somewhere around 12 weeks old I looked at him and thought ‘oh my god, I love you sooo much!’

I happened to mention this to a friend who’d had an emergency section in very scary circumstances. She said she’d felt exactly the same - she’d been in shock from the birth and pretended to love her son for the first few weeks when in fact she wanted to run away from him. He was about 6 weeks old before she started to feel something for him. He’s 7 months now and she adores him.

I just wondered if anyone else had had a similar experience? Did you get the fabled ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the moment you met your baby? Or did it take a while to develop?

OP posts:
DCIRozHuntley · 26/11/2019 10:51

Immediately with my DC1 and DC4

It took a few days with DC2 for kind of the opposite reasons of OP - She just popped out so easily. I'd had induction scheduled for a few days' time but she was born in about 3 hours from first twinge at 11 days overdue. I just couldn't comprehend having had a baby.

DC3 - it happened at some point around 10 days because she had neonatal meningitis and I was so very very terrified I'd lose her because I'd have to tell DC1 and DC2. However by the time she started to get better I loved her so much and wanted her to get better because I needed her to get better.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/11/2019 10:53

My first I had a horrible birth but it felt instant. She looked up at me and it felt like I'd known her forever.

My second was an easier birth and I was expecting the same, but she came out screaming and didnt stop, she just looked so angry! She had a fee issues that meant sleeping and feeding were horrendous. I also felt like she looked a bit funny. It changed about 10 weeks in for me, where I suddenly looked at her, realised i thought she was beautiful and felt like i loved her.

I feel the same about both of them now

problembottom · 26/11/2019 10:54

I can honestly say straight away, the moment she tumbled out. DP took months tho. Everyone’s different.

chipsychopsy · 26/11/2019 10:56

I wouldn't say it was a rush of love, but I 'knew' my babies immediately and felt attached to them, and an overwhelming need to protect them.

Skittlesandbeer · 26/11/2019 10:56

Well I had a very traumatic birth too. Loads of medical interventions and long-term physical repercussions for me (luckily not DD). A decade of therapy later, I’ve clung to one truth.

The second I came too, and realised she was ok and looking up at me, I knew a few things instantly.

  1. My life was not about me anymore
  2. She had only me, in whatever shape (mentally or physically) I was
  3. Whatever she needed, I would give her

It was an overwhelming feeling, that still counts daily, 9 years on. It is my definition of love. It isn’t a love that offers me anything in return. Really, it just takes. That’s ok.

Of course she offers her love in return. And it’s delicious and fulfilling and a highlight of my life.

But my love has nothing to do with ‘what she does for me’. Never did, never will.

That’s my experience. Separately to that, OP, I feel for your situation. Don’t hesitate to find a good therapist if you are tempted.

Puppytooth · 26/11/2019 10:57

I felt it straight away BUT this was also mixed with the overwhelming feeling of being trapped (when he was crying endlessly/waking up in the night so many times and wouldn’t settle etc.). I didn’t relax 100% until he was about 4 months old where I felt that rush of love (without thinking my life was over at the same time!).

IScreamForIceCreams · 26/11/2019 11:00

About 6 weeks in. I was in survival mode before that.

purplepalace · 26/11/2019 11:01

I immediately felt an overwhelming rush of responsibility (I am responsible for keeping this little person alive and happy) and a very strong need to meet their every need (a bit panicky)

The love came later, after the trauma of birth etc subsided, maybe a day or two. The love continued to deepen and alter through their different stages. Once they have their own little personalities the adoration really set in! But the strongest emotion is still always protectiveness.

With my second child I'd say the love was more instant, as I was an experienced mother so I was more relaxed in the moment.

MaryEli · 26/11/2019 11:04

Similar to you, OP. No immediate rush of love. More feeling suddenly weighed down by a huge responsibility I didn't want because I was so overwhelmed and exhausted following the birth. I just wanted to go home and sleep, not start work looking after a tiny helpless person. That said, I felt protective of DS and increasingly fond of him. I was just muddling through, and then one day at around 8 weeks I looked at him in his cot and out of nowhere this massive rush of love and pride knocked me for six. It was a huge relief.

churchandstate · 26/11/2019 11:09

When she was born.

Vanannabananna · 26/11/2019 11:14

DC1 difficult birth, long recovery, PND. Fell in love all of a sudden on 15th October 2015. It was like being hit with a love truck!

DC2 as soon as i held her.

Appletreehouse · 26/11/2019 11:17

Over a year with my DD Sad

Instant with DS

Very different births and baby experiences

Tunnocks34 · 26/11/2019 11:18

About two to three weeks with my first two. I didn’t feel I didn’t love them but I felt numb.

Felt immediate love for my third. We were told to terminate him and throughout his pregnancy didn’t know if he would survive so to hear him cry and see him healthy was fantastic!

Wintersleep · 26/11/2019 11:22

I had the contraceptive implant put in my arm soon after giving birth, and it was horrible! It changed who I was, I hated everyone and every thing and thought it was PND. A few months of continual bleeding and feeling lousy and resentful I went to my GP and they said take the implant out so I did, within a few weeks the bleeding stopped and I felt normal and happy again, so it was around then that I was finding myself loving my DD.

But the first time she put her chubby little toddler hands on my cheeks and said "mummy, I just LOVE you"... Indescribable love. Just came over me. The love was always there, it just changed with how I felt it, if that makes sense.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 26/11/2019 11:26

The second they were born. My first was terribly ill and rushed to theatre before I could even see her, when I did six hours later it was such an awful sight. But I loved that little scrap like I'd never loved in my life. The second was straight forward and healthy, I loved that one with all my heart too

Dutchesss · 26/11/2019 11:27

A few weeks with each of mine and I had good births.
I loved them when they were born and knew I needed to look after them, but it took a few weeks before the real love came and they became my world.

Abouttimemum · 26/11/2019 11:28

Massive rush to start with as he was in special care and very poorly, it’d been a really hard road to get him here and when I finally fell pregnant with him it ended really badly for both of us.
However he was an incredibly difficult baby and between about months 2.5 and 5 I felt I was looking after him through obligation and got very little enjoyment out of it. I still loved him but I found it really really hard. I also felt guilty because I felt like I should love him more and be grateful because we’d been through such a lot to get him here.

He’s 8 months now and a joy and I honestly could cry when I look at his little face. It’s so full of wonder and I just can’t believe he’s ours!

Rainbowtheunicorn · 26/11/2019 11:31

It was instantly. But there was none of the crying and typical emotions you see in movies when babies are born.

It was more like oh this baby just came out of me wtf just happened.

I did love her overwhelmingly straight away but it’s grown and now she is 16 months I am completely obsessed. For me breastfeeding was a huge part of our connection and I think I genuinely would have struggled to bond without it (she was a crier and difficult baby!).

DustyMaiden · 26/11/2019 11:33

Before they were born.

ChaiNashta · 26/11/2019 11:42

Yes before they were born here too. BUT they were here after a very long struggle with infertility (8 years TTC and several ICSI cycles) and after accepting that I'd potentially never be a mum.

crispysausagerolls · 26/11/2019 11:59

I don’t think the love for them before they are born is the same as when they come out...

SimonJT · 26/11/2019 14:38

My sons adopted, so a completely different situation compared to how most people become parents.

He arrived for six weeks as a NC family member couldn’t look after him, he never left!

I felt like a babysitter for at least the first year and regularly felt he was to blame for my lack of social life etc.

It’s been three years now, and I still very very occasionally feel that way. I think I love him, I like spending time with him (when he’s not being a bugger), I miss him when I’m at work etc.

But it does make me wonder if I would feel any different if I was his Dad via DNA, thankfully biological children isn’t an option so I won’t find out.

Lweji · 26/11/2019 15:47

From about the time I found out I was pregnant.

I never felt the sort of love rush that meant I couldn't leave him for more than 15 min or anything like that, though.
But, 15 years on I love him to bits and even find his back talk amusing.

theatrenerd31 · 26/11/2019 15:58

Year in with my youngest and I'm still not there constantly. I love him, but not in an overwhelming, protective way yet and I could still often quite happily run away.

My eldest it was about 2-3 months that it clicked if I remember right.

littlejalapeno · 26/11/2019 16:01

Those of you who felt a rush of immediate love- I’m so curious to know if it is so overwhelming that it makes all the tedious stuff wonderful?

I had a traumatic birth (woke up after the anaesthetic not remembering that I’d even been pregnant and convinced my partner was playing a very elaborate practical joke) it did come back but I was so exhausted from the whole event that I had no room for emotion for a long time. I felt protective and afraid of him in the beginning and felt like I was doing my duty to look after him but the obligation to love made it hard for me to feel it come naturally. One day it did change and a warm balloon started to inflate in my chest and I do love him buuuuut he does still get on my nerves at times and my love does not make having to change poonamis and constantly clean and tidy anything any less boring and tedious.

Immediate love mums- Is your love transcending to the point you just love all the grunt work of motherhood?